This first chapter includes 22 drabbles, not in chronological order, but instead set to coincide with the lyrics of Teenage Dream. They weave in and out of each other and are basically my Blaine headcanon. It's vaguely AU (I gave Blaine a little sister), but takes place in the Glee verse as we know it.
1. You think I'm pretty without any make-up on
Blaine had been punched before, just never in the face.
It was a fact of life for him in middle school. Usually it was just a sock to the gut when he least expected it, walking out of a class, or going into the boys bathroom, or turning away from his locker. He knows the other guys called it "sneak attack." He thought high school would be better, apparently, he was wrong.
This was the first visible bruise though. His parents were going to see this one, his teachers, his sister, and the nice lady from across the street. He could see it. Every time he looked in the mirror, he could see it and it spoke volumes. Words like:
Victim
Loser
Pathetic
Faggot
Everyone else was going to be able to hear those words and more. He couldn't hide it, he tried to put some of his mom's concealer over it, but it was just too dark of a bruise, with too many different colors.
Who could ever love a face like that? No one. He'll leave the makeup off. It would probably just lead to more scorn in the long run.
2. You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
Blaine was always a little bit nervous. He was jittery, worried, anxious, probably because he'd learned the hard way that there was no way of knowing what was around the corner. So he kept his ears and his eyes open at all times.
The thing is though, when Blaine was nervous he would just talk a lot, too much, too fast, making a bit of a spectacle of himself. It was just a vicious cycle. He was nervous because people picked on him and people picked on him because he didn't know how to be invisible.
He couldn't quite stop himself from making a joke. He wanted to make people laugh. Blaine was one of those people who honestly believed that laughter was the best medicine. When people were laughing with him, instead of at him (while kicking him in the gut and calling him names) things almost seemed alright.
But no one ever really seemed to get his jokes. And people rarely ever laughed with him instead of at him. And the cycle just continued. He really needed to get a filter between his brain and his mouth.
3. I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down
Blaine had approximately one friend. A girl, Jenna, who lives in his neighborhood, who goes to the private girls school the next town over and doesn't really know anything about the way Blaine is treated in school.
Even at 13, Blaine knows he doesn't really like girls the way he's supposed to. The way men are supposed to feel about women. But he loves talking to Jenna. She listens and she's smart and sometimes he lets pieces of himself, his real self, slip out.
He mentions to her one day, in passing, in a way that he wants to be perceived as casual, that he has a crush on someone. He lets her weasel it out of him, and when she finds out that it's the boy who sits next to him in math class, her eyes won't meet his anymore.
"Blaine, it's not that I don't want to be friends with you anymore, but that's weird. My mom would be pissed if she knew I was friends with a homo."
Blaine walks home, ignoring the tears on his face. He just wanted someone to know.
4. Before you met me, I was all right
Blaine's parents are becoming aware of their son's anxieties. His mom is a therapist and she's picking up on some pretty common symptoms associated with social anxiety disorder. Blaine was always prone to a certain amount of interpersonal sensitivity but she's surprised by the way it's manifested itself.
Where Blaine used to be confident in most situations, he's started withdrawing more and more. Observing Blaine interact with new people has become nearly heartbreaking and even her own interactions with him have been on a steady decline. When pressed about his behavior, Blaine is nonchalant about it and it's ironic that those are the moments she sees the old Blaine.
Most of the time, those glimpses of Blaine are few and far between. She discusses options with her husband. Blaine's dad thinks there's a chance it's just a phase. His mom decides that if she notices signs of worsening anxiety or panic attacks, she'll get him in to see someone.
But somehow, she doesn't realize that Blaine is retreating. She doesn't notice that he no longer spends time with the neighbor girl. When she finally notices, it's all a little too little too late.
5. But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life
Blaine keeps his head down, as the door to the classroom swings open. He'd rather not make eye contact with anyone. He knows people have noticed his black eye. Some of his classmates winced and he noticed his science teacher had to stop herself from touching it.
Blaine's teacher cleared her throat. "Class this is a new student, Eli," she said. "Eli joins us from Los Angeles."
It was only then that Blaine looked up to see a tall and surprisingly good-looking boy standing awkwardly at the front of the class. He's a bit sun-kissed, the way you imagine people from California are and he has a mildly dorky bowl cut. Not that Blaine is one to talk, his hair is a look he likes to think of as "wacky professor-like."
Eli catches Blaine's eye and grins. Like a real grin, an actual, "Hey! I see you there!" grin. Blaine can't help but grin back sheepishly. Blaine felt like he hadn't smiled in a year, maybe things were looking up. Too soon he remembered about his black eye and decided the new kid was probably just laughing at him.
6. Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine
Blaine wants nothing more than to just crawl in a hole. Everything he's ever thought about himself is true. He's useless and so bad at reading guys and he should just join a monastery. There's no point in trying to woo guys. He really thought Jeremiah was cool and interested and it seemed like maybe something could happen between them.
Now Blaine just feels like a total ass. He's not sure how can come back from that kind of humiliation in front of the Warblers. And Kurt! He'd been trying to be so freaking cool in front of Kurt, as if he were some kind of gay love guru. He doesn't know shit about gay love. He barely knows anything about love period.
Later on at the coffee shop, Blaine was shocked by what Kurt was saying to him. He was flabbergasted by his own oblivion. When Blaine really thinks about it, he knows he liked Kurt from the start, but he couldn't believe that anything would happen and hadn't even allowed himself to dream of it.
Blaine buries his blush in the cool of his pillowcase and decides not to cry.
7. Let's go all the way tonight
On Blaine's first day at Dalton Academy, he was a bundle of nerves. He knew he could handle it academically. He had missed most of his freshmen year because of the severity of his injuries, so he was repeating the grade.
But he was terrified of socializing. He felt like he hadn't talked to anyone his own age in decades. He knows he looks like a deer in the headlights when one of the guys approaches him in the hall.
"Hey, you're new right? I'm Wes."
"Yeah, I'm Blaine. It's a pleasure to meet you." Blaine winces at the formality of the phrase.
"I heard you might be interested in joining the Warblers," Wes is saying when Blaine tunes back into the conversation.
"What, was there a background check?" Blaine is a little shocked by his sudden boldness and swagger. He didn't know he had it in him, but there's something about the realization that people already know things about him that makes him feel like he doesn't have to hide.
"Something like that," Wes responds. "I'll see you tonight at auditions."
Something good was going to happen tonight, Blaine decides as Wes walked away.
8. No regrets, just love
Blaine isn't sure when it happened, but Eli has definitely become his friend. Having even just one person who seems to actually care what you have to say makes a difference, though Blaine is very cautious about revealing too much about his feelings or whom he's attracted to.
Eli is almost as much of an outsider as Blaine is, except Eli runs cross-country so he talks to those guys and that's who they sit with at lunch. Blaine thinks about joining the team next year, it's already too late this season.
Eli comes over to Blaine's after cross-country one day. His parents are going to be out all night at one of his sister's many gymnastics competitions.
They decide to watch a movie and when Blaine comes back to the couch, Eli catches his mouth in a soft, warm kiss.
"I'm sorry!" Blaine yelps as he pulls back in shock.
"Why are you sorry?" Eli asks, with a smile teasing his lips. "I'm the one that kissed you."
"I, I know. But I'm gay," Blaine says.
"I know dude. That's why I kissed you."
Blaine can't help but laugh as he relaxes into the couch cushions.
9. We can dance until we die
Blaine loves to dance. He's not good at it per say, but he loves to just turn the music on really loud and dance the heck out of life. He doesn't even really care what he's listening to, he just likes to move. It was a retreat for him when things got bad. It always cheered him up and no one could take it away from him.
When he first transferred to Dalton, he was sure that living in the dorm and having a roommate would be the end to his nightly dance parties. As it turns out, he was really wrong. He dances more at Dalton than he ever has in his life. And he loves it more and more every day and he's actually getting better at it.
When he first joins the Warblers, he consciously tries not to be old Blaine. The one who rambled and made bad jokes, he even attempted to be silent and still and listen. But it's just not him. Pretty soon he can't stop trying out for solos or giving suggestions on dance moves.
Sometimes he really can't believe this is his life and he just smiles.
10. You and I will be young forever
When Blaine was 6, he was riding bikes with Jenna. They were only allowed to ride down to the end of the cul-de-sac and back to Jenna's house. But it was pure bliss and freedom when you had just gotten your training wheels off.
"Do you wanna go eat lunch at my house?" Jenna asked.
Blaine was hungry. No denying that. And his mom had morning sickness because of the baby. So, he decided eating at Jenna's house was a good idea.
When they walked in the door, Jenna's mom was talking on the phone with Jenna's aunt about their favorite soap opera.
"I just don't understand why they decided to make her a lesbian. It just seems so wrong to me, not to mention incongruous with the rest of the show." Pause. "Well, I see what you're saying but I don't need to watch that kind of smut..." She turned around and saw Blaine and Jenna in the doorway. "Ah, I think it's lunch time. We'll have to finish this debate later. Or never."
"Hi kids," Jenna's mom said. "Shall I call Blaine's mom and let her know he's over here for lunch?"
11. You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
Blaine was on edge the whole night, waiting for the other shoe to drop. When the principal read Kurt's name and Kurt fled from the gym, Blaine immediately followed.
He's not going to try to talk Kurt into going back in. The last thing Blaine wanted to was to go back in that gym. Kurt's humiliation was his humiliation. It hit too close to home. He didn't even want to be at this dance and he momentarily berated himself for being such a softie when it comes to Kurt. When Kurt resolves to go back in, Blaine has no choice but to follow.
The next thing Blaine knows Kurt's alone on the dance floor. Blaine is terrified of moving into the spotlight, into the same situation that put him in the hospital for weeks after the Sadie Hawkins dance. But he can't leave Kurt alone out there. Blaine sucks in his breath, musters all of his courage and asks Kurt to dance. He doesn't let himself look at the crowd. He focuses solely on Kurt.
It doesn't make everything better, but they both get to live the dream for awhile.
12. The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Blaine was alone in his hospital room in the middle of the night and he couldn't get back to sleep.
As he lies in this really uncomfortable hospital bed, he knows that going to the dance wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the badly broken arm, the cracked ribs, the ruptured spleen, the concussion. Not to mention what it did to his heart. The doctors couldn't stitch or plaster or pin his heart back together.
They said he was young and that he would bounce back. That he would be good as new again in a few weeks, a couple months tops. But Blaine new he was different. He was changed forever. There was nothing he could do about it.
The worst part was that it wasn't like he and Eli went to the dance in the name of love. They liked each other as friends. They had kissed but it had been more experimental than attraction. Blaine wonders why they took the risk at all.
He could be at home right now in his own bed. He could still be whole, but he knows he might never be whole again.
13. Let's run away and don't ever look back
Blaine dismisses the idea of a fight club the first time is comes up in a conversation. And the second, the third and fourth time. But by the 10th time someone brings it up during the same week, Blaine realizes that nobody is joking about it anymore.
He picks up Palahniuck's book and gives the movie a rewatch. Blaine's been boxing for about a year, he picked it up as a way to to make himself feel safer after everything. He's light on his feet- you know butterflies, bees, that whole drill.
The other guys saw him boxing and that's where this fight club idea came from. He's not sure he's good enough to teach anyone anything. He's also not sure he could ever really fight anyone. Fighting is dirty. And fight club is blood and guts and not anything that Blaine is prepared to deal with. Too many years of being the victim to that kind of violence.
On the other hand, maybe there's a different Blaine buried deep inside. A warrior, an aggressor, that needs to come out of him. Maybe there's a Blaine that isn't crying or hurt or heartbroken by the world, but rather an angry Blaine.
Or maybe not. Although it might be time to find out.
14. Don't ever look back
Blaine doesn't have a ton of friends. It might look like he was fairly popular to the naked eye, but there's a difference between everyone knowing who you are and actually having friends.
He assumes most of his classmates just think he's kind of a show off, the lead singer of the Warblers, so when he's not always gregarious, they figure he's a jerk. When in reality, he's not very good at striking up conversations or small talk. He's just so completely... awkward.
Because of these perceptions, Blaine is only friends with the Warblers. But he also kind of wants a friend of his own, not to always feel like he's just tagging along. He's not looking for a boyfriend, he's not sure if he's really ready to be someone's boyfriend. Just someone to talk to, someone who likes him for who he is.
He's thinking all this as he races down the main stairs to get to the Warbler's impromptu performance. He checks his pocket watch, which when he considers it from other people's perspective, it's probably sort of a ridiculous affectation...
And then a voice from behind him says, "Excuse me? Um, hi, can I ask you a question?"
15. My heart stops, when you look at me
Blaine's mom decides that if he's set on going to the Sadie Hawkins dance, then he's going to need some decent pants. Not jeans or cargoes, but something more trouser-ish. She drags him to the mall the week before the dance. Blaine doesn't want to go, the mall is a place where there are too many variables.
He's right to be nervous. As soon as they walk into one of the side entrances he sees a small mob of several of his tormentors seated near the fountain. He feels the acid rise in his stomach and he wants nothing more than to hide. He tries to make himself small, but the movement catches their eye. The movement of surrender is like a magnet to guys like these.
The whispers and snickers and laughter begin a moment later. Blaine's heart stutters as his eyes make contact with one of the worst offenders. They don't do anything in front of Blaine's mom though and she seems sadly oblivious to what's really going on.
Blaine hates the pants she buys him that day.
When those pants are torn and bloodied after the dance, Blaine relishes the idea that they were thrown in the trash.
16. Just one touch, now baby I believe
Blaine has always been susceptible to nightmares. Not night terrors or anything like that, but bad dreams that come out of nowhere, ever since he was a kid.
The first night he and Kurt have a sleepover, Blaine warns him about his nightmares. He's pretty sure he has a tendency to kick and he knows he talks a bit. Kurt as usual is unfazed.
Over the next several years, Blaine and Kurt share a lot of different beds. Through high school and college and beyond. Blaine never remembers nightmares when he sleeps next to Kurt, though he knows he still has them sometimes. When he tells Kurt this one day, Kurt smiles knowingly.
"What?" asks Blaine.
"Well," Kurt starts, "if you wake me when you're having a nightmare, I do this thing. I never mentioned it because I was worried you'd think it was creepy. But I smooth the hair back from your forehead until your face relaxes."
"Okaaaay," Blaine says, expectantly.
"And then I take my knuckles and kind of nudge your cheek with them, like this. Until you smile in your sleep and you just... relax." Kurt looks away vaguely, like he's worried how Blaine is going to react to this confession.
"You, you do that?" Blaine wonders at the thought of what such a simple touch can do.
17. This is real, so take a chance
Blaine's heart is once again trying to leap up his esophagus and lodge itself in his throat. His palms are clammy, his head is foggy and he's 98% sure he walked into a wall just now. That will hurt later.
He's looking for Kurt. He can't stop thinking about Kurt. He knew his feelings were changing after Kurt's confession on Valentine's Day, but since then Blaine's fear had gotten the better of him. He really doesn't want to humiliate himself again. Blaine's been working really hard lately not to be humiliated.
But when Kurt sang Blackbird, Blaine couldn't take it anymore. He thought about what he could say, he even wrote it out a couple times. He's pretty sure Kurt isn't going to reject him, but that doesn't mean that this isn't the most nerve-wracking thing that Blaine has ever done. What he could have with Kurt is worth the anxiety.
He's settled on the phrase "you move me." A little corny, but Blaine has decided that the truth, lame as it might be, is the way to Kurt's heart.
Several hours later, Blaine is really proud of himself and can't stop smiling. Turns out he was right about the truth.
18. And don't ever look back, don't ever look back
Blaine approaches Sam the next morning at his locker.
Blaine: Hey. (Sam looks up wearily and nods in greeting.) Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday afternoon. I don't even really have an excuse. It was just a totally dick thing to do.
Sam: Um, thanks. Finn told me he talked to you, but…
Blaine: It wasn't just about Finn. I guess, I'm like … kind of a prude sometimes. (Blaine laughs, trying to lighten the mood)
Sam: Not a big deal. (Sam chuckles)
Blaine: (Blaine smiles his most Blaine-ish smile) No really, though. I don't want you to think I was judging you or looking down on your or something. I'm not actually like that. I didn't mean to act like that.
Sam: I shouldn't have pushed you.
Blaine: No way, I totally deserved that. I can take it. People act like I'm some kind of tiny, delicate flower. I can hold my own in a fight these days.
Sam: (Sam can't help but grin at that.) Anytime, anywhere Anderson. I heard rumblings about a fight club.
Blaine: First of all, you and Finn gossip like little old ladies and secondly, seriously, why does everyone always want to talk about fight club? I can't talk about it!
19. We drove to Cali, and got drunk on the beach
Ten years after the Sadie Hawkins dance, Blaine finds himself in LA for his cousin's wedding. Eli still lives in town, in a house right on the beach.
Blaine is a bundle of nerves as he pulls up in front of the house in his rental car one evening. Though they've talked a lot over the years, reconnecting on Facebook during Blaine's last year of high school, they've never actually talked about that night. He knows that Eli was in therapy for a long time afterward, as was (and is) Blaine. But maybe talking to each other about it is what they always needed.
When Eli opens the door, Blaine is shocked by the person behind it. Eli is tall and athletic and so much more confident looking than Blaine could ever imagine feeling. Eli grins at him, that same grin that Blaine remembers from 9th grade, the one that seemed to warm him up. They embrace and Blaine feels tiny in a good way for once.
"I'm glad you're here," Eli says as he closes the door.
They spend the evening on the beach, drinking Coronas with lime, getting perfectly blitzed on them and Blaine can't help but think about what his life might have been like if they hadn't gotten beaten up. He must say this out loud because Eli is saying to him, "Gay bashed, Blaine. We were gay bashed."
"We were gay bashed," Blaine says quietly, testing it out.
20. Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets,
There's another knock on Blaine's door just as settles into bed to watch bad daytime tv.
"What now Sarah," he says with a sigh.
His sister peaks her head around the door and bats her eye lashes at him. "Mom says you have at least two more blankets you could give me and maybe a pillow."
"Seriously? Why? And I need this pillow for my arm. And I'm cold, so you can have one of the other blankets." He's only been half paying attention to what she's been flitting around doing for the past half hour, but it's probably something ridiculous.
"Fine. But I'll be back again," she threatens as she storms off.
Blaine rolls his eyes, but still kind of wonders what she's up to and he's fairly bored now that he's feeling better. As he makes his way downstairs, he's stopped by a large mass he sees out of the corner of his eye in the formal living room that no one ever lives in.
"Sarah?"
"NOOOO!" she yells from the largest blanket fort Blaine has ever seen. The structure is actually fairly impressive. "You weren't supposed to see it yet." She hops out from somewhere in the middle, red faced.
"I made it for you. I wanted to cheer you up and mom said that was a good idea, but she wasn't sure you were going to be able to get in it, if you're hurt too much."
Blaine suddenly feels like crying and he knows in that instant he's definitely not "hurt too much" to get into this masterpiece from his baby sister.
21. I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece
It's an ongoing theme with Blaine, always feeling like he doesn't have one good friend. He had, still has Kurt, but now that Kurt left for college, things are different. And Kurt was always more than a friend, even before they actually knew each other.
It's so embarrassing to be 18 years old and to feel like you've never had a friend.
Blaine tells himself that it's probably better this way. He won't be too attached to people when he leaves for college next year. Whether college means New York with Kurt, or striking out on his own, maybe Stanford or something. It's better that he won't have to say good-bye to someone else. (These are the lies he tells himself sometimes.)
Except.
Tutoring Sam has turned into something he actually looks forward to, he's constantly playing Artie on Words with Friends, Tina asked him to go to the Lima Bean with her twice last week and Rory continues to crack him every time they sit next to each other in Glee.
So, before he loses his nerve and remembers he's terrified of rejection, he sends out a mass text to see if anyone wants to go to the movies this weekend.
And every single one of them says yes.
Suddenly, he realizes he doesn't have "a" friend, he has four.
22. I'm complete
"Blaine, if you don't let me take you to get your hair cut soon, I'm going to have to cut it off while you sleep," his mom threatens over breakfast one day.
"Yeah," his sister agrees, "It's starting to look like a bonzai tree."
"You guys are SO funny!" Blaine says, the sarcasm thick in his voice, though he also can't help but smile, because it's nice to talk about something inane.
Things are better now that his parents have decided to keep him out of school for the rest of the year. It's been 6 months since the dance and Blaine is better, but not fully healed necessarily. But soon, he tells himself, soon.
And his mom's right, it's time for a hair cut.
Blaine sighs in the salon chair as the scissors start snipping. He needs a new look; he doesn't want to be Blaine of the wacky curls anymore. He wants to be in control. Maybe looking like he's pulled together on the outside will make him feel pulled together on the inside.
When his hair cut is over, the chair is spun back to the mirror. And he barely recognizes the face in the mirror, but he likes what his sees.
This is the new Blaine.