Personal Log: Charmaine Charles, Sea Horse Galaxy, Star Date:300541
This is my fourth month aboard the galaxy class starship, "Errant" under Captain Damon Mock. I am fourteen, human, and lonely. There are over one thousand people aboard this ship. Seven hundred of them are crewmembers and the rest are family and passengers. Only one hundred of those family members and passengers are children and then only thirty-three of those are over the age of ten. My class consists of twenty children all between the ages of ten and fifteen and THEY ALL avoid me.
I assume that is because my adoptive mother is Cardassian and until seven years ago we were at war with them. My biological parents died in the line of duty aboard the starship "Sea Horse" under the attack of a Cardassian war ship. I was rescued from the "Sea Horse" by my adoptive mother who claimed me in place of her lost son. I was four. I do not hate the Cardassians though. I barely remember my biological parents and Larnia, my adoptive mother is good to me. She now serves as an assistant Chief engineer aboard the "Errant" and I am continuing my studies.
Perhaps the other children also fear me because of my "alieness". I was raised for seven years aboard the Cardassian nebulae class cruiser "Kriyet" and some of their habits and ways have rubbed off on me. Until I arrived here I had no idea how to "talk" to other children. My mother and I always "argued" when we talked. This is the Cardassian way of showing affection, but I found it did not work with the other children. They did not seem to understand me. I was sent many times to Counselor Allore to discuss my behavior. It was only when Allore talked to my mother that she finally began to understand my ways and explained it to the teachers and students, but still they do not understand me.
Perhaps the only person who I am close to onboard is Ensign Ra'let, a Vulcan only two years older then I. He is the doctor's assistant and training to be one himself and he never misunderstands me. He calls me "ax'nav" which is his pet name for me. I find it rather unusual that he would have a pet name for me, as Vulcans cannot possibly feel affection, as it is an emotion. The nickname irritates me sometimes for I have learned it means "child" in Vulcan. I especially hate it when he uses it in front of Second Officer Erin because she speaks Vulcan, fluently, and she always smirks when Ra'let uses it. To bad I am not the First Officer. I could tell her smiling is illegal.
The "Errant" is enormous, but unfortunately I am not allowed to roam free aboard it. I have to stay on the upper decks or in the classrooms or my quarters. I would love to see the Bridge or the Engineering deck with the Warp coil. But even if I were allowed to roam I don't think I would. My mother is the only Cardassian aboard and I can almost feel the uneasiness of the crew around her and their fear and unease around her rubs off on me so I to am mostly unwelcome among the crew.
She must bear it herself though for she has no one of her kind to share the burden of so much fear and mistrust with. She won't share it with me certainly, which I find most irritating at times especially as I to know the feeling and would willing share it with her in order to make it better. I don't even know much Kardasi, which is their language. My mother refuses to speak it with me and when I was aboard the "Kriyet" I was isolated, kept from being a part of their world. My mother takes loyalty very seriously and in her eyes as much a daughter as I am I will never be Cardassian, I will always be "sark," alien. It is hard living in two worlds at once. In one place I am seen as an outsider, a sark, in another I am seen equally as an outsider though I am of the same race, same species. In this way not even Ra'let can understand me. He is a Vulcan and accepted as such by both his race and the crew. In this way, I am isolated once again and I am beginning to wonder if I shall ever find my home.
Personal Log: Charmaine Charles, two days after last entry
Ra'let is the most obnoxious Vulcan I have ever met which is saying a lot for they all seem fairly self centered and conceited. Sure, when you hear about them they sound great, but then you meet them and their logical, self confident and unfortunately mostly right assumptions about your character drive you up the walls. I am not even sure how I entered into such a conversation with him, but I can tell you it is not one I am likely to forget soon.
"Hello, Terrance."
Ra'let hates his first name and hates it when people use it and thus I always use it when he irritates me or I want to irritate him, though he never admits he is irritated (he's a Vulcan, what could you expect.) He has never answered my questions about why he has a human name either. Maybe he was an embarrassment to his father and his father had wanted to return the favor.
"Good day, Charmaine." He had responded quite amiably ignoring the jibe, but intending I know now to respond with one of his own which was of course in his mind was the only logical reaction. (Logic is like the Vulcan equivalent of an excuse. They use it to justify every action they make.)
"May I ask what your are doing down here?" He knew I was not technically supposed to be in the Holodeck myself. Children were only allowed to use the Holodeck on the upper deck, but it only ran educational programs and I would not be able to use the regular one until I was fifteen so Ra'let often let me come down and use it with him when he was off duty. I had been impatient that day though to try the snorkeling program and had not wanted to wait. Not very intelligent of me, but I have always been a little headstrong. Being raised with yelling Cardassians will do that you.
"I am attempting to load the snorkeling program." I don't particularly like lying and besides, Ra'let had a particularly annoying habit of being able to tell when one was lying or not.
Ra'let's expression did not change at my matter affect statement, but then it rarely does. He merely reached above me and typed something in and when the Holodeck beeped led me into it.
It was not my snorkeling program, but a rock climbing program. I think I groaned because I remember Ra'let saying, "Rock climbing clears the mind. It enables one to focus on ones self. It is good for you, Charmaine." I do not particularly like rock climbing, but decided this was the last time today I would most likely be allowed in the Holodeck so I gamely followed his lead up the rocks. We were only a quarter of the way up when he said most solemnly, "You should be more careful, ax'nav. You are headstrong and impulsive. You should not seek to break the rules as you do."
I had frowned at him and answered, "I don't seek to break the rules and I am not impulsive."
He arched an eyebrow, which seems to be a talent confined to Vulcans and which I have never been able to master. "Well, I don't purposely break the rules, but it is sometimes very hard not to."
This was not a falsehood on my part. The rule book for Starfleet starships was about as thick as five Encyclopedia Britannica's and unless you were an android (or a Vulcan) it was almost impossible to not break some rule some time or another. I don't think Ra'let had broken one in his life.
"Your are unobservant, ax'nav. For instance, the rock you are about to grasp is loose and only held in place by small chunks of dirt." Ra'let said pointedly as he easily scaled past me up the rock wall.
I snatched my hand away from the rock and gave a small gasp as my foot slipped and I lost my balance. A hand wrapped around my wrist and suspended me above the ground and then with the ease born to those of great strength Ra'let pulled me up to his level and placed me safely on a flat rock sticking out from the wall.
"As I said, unobservant." He reminded me.
I put a hand to my heart to stop the fluttering my brief fall had given it and said quietly, "I am not trying to be unobservant. I just don't like rock climbing."
His expression did not change so I tried to imagine he was one of my human friends and see what expression they would make to such a statement and decided they would probably laugh and tell me that rock climbing was good for me. Ra'let though just continued looking at me steadily before finally saying, "And that, ax'nav, is the difference between a person who will care about even the things he dislikes, even the people he dislikes to make a good judgment based on his observations and a person who only takes interest and observes things that they like or are good at and in doing so block out the space for good judgment and let in prejudice. In Starfleet, ax'nav, it will be the former who is the Captain and the latter who is merely an ensign. That is the difference the willingness to observe things that you may at first not like brings you. I hope you will remember that, Charmaine and not forget it like some have."
Then Ra'let told the Holodeck to stop program and soon we were both standing in the gold and black checkered room I frowning and he watching me still with that calm, completely peaceful expression so perfected by the Vulcans. Then he raised an arm, "You must go, ax'nav. Your mother will be searching for you soon."
I had frowned up at him and said, "You don't have to tell me to beware prejudice, Terrance. I live with a Cardassian who was aboard the ship that killed my parents. I will not be unobservant."
He looked down at me. "Your are remarkably unbiased, Charmaine, but as for being unobservant…that could use work."
I had felt thoroughly disgruntled after that and had stalked straight to my quarters where I have now finished telling of the things Ra'let thought he should tell me. I wonder if he sometimes thinks he's my father. I am not that unobservant.