"One day, at North High, a boy with brown hair and amber eyes,
Entered his homeroom under a golden sky
He met a girl with blue hair and eyes,
She held a knife and said, 'now die.'"
The lights opened up, revealing a light-green haired girl with golden eyes, wearing a beige trenchcoat.
"Was it cold-blooded murder by a blunette? Was it insanity? Or was it all just an elaborate hoax? You decide, as we launch a multi-faceted investigation onto a death that occurred in a universe based on the scenario of what if Kyon died that fateful day," The girl spoke to the audience, "I'm your host, Emiri Kimidori, and join me for my first Unsolved Mystery..."
Unsolved Mysteries - Haruhi Edition
The Death of Kyon - Hoax or Knife?
"Was the death of Kyon caused by a humanoid interface gone mad?" Emiri asked, "New evidence may suggest that Kyon may not have really died, that there was a conspiracy that covered up the truth. And who is Kyon? You might know, but for the sake of the program, I shall give a brief view of his life at North High."
"Kyon started his life as an inspiring supernatural seeker, but some unknown point, Kyon lost faith in the supernatural and joined North High a deadpan snarker," Emiri noted, "But shortly after, Kyon joined a club with similar intentions."
Suddenly, the camera shifted to a girl with short brown hair, twin ribbons, and a look on her face that implied she kept a skeleton in her closet.
HARUHI SUZUMIYA - SOS BRIGADE CHIEF, POSSIBLE BISEXUAL RAPIST
"Yeah, Kyon joined my club, and he happened to be MY first member," Haruhi spoke, "Geez, I liked him. Why did he have to die?"
"Some time later, Kyon found a note in his locker, directing him to his very homeroom," Emiri continued after the camera returned to her, "Even though the room was completely the same and there were no witnesses, this is what Authorities believe happened..."
DRAMATIZATION
"Hey there, Kyon," A girl wearing a blue wig spoke.
"Hey, Ryoko," A random guy spoke, "What's up?"
"Kyon and the killer, suspected to be Ryoko Asakura, exchanged greetings," Emiri narrated.
"I said, what's up?" The guy spoke.
"DIE!" The girl charged at him, stabbing him with a rubber knife.
"The killer then stabbed Kyon, fleeing the scene with the weapon shortly thereafter," Emiri narrated.
"Blargh, I am murdered-ed," The guy dropped, as the girl ran off.
END DRAMATIZATION
"The killer is unknown, although Ryoko Asakura has denied interviews. The murder weapon was never recovered," Emiri replied, "Up next, we talk with an expert that might lend new insight on the case..."
Commercial Break!