"Me and the major could become close friends
...but there's too much history, too much biography between us."
-Belle & Sebastian, Me and the Major
CLOSET CASE
By the time she realized she might like Ai it was too late.
It didn't happen with any fanfare. Just Konno Junko thinking back to an actress from the 70s she had liked, thinking, Mizuno-san's a bit like her, and some other part of her conscience going, Your mind goes to her because you like her.
Was such a thing possible? Who knew?
Junko had never done anything with another girl and literally prayed she never would. That would make things official. Then it really would be too late. They had appeared on TV from time to time, the homosexuals, maybe on one of the afternoon talk shows. No one ever came out and called them a queer, but all the same you knew who these people were. These were the celebrities never asked about their home life, the women in three piece suits and hair cut above the shoulders or shorter or hidden under a wide-brimmed hat. Regardless of their snazzy attire, these ladies appeared sweaty and desperate, willing to play the fool in exchange for the studio applause they mistook for love and acceptance. Junko pictured their homes: the finicky placement of furniture and the collection of Sylvia Plath books without any husbands to disturb them. She envisioned them powerless and sobbing as the police led them away in shackles, past the teenage girl bathed in the lights of the TV news camera crew who screamed, "That's her! She's the one who picked me up hitch-hiking and touched me!" Such things were known to happen, according to the PSAs that played before The Electric Company, Junko's favorite show when she was little.
She liked Ai too much to subject her to that.
The girl she liked was brash and brave, unafraid to speak her mind. Chances were that she wouldn't put up with any homosexual nonsense if it came her way. She was just that strong, and Junko liked her for that.
Still, something needed to be done. She settled on an old habit. Backstage in the tangerine-colored dressing room, silenced by stage fright and unable to warm up, she would give her fears voice and set them free. "I'm afraid to go up there." Alright. Now do your arpeggios.
And that was how on one fateful day the girl known as the legendary Showa idol wound up on the balcony of the moldy old mansion she shared with other undead legends, ready to voice her feelings for Ai and set them free forever.
"I'm in love with Mizuno-san."
"Ai? Seriously?"
Her heart sank. She didn't realize she had company. Dismayed, she turned around and found Saki and Sakura standing in the doorway looking at her.
"I still think it would be best if you told her yourself," said Saki.
Junko shook her head vigorously.
"Fine, do what you want. I don't see what good telling me's gonna do."
"I didn't mean to tell you." Her eyes were glued to the computer monitor. She was thinking of giving this "internet" thing a shot. "This thing can really find information on anything?"
Saki shrugged, chin in palm. "That's what Sakura says." She was sitting cross-legged to the right of the monitor. "I say if we can put a man on the moon then we can sure as shit find info on anything."
I was a mere toddler when that happened, Junko thought. We could put a man on the moon but one girl across an island country by plane? That was asking too much.
Those thoughts hurt her and she shuddered them out of her like a dog shaking off fleas. She was, as they said back then, out to lunch on this internet. The window was demanding a lot of her. Sign up now for this deal while it still lasts! Get an account and receive mail (that sounded bogus to her, they had a mail box outside)! Do this, do that. The internet was one bossy dude.
Saki watched her, then leaned in and said, "I think you type in what you wanna look for up here." She tapped a little white bar on the screen toward the top. The bar said this was a Yahoo dot com. Yahoo, yeah, this window sure was full of yahoo.
Junko typed in Ai's name. What followed underneath was the word "death," plus some of the older Iron Frill song names.
She paused… then added "sexuality" to her search.
"I don't think Ai did much adult film acting," Saki said. "She died young."
"You turkey!" Junko squeaked, blushing. "I just wanted to know if she's a homosexual or not."
"Like you."
Junko went quiet.
"A lesbian like you," Saki pressed.
"I'm not a homosexual."
"You're looking up a crush's sexual orientation. Seems pretty gay to me."
"I'm not gay – and keep your voice down!" Neither, so far as the internet knew, was Ai. Forty years later and the news still kept mum about a star's homosexuality. Junko clicked on an article and began reading.
Saki looked over. "Uh, I think if a person wants to know more about someone they like then they, y'know, talk to them."
Junko didn't respond. Saki looked back at her and saw she was smiling softly at the computer screen. She left her alone then. If reading about Ai brought her this much happiness it couldn't be so bad.
"This is just like microfilm," she said after a while. She sat back and cracked her neck. "Do you remember those?"
"Those huge-ass screens that let you read old newspapers? No diggity." Not that Saki read many newspapers, old or new, in her time.
"I wonder if they still have those." Junko cleared the bar at the top and started typing. Her typing was slower and her face redder. Saki looked over again.
"Whoa," she said.
Can two girls kiss?
"Junko. Are you sure you're not –"
"You said this could find anything. You said, 'If we can put a man on the moon.'"
"I'm beginning to think we'll put a man on Pluto before you admit you're gay." Saki sighed and hopped off the desk. "And I can tell you myself that two girls can kiss. And do. Me and Sakura do it all the time. I could give you pointers –"
"That's too embarrassing!" Junko shouted, unaware of how much embarrassment she was in for.
This search yielded a lot more results than that of Ai's love life, and Junko began to feel relieved. Seems old Mr. Internet was good for something after all. Though she had no idea what college teens had to do with this. Nevertheless hopeful, she clicked the first line of blue letters.
The sound of funky guitar riffs and girls moaning filled the room.
Junko froze, beet-red, as her skittish mental switchboard dealt with what she was looking at. Get rid of it, now. But how? Feeling like a mouse trapped in a cage with a very hungry snake, she tried to look everywhere but the video that was playing. The x. The red x in the corner. She clicked it, mercifully choking off the sounds of erotic delight.
"Wha'd you do that for?" Saki asked indignantly. "We struck gold there!"
"That wuh-wasn't what I was l-l-looking f-for!"
"Y'think kissing's like the immaculate conception? C'mon, girl!"
"N-No." But she hadn't even asked Ai out. She had zero intention of having sex with her if she could help it.
Ai's voice sounded from outside and Junko's heart sank. She longed for a hole to fall into. "I'm coming in."
"You wish she was, eh?" Saki muttered out of the side of her mouth and snickered. Her philosophy was that along with the news that you liked somebody you also handed over a signed permit to tease you about them.
"I need to use the computer real quick to look something up," Ai said, holding out a gauze-wrapped hand toward the object in question.
"It wouldn't be girls kissing, would it – ow!" Saki bellowed.
With hands clasped so tight the color had seeped out of the knuckles, Junko stamped the heel of her foot in rapid succession on Saki's toes.
"Ow! Ow – ow, ow, ouch. Ow, dammit, stoppit!" Saki finally dug her foot out and yanked on one of Junko's pigtails. The smaller girl gave a soft "ow."
Ai's death-reddened eyes oscillated between them. She squinted. "Were you two up to something?"
"No!" Junko said, loudly and quickly.
Ai giggled. "You're such a bad liar. C'mon, 'fess up." And she made her way toward the computer.
"'Fess up," Saki repeated, nursing her bruised foot. "From your lips to God's ears."
Junko, normally the most quiet and complacent girl, fought Ai tooth and nail to keep her from bringing up Mr. Internet. Her deepest fear was having to see that video again with her in the same room.
Ai brought up the internet only for it to show that "Yahoo" window. Temporary relief.
She clicked some buttons and the window with the video came back. Renewed dread.
"Oh… Oh," she whispered, backing away.
"It's not what you think!" Junko threw her hands over her burning face. "Mizuno-san, please believe me!"
"It's fine… Maybe you just switched to porn because it was easier to explain… Um…" Ai backed into the door, spun around, and grabbed the knob. She pulled, twisted, got the door open, then broke out of there in a rush without even closing it behind her.
Junko's miserable whimpering comingled with the giggles and groans coming from the computer.
"She definitely thinks I'm weird."
"Yeah, probably," said Saki.
Junko glared. "You're really a kind, sympathetic person. Has anyone ever told you that?"
"No, actually. Thanks!"
Dawn broke over the hills of Saga, orange embers of sun chasing the purple clouds of night westward. Another chilly winter day.
Unfortunately the beauty of such a sunrise wasn't visible from the windowless basement of Casa de Franchouchou. This was where they convened each day to meet with their hectic producer.
"Gooooooooood – morning!" Kotarou sang, his hands working the knobs of a familiar red toy. Iron filings skittered across the screen, depicting Truth Coming Out of Her Well.
"Good morning," they said automatically.
"What's with the Etch-a-Sketch?" Sakura asked.
"It's an ecchi-sketchy, which aptly describes the site I found on the internet's browsing history!" The smile fell like a curtain and he cleared Truth away with a smart shake. "Which one of you PERVO ZOMBIES has been looking at porn?!"
Ai cast a sideways glance at Junko, who looked down. Saki joined the others in looking around at each other.
Kotarou set aside his Etch-a-Sketch and, hands on his hips, set to pacing in front of them, shaded eyes meeting each of theirs, trying to ferret out the necroperv behind this.
He stopped in front of Lily.
"I didn't do it," she said indignantly.
"You better not have. 'Cause if it turns out you did your decaying little butt will be grounded for six months!"
"No way! What about performances?"
"We'll put up a cardboard cut-out of you in your stead."
Lily clucked her tongue. "Lame."
"Complain and I'll hang a sign off it that says –" he pitched his voice in falsetto in imitation of hers "– Lily couldn't come because I looked at porn!"
"Maybe Tae did it," said Saki.
Kotarou crossed to where Tae sat and looked at her. She looked in his direction, purge leaking from the corner of her mouth.
He shook his head, put a hand on her shoulder. "Ladies, I am disappointed. Saddened. Distraught."
"Dish-thot," Tae agreed.
"Tae," he said, "is not some zombie scapegoat for you to shunt all your wrongdoings on. Have you no sense of shame? Of responsibility?"
This cowed them. Each girl stared at her hands in her lap. Tae grunted and mimicked their actions, but Kotarou wouldn't have that.
"You did nothing wrong." He tipped his fingers under her chin and lifted her head. With eerie smoothness it slipped backward off her neck and dropped to the dank floor with a heavy meaty thump!
Nothing daunted, Kotarou resumed pacing, saying only, "Pick your head up, Queen, your head's falling off."
The silence continued. Spun out for a minute. Yugiri pulled long and deep off her pipe. Tae's truncated body waved its arms about. He decided it was time to up the ante.
"I could punish one of you or I could punish all, and the way this is looking…" He turned and picked up a cardboard box, set it on a nearby table, dusted it off, opened it. "… It'll have to be all.
"I made up some fabulous T-shirts for you all to wear to your next show. Each one has your most embarrassing secrets on it."
Saki barked a laugh. "You're not serious."
"As death. Let's see here…" He dug through the box and produced a white T-shirt. "Ope! This one here's Sakura's. Cute, isn't it?" He turned it so the front faced them.
I WET THE BED 'TIL I WAS 11!
"I did not!" Sakura screamed, but her face said that she totally did.
"Sakura," Saki muttered with newfound pity.
"I said I didn't! What, you're going to take his word over mine?"
Kotarou tossed the shirt at her, then continued rummaging.
"Ay ay ay, this one must be Ai's!"
I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER!
"Who's that?" Junko asked, curious.
"Ai-chan, seriously?" Sakura whispered.
"Oh, save your remarks for your rubber mattress, bedwetter!" Ai spat.
"I could go on," Kotarou said, pitching the shirt at her chest, "or one of you could save the rest of your crew."
This time Ai didn't glance at Junko, she glared.
"It was me," Saki said, trying her best to make her voice sound like someone guilty of a crime. "I did it. I looked at the porn." She couldn't help confessing to this one. What Kotarou said about taking one for your crew touched her in a big way.
Sakura gave a knowing, unsurprised "huh."
Kotarou opened his mouth.
"No, it was m-me."
Now Sakura gave a shocked "HUH?!"
Junko was standing, her hands clenched into fists. Her face was brave enough, but it burned hot with embarrassment.
Sakura started laughing. "Junko-chan, you don't need to do this for Saki-chan."
"No, it was her," Ai said evenly. "I saw her."
Kotarou sighed and turned toward the blackboard, muttering about how it was always the quiet ones you had to look out for. The click and drag of chalk drifted from in front of him.
"Franchouchou," he finally said, turning and pointing to what he had written on the board, "is a family-friendly idol group for fans of all ages. Whatever you hope to learn from watching such videos would not aid in your practice or advancement as a star. Understood?"
"Yessir," said Sakura.
"Junko?"
"Y-Yes…"
"Further," he continued, "you are zombies. Engaging in such acts would be considered necrophilia. And don't even get me started on the diseases your purge and maggot filled bodies could pass on to the living. Parasitic infections, cholera, you name it. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yessir," said Sakura. The rest of them (save Tae) nodded.
"Very well. You all won't be wearing those shirts… except Junko." He pulled a shirt out of the box and held it up. It said: I SWALLOWED LAXATIVES TO GET OUT OF P.E. AND CRAPPED MY PANTS!
So the day went like any other. Vocal practice followed by dance practice. Nobody said a word about the porn, but Junko knew it was on their minds. She couldn't get Ai's face out of hers, especially that glare she threw at her. Well, thanks to me everyone here knows her most embarrassing secret. She wouldn't be surprised if Sakura hated her a little bit, too.
"Okay, ladies, take five," Saki said, sitting down heavily. This usually meant take thirty, but she said take five anyway.
"I'll take five… hundred pushups," Ai said and set to the floor, bringing her hands up to clap with each push.
"Yer gonna die all over again, Ai."
"I'm gonna," Junko said, pausing, "work on my solo." Without making eye contact, she scurried out of the room.
There was a moment of quiet, save for Ai's steady breathing, the shift of her shirt, and her hands clapping. Sakura at length broke it by asking, "Did Junko-chan really look at… you know… It doesn't seem like her."
"Like I said," Ai panted. Hup, clap! Hup, clap! Hup, clap!
"Yeah," said Saki. "It was an accident. I was with her when Ai walked in."
"She made the cutest little face when I did."
Silence spun out. It took Ai a moment to register that they were all looking at her.
"What?"
"You think she's cute?" Saki asked.
"I mean… yeah." Her face pinched into a glare. "Isn't that normal, though?"
"Maybe. Depends on what kinda feelings you got for Junko."
Ai stopped her pushups and sat on the floor. She stared uneasily at Saki. "What are you getting at here?"
Saki stared back. "Ai. Do you like Junko?"
Ai stiffened, then tried a noncommittal shrug. "She's okay."
"I'm not talking about that kind of like." To illustrate what kind, Saki laid her hand on Sakura's and gave her a warm smile which she hesitantly returned. The pink-haired girl was fine with her girlfriend's shows of affection, but the way she was doing it now felt like they were picking a fight with Ai. Her eyes darted between her and Saki.
Ai glowered at them. "You gays. You find out who you are and get in one little relationship and suddenly everyone's gotta be like you."
"Everyone should be so lucky," said Lily.
"See, pipsqueak knows what's up!" Ignoring Lily's pouty protests, Saki continued, "And I'm not insisting you be like me or Sakura. I'm just talking. Having a li'l girltalk. You ever had girltalk, Ai?"
"On occasion." She sighed. "Promise me you won't tell anyone?"
Lily's eyes widened and Yugiri looked up from her pipe. Tae was busy trying to make sense of her reflection in the mirror.
Saki smiled. "I promise."
"You really, really promise?"
"If I tell anyone I'll swallow a thousand needles."
Ai stared at her and then looked down. A blush creeped up from under her bandages. "Yeah," she said in a voice so quiet it was barely audible. "Yeah, I'm gay. Always was when I was alive, too. And –" she scrubbed a hand along her burning cheek "– I guess I have a crush or something on Junko."
Lily squealed. Yugiri smiled and returned to her opium. Tae continued her staredown with mirror-Tae; who was this bitch and why was she copying her movements?
"What do you like about her?" Saki asked.
"Her face."
Saki laughed. "Well, that is important… What else?"
"That's all I have to say about my crush on her." And Ai got on her belly to resume pushups.
"So much for girltalk," Saki muttered.
In truth there was lots Ai could say about Junko, more things and feelings than she knew what to do with sometimes. How even on the worst days, mornings where Kotarou would carry on with his insane chatter, on those days Ai would look sideways at Junko, stealing her face, and her heart would hurt desperately and grow brighter at the same time. How she thought of Junko everytime she listened to songs by the group Play. "I been missing you, I should be kissing you. Honey to the bee, that's you for me." Yeah, it was stupid, alright, as sloppy as a used Kleenex. But it was okay because no one was ever going to know this. Part of being an idol was playing them close to your chest, and Ai had a poker face that rivaled Lady Gaga's.
"What if I told you," Saki said with all the flair of a car salesman about to close a deal, "that Junko likes you too?"
Ai looked up from her clap and landed on her hands. Her breath woofed out of her as the heels drove into her diaphragm and her fingers shot out all over the floor.
"Dammit," she gasped. "Really?"
"Really?" Lily repeated. Her ectopic heart squeezed and pumped excitedly.
"She's smitten as a kitten," Saki said, nodding. She grinned. "That's one pussy I bet you'll –"
Sakura clapped a hand over her mouth. "Not in front of the child!"
Ai gathered up her fingers, tried to discern if each one went on the right or left hand, and set them accordingly.
Lily was apoplectic. "So like – like, are you gonna make her your girlfriend?"
Ai looked at her, a confused expression on her face. "Why would I do that?"
Sakura shot a surprised look at her. Her hand muffled Saki's shouts.
Lily tilted her head. "Because… you like her and she likes you back…?" She spoke like a kid chosen to answer a very difficult math problem.
"What could she and I gain from having a relationship?"
Saki pulled Sakura's hand away. "Oh, I don't know, um – love? Your parents sure misnamed you. You're more like Mizuno Stone-Cold Granite."
Ai raised an eyebrow. Inside she was seething – she could be just as sweet and affectionate as anybody, dammit! But this round of poker wasn't yet over. She still had things to prove.
"What she and I could gain pales in comparison to what we could lose if people found out about us. What you all could lose."
"Can't you have both?" Lily asked. "Celebrity couples are a thing."
"Gay ones aren't. If they are they don't have much of a career left for them."
"Well, I think there should be more celebrity gay couples! When I was alive I was surrounded by straighties and, like, they were the most boring people ever. You guys are way more fun. The playing field would just, you know, be more fun if we had more gay celebrities."
"It would certainly give children a role model to look up to," Yugiri said.
"Gay," Tae added.
Ai kneeled in front of Lily, smiling. "I know you're young and have your dreams, but the real world is a lot more harsh. Right now gay celebs get thrown out faster than you can say 'homophobia.' If they want to sacrifice their careers to make a statement and better the world so be it. But I won't be making such a sacrifice. Especially not with you guys' careers in tow."
Lily sulked, cheeks puffed out.
"Lemme ask you," Saki said in a low voice. "You've been saying over and over how your relationship with Junko could ruin our careers, but yer forgetting there's already a relationship within Franchouchou." She put an arm around Sakura. "Are me 'n Sakura ruining your precious little career?"
"Not yet," Ai said, standing. "To be honest, though, you two could be a lot more cautious."
"Huh?" Saki gritted her teeth and raised an eyebrow.
"Everyone can see those looks you give each other on stage. And everyone backstage can hear your little 'private talks.'"
Sakura blushed and looked down. Those talks certainly weren't about the weather.
Saki took her arm off her and stood. "You've got some real chutzpah, girl. Who died and made you Queen of the idol industry? You talk down to shrimpy like she's some kind of fucking idiot and you call me and Sakura a risk to your career? I ought to rearrange your face!"
Sakura groaned. "Saki-chan, please don't do this." Ai couldn't rap; there was no saving this one.
"Sorry to ruin your heterosexual fantasy, but as long as I'm the leader of Franchouchou each girl will be who she really is – except for the name. And that includes you and Junko. You're such a heartless fucking bought and paid-for shill, I bet you'd reject her and break her heart if a record company offered you enough cash to do it!"
"You have no idea –" Ai advanced and snatched the collar of Saki's shirt "– what it was like back then. You weren't even an idol!" She was shorter, so she wound up pulling Saki downward instead of up. "You don't know what it was like to have to hide your feelings for somebody, to express the appropriate amount of interest in boys during interviews, to wonder if they really know deep down but then know they don't because you're still selling tickets and the press looks clean. It isn't about the money. You. Don't. Know!" She shook Saki with each word.
The taller girl said nothing. Her face had smoothed out. Ai hated that pity look. This was why she hid everything.
"I'm taking a little break," she mumbled, heading for the door. "I don't feel so good."
"Ai-chan, wait," Sakura called. But she was already gone.
Ai laid on her stomach alone in their bedroom, a hermit crab under her home of cotton, burrowing in the sand of her shame. Death froze you in time, that was what pop culture led everyone to believe, and Ai was living (dying?) proof of it. First Junko, now Saki. She just had to be all proud and boastful, shoving the people who mattered most away from her for the sake of success. You go, Heisei Queen, all alone at the top with no one to hug and celebrate your victories with.
It was just – there were certain types of girls out there. Girls who dropped everything they worked so hard for and then some for the sake of some stupid guy. Ai was never going to be that kind of girl and she certainly didn't start when Junko came into the picture. She didn't drop out of Franchouchou to support the other girl's career. She went on, performance after performance, with Junko in her heart all the time. Could she still do that if they became a couple?
Anyways, Ai thought, Junko will get tired of my pride fast. We'll fight, break up, and Franchouchou will destabilize. It'll be divided into two camps, Team Ai and Team Junko, and those are not cute names for the new idol groups that form when Franchouchou breaks up. Operation Save Saga felled by two pissed off lesbians. She laughed.
Now that she thought about it Junko hid away for a time after their fight. Ai remembered thinking she was being a big baby, and here she was hiding away herself. Maybe we're more of a meant-to-be than I thought. "Oh honey, you hid away last time. It's my turn." But Junko pulled herself out of her funk and rejoined reality. The Showa era was over and she was here to represent. That was kind of when Ai began to fall for her. She never imagined timid little Junko having the guts to hop the gate and stand in front of a moving van.
So no, it wasn't just her face. She was brave. Junko was more scared of anything than anybody (What's pantophobia? Charlie Brown asked. The fear of everything, Lucy said), but she went out and got things done anyway. And there was nothing at all in the world better than watching her do that, knowing how bad the fear was eating her up inside… except maybe later on afterward, out of the public eye, taking her hand and saying, "You're my girl and I'm proud."
God, I really wanna do that.
And in a random flash of inspiration that sometimes blesses the lost it all came together in Ai's mind. She didn't become the legendary Heisei idol by thinking about it, and going for it had risks of its own. And hiding their relationship from their fans? They were trying to convince them they were alive. Who knows, maybe a little love and affection will make us seem all the less dead. Sakura and Saki may have been irresponsible, but Ai couldn't deny they were happy.
She sat up. Laughed. "I'm such an idiot," she told the empty room.
There was a pad of paper and a pencil on the floor in the corner. Ai got up and grabbed it. She laughed again. A crude drawing of a ponytailed demon proclaimed that saki-chan had a cut-up hotdog face. Lily was the artist, no doubt. Ai tore it out, crumbled it into a ball, and threw it in a nearby wastebin. Then she began to scribble.
Sakura and Saki were on their way to bed when they heard a yelp from the bedroom. Junko half-ran, half-stumbled out and met them in the hall.
"Nikaidou-san. Minamoto-san. What do I do?" Her eyes bulged and started. She clutched a folded piece of paper in her shaking hands. "I f-found this in my bed. What if she asks me out? What do I do?"
Saki took the paper and unfolded it. She and Sakura read it together, then smiled at each other.
Meet me on the balcony as soon as you can. -Ai
"What do I do?"
Saki handed the note back and grinned from ear to ear. "Whaddya mean, what do you do? You go and get 'er, tiger!" She slapped her on the back.
"Good luck, Junko-chan," Sakura added.
Smiling nervously, Junko nodded at both of them and ran off.
After a few seconds Saki started slowly after her.
"Saki-chan?"
"Now, Sakura. These two knuckleheads put me through a hard enough time. It's fair that I get to witness the fruits of my labor."
Junko found Ai where she said she'd be and took a moment to look at her. She was dressed in her blue pinstriped pajamas and leaning on the wooden railing looking up at the sky. Even though it was December and plenty cold no plumes of breath feathered from her mouth. As zombies they did breathe though maybe their bodies weren't warm enough to heat the winter air with each exhale.
Junko took a deep breath and placed a fist to her sternum. Her heart was beating. She could feel it in her ears.
If I want her to ask me out does that make me a homosexual? She didn't know. They didn't talk about this kind of stuff when she was alive. Homosexuality was so hidden you might have thought it didn't exist… except in stranger danger PSAs. She certainly didn't want to bait Ai for sexual favors (though after yesterday's incident the other girl might think otherwise) but court her the way a girl might a man. Was that homosexuality?
Whatever it was, if it meant she could be by Ai's side then maybe it wasn't so bad.
She opened the door.
Ai straightened and looked over her shoulder at her. Junko tried to read her face for any signs of tenderness, but it was her usual serious face.
"Cold out," Junko tried.
"It's not so bad."
"I hope you weren't waiting long."
"Since I dropped in that note during practice."
Junko winced. "That's really long."
Her face unchanging, Ai shrugged. "It's fine. I know how to make my own fun."
The line hung out mysteriously over the still winter night air.
Junko joined her leaning on the railing. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
Ai stared out at the sky. Then she turned to look at her. "I'm competitive."
Junko blinked and her short eyebrows lowered in confusion. Heisei slang? Was this how millennials asked people out?
"I'm stubborn. I like to have things my way. And I love my career. I love being an idol and I wouldn't trade that for anything."
Junko blinked. "I'm out to lunch on this."
Ai blushed and leaned in, her voice lowered to a tense murmur. "Okay, we're a couple. Don't make a big deal about it."
A feeling swept Junko powerfully and she clutched the railing. It was huge, inarticulate, bright as summer heat lightning. She opened her mouth to find it had dried out; she wasn't sure what she was going to say anyway.
Ai's blush deepened, as if Junko's silence embarrassed her more than if she had spoken. "Don't get the wrong idea. The second this interferes with Franchouchou I'm out. Understood?"
Now another feeling struck Junko, one she could put words to. Laughter bubbled up inside her and she let it spill out. It was all just so absurd. What a way to ask a girl out!
"Oh – Mizuno-san, I'm sorry!" she cried when Ai, at her limit for embarrassment, turned away in a huff. "Mizuno-san, listen."
Ai hesitantly looked over her shoulder.
Junko was smiling surely. "The second this interferes with Franchouchou I'm out, too."
Ai's eyebrows went up and she turned around.
"And I won't make a big deal about it. Promise."
"You're –" Ai swallowed. "You're sure about this? You know what I'm like."
"I do. And I like you for that."
Ai's blush returned and she looked down. How can she just come out and say stuff like this? Did people in the Showa era have no sense of subtlety?
Junko continued, "I wish I'd been more like you when I was alive."
This time it was Ai's turn to laugh. No, you don't. "I imagine I wouldn't have survived long in the 70s." Then softly, "I like you the way you are, too."
Junko's smile deepened. Ai awkwardly shuffled back to the railing and leaned on it. Junko joined her. The stars were Greek to them (ha ha), but they could see Venus shining coldly overhead.
"Hey," said Ai.
"Hmm?"
"Why were you watching porn anyway?"
Junko barked her knee on the railing and sank to the floor. A steady stream of steam rose off her scalp and the breath coming out of her was very warm indeed.
"Oh, can't we forget about that!"
"Sorry." Ai helped her up. "I was just wondering. I'll accept any answer you give."
Junko was quiet for so long that Ai had thought of changing the subject. Then, slowly but surely, she said, "I wasn't looking for pornography but, oh, an affirmation of sorts. I looked up 'can two girls kiss?'"
Ai blinked. "Like physically? We've got lips, they work."
Junko shook her head. "Sure, I probably could kiss a girl. I just wanted…" She took to studying her clasped hands. "… I wanted to find a way to kiss someone without feeling guilty about it." She snickered reflectively and shook her head again. "And instead I found spank material. You can find anything on the internet."
"Do you want to?"
"What?"
"Kiss." Ai stared steadily ahead, but her eyes swam.
Heat rose in Junko's face and she looked back down. "Do you?"
She heard Ai swallow. "I asked first."
"This is painful to watch," Saki whispered from her and Sakura's hiding place behind the door frame.
Junko glanced aside, then away. "Yes." She hated admitting to it. Would Ai think she was weird or horrible? Sure, they were a couple, but it was one thing to have feelings for your girlfriend and another to act on them.
When she looked back up she found Ai staring at her. Her unease deepened. "What?"
"I'm waiting for you to kiss me."
"Now?"
"Well, it doesn't have to be now if you don't want."
"No. No, I can do this." She flicked some hair out of her eyes and took to studying Ai's mouth. She could do this, it was right there. She leaned toward her.
"… Actually, I don't think I can do this." And she sank against the railing.
Ai smiled and put a hand on her back. "It's okay." I might have been misnamed but not her. With her other hand she pulled down the gauze covering her mouth. The edge of a Lichtenberg scar peeked in from the left. "Hey, Junko?"
"Yes? –Mm!"
Ai had leaned in and pressed her mouth to Junko's. She made no attempt to draw her tongue or even to touch her. Ultimately it was Junko who touched her, raising a timid hand to Ai's. Ai turned her hand palm-up and let Junko curl her fingers around it. The sky had cleared of storms and they could fly. Junko had finally relaxed into the kiss a bit (not relaxing, Ai would think later, replaying this moment in her head. Melting. She was melting.) when a loud shout sounded behind them.
"GET YOURS, JUNKO! AOW!"
Junko jerked back, torn out of her dreamy romantic reverie. She took one look at Saki and Sakura (the latter of whom had the side of her hand raised to her face in apology) and then looked down. Ai cast a disapproving glare at them, then took to comforting her girlfriend.
"There," Sakura whispered. "You ruined their first kiss. Can we go to bed now?"
"Yeah."
They stood and headed for the bedroom, hand in hand.
"Hey, Sakura. You down for a little making out action? I saw the porn, too, and I might have learned something."
Sakura laughed, but she looked like she was considering it.
"He doesn't understand and he doesn't try
He knows there's something missing and he knows it's you and I
We're the younger generation, we grew up fast
All the others did drugs
They're taking it out on us"
-Belle & Sebastian, Me and the Major
i said in a tumblr post that ai and junko were so g-ddamn stubborn that it'd take 100k words probably for them to come around to admitting their feelings... to themselves. thus i threw saki into the mix. fun fact: the kanji of their names put together literally translates to "pure love." so i wanted to make their relationship reflect that. (on a side note, though written in katakana saki's name can mean "bloom," making her a decent fit for a girl named after a flower indeed.) anyways, i hope you liked it. leave a comment if you did. i'll see you around. peace.