"Shigure, if you think you can drill the concepts of sex into Haru's head, you are truly insane," Hatori stated bluntly, fingering his coffee mug. Shigure and Hatori were seated in a booth at a coffee shop where they often went for a morning pick-me-up. "You know he's dense."
"And that's exactly why I'm explaining it to him the way my father did me." "Exactly why I'd rather you didn't do it. Your father was a ding-dong." "Well, his parents aren't going to tell him." "A valid point, but we don't make the greatest substitutes." "You know I'm going to tell him whether you like it or not." Hatori sighed and lifted the mug to his lips. "I was afraid you'd say that..."
Haru sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the door and waiting for his insane cousin to come marching in like the proud pervert he was and discuss whatever it was that needed discussing. Shigure had called earlier and announced - rather loudly - that he had something to talk to him about, and Haru had immediately thought of everything he'd ever done in his twelve-year-old life. If he was lucky, he'd get scolded by his cousin and his old man and they'd leave it at that.
Shigure stormed into the room at that moment, tripping on a misplaced skateboard and nearly falling into the overflowing dirty clothes hamper. "Hey Shigure." The dog picked himself up, grinning stupidly, then sat down on the floor despite its obvious dangers, gesturing for Haru to sit down with him.
"Alright, Haru. I know perfectly well your parents refuse to speak of it with you, so I've decided to take matters into my own hands." Haru paled. This was not what he'd expected. "You're getting around that age where you're really starting to get into girls" - Oh God- "and eventually you're going to start dating, whether you like it or not. So, we're going to start today's lesson with what my father called The Five Stairs of Romance."
Oh holy sweet mother of God please don't do this to me...
"Okay, Stair Number One: hugging. Pretty plain and simple right there."
Holy Father please save me from this lunatic Amen...
"Stair Number Two: kissing. Also pretty simple, but be warned: once the kissing stage has been reached, there's no turning back if you don't want to get slapped in the face from whatever girl you happen to be dating if you dump her."
Someone get me the hell out of here...
"Stair Number Three: snuggling and/or cuddling. This can seem pretty innocent but can jump from Three to Four or even to Five in the blink of an eye."
I will voluntarily be sliced apart and sold at a butcher's!
"Stair Number Four: groping. You know what that is, don't you?"
Haru nodded. His parents had done it multiple times in front of him. Then, without thinking about the consequences, he blurted, "What about Stair Five?"
Shigure's dark gaze reeked of something illegal. "Sex."
OhGodwhatwasithinking?!
"But you gotta promise!" Shigure barked loudly. "Never go to Stair Five unless you know you're gonna be with that girl for the rest of your life! Understood?"
Haru nodded weakly. If he was saying it like that, it must have been something serious.
"Do you even know what sex is?"
Haru hesitated before shaking his head slowly.
"Good. Since I can't really find a way to explain it, I brought tapes."
Oh fuck...
"So," Hatori said slowly the next day, "how did it go?"
"Quite well, actually. He was okay at first, but when I showed him the tapes, he ran into the bathroom and got sick."
Poor kid never stood a chance... "Well, at least he gets the idea. Next time a member of the Zodiac has to have The Talk and their parents won't do it, let me handle it."