"This book is dedicated to my Sunshine. My muse. My holy grail. My inspiration. I promised you when I made it big and had the courage to make my dreams come true of being an author I would dedicate my first book to you. I get the question a lot from old friends 'What makes her your inspiration? She's your ex girlfriend who broke your heart!' Well here's the thing. You need a certain amount of darkness to see light and boy do I know darkness. I've lived in darkness, breathed darkness, I choked on and was gasping for air because of darkness. I've swam in darkness, and for a while I was darkness. You not only were my light but you were my darkness as well. I was young and careless and you were young and reckless, but together we were invincible. The streets we walked across, the land we spent hours laying on looking at the clouds and breathing in the spring time air: should be Holy Ground. You were home for me. My shelter from any storm. You know how people say 'A house can't get up and walk away on its own.'? Well I find that extremely accurate. This house didn't break on its own, we both broke it. We both made mistakes which I am forever regretful for them. But after the house was broken I was lost. I couldn't tell what was left or right what was up from down or most importantly what was speaking to me: my heart or my head. You were the home I came back to every single day but you were gone and I was homesick because I no longer knew where home was. I believe the saddest people in life have the most creative minds because we see the world for what it truly is. You're the opposite of me. I am a realist and you are a dreamer and we balanced each other out so much that we just… fit. You will always be my biggest inspiration and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I thank you for giving me a love so deep the ocean got jealous. I thank you for waking me up at 3am on a Monday just to say 'I love you so much and If I could lay here forever watching you sleep I would.' I thank you for holding my pinky Freshman and Sophomore year in high school because I wasn't ready to come out yet. I thank you for your endless patience and most of all I thank you for being you because I don't think I could have ever written this book without you. I am everything I am because you loved me. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you always. Xoxo Santana M. Lopez."
Your tears have subsided as you walk through the hallway of your best friends apartment. You softly knock on the door and not even a second later she opens the door and greets you with a sad smile after she sees your red puffy eyes. She looks at you, her face laced with concern. "What's wrong Santana?" Quinn has been there for you through thick and thin and you can't thank her enough. You don't know if you would have been able to survive if it weren't for her. "The book hit number on New York Times: Best Seller." She looks deeply confused, "That's amazing! So why are you crying?" You pull out your book and open to the dedication page handing it to Quinn. She silently reads it and pulls you in for a warm embrace. You've had this dream of being a famous actress and author since you were a child and here you are, a best selling author and an award winning actress but you're not happy nor satisfied. Nothing makes since anymore because you and Brittany still haven't found your way back to each other.
You both promised to keep in touch after you got famous so you meet up once a month so catch up with each other but life has been throwing you around and you haven't been able to see Brittany in over six months and your world feels so out of place. You swore to her that no matter what was going on in both of your lives, after you were done writing your book, you would personally give her a copy except you have only talked to Brittany once out of the six months you haven't seen each other and you think it's because it hurts every time you both walk away from each other going back to your separate lives. It kills you when you talk on the phone and she softly whispers, "I wish he was you.." You tell Quinn you can't stay and you hurry off to your car. You took the day off because today is the day you're going to see her. Thirty minuets later you pull into the driveway of her house and you're trembling. You have never been to her house she shares with him before. You grab your bag and get out the car, and walk to the front door. You inhale deeply because you feel like you're going to vomit everywhere.
You slowly bring your hand up to the door and knock three times. A couple of seconds later she opens the door. You both lock eyes and the world feels like it stops spinning. She's genuinely shocked you're here because you didn't let her know you were coming. She stutters on her words, "San… What are you doing here?" You see that his car is in the driveway and you want to slap yourself for not noticing that before. You look back at her, "Come with me?" She nods and slips on some sneakers and follows you. There's a coffee place down the street so you'd rather walk there to savor the time you have with her. You laugh a little but it's not a real laugh, "You just came with me. I could be leading you to the fiery depths of hell right now."
She shakes her head smiling, "I'd follow you anywhere Santana…You know that." You do know that and it haunts you every single day. You're a coward because you got lazy and didn't want to work on your relationship anymore and life got in the way. You want so badly to ask her to leave him and run off into the sunset with you but you're too afraid. Like always. You finally reach the coffee shop and there's only one person there on their laptop and you're relieved because you didn't want anyone bothering you at this moment. You both sit down and she's starring you up and down almost as if she's analyzing you. She finally speaks up, "You look exhausted."
And right there you almost lose it and start crying but instead you bite your cheek and nod in agreement. She speaks again and it's like you don't want her to ever stop because you could listen to her voice all day. "So what's the surprise you're here?" You place the book on the table, "I made it.." She looks at you in awe, "I am so proud of you!" You smile a real smile for the first time in what feels like forever. "Thank you Britt. That really means a lot to me." She's staring at you with sad eyes and you hate everything about this right now. You lean down to take a sip of your drink when something on her finger catches your eye and you think you might vomit everywhere. You can hear that her breathing is uneven and you look up meeting her eyes, she's crying. "Why are you crying?" She chokes out a sob, "I need to tell you something but I don't know how…" You might fall off your chair and have a heart attack if she says what you think she's going to say, "Say what you need to say."
She takes a deep shaky breath, "Jeremy and I…" You feel the hot tears betray you as they fall down your cheeks, you know what she's going to say and you can't handle it. "He asked and I said yes… We're getting married." There it is. You have to get out of here because it feels like the walls are closing in and you can't breath. You look at the ground then back up to her, "Congratulations. Why are you crying?" She looks at you like you have three heads, "You know damn well why I'm crying Santana." You're lying because she's right. You do know why she's so upset but you want to hear it for your own ears, "No I don't." She looks you in the eyes with the most heartbreaking look that makes you want to die, "Because I'm not walking down the aisle knowing your waiting there waiting to say I do." Maybe you shouldn't have made her say that, then it hits you.
None of the petty shit that kept you apart could ever amount to how much you love each other. She's your soul mate. You're 200% sure God made her especially for you. Why didn't you fight for this relationship? The only reason you both agree to meet up all the time is because you both are waiting to see if you both confess your feelings. You're such an idiot. She was there all along and you didn't open your eyes to see it. She reaches over the table and grabs your hand, "I'm so sorry.." You shake your head no, "No, It's my fault. I'm sorry." You both sit in silence for a while until you speak again, "I uh, I don't know if you still have my number but it's in the book I wrote it in there for you and my address. Uh, I would love you come to the" you can't even say the word, "uh ya know, celebration." She hold your hand tighter, "Don't go. Not yet." You boldly bring her hand to your lips and close your eyes as your lips touch her skin for the first time in a long time.
Nothings changed, she still smells like vanilla and her skin is still so soft. You hear her let out another heartbreaking cry and you reluctantly pull away and whisper as tears continue to stream down your face, "I'm so sorry." You get up and kiss her head and walk out of the coffee shop. You can't breath and you run up the street and jump into your car and speed off. You don't know where your going but you soon find yourself at Quinn's apartment. You don't knock this time you just run in to find a very startled Rachel making a sandwich. She stands up and runs over to you, "Are you okay?!" You're hyperventilating and you feel dizzy, "She's….She's" Rachel tries to make you sit down but you refuse. She runs to the other room, "Quinn!" Quinn sounds startled, "What's wrong Rach?!" You don't know what to do anymore. "Santana's here she's freaking out I can't-" All of a sudden Quinn's running into the living room, "Oh Honey, what's wrong?!" She wraps your arms around you and you crumble into her embrace as Rachel moves your hair out of your face and strokes your hair, "She's engaged." Rachel's movements come to a halt and you Quinn mutters, "Shit." Rachel's the first to speak, "I'm so sorry Santana."
It's been two months. Two months since you died inside. You've spent a lot of time at Quinn's and you'd never admit it in your entire life but you've grown even more fond of Rachel than you've ever been before. You're watching a movie with Quinn when Rachel storms in and shuts off the TV, in unison Quinn says, "Babe!" and you say, "Rachel!" She shakes her head, "Shut up and listen." You stop talking because you've never seen her this riled up before. "Her wedding is in two days Santana! Two! And you're sitting here on my couch with my girlfriend watching Mean Girls for the millionth time!" You shake your head in protest, "We're not talking about this." Rachel puts a hand up, "No let me finish! I am not letting you throw your relationship away like that. No way in hell. So get your ass up get your shit together and-" You cut her off trying not to get angry.
"There is no relationship Rachel! We're done! She's in love with him!" You've never seen Rachel so mad before and apparently Quinn hasn't either because she's sitting there wide-eyed, "Gosh Santana you're so stupid! She's in love with you! It's always been you ever since we were kids! Don't be a coward." She's right and frankly you're tired of fighting your feelings for her. "What do you want me to do Rachel?! She's getting married…" Rachel looks at Quinn then you. "We're going to stop the wedding…." Quinn smiles really big and jumps up from the couch, "YES!" You're conflicted because you want her to be happy and you're not the kind of girl who should be rudely stopping a white veil occasion. "I don't know about this.." Quinn looks at you, "Let's be real Santana, you belong with her and she belongs with you. Sure, there's a lot you two need to work on but your love is so rare that it's worth it." Bullshit. You are the kind of girl who would stop a wedding. You take a second to respond but when you do you say it with a smile, "Let's stop this wedding!"
You're outside the church and you think you might pass out from all the nerves. Rachel smiles at you and whispers, "You got this!" As you three make it inside you're surprised to see the whole glee club here. You all decide to sit together and Puck turns to you, "I always thought it'd be you walking down that aisle with her." You turn to Puck and just shrug your shoulders. Twenty minuets in and you're beyond anxious and zoned out until Quinn taps your leg and leans close to you and whispers, "This is it you ready?" Your palms start to sweat as the preacher says, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." You're shaking. Holy shit this is happening.
Quinn slaps your leg and you swat her hand away. You don't think you can do this when all of a sudden Puck stands up, "I OBJECT!" You almost laugh but you don't. Artie rolls into the aisle, "If I could stand up I totally would but I object too.." The rest of the Glee club stands up simultaneously. Now it's your turn. You look around to see horrified looks and you know for sure that's his side of the family because Susan, Brittany's mom is just smiling at you. You stand up and walk into the aisle next to Artie and clear your throat. "I uh.. You can't marry him Brittany." Brittany takes a deep breath, "Why? Why shouldn't I?!" You start to walk closer to her, "Because I love you. I'm in love with you and I've never stopped loving you. I know we have some things to work on but I'm we can do it. I can't live without you anymore Brittany. Did you read the dedication page?"
She's crying but she nods yes anyway. "Well I meant every single word I said. You're my life, my holy grail, my everything and I know I wont survive without you. I need you and I know you need me too. We're worth it B." Before you know it your hands are on her cheeks and you're pulling her in for a kiss that was long overdue. When you both pull away she whispers against your lips, "I was yours since we were kids San. I'm still yours." Hearing those words you lace your fingers with hers as you both start running out of the church with all your friends cheering behind you. You never believed in fairy tales as a kid but you're sure of it that Brittany is your princess and you're in a fairy tale right now and you'll spend forever making sure your princess is happy.