Pain's Storybook!
I don't own Naruto or any of the stories I use. But I do own the random children Pain tells the stories to.
Enjoy.
It was a snowy night, Itachi and Pain were enjoying a cold glass of cola while playing 'Truth or Dare'. So far, Itachi has been picking Truth, and Pain was picking Dare. So far, Itachi has admitted to 7,982 federal offenses that include wearing a clown nose out of season and saying 'pie' out of conversation, and putting mustard on a turkey, lettuce, and ketchup sandwich... none of which were considered federal offenses. Pain, on the other hand, had to streak in Konoha and Suna, drinking out of the toilet after Zetsu, Sasori, and Kisame go to the bathroom without flushing (under Itachis direct orders not to flush and to eat tons of beans), and don't forget the singing of 'Barbie Girl' in front of everyone. It was Itachi's turn.
"Truth or dare?" Pain asked.
"Truth." Itachi replied.
"Have you read a yaoi before?" Pain asked.
"Yep. It was very descriptive and very amusing. It was about me and you, Pain." Itachi said. "It was beyond M-rated towards the more adult scenes."
Pain looked shocked and shook it off as Itachi opened his mouth.
"Truth or dare?" Itachi asked.
"Dare me." Pain replied.
"I triple-dog-dare-you-times-infinity to read children bedtime stories... It can include Christmas tales too..." Itachi paused pulling out a childrens storybook. "While dressed like Santa."
Itachi then pulled out a Santa outfit.
"Fine." Pain said. "Pretty tame... What's the catch?"
"You have to read the stories to Konoha children." Itachi said.
"Damn." Pain said.
"Get going." Itachi said. "Don't forget the milk!"
Pain looked shocked as he slammed the door with his foot as he put on the beard and jacket and headed to Konoha.
"This isn't going to work." Pain muttered to himself as he climbed down the chimney and looked for the children's room.
He opened the door and saw a child, not much as a child, looked more like a teenage girl. The girl looked at Pain, saying:
"Santa? You're real? Oh, God, I should've not kicked those puppies and given those poor children seizures..."
"I'm so proud of you." Pain whimpered under his breath. "Hello, child, what's your name?"
"Lauretta." The girl, Lauretta, replied.
"Lauretta, you've been a role model of mine for quite some time." Pain said.
"Even with the kicking of puppies and the seizures on those children?" Lauretta asked.
"Yes!" Pain said. "Do you want to hear a bedtime story that I completely messed in my thoughts just now? It's just in time for Christmas."
"Sure. What's it about?" Lauretta asked.
"It's called: 'The Night before Christmas'." Pain said.
Pain sat down with Lauretta.
"'Twas the night before Christmas, with all through the house..." Pain paused for a second. "What the hell? Don't these people know children also live in apartments?!"
"True." Laurette said. "They should keep up to date."
"Let's go on... Not a creature was stirring... Not even a mouse..." Pain paused. "Hell with mouse, that's going to be a mutated rat! Anyways... The children was sleeping, the baby in the other room was weeping... If I was their dad, they would be dying! They laid out Santa, me, cookies and milk..."
Pain paused and glared at the book.
"What the hell?! Why the hell can't it be coffee or a ice cold beer?!" Pain shouted. "Anyways, The children were laying in beds made in silk, then why the hell can't they give Santa a beer so Santa can get drunk and throw up, but 'no!' they just give me some God damn cookies and milk! Santa put gifts under the tree and went up to the childrens rooms and got out a belt, the children will wake up with their asses kicked. I got out my Mustang and drove it onto their rooftop... Damn, that reindeer dropped... dead. I had some Rein-jerky, those children and their parents weren't perky..."
"Why?" Lauretta asked.
"Think, child! A bloody, run-over reindeer with strips of meat missing is something children would love to see!" Pain replied, pausing. "Anyways, I drove off in a hurry, I ran over an old lady or two with a police officer or two and man they weren't cherry. Then I saw Konan and ran her ass over!"
Pain closed the book and faked a smile that might kill him.
"Now, do you want to know the moral of this tale?" Pain asked.
"What is it, Santa?" Lauretta asked.
"It's to always give Santa a beer or you will see a roadkill reindeer with me eating Rein-jerky in my Mustang!" Pain said, jumping out of the window. "See you on Christmas Eve, remember! Santa would like beer instead of cookies and milk!"
"Bye, Santa!" Lauretta said, waving.
Pain went off to the next house. Hopefully the story may not be as scarring as this.
I'm sorry if I went too far. I also didn't feel like looking up for 'The Night Before Christmas'. I tried not to die of laughter as I wrote this... The next chapter will probably make me die of laughter, though... Since I got it all plotted out. Review if your still alive.