Numb
By The Ambitious Blank
Disclaimer- Naruto isn't mine.
Comments- Yeah, I get double flame points for this one. Not only is it shounen-ai, it's incest. That's right, people. I warned you in the summary, I warn you again now. This is incest. ItachixSasuke stuff. As in Itachi being with his little brother. Hints of Sasunaru. Cursing. Torture. Hatred. Blood. Desire for revenge. Lots and lots of dark stuff. No happy ending, either, sorry. Felt like writing something darker. I should really shoot myself for writing ItaSasu, but.. bleh. Anyway, you have been warned.
I ask that you try to keep an open mind while reading, and you don't lose respect for me as a writer for doing this.. I just really felt like doing something dark and creepy, and ItaSasu was perfect, and I like getting into the darker side of Sasuke's mind. If you don't like it, don't read it, pretend it's not there, do whatever.. but don't flame me, I warned you.
The lyrics scattered around this fic are from "Numb", by Linkin Park. They're not in order, I just picked them depending on Sasuke's thoughts. But the song is really fitting for Sasuke. n.n; Hey, someone wanna make an AMV off that? I'd love you and write a fic for you. :D
"People hate those who make them feel their own inferiority."
-- Earl of Chesterfield
An avenger cannot admit weakness.
Uchiha Sasuke is only twelve.
Only twelve years old, and already he has seen more death than most see in their lifetimes.
Already, he knows the pain of being betrayed by someone he loves.
Already, he suffers from watching those he loves killed in front of his eyes by someone he thought he knew and cared for.
Uchiha Sasuke is only twelve, and already he has made an oath to kill that said someone.
Itachi.
The very thought of the name brings a foul taste to his lips, like snake venom being forced down his throat, burning his insides and making his blood boil. His fists clench tightly, knuckles turning deathly pale as blood is cut off from them by the boy's strength. He inhales slowly, calming his temper before he takes it out on someone else. Someone more innocent.
Well, perhaps Naruto can't really be considered that innocent.
Sasuke wants to feel things for Naruto. He wants to give himself another reason to live once Itachi is dead. But he can't. There's an empty cavity where his heart used to be, but despite the constant ache, Sasuke knows he has to live with it. Emotions mean weakness, and nothing but hatred can make you strong.
But an avenger cannot admit weakness.
It is a dark, dark place where Sasuke is.
I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there..
His large house is empty, lonely. The room where his parents' bodies had once laid is locked and shut tightly. Sasuke never wants to set foot into that room again. That was the room where he'd seen his parents, butchered to bits. The place where he'd first learned a sense of utter betrayal, from all the trust he'd put into his older brother.
The place where he had once admitted weakness.
"I'm scared.. I'm scared!! Please don't kill me!"
The place where he had once begged for his life.
The place that reminded him he couldn't do a fucking thing about it.
It's all Sasuke can do to not plant a fist into the wall and scream until he goes hoarse. It's all he can do to not tear his hair out in frustration. It's all he can do to not draw a kunai and stab himself in the chest until he thinks and feels no longer.
But an avenger cannot admit weakness.
Sasuke's fists clench again angrily.
His insides are knotted, his stomach aches with a vague feeling of nausea. His heart pounds in his chest. His blood runs hot and wild. He can't do a thing about it.
No one knows where to find Itachi. Even if they did, no one could defeat him. Sasuke curses to himself, remembering the time when that had been shown to him. Itachi had so easily defeat him, with a few punches and a well-placed glance.
Itachi could look at people and defeat them.
How could Sasuke compare to that..?
I've become so tired,
So much more aware..
It's getting too warm in the house, and Sasuke removes his shirt, staring at himself in a full-length mirror in the hallway. To everyone else, he seems perfect, but Sasuke only sees flaws. That only angers him even more. To himself, he sounds like a weak girl.. seeing only things that need to constantly be perfected, and nothing that is already perfect.
Compared to Itachi, he will always be flawed.
Somehow, in the back of his mind, Sasuke knows this. But he refuses to admit it to himself.
An avenger cannot admit weakness.
But even despite the flaws, as he looks at himself in the mirror, he sees ice-cold eyes, suddenly brightening to a blood red. The Sharingan stare back at him, and suddenly he is staring at Itachi in the mirror. He moves, and the image mimicks him perfectly. He is becoming just like that monster.
NO!
Sasuke cries out and jerks away, his fist connecting with the glass and shattering it into a thousand pieces. He ignores his bleeding knuckles and runs away, to the bathroom to wash away the blood, keeping his eyes away from the mirror.
He doesn't want to see what he's turning into.
He doesn't want to believe he's becoming the cold killer Itachi is.
He doesn't want to see anymore.
I'm becoming this,
All I want to do
Is be more like me,
And be less like you..
Sasuke finally gathers up the courage to face himself in the mirror again. This time, the reflection doesn't warp. His eyes shift to the mark, now sealed, left by Orochimaru. A promise for strength. He'd seen this trap a thousand times over. Power was offered to someone who was weak, and when the said weak person took that offer, there was some sort of trap laid in wait for him. Sasuke reaches up and touches the mark, sighing.
He won't go to Orochimaru. Going to Orochimaru was the same thing as admitting weakness.
An avenger cannot admit weakness.
Sasuke turns, picking up his shirt and tossing it on top of the washing machine to take care of later. He moves down his dark hallway, back towards his room, passing the closed and locked doors that led to Itachi's room, and then his parents' room, respectively. He ignores them. He won't set foot in them, either.
He steps into his room, looking around him. Everything is the same. Everything is always the same. Sasuke is tired of it. He lies down on his bed and stares at the blank ceiling, which refuses to give him an answer to his problems. It never has much to say. He rolls over onto his side and questions the wall instead with his eyes, which still gives him no answer. He sighs heavily and buries his face into his pillow.
All is silent in the Uchiha manor.
Even the birds do not dare to sing within it's gates.
Caught in the undertow,
Just caught in the undertow...
Every step that I take
Is another mistake to you..
Sasuke awakens with a start.
Must have fallen asleep.
He stands up and stretches, then lowers his arms and sighs heavily.
Well.. at least there weren't any dreams this time.
The dreams had begun ever since he'd stared into Itachi's eyes. Dreams he could never talk about. Dreams where unspeakable things happened. Dreams where Sasuke would eventually turn into exactly what Itachi was. Dreams that scared Sasuke out of his mind. Dreams that caused him to see only a monster when he looked into the mirror.
Sasuke would never talk about them.
An avenger cannot admit weakness.
His gaze shifts, staring at a photograph upon his dresser. A photo of the team he belongs to.
"Three man teams..? Sounds like two too many."
Naruto looks so happy. The place where Sasuke's heart once was aches even more, and Sasuke reaches up, his fingers digging into the exposed skin of his chest. A sound coming from the other side of the house makes him jerk up, his Sharingan automatically flashing into his eyes. He stands and moves to the doorway, stepping outside.
"Who's there..?!" He demands. A sense of dread has filled him, and his hand reaches for a kunai lying on a table as he moves forward toward the end of the hallway. A shadow suddenly pounces upon him and snatches his wrist, so tightly that the bones creak in protest. Sasuke cries out in surprise as the shadow forces him back against the wall, pressing their bodies together.
"Long time, no see, little brother."
And I know
I may end up failing too..
Warm lips are upon his before Sasuke can react, a pair of Sharingan staring into another. A hand sildes over his chest, and Sasuke shudders in disgust and begins to struggle. The hand tightens on his wrist, drawing a whimper from his throat. Sasuke can't move, can barely breathe. His heart is racing, his blood is hot again. Itachi pulls away from his lips, a thin trail of saliva connecting the two before it breaks away. Itachi smirks. Sasuke can't meet his eyes.
I can't fight him..
"You still haven't improved much, little brother.." Itachi murmurs, his lips ghosting over Sasuke's ear. Sasuke shivers again, his anger at the boiling point.
"Stop touching me." He growls out. Itachi's Sharingan shift to his, curiously.
"Oh? And what do you plan to do about if I don't..?" He asks, challengingly. "You haven't learned to hate me enough, Sasuke.. and until you learn, I won't go away."
Until you learn, I won't go away.
Sasuke explodes. He shoves Itachi back and wipes at his lips, spitting on the floor.
"You fucking bastard." He grinds out. He begins forming seals, but again, Itachi reaches out and snatches his wrist.
"Now, now. We can't have any of that." His hand tightens. A sickening snap echoes through the hallway. Sasuke screams and falls to his knees.
It's just like last time.
A kick connects with his side, and he rolls across the floor, coughing up blood.
Why haven't I gotten any stronger..? Why am I still no match for him..?!
He staggers to his feet. Itachi grabs him and pins him to the wall, and again Sasuke's stomach twists in revulsion as the older man's lips meet with his, roughly. His hands roam all over Sasuke's body, and Sasuke continues struggling to push him off with his one useable hand. Eventually, he begins to realize it's useless, and although he's doing his best to hate Itachi with everything he has, it's not helping him. His hand drops, and Itachi smirks.
"You see? It's futile." He says, softly, his hand sliding down to Sasuke's waist. He glances down, noticing that Sasuke is trembling.
"Are you afraid of me, Sasuke..?" He asks, looking amused. "You're shaking." Sasuke's Sharingan eyes narrow into slits.
"I hate you." He hisses.
"Yes." Itachi says, kissing at the boy's neck. "..but you don't hate me enough. And you never will. There will always be one part of you that loves this. That still loves me. You'll never be able to let that go."
His words, although spoken calmly, bite into Sasuke's flesh, burning and stinging like needles coated in acid. He grits his teeth. He hates Itachi more than ever now, and his good fist clenches tightly at his side where Itachi has it pinned.
He hates Itachi more than ever, because he knows his older brother is right.
Sasuke closes his eyes helplessly and slumps against the wall.
I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there,
I'm tired of being what you want me to be..
"Sasuke? Sasuke, Kakashi-sensei wants us to meet him--" The door bangs, and sock-muffled footsteps can be heard along the polished wooden floors. There's a choked gasp of shock. Sasuke's Sharingan whirl to face the figure now in the hallway.
Naruto..?!
The blonde stands there, utterly dumbfounded, his mind barely registering what is going on before his eyes.
Itachi.. Sasuke.. kissing.. Sasuke looks.. scared?
Naruto's fists clench. Itachi slowly draws away from the flesh of Sasuke's neck and turns his gaze towards him, questioningly. He says nothing. Naruto finally finds his voice.
"What the FUCK do you think you're doing to him, you bastard?!" He snarls, moving to rush at Itachi. Sasuke shouts out.
"NARUTO! Stop, you usuratonkachi, you'll get yourself killed before you realize it!" He cries, desperately.
Don't wanna see him die.
Not like Mom and Dad.
Naruto pauses, hesitating. Itachi kneels down and picks up Sasuke's kunai from the floor, pointing it neatly at the boy's throat, cutting and drawing a thin red line across the pale flesh. Sasuke flinches, but doesn't dare move or struggle.
"Yes. Do stop, Naruto." He says, softly, his free hand caressing over Sasuke's face. "Or some particularly nasty things may happen to Sasuke, here."
"You're crazy.. you're fucking crazy.." Naruto says quietly, but doesn't dare move from his spot. Sasuke closes his eyes.
Good. He's safe.. for now.
He opens his eyes again.. they're back to their original, dark ebony, the Sharingan gone. It was useless.
"Naruto.. get out of here. But swear to me you won't tell anyone about this."
"Sasuke--"
"SWEAR IT!" Sasuke yells, even as Itachi nips at his shoulder, the kunai cutting into the flesh of his chest, not too deep, but deep enough to draw a thin line of blood.
"Naruto, stay where you are." Itachi says. "Stay.. so that you will forever be a reminder to Sasuke that he cannot escape me." He smirks. "So that he will never forget.. that he will never hate me enough to kill me like he so wishes. That he will die a miserable death, knowing his life was wasted for a useless cause. A reminder.. that I will never go away."
Naruto is shaking with anger, but knows he can't move. Sasuke closes his eyes. No tears threaten to come. He'd long ago forgotten what crying was. Itachi's hands continue roaming over him, the kunai still cutting. Suddenly, Itachi's hands draw away and place themselves on Sasuke's shoulders. He leads him to the mirror in the dark hallway and turns him to face it, his hands remaining on his shoulders. Naruto watches from the other end of the hall helplessly. Sasuke stares at his reflection.
The word "HATE" is carved into his chest with shallow cuts, blood beginning to drip from a few places. Sasuke feels his lungs tighten with fear. He can barely breathe. The sight in front of him terrifies him, for reasons he cannot explain. Itachi removes one hand from his shoulders, smearing the blood across the scrawled word. Sasuke flinches in pain and then cries out, breaking away from Itachi's grip and running back towards Naruto, who is standing in the lighter end of the hallway, the light illuminating his body.
Itachi steps and catches him before he makes it five steps towards the blonde boy and drags him back. Naruto flinches and almost moves towards him, but the kunai is pointed at Sasuke's throat again, and he lowers his hand and falls still again. Sasuke struggles, yelling for Naruto, trying desperately to get away from the strong arm that's wrapped around his shoulders.
I don't want to be this anymore.
He feels a strange stinging in his eyes and realizes that for the first time since he'd jumped in front of Naruto during the fight with Haku, tears were making his way into his eyes.
He realizes.. no matter how hard he fights against Itachi, he can't make it back into the light. Back to where Naruto was. He was too far gone as it was, and that even if he could make it back to Naruto.. back to the small bit of light that remained in his life.. he wouldn't ever be able to forget the lingering shadow of Itachi in his mind. Even if he could kill Itachi, he'd never be able to forget.
Itachi had made sure of that.
Sasuke understands, now.
A reminder.. that I will never go away.
Itachi smiles as Sasuke stops struggling and falls almost completely still except for his harsh breathing. He releases the child and lets him fall limply to the floor. His gaze shifts to Naruto briefly, before he vanishes in a swirl of smoke.
Naruto still can't find the strength to move.
I'm becoming this..
Sasuke eventually shifts, and stands up slowly, painfully. He reaches down and picks up the kunai, left on the ground by Itachi, his fingers tracing over the cold metal. Briefly, he entertains the idea of turning the weapon on himself, but the idea is quickly dismissed. He glances up to Naruto, his eyes red and glassy with tears he has yet to shed. He moves forward, slowly, toward the blonde, until he's standing directly in front of him.
Naruto finally registers movement, and throws his arms around Sasuke's neck.
"Sasuke, I--" He begins, but is cut off abruptly, choking and coughing up blood. Sasuke has sunk the kunai into his stomach, and Naruto cries out, releasing the Uchiha and stepping back, clutching the wound. He stares up at Sasuke, his blue eyes filled with tears. Sasuke turns away, unable to face those eyes.
"..forgive me, Naruto. But I don't need any more reminders about what I am." He says, softly. He finally turns to look at Naruto's face, hoping he understands. The blonde has lowered his gaze, coughing up more blood. Sasuke reaches out and caresses his face.
"I'm sorry."
Naruto falls to the ground and lies utterly still, bathed in light.
Sasuke turns away and fades back into the darkness he'll never escape again.
..all I want to do..
A scream echoes through the empty Uchiha manor as Sasuke jolts awake. His hand is immediately at his chest, clutching it tightly. His lungs are burning, his insides twisting with nausea. He stands and runs to the bathroom, kneeling over the toliet and throwing up whatever was in his stomach into the porcelain bowl. He sits, trembling, gripping the sides of the toliet tightly.
A dream.. it was another one of those dreams..
The image of Naruto lying on the floor, covered in blood and yet bathed in light flashes through his mind again, and Sasuke vomits again, his stomach twisting in protest. He can't stop shaking.
That.. that's never happened in any of these dreams.. Naruto never shows up. I'll never be able to face him again.
He stands, slowly, unsure on his feet, staring at his hand. It's still trembling violently. Sasuke leaves the room, avoiding the mirror. He turns to briefly make sure that the mirror in the hall his still broken from earlier, and when that's confirmed, he sinks to the floor in the shadows of the hallway, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in them, shaking.
"Sasuke..?"
Sasuke jerks in surprise, looking up.
Naruto?!
"Sasuke, Kakashi-sensei says we have a team meeting soon. Sasuke..? Where are you..?"
Naruto's footsteps pad along the wooden floors. Sasuke stands up, remaining in the shadows, as Naruto appears from around the corner, illuminated by sunlight streaming in from the windows.
"Sasuke?" He asks, blinking. "What're you doing, standin' in the dark?" He asks. "And what's with your eyes? They're all red and puffy. Were you crying or something?"
Sasuke doesn't answer. Naruto steps forward, looking concerned by Sasuke's lack of cynical response.
"Sasuke..?" He tries again. At this point, he and the Uchiha were standing face to face, one in shadow, one in light. Naruto is getting scared by Sasuke's utter silence, and reaches out to touch him, flinching as he notices that Sasuke's shoulders are shaking uncontrollably.
"Sasuke, answer me." Naruto says, looking into his eyes, jerking in surprise again. Sasuke looks.. terrified. He isn't sure of what to say.
Sasuke suddenly moves.. he drops down to his knees on the cold wooden floor and reaches out, wrapping his arms around Naruto's waist and burying his face into the blonde's stomach. Naruto flinches and stares down at the Uchiha in shock.
God.. he's shaking so bad.
He glances around, nervously.
What could possibly unnerve Sasuke so much??
Slowly, hesitantly, he kneels down too, prying Sasuke's hands from around his waist. Sasuke stares at him, still not saying a word. Naruto looks down at the pale hand, gripped in his own, and then releases the Uchiha, reaching out and wrapping his arms tightly around Sasuke's shoulders and pulling him into a tight embrace. Sasuke's trembling increases, as he buries his face into Naruto's warm shoulder.
He sobs.
..is be more like me,
and be less like you.
----Fin.
So.. dark enough for you? I hope so.
If you absolutely must flame me, please do so in a respectable manner, so I don't have to laugh at you later on. Though, positive encouragement is always better. n.n
Oh, and by the way. Usurakontachi= dumbass. n.n;
Anyway, thanks for reading, hope I didn't unnerve or confuse anyone.
--TAB