Disclaimer: If I owned House, the team would be: Cole, Cole's "Love Muffin" (Kutner), and Thirteen.
Kutner and his Defibrillating Adventure
Doctor Lawrence Kutner was frolicking through the hallways of PPTH, dragging a Defibrillator cart behind him, in search of someone in distress who would need defibrillating. He called out cheerily to all of the folks he passed, and received odd looks from all of the new patients gracing the clinic's waiting room. The regulars, mostly hypochondriacs, simply ignored the man's actions.
Cuddy and Wilson were making out outside the door of her office, and as Kutner galloped past, they pulled apart long enough to roll their eyes in his direction. They weren't apart for long, though, and were soon participating in an epic lip-lock once again. Kutner wasn't sure, but he could guess that there was a lot of fighting going on between the two tongues.
"They don't need a Defib," Kutner called out as he passed them. He stopped at the Emergency room and grabbed Cameron's arm. "Anyone need a Defib?" he queried, excitement lacing his voice. Cameron shook her head.
"Not today, Kutner," she said. He wheeled away from her and headed towards the elevator. As he ran, Cameron exchanged a look with one of the nurses.
"He's trying to put me out of a job, isn't he?" the nurse asked. Cameron shrugged and returned to the chart she had been reading.
Kutner was riding the Elevator up, and galloped off on the third floor. He careened down the hall, barely avoiding the doctors and visitors maneuvering down the hall. He slammed back first into the door to House's office, pushing it open and slipping inside. He heard gasps and moans and grunts emanating from near the desk. He turned around and found the sight of Doctors Robert Chase and Gregory House pulling off each others clothing. Kutner tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy dog and lifted up the Defibrillator paddles.
"One of you needs a Defib!" he said loudly. Chase and House jumped apart (well, Chase jumped away from House, who simply leaned against the desk due to the fact that he can't jump because he's got a big ass hole in his leg). House stared menacingly at Kutner while Chase lowered his eyes and buttoned his trousers, a deep blush creeping up onto his cheek. Kutner grinned.
"Don't you have clinic duty?" House queried, his voice showing the annoyance he felt. "Isn't Cuddy looking for you so she can force you to do what you're paid to do?"
"Cuddy's got her tongue too far down Wilson's throat to care," Kutner said giddily. "So I get to run around with my trusty defibrillator and help those in need. I'm like a super hero...Yeah! 'Super Kutner' to the rescue!" House rolled his eyes, Chase's blush darkened.
"No one in this room needs a defib," House said. "Now leave."
"Dr. Chase hasn't said anything, I think he needs a defib," Kutner parried. Chase glanced up, but quickly returned his eyes to the floor.
"No, Kutner, he doesn't," House said sharply. "Now leave." Kutner frowned, his lip twitched as though her were going to start crying.
"But someone has to need a Defib!"
"LEAVE!"
Kutner's head drooped, and if he had a tail it'd have been between his legs. He didn't have a tail, though, so he just dragged the defibrillator cart behind him out the door. Chase looked up when he was sure Kutner was gone and shook his head.
"How long as he been at that now?" he asked.
"A couple of weeks," House said, pulling Chase to him using the other man's belt loop. Their lips met in a half-assed kiss 'cause Chase pulled away.
"Someone else is gonna come in," he said. "Let's go somewhere else."
'Where do you suggest we go?" House asked. "The morgue?" Chase's eyes sparkled in that unnatural way people's eyes sparkle when they're being written about, or when they're a cartoon character.
Later on, after Kutner had been yelled at by Foreman (that man's no fun, he never has his tongue down someone else's throat so he won't yell and he never needs a Defib!) to do his job, Kutner spent a fair few hours in the clinic. After escaping, with the assistance of Remy Hadley (previously known as "Thirteen") and Taub (he never had a fun nickname, to Kutner's immense enjoyment…he often joked that Taub's name need a Defib).
Anyway, the point is that Kutner got away.
He decided that he better go and make sure that the dead people in the morgue were all actually dead. He didn't want someone to wake up in a body bag in a freezer and wonder how the hell someone had mistaken them for dead. He grabbed a Defib-Cart and quickly snagged an elevator, riding down to the basement and heading for the beautiful room full of blue bodies known as the morgue. As he pushed open the door and walked in, he heard grunts coming from the back corner and his face lit up.
"Someone woke up!" he whispered to himself, "They'll need a Defib!" He moved as quickly and quietly as he could with the cart and meandered through the rows of bodies. He turned a corner and found, to his surprise, not a dead person waking up but House pushed up against a wall with Chase pounding into him. Kutner tilted his head sideways like a confused puppy, then shrugged and shouted:
"WHO NEEDS A DEFIB?!" and proceeded to run at Chase's clutching the paddles with his arms outstretched. Luckily, Chase heard Kutner loud and clear (the guy shouted, so it makes sense), and pulled himself and House violently out of the way. Also luckily, Kutner managed to swerve before he hit the walls and electrocuted himself…again.
"What's the big idea, Kutner?!" Chase asked hotly, pulling himself out of house and quickly whisking his pants up from around his ankles. House, too, pulled his pants back on and turned to face Kutner.
"This is going way too far," he said. "Why do you keep running around asking us if we need a Defib?"
Kutner thought for a minute. He even put the paddles back on the cart and scratched his head. Then he shrugged. "You fired my boyfriend," he said. House cocked an eyebrow.
"Cole?" he asked, Kutner nodded. "When I said you were his 'love muffin' I was kidding."
"You were right," Kutner said. He grabbed the paddles and faked a lunge at Chase before turning and dragging the cart out of the morgue. Chase glanced at House, who shrugged.
"Shall we continue?" House queried.
"Nah, I've gotta go take Cameron out on a date and propose to her," Chase said. "We can pick it up tomorrow." House nodded. Chase left. As Chase arrived at the Emergency room and walked up to Cameron, she looked at him with worry in her eyes.
"Where's Kutner?" she asked, her voice frantic.
"I'm not sure. He just left the morgue a minute ago," Chase said. "Why?"
"WE NEED A CRASH CART!" Cameron screamed. Chase raised an eyebrow.
"There's one in every wing," he said. Cameron shook her head.
"He hid them all so he could be the one to Defib people," she said. "Not to mention he's broken a few riding them down the stairs." Chase's eyes filled with worry, but at that moment Kutner rode in on his faithful crash cart and miraculously stopped right next to the patient who needed him and managed to revive him.
"Super Kutner Saves the Day!" he yelled with glee. Then he dropped the paddles and an electric shock went through the entire building, killing everyone except Kutner ('cause he's "Super Kutner") who then left the building and raced into the arms of his Lover, Cole, who was waiting in the blistering New Jersey winter just for this scene. The End.