The Act of Officially Visiting Someone
Why? Why is he still here? He shouldn't be here. He should be gone already. So why is he here? It's confusing the hell out of Fushimi Saruhiko, heck; nothing is making sense right now. Totsuka Tatara is in front of him, and there are only three possible reasons that he can think of right now.
First is that he might be hallucinating. That's good. That's less farfetched. After all, he himself believes that he's slowly losing his insanity with each day that passes by. Hallucinations like this shouldn't even surprise him anymore. Though if he is indeed hallucinating, why is it about Tatara?
Second is that he is being visited by Tatara's spirit. Saruhiko isn't really a believer of such things. He thinks that only children believe ghost stories and urban legends. But if he isn't hallucinating and that Tatara is in front of him, he might be indeed visited by this certain thing that he doesn't believe.
Three is that he might be the one who's with Tatara, and not the other way around. Maybe it was him, Saruhiko, who arrived, not Tatara. Maybe Saruhiko was already dead. Maybe he died and joined Tatara in wherever this place is. Where are they anyway? They are in the Scepter 4 dorm, Saruhiko's room, and it's very unlikely that this is how heaven looks like… Would Saruhiko even go to heaven?
"T-Totsuka-san… Why… Why are you here?" He forced the words out. He wasn't entirely sure of the reason, but he found it hard to speak right now. He doesn't know why, nor does he have even just a slight clue. It's probably because of the idea that he might be hallucinating, haunted, or dead.
Now that he thinks about it, the last option isn't that bad.
Tatara chuckled with that oh-so-familiar chuckle of his. As if Saruhiko hasn't had enough of his chuckles when he was alive. When he was alive? Which he? Was he talking about himself, or was it about Tatara? Is he seriously contemplating that he's actually dead right now?
"I wanted to pay you a visit… Saru-kun."
That was when a very heavy feeling of nostalgia hit Saruhiko. He didn't even know that it happened, but a teardrop fell from his right eye. He remembered the belief that people has. They said that if the first teardrop fell from the right eye, it was because of happiness.
Bullshit, he thought. No. He isn't happy at all right now. In fact, it feels so painful for some reason that he doesn't know. It's not like he cares though. What matters is that it hurts, it isn't comfortable, and he doesn't like this feeling. This is not the time to care about first teardrops. Because the next thing that he knew is that more teardrops are falling, and he lost track on which eye they came from.
"V-Visit… Why…" Just like the first words that he spoke minutes ago, he forced these ones as well. It hurts to speak. His chest is pumping so hard, his breathing is labored, and he can't see well because he took off his glasses. After all, they don't really help much, now that he's crying.
He's crying. Fushimi Saruhiko is actually crying. He cannot even believe this. He doesn't cry. He doesn't. Or at least, normally, he doesn't. But that doesn't seem true right now. Because right now, he isn't the Fushimi Saruhiko. He is just Saruhiko, just Saruhiko, or maybe 'Saru-kun' who lost a friend.
Friend. If Totsuka Tatara can actually be called his friend. What is a friend anyway? They say that a friend is someone you know well and someone you like. Now that Saruhiko thinks about it, does he really know Tatara that well? He isn't sure what to answer to that question. As for the second one though… Does he like Tatara? As much as he would like to deny it, yes, he does like Tatara.
Not that way, though. He likes Tatara, as in, like. Literally like. The 'like' that means that one finds a certain thing he finds interesting, enjoyable or attractive. He likes Totsuka Tatara. Tatara is the friendliest person he has ever seen. Never in his life did he see someone positive.
Tatara smiled and reached to touch Saruhiko's face. Saruhiko thought for a second that Tatara wouldn't be able to do so, but he did. He touched Saruhiko's face and even wiped his tears. Tatara's temperature is surprisingly warm, and the comfort that Saruhiko felt because of it is as surprising.
"Lighten up, Saru-kun. Smile. You don't have to be so negative all the time. I know you don't want that too." Tatara pulled Saruhiko to his chest and made the younger man lean on him. Saruhiko doesn't know why he didn't resist and simply let Tatara do that. Was it because of that comforting warmth? Why is he even warm on the first place? And why does Tatara know? Why is Tatara the one who knows?
Tatara is not around anymore. He is gone. But why is he the one who knows how Saruhiko feels? Why is he the one who understands? Of all people, why him? Him, who is gone and not around? Saruhiko sobbed on Tatara's chest, despite wondering how Tatara is solid. Maybe Saruhiko is dead, after all.
"Saruhiko." He heard another voice call for his name. It's a completely different voice from Tatara, and it's even deeper than his. Totally deeper. Saruhiko has no idea on who might be the one that can call his name on such an intimate manner. So who might it be?
Tatara looked up, still with that smile. Saruhiko wondered what is that he was thinking about. Why would he suddenly just look up that way when Saruhiko's ceiling is obviously undecorated? Tatara ruffled Saruhiko's hair and whispered, "This is as far as I can go, Saru-kun… Next time, I'll visit, and meet you again. Until then, keep safe, Saru-kun."
Tatara disappeared. Saruhiko isn't sure why and how that happened, but he did. At least this means that he's now just either hallucinating, or was visited. Fortunately or unfortunately, Saruhiko is still alive.
The next thing that Saruhiko knew is that the whole room is dark once again, and that he is still feeling that unusual body warmth. He's still in his room, on his bed specifically and that the room's lighting is by now very dim.
"Saruhiko." There was the deep voice again as he felt strong arms around him. He relaxed to the embrace. He knows he's safe. At least he can think and believe that much. "It seems that you were having a bad dream."
He slightly looked up and saw the face of his superior, his king, his lover, Munakata Reisi. Reisi pulled him closer with one arm, and used the other to wipe the tears on his face. "You were crying, Saruhiko. What is it that you dreamt about?"
Saruhiko leaned on his lover's chest and muttered, "Totsuka-san…"
The Blue King ruffled Saruhiko's hair, and the latter got reminded of the same thing that Totsuka did in his dream. Was it really a dream? Why did it all feel so real? "Next time, I'll visit, and meet you again. Until then, keep safe, Saru-kun." He can remember Tatara saying so. Why does it feel like Tatara will indeed visit again next time?
"I see. Speaking of him, isn't it his… anniversary tomorrow? I mean, today, because the clock already struck twelve." Reisi felt that the younger man tensed up a bit, as if remembering just now. Reisi continued ruffling his hair gently. "Just go to sleep for now, Saruhiko. We can visit him in the morning."
Saruhiko murmured a soft 'yes' and closed his eyes. That's right. It's been a year since the incident about Totsuka Tatara's murder. He feels ashamed of himself for even forgetting. Well, what matters is that now, he remembers, and that he'll visit Tatara with Reisi in the morning.
Is he really going to visit him? What if the HOMRA sees?
Ah. He doesn't care anymore. He snuggled closer to the man beside him. In the morning, he will visit Totsuka Tatara's grave with the Blue King, Munakata Reisi, and they wouldn't care on how the Red Clan, HOMRA, would react. Yes.
In the morning, I will be the one to visit you, Totsuka-san. Thank you for reminding me. Be the one to wait for me until then.