The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone online for something. Just another mad one shot…
Cobra Commander Looks For Love
"Commander what are you doing?" Destro walked into Cobra Commander's office. "You were supposed to review our latest weapon an hour ago."
"Destro new weapons that cause mass destruction are a dime a dozen," Cobra Commander waved as he worked at his computer. "It can wait."
"Actually Commander these weapons are several million dimes," Destro remarked. "Not that I'm complaining since I'm the one who provides them for you for a modest fee of several more million dimes."
"So what do you care? You get paid anyway!" Cobra Commander snorted. "I'm working on something important here!"
"Trying to win another online poker tournament?"
"Nooooo," Cobra Commander told him. "I'm trying to get a date."
"Oh an even riskier venture with a lower chance of a payoff," Destro went to see what was going on.
"Destro it might surprise you that I am well…Getting older and I realize that ruling the world is meaningless unless I find a suitable companion who shares my dreams and interests," Cobra Commander told him.
"You're horny as hell aren't you?" Destro asked.
"Damn right," Cobra Commander said.
"Escort services declined your credit card?"
"Tore it to pieces," Cobra Commander groaned. "I tell you, one little incident with a lack of funds, some smores, a trapeze bar and a koala and they think that's grounds to blacklist you! And porn can only do so much for you. So why not online dating?"
"Commander I don't wish to be the proverbial wet blanket filled with fire retardant on the flames of romance…" Destro sighed. "But I would be remiss in my duties as your second in command if I didn't remind you what happened the last time you attempted to find companionship using this particular method."
"Okay you know damn well that was not my fault!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That was a deliberate case of misrepresentation!"
"Yes we all know how much a stickler most Internet users are for honesty," Destro said dryly.
"Her profile clearly stated that she was over eighteen!" Cobra Commander said. "And she was female."
"The Dateline trucks and police cars outside the home still wasn't enough of a tip off for you?" Destro gave him a look. "That at least should have been a signal for you to leave your gifts in the car!"
"A lot of guests bring wine to homes," Cobra Commander stiffened. "It's perfectly acceptable in social situations."
"As well as the box of condoms, the snorkel masks and the rubber chicken," Destro added.
"Forgive me for practicing in safe sex!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides this is not going to be anything like that experience!"
"Really? So this will be a new and different experience of humiliation and degradation?" Destro asked.
"I found a reliable dating service website this time!" Cobra Commander pointed to the screen. "Specially tailored for individuals such as myself for discreet and safe encounters with the opposite sex."
"Villains Need Hot Monkey Sex Too Dot Com…" Destro read the domain name. "Is that woman holding a flamethrower?"
"It said safe, not boring," Cobra Commander told him. "This website is specially made for villains finding other villains to share relationships as well as schemes to take over the world. It's brilliant! I put my profile in last night and already I've gotten a few nibbles."
"Do you mind if I read your profile Commander?" Destro looked over his shoulder. "I always enjoy perusing the latest in fiction."
"Ha, ha Destro," Cobra Commander said in a snippy tone. "You are so amusing. You should be a comedy writer."
"Considering the state of television sitcoms these days, someone should be," Destro remarked. "Commander is this your profile?"
"Yes. I chose that picture of me with the laser rifle riding the genetically engineered dinosaur shooting some of my subordinates," Cobra Commander said proudly. "You'd be surprised how many women are into that."
"Interesting," Destro raised an eyebrow as he read. "According to this profile your goals are taking over the world, crushing your enemies, finding a soul mate and winning the mirror ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars."
"Hey I can dance circles around Donny Osmond and you know it!" Cobra Commander said.
"And you actually believe that you are going to find a suitable companion for life using this method?" Destro asked.
"That or get laid. Either one's fine with me. Ooh here's one," Cobra Commander pointed. "Madame Mask. Leader of Rattlesnake Security, one of the criminal underworld's most reliable security company. Likes: having sex with men in masks, snakes, making lots of cash, flamethrowers…"
"Sounds like the two of you were made for each other," Destro quipped.
"Destro apart from a certain pro golfer and several politicians you are the last person to criticize others when it comes to dating," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "I mean how long have you and the Baroness had what you call a relationship? Twenty years now?"
"At least we didn't meet online," Destro bristled.
"No, you met on a battlefield. Oh yes that's very different," Cobra Commander. "Kind of ironic considering that's pretty much how your relationship has been over these years!"
"Commander…"
"First you two are together, then you're not together," Cobra Commander went on. "You love each other. Then you hate each other. Then you love each other again. Then you go love some bimbo on the side. She hates you and tries to blow you up with a bazooka. You make up then you break up and she ends up breaking several objects and bones…"
"I get the picture…" Destro gritted his teeth.
"How long are you going to string that woman along until she finally cracks and decided to end this so called relationship permanently with a machine gun?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I'm touched by your concern Cobra Commander…" Destro began.
"I'm not concerned about you," Cobra Commander interrupted. "I just don't want to be in her line of fire when she finally does go off her rocker!"
"Yes…Commander…"
"I still have a sore shoulder from the last time you two idiots had a fight," Cobra Commander rubbed it. "And I do occasionally get nightmares about that day the Baroness discovered you impregnated another woman! Good God Destro it's a miracle we all came out alive!"
"Yes well…"
"To this day I can't even look at a pair of salad tongs without shuddering," Cobra Commander shuddered.
"I have apologized for that repeatedly…" Destro was losing his patience.
"Why is it whenever you get lucky, I'm the one who has to go to the emergency room?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Say what you want Destro, but at least this way if I get hurt at least this time I'll deserve it."
"A more apt sentence was never spoken," Destro sighed. "Commander if you are quite finished we do have a lot of work…"
"No, I am not finished Destro! I am not finished with my quest to get a date," Cobra Commander snapped. "I mean what good is being in charge of a terrorist organization if you can't get a little action on the side every now and then?"
"While I do understand the axiom all work and no play…" Destro began.
"Makes Cobra Commander horny as hell!" Cobra Commander finished. "I am tired of having my evenings end with a pile of magazines and a box of…"
"ENOUGH! I GET THE PICTURE!" Destro shouted. He composed himself. "You don't have to hammer it home."
"That's actually how I do have to relieve my stress by…" Cobra Commander.
"No, no, no!" Destro shouted. "I get the point!"
"You're the only one who does around here and that is why I am going to spend my day on this website," Cobra Commander remarked. "I am going to set up some dates and finally find someone who I can have some kind of stable relationship with. Uh Destro…I do have at least one uniform that's flame retardant right?"
"I'll go alert the medical corps and the burn unit," Destro left the room.