Swimming Blue

By Diva

Disclaimer: MacGyver and its characters belong to Paramount Pictures and Winkler/Rich Productions. All original characters and this story belongs to me and may not be reposted without permission.

Warnings: Lots of bad language, Susan is really mad. Sexual situations, close to an adult scene, but nothing more than your average R rated movie or a Showtime special.

It's not romantic here in blue/ Swimming, swimming in blue/ You left me lonely and confused-"Give Me A Reason" by The Corrs on In Blue.

I reached for her again last night. I know it's crazy; we only spent the one night together. But I've spent every dreaming moment and most of my waking remembering every detail, every moan, every caress, every inch of that gorgeous body of hers. It's not helping. I came up here to forget about Susan O'Neil and all I can do is think about her.

It's been two weeks. Sam and I chipped in and bought this cabin in British Columbia last year so we could get away from it all. I came up here to get away from O'Neil.

Not that I want to get away from her. I don't and therein lays the problem. I have to.

We could both get killed. I can't keep professional and personal apart. I thought I could. But when that jerk Mike Roy started calling her a slut, I lost it. I could have killed him; I would have killed him for her. And that scares me to death.

I've never been with someone that I was willing to do anything for, especially after only one night. But I love Susan, loved her since the moment she walked into my office and told me to go to hell. The thing is I don't want to love her. I don't even want to be involved with her.

I'm trying to forget her. Then why do I miss her so much?

He's gone and Sam won't tell me where he went. The day he left I seriously thought about losing myself in a bottle of Scotch, my favorite way of dealing with things that I can't handle.

But I didn't.

I don't know why. I could hear his voice asking me if it was worth it. I don't need his voice in my head. He's just like all the others. When I thought he of all was different.

I've been trying to make it through, trying to keep from calling Uncle Pete and asking him for a clue. Trying to keep from shaking Sam down to find out the truth. I know Sam would crack if I try hard enough.

It's his problem. He's the one that left. I didn't do anything. It's not my fault I can't love him back, not yet. He knows that.

It finally got through to me the first time I went on stage. Every night that I've had a set since we met he's been in the audience. He doesn't always tell me he's coming, a lot of times he's slipped away before I come back out, but I know he's there. I'll admit, there were lots of times in the past year that I've flirted shamelessly with him on that stage, under the safety of performing. I flirt with the audience, I always have, but since I met him, well there's been a lot of blown kisses and winks his way and more than one love song I've crooned in his direction. I'll admit that now. And he wasn't out there that night.

I picked a lot of sad songs and at the end of the set, I saw his son sitting in the back of the bar, a worried expression on his young face.

I know he feels like he's in the middle. I don't want him to be. I adore Sam. He reminds me of what my little brother might have been like. He's my friend and he is not to blame for his father's actions.

I nearly lost it then. I left as soon as I could. Ran to the gym.

Sam came upon her just as she was hitting the bag. "And that's for making me cry. No one makes Susan O'Neil cry!"

"Susan?" The young man asked concerned.

Susan looked up into Sam's eyes, so much like his father's and lost it, shoulders racking with sobs. Sam took her by the shoulders and led her off to a quiet corner.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asked gently.

Susan sobbed out. "I don't know what happened. He told me he loved me and then he just walked out."

"Dad?"

"Yes," Susan looked up at that young face and knew she had to tell him the truth. "We've been seeing each other since we got back from Brooklyn."

"And you slept together that night Dad didn't come home right?"

"Yes." Susan sighed; she wasn't even going to bother denying it. "We went to San Francisco on that job. The head of the security force there, the one that ended up being the assassin was an old boyfriend of mine. Someone that I loved but betrayed me. He called me some terrible things and Mac, Mac nearly beat him to death."

"No way."

"I've never seen him so angry. He just lost it. And when I told him that the slime ball wasn't worth losing his soul for, he told me that I was. When we got back here, he avoided me for two days when I finally confronted him, he told me that he'd kill for me and that our partnership was over. I asked him why and that's when he told me he loved me. Before I could even respond, he tore out."

"God, Susan."

"I don't know what to do."

"He's at our cabin in B.C. I'll give you the directions. What you do with them is up to you."

"What do you think I should do?" Susan asked, needing advise of some sort.

"I'd go to him."

I'd been trying to fish, but really what was the point? I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing anyway. I'm mostly thinking about brown curls and startling green eyes and legs that go on for miles.

MacGyver had been doing okay, he hadn't thought about that night today, but so many other moments flooded his mind.

"Do you know how to play Stand by Me?" Susan asked, sitting on the floor of his apartment after he'd played a song for her on the guitar.

"Yeah, I think I do."

Her voice was so beautiful as she sang the words along with the music.

"No, MacGyver, it's one-two-three, one-two-three like this. Honestly sometimes I think you're being slow at this on purpose."

"When do I get to pick you up again?"

"You're impossible."

"Hey, I'm going along with this, so far you haven't brought up skiing again, have you?"

She'd blushed so sweetly that he had wanted to kiss her then, but knew better. Instead he'd behaved and she'd held him just a little closer than she had intended for that dance.

The morning light hitting her just right as she lay there in that bed in the hotel, the soft curve of her breast just in view.

Murmuring as she slept in his arms.

Damn!

"Damn what?" He looked up startled at the sound of someone else's voice. He looked up and blinked. For a moment, a vision stood in front of him. Susan, her hair down just like he liked, wearing a green sleeveless top and skirt, one that he remembered having told her he liked.

"Susan?"

Before she could even answer, he had her in his arms. He could see the fear and confusion in her eyes and all he could do was whisper, "I'm so sorry, Angel, I'm so sorry."

"Why? Why did you walk out on me like that?" She pushed him away, her anger overwhelming her confusion.

"I made a mistake, Susan. You don't know how much I've missed you . . .."

"You didn't call. You didn't come back. Do you know how much you hurt me?"

"I did?"

"Yes, you idiot! You made me cry, damn you Angus MacGyver. I'm not even sure why I even came. Maybe just to tell you that you made me cry. Noone makes me cry."

"Not even that jerk Roy?"

Susan quivered just a moment, then looked him straight in the eyes and said softly, "Not even him."

She does love me.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't mean to hurt me? What did you think was going to happen? You treated me like someone you didn't even remember having a one night stand with. Then you tell me you love me and run away like you were confessing to some sin. How did you think I was going to take it?"

"Aw man, Susan it's hard to explain . . .."

"I've got all the time in the world." Susan stood with her hands on her hips, "I seem to be unemployed at the moment anyway."

"Let's go inside."

"Fine, but I'm not leaving until I get a straight answer out of you."

He shuffled his feet once they were inside the cabin. He wasn't sure what exactly to say.

"Do you want, um, anything?"

"Just answers, MacGyver. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?"

"I don't know, I just don't know."

"Okay then," Susan sighed deeply, sitting on what passed for the cabin's couch. "Why don't we start at the beginning? Why are you ashamed of what happened in San Francisco?"

Mac sat next to her. "I lost control. And I shouldn't have. No matter what he said about you, we had agreed to be professional. That was not professional."

Susan shook her head. "No, it wasn't. But he said some terrible things about me. You were defending my honor. I told you before, it's what you do."

"It wasn't so much what he said, O'Neil."

Susan looked stunned. "It wasn't?"

"He was deliberately goading me. He may have even known you were nearby. But as horrible as his words were, do you know what really set me off?"

Susan shook her head, but she had a terrible feeling she knew.

"You loved him. That bastard who didn't give a damn about you. And you don't love me."

"Mac, I thought we've been through this . . .."

He put a finger gently on her lips. "Ssh, I know, sweetheart, I know. But to see that man who took so much from you, who nearly took your life, who took your capacity to love, just stand there and not care that he hurt you so much, was more than I could take."

"MacGyver, it's okay, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Susan said, holding his hand. "You told me you loved me. I understand why you did what you did. It's no reason to throw anyway everything that we have."

He shook her hand away and stood up. "You don't get it do you O'Neil?"

She stood up and faced him. "No, I don't. I don't understand and you're not telling me. What is it that I don't get?"

"I would have killed him. I would have killed him for you. I'd do anything for you and I don't want to feel that way. I'm scared of what I turned into that night. I'm scared of the way you make me feel."

"What? But you were the one who wanted to move forward with the relationship! I told you I was scared. I told you I had scars that you couldn't see. I told you I wasn't ready for this. But you told me it would be okay! I believed you. I thought you were different. But now I see that you got what you wanted from me, just like all of the rest of them."

Susan stood breathing heavily in the middle of the floor. She wanted for all the world to slap him, turn on her heel, slam the door and drive away. But all of her strength failed her and in the end, she slid to her knees on the floor.

"No," he whispered, his voice failing him as he joined her on the floor. "That's not what I meant. Not at all. I thought I was ready for this. I love you, I've loved you since the day we met."

Susan shook her head. "No, you can't. You wouldn't treat me like this if you did."

"I know. I'm not good at this. Oh god, Angel, everything is coming out wrong. That's why I came up here. I was trying to get over you. But I can't. All I've done every single minute of the last two weeks is think about you. I wanted to be with you. It's just the intensity of it that scares me. I've never felt this way before about anyone."

"And you're afraid that you're going to lose control again because of me?"

"Yeah."

"Can I say something?"

"Go right ahead."

"You're the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met in my life."

Mac winced. "That wasn't subtle."

"Just let me finish you egotistical jerk."

"Okkay." Mac slid a little away, O'Neil was angry and an angry O'Neil was not someone you wanted to be within hitting range of.

"Did you ever think about how I'd feel? Did you think that maybe I'd be hurt? Or about the bigger picture as to what my life is going to be like if our partnership ends?"

"I told you I'd talk to Pete."

"I don't want a damn research job!" Susan stood up and began pacing the room. "I want to work with you. You're such an idiot. Did you honestly think what we have together as a team would end because of our relationship?"

"It could."

"Please. We have a great partnership, complete and utter trust. Never having to worry if your back isn't covered. I'm always going to cover your back. I wouldn't let anything come between me and my role in our team. Nothing. Not an old love, not an old enemy, not an assassin, not even your stupid fears. I have honor. You say you love me. Then prove it. Don't dissolve the partnership. Don't take away what I live for."

"I didn't know it meant that much to you."

"It means everything to me."

"How much is that devotion strictly to your job?"

"You know I honor my professional commitments."

"That's not what I asked."

"That's right, it's not."

Susan grabbed her purse from the couch and headed toward the door.

"What are you doing?" He asked confused.

"You're so smart, MacGyver, why don't you figure it out."

She closed the door behind her.

Now what did I say?

He ran after her, catching up with her halfway down the path. She was still walking.

"Susan? Come on, what are you doing?"

"Maybe you should see how it feels to be the one left behind."

He grabbed her arm a little roughly and hissed. "I answered your question."

"When?"

"When you asked me why, I told you. I deserve the answer to mine."

"Fine," Susan tried to shake her arm free, but his grip remained firm. "Want to know the truth you jackass? I am devoted to you, professionally and personally because I love you. Now let go of me because I never want to see you again."

He didn't let her go. He pulled her to him and kissed her, the same way he'd kissed her in the office, roughly, possessively, and totally out of character for him. But then again, Susan wasn't like any other woman he'd ever been with. She struggled against him, finally pushing him off.

"What the hell . . ."

Before she could get the rest of her words out, his lips were covering hers again. With a sigh of resignation, she returned his kiss, just as possessive, just as rough, her hands locking around his neck. His hands tangled in her hair, pulling her closer to him. When they finally broke for a necessary breath, Susan whispered fiercely, "You belong to me. Never ever pull this shit again."

"Never." He promised, pulling her into him again. "But you're going to have to deal with the fact that I'm going to be a possessive jerk because you belong to me too."

"Deal, now let's go inside before we give the fish something to talk about."

Kissing fiercely before they even got inside the door, Mac barely managed to shut it behind them when Susan backed him up against the wall.

"Susan, god, bed." He groaned against yet another assault on his senses by Susan. "Can't stand much more of this."

"Where is it?"

He tilted his head in the direction of the right door and Susan let him go just long enough for him to pull off her top in one fluid motion. The bra, her skirt, and most of his clothes quickly followed.

"Oh hell," he groaned and picked her up. "Just reach for the door knob and watch your head."

"You're soo romantic," she laughed as she did as she was told.

"O'Neil, no more talking." He dumped her on the bed and joined her.

She looked like she was going to make a comment, but instead her words became a soft moan as he took one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking hard.

She arched her back at this causing him to take more of her breast into his mouth. He dragged his mouth over to the other breast until both were swollen and she gasped out his name.

She pulled his mouth up to hers and kissed him long and hard, wrapping her body around him, trying to get closer to him.

"Belong to me," she murmured, lowering her head and trailing her lips down his neck and chest, working her way down to the waistband on his pants.

She began to undo the button and he took her hint and took off the remainder of his clothes.

"Much better," she said when he rejoined her on the bed.

He didn't say anything just started working on the spot on her neck that always drove her wild. She could feel his erection against her thigh and she moved them both so he was just above her. They were so worked up, desire, loneliness, raw emotion, fueling their passion into overdrive.

He saw what she was doing and ground into her as she gasped with pleasure.

She looked up at him and whispered, "Tonight I belong to you, so go ahead and take me."

"I love you," he whispered as he moved into her, her hand guiding him in.

"I love you too." She whispered as he thrust into her hard.

They rocked together in a fierce rhythm marked only by moans and whispers. Then Susan gasped and shuddered into her release. Mac was only a second behind her, one strong thrust and he exploded into her.

They laid together not moving for a long time when finally Mac asked, "Just tonight?"

Susan looked confused for a second then she smiled and said, "Tonight all that I am belongs to you. Tomorrow, you only get my heart, my body, and most of my soul. I reserve a little bit for myself."

"You know, I won't tell anyone, but I think you may just be a romantic, Susan O'Neil."

"Don't tell anyone, or I really will be forced to kill you. You're already pretty close on my hit list for that stunt you pulled."

"I still am scared, O'Neil."

"So am I, baby, but if you're not scared, then you're not living as my grandfather says."

"Your grandfather is a very wise man."

"Yeah, he is. Know what else he told me? He told me I should lead with my heart not my head. Which is why I'm here, because I followed my heart instead of my head which told me that it was your loss and just to write it off."

"How did you find me anyway?"

"Sam."

"I owe him a motorcycle."

"That you do."

"Angel?"

"You know I'm no angel, sweetheart."

"Okay, my little fallen angel, come back over here. I'm not done with you yet."

"Really?" O'Neil smiled wickedly and rolled back over to him. "I thought I almost killed you last time."

"The trick is to take it very, very slow until you beg."

"Oh yeah? I'll show you who begs whom."

Though it started as a challenge, in the end neither of them had to beg. Instead, they made slow, tender love, a beginning of something new for both of them.

The End

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