Notes:
Yeah, I know this is late in the game. I've had this idea in my head for a long time but could only write it out recently. I hate to make this my first official OUAT fanfic, I've written a couple shorts that were far happier on tumblr before but I'm mostly a Marvel writer these days.
Anyway, if you are still a Rumbelle shipper, you probably won't like this. I will explain how this story came about in the after-notes.
Title from the JJ Heller song.
Regina Mills stepped out of Granny's and slowly made her way down the short walk to the street out front of the restaurant. She paused and breathed deeply the icy night air. The cold was no longer a remnant of Queen Elsa's and the Snow Queen's visits but a sign that the Maine winter had set in and taken up residence for several months.
She glanced down the street, toward Gold's Pawn Shop. A light shone out the window in the darkness. Taking another deep breath, Regina started down the street toward the light.
The town of Storybrooke was beginning to take on a festive look, the street lamps already festooned with Christmas lights and decorations, but Regina shut thoughts of Christmas cheer out of her mind. Right now she was living on a day-to-day basis, cutting herself off as much as possible from anything remotely feeling like the hope she had known only a week ago.
A week ago, was that all it had been? It seemed to her a lifetime. Or maybe it had only been a dream, some sort of enchantment to make her believe she had finally known love. She was certain she had plenty of enemies who would be willing to cast such a spell. She'd been the Evil Queen, after all, and, with all the things she'd done, the people she'd hurt, killed, she definitely deserved it.
But not all people who suffered deserved such treatment. Some were innocents, kind, loving beyond reason.
Regina stopped in front of the door to Gold's then placed a sure hand on the doorknob and turned it.
A bell rang as she entered and the current proprietor walked out of the back room to greet her.
Regina didn't think she'd ever seen Belle so bedraggled. The younger woman's fake smile looked entirely out of place on a face that was obviously only just wiped of its tears. Her red puffy eyes that were usually so full of joy and hope hurt Regina in a way she had never thought another's pain could.
"Regina," Belle said, her voice slightly quavering as she obviously fought for control of her emotions. "What can I do for you?"
Regina stared at her briefly, trying to think of why she'd felt compelled to visit Belle. She couldn't possibly be a comfort to anyone, especially not to someone who didn't deserve to suffer.
"I, um," she started.
She took a deep breath and forced the words out.
"I came by to see how you were doing," Regina told her.
A soft look came over Belle's face.
"Thank you," she said, then nodded. "I'm doing just fine."
Regina wondered if she shouldn't just leave now. Obviously Belle wouldn't want to talk to her, not to the one who had been Rumple's apt pupil.
"How are you?" Belle asked.
"Oh, I'm just fine," she replied.
They stared at each other for a moment before Belle broke the silence.
"It's far easier to lie about these things, isn't it?" she said.
Regina chuckled wryly.
"Indeed," she said.
They were both quiet a moment again. Regina felt entirely out of her element as she tried to find the right words to say.
"I'm sorry about Robin," Belle finally said.
Regina only nodded and swallowed down the lump that was beginning to form in her throat again.
"It was so very brave and good of you to save Marian."
Belle gave Regina a kind and almost admiring look, which Regina didn't feel she deserved in the least. It wasn't as if she'd been happy to let Robin go.
"I know it couldn't have been easy," Belle said.
Regina was about to tell Belle that what she had done was far more difficult than Regina's act when Belle choked back a sob.
"I'm so sorry," she said, and she began to cry.
Regina wasn't sure what to do or say at the moment. It was hardly Belle's fault.
"Belle, I don't see how this is your fault, you don't have anything to apologize for," Regina told her.
"If Rumple." Belle's voice faltered at the name and she turned away from Regina.
Regina wondered again why she had come to Belle. It seemed she was only making the woman's pain worse. It would have been far better to send one of the un-Charmings. They were so good at finding those right words to say to comfort someone who was suffering. Snow was even good for Regina.
"He loved you," Regina assured Belle and was surprised when the younger woman shook her head.
"If he loved me, he wouldn't have done things that would have ki-, hurt, so many people," Belle said and turned back to Regina.
"If he loved me he would have wanted to do things that truly pleased me," she continued. "He was going to tell me that he'd tried to save all of you from the Snow Queen's curse..."
Belle's voice cut off with a strangled sound and she covered her face to hide her tears, or her shame.
Regina reached out and placed a tentative hand on Belle's arm to offer some comfort. It wasn't comfortable, but Regina realized it was right. She was silent as she waited for Belle.
After a moment, Belle reached into her pocket and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe her face.
"I'm sorry," Belle apologized again.
"Don't be," Regina told her.
"I just," Belle started, but then stopped to gather her thoughts.
"He never loved me for me," she told Regina, and the Queen noted the conviction in Belle's voice.
"He loved me, and probably even Henry, for how I made him feel," Belle said.
The words struck Regina in her heart. She understood that sort of love, she'd been on the receiving and giving ends of it. Though on the giving end, she had never referred to it as love.
"He loved me only because I loved him and was kind to him and made him feel better about himself," Belle went on, and her tears poured freely now.
She paused for a moment, her face contorted as if she was in great physical pain. Then she took a deep breath and her next words came out at barely a whisper as though she finally had grasped the truth of what she was saying.
"He never loved me for who I am, only for what I did for him."
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done of for what I'll become
Notes:
This is long, and fairly personal.
At the end of that last episode, my boys turned to me and asked why Belle had banished Rumple. I explained to them that Rumple had been lying to her about being a different person, that his actions proved that he was still evil. I told them that he had never truly loved Belle, but had only loved the way she made him feel.
The entire scene between Belle and Rumple was one that has played out repeatedly in my own life since last September when I told my abuser of 21 years that I wanted a divorce. In fact some of Rumple's words were his exact words. It really hit home for me, which is why it has taken me until now to finally write this short and post it. The whole thing was far too meta.
But now I have finally filed for divorce, something I really should have done shortly after the wedding. Hours after the wedding, in fact. And I feel a lot stronger (though I'm pretty much scared to death because he now has a lawyer and I can't afford one...wonder where he got all that money when we haven't had heat in our home for at least five years?).
Anyway, I wrote the story out because I am concerned that the writers will not point out this fact. Rumple is a liar, he was going to let everyone in the town die so he could have the people who made him happy, he really isn't good at any level, and, it's definitely not love he feels for Belle, or Henry. It's a painful thing to realize the person you love only loved you for what you could do for him. I guess I just don't want other women to end up in the same situation.