The Legend of Zelda
Clear and Present Danger

Castleton, Hyrule
April, 27th, 2011 A. H. (In Anno Hero—In the Year of our Hero)
Royal Hylian Police Precinct 129

The catcalls and whistles were his only warning of the elegant lady approaching with the absurd, almost medieval looking, charcoal cloak. What drew Police Sergeant Stewie Talon's attention, however, was the tight, form fitting white and purple gown she was concealing—or not concealing—beneath. Soaked blond locks cascaded out from beneath the gray cloak's cowl down to the swelling of her chest. Well chiseled and youthful features protruded from underneath the dripping cowl. Talon decided that he should remind himself he was married. But after looking at the rain soaked white dress, he promptly forgot what he was reminding himself about. Talon tried his best to look casual, but unfortunately, as she neared the front desk of the Police Precinct where he daily toiled, this caused his considerable gut to protrude, popping one of the few surviving buttons on his police uniform. Blushing, he turned so that his back was mostly showing. His partner, Officer Emilio Ingo twirled his mustache as his eyes scanned the babe in a disgracefully obvious matter.

"Oooooh…" Ingo began in that uncomfortably nasally tone. "What do we have here? Hehehe."

Talon cleared his throat and began in his gruff, urban "Lower Island" accent: "Back off pal, I saw her first."

"But Sarge, you're married." Ingo said in a tone that bordered on perverse.

"Huh? Oh yeah…" Ingo's moment of triumph was interrupted when Talon barked back: "Ingo, start putting the court dates for the next five years on the calendar. I want to see what we've got."

Ingo's eyes bulged in protest. "But…"

Talon's chest swelled as he drew up to his full stature (though, unfortunately accentuating his considerable bulk at the same time). "I'm pullin' rank. Beat it! Scram!"

Ingo turned his nose skyward. "Hmph! Si, Sarge!" It was more sarcasm than would ever be appropriate for a subordinate, but Talon was too busy watching the pair of legs approaching him.

The last catcalls from inmates (and police) terminated as she stopped no more than three feet in front of him at his desk. She unveiled her cowl and shook rainwater out of long, flowing hair the color of wheat. The fact that water splashed into Talon's face would help conceal the amount of sweat pouring from his brow. He tried his deepest, smoothest voice possible: "How may I help you…ma'am? What seems to be the…" He gave a knowing look toward her chest. "…problem?"

The lady regarded him with some caution. "Pray tell Constable, have you espied the young knave going by the nomme de guerre Link?"

The problem in Talon's pants now transitioned to become a problem in Talon's brain. She sounded like one of those babes in those hoidy-toidy high-brow theater plays his wife liked to watch. "Eh?"

The lady sighed slightly, while still keeping a strangely regal posture. "Oh yes, I forgot, culture and sophistication regressed in the future. Forgive me." Talon wasn't sure if she was addressing him or herself. She continued. "I am looking for a young man by the name of Link. He is a ward of your penitentiary I believe." Talon thought to say some petty double entendre about how he'd like to be a ward of her penitentiary, but he abandoned idea since he didn't know what the words meant. Returning from his sultry mental vacation, Talon began paying attention again: "Have you seen him? He is a stranger to these parts I am afraid."

"Who?" Talon asked.

"Link. You'll know him by his raiment of green, with millinery and tunic of like color. His hair be of the same shade as the sun, and his height that of five of your feet, and a tithe of inches. He is a man unlettered, but possesses great acuity of mind and wit."

Link. The name sounded familiar to Talon. "Hey Ingo? You know anything about a 'Link?'"

Ingo looked up from his cramped desk. "I'm a sorry Sarge, but I'm a busy with the calendar, remember?"

"Look Ingo, I need you here!"

In an instant Ingo rushed to the front desk. "But of course Sarge. Now ma'am, all I need is your name, phone number, hobbies, bra size, address, and if you believe that a man and a woman can be intimate on a first date." Ingo's tongue practically rolled out of his mouth as he none too subtly gawked at her.

The lady nodded. "I will answer the first interrogatory, for the rest I know not of what you speak. My name is Zelda Harkinian."

That name sounded familiar to Talon, like one of those names Talon should have remembered in his high school history class had he not been drawing breasts all day. Oh well.

Ingo grinned in a manner that made Talon wonder if the Amber Alert should make an exception for him. "Thanks a sweetheart! Hmmm,…Link….Sarge, isn't it that the guy we brought in for the 40-67?"

Zelda crocked an eyebrow. "Two score seven and sixty?"

"Yeah, indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, and public mutilation of house pets." Talon shrugged while not taking his eyes off the nearly see-through dress.

"Mutilating house pets?" Zelda looked confused and partially disgusted. Talon wasn't sure if the disgust was derived from his clearly unbuckled belt. He tried to buckle it as stealthily as possible—which is to say not at all.

"Yeah, sonofabitch started killing Dodongos in Central Park. He would apparently run up to people, yell 'I'll save you' and cut off the heads of their house pets. He'd also scavenge their hearts. Real sicko. Don't know why he'd go after something as harmless as a Dodongo. Next thing you know he'll be killing Octorocks." Talon still managed a sheepish grin as Zelda looked increasingly confused. She muttered something about wild beasts being domesticated or some such thing. Talon personally found her more interesting when she didn't talk and simply bounced her chest up and down in a rhythmic fashion. Drool creased the corner of mouth.

Zelda inhaled deeply. "Please, officers, release him from custody. He's a stranger from a different time and knows not of your laws or customs. I will see to it that he shall vex you no further."

Talon snorted derisively. "Different time? What is this, like comic book stuff? Hey Ingo! Get a loud'a this! Looks like Greenie in Cell 148 is a real Doctor Whom. One o'them time travelers." Ingo laughed uproariously. "Are you kiddin' me lady? You think I was born yesterday?"

Zelda sighed in exasperation. "You're right, forgive my overestimation of your collective perceptions involving matters chronological. Very well then, he's a tourist, from…Termina."

Talon's eyes bulged in shock. "A Terminian! No wonder he's locked up…he's a goddessdamned terrorist! Sorry missy, I don't know what game you and your kooky friend got goin' on here, but there ain't no way I'm lettin' a terrorist outta prison. No sir!"

Ingo snorted. "It's a shameful! Those Terminians come here and want us to bow down to what they want. Want us to change our lives to suit them. They don't learn how to drive, don't learn the laws, don't even learn how to talk our language auto punture centrato bastardi. All they want to do is fly planes into buildings and destroy our way of life. They hate who we are and everything great with this country…hey Talon! There are boobs on Channel 74."

Talon grinned. "Alright, be there in a minute. Look ma'am, I'm sorry. But there's no way I can let your friend out even if he could make bail. You'd have to take it up with the judge."

Zelda's countenance grew grim. "And what magistrate will hear his petition?"

"Uh…let's see…" Talon flipped through the calendar Ingo was so not diligently filling out. "Judge Howie 'Ganondorf' Dragmire VII. He's a good judge. I'm sure your friend Link or whoever will get a good, fair hearing."

"Tell me please, had he a blue ocarina on his person when you detained him?" Concern sprouted on Zelda's face.

"Uh, no. But he did have a blue flutey thing. Officer Tingle wanted to have some fun with it, and said he was going to go home and play it. Funny thing though—he never came in the next day. Huh…Hey Ingo! Find out what happened to Tingle?"

"Si Sarge- after boobs!" Ingo said dreamily.

"Sergeant!" Zelda began with increasing urgency. Talon liked urgency. "I don't have much, but I will give as much currency as is required for Link to post his bail. Here…"

She plopped down perhaps a dozen gems of various size and color on the police counter. Talon raised an eyebrow. "Look lady, when were you born, one thousand years ago or somethin'? I can't take that!"

"Why, pray tell, not?"

"Ain't money. Can't take it." Talon crossed his arms while trying to retract his gut as best he could. He also wiped the powdered donut sugar off his bushy mustache.

"What passes for currency at this time then?" Zelda asked.

"Oh the best thing ever. It's a little plastic thing you swipe in another plastic thing that tells you how much your life is worth."

"Plastic?" Zelda asked, thoroughly confused.

"Yup. All nature grade-A Hyrulean plastic. It's what separates us from those Gerudo commie-bastards who are stealing our jobs."

Zelda looked thoroughly discouraged. Talon shrugged. "Look lady, just go to the bank or somethin' and come back tomorrow and you can post bail. Better hurry though, Greenie's cell mate, Beefy, recently had his old cell mate moved. He's been 'lonely.'"

An ear piercing shriek rebounded down the corridor with the holding cells. Zelda's eyes exploded in shock. "Link!" She started moving down the prison corridor as Talon ran after her.

"Look lady, I'm sorry, I can't let you back—" That was all he got to say as pressure points on his neck and shoulders and gut were hit in a flurry of motion and groans. Zelda, no longer impeded, proceeded once more down the hall.

His back on the floor, Talon cried out. "Oh baby! Do that again!"

Ingo snickered. "Boobs…"

When Zelda arrived, a massive form of bulk, muscle, and sweat in an orange jumpsuit was towering over the much smaller man in green. Despite the size difference, the smaller man was successfully warding off efforts of the larger man to seize his waist. The two grappled with one another.

Beefy's gruff bass reverberated across the hall. He chuckled low and menacingly. "Come here sweetie!"

For his part, Link looked more than a little distressed. "Look, I've heard what people have said about Dark Link and I, but despite what you've heard, I'm just not into that!"

"Hehehe, that's what they all say before they've had a bit of ol'Beefy. I'll make you squeal like a…like a…" Beefy stammered as the two brain cells he had halted from overwork.

"A piggy?" Link offered.

The larger man scowled at his imminent conquest. "Think you're pretty smart, don'tcha boy?"

Link grinned. "Well I don't like to brag, but—GLUG!" Link desperately tried to fend off the larger man's new offensive for his throat.

Zelda realized that she had had enough. A surgical kick to the door hinges, a product of the Sheikah martial arts training, flew the door off the hinges. Beefy was pretty heedless as the much smaller woman surgically hit his kidneys, forcing him to drop his captive. He doubled over in pain, his head nearly to the floor. Zelda raised her knee, careening her knee bone into the cartilage that made up the man's nose. The crack of bone and sloshing sound as cartilage detached from muscle and skull was somewhat…icky sounding.

Link positively beamed. "Good, my plan worked!" Zelda, not looking too impressed as Link's assessment, stood—arms folder and foot tapping.

"Uh…sorry. T'was trying to use the Ocarina to get a volcanic diamond from 1,000 years ago. Unfortunately, I played that last note as an F-sharp. Who knew that would send me 1,000 years into the future?" He sighed deeply. "Anyway…Happy Anniversary Zel." And so Link, gambling on the shameless materialism of his mate, brandished a diamond broach and attached it to her neck. It was soon apparent his gamble worked. Zelda melted.

"Oh Link! Tis gorgeous!" Zelda's voice developed a tinge of suspicion. "Pray tell, where didst you hide it when they incarcerated you."

Link laughed nervously in return. "Uh, Zel…why don't we go home? There are things here that I never want to remember."

Zelda nodded decisively. "Very well. Tis a repulsive and uncivilized place. I don't know why anybody would desire to live here."

"Hey Sarge!" Ingo yelled from back in the office. "Boobs on channel 189!" A muffled groan was his only response.

Hand in hand, the Princess and Hero once more sailed the currents of time to the only when they ever wanted to be.

And so Zelda, and her slightly emasculated hero, returned to their own time, ending the absurdity of Legend of Zelda characters existing in a modern setting. However, something happened that no fanfiction author, including this one, could anticipate. In their zeal to travel forward in time, they forgot to account for the numerous diseases that have developed and evolved after nearly a thousand years of isolation. And so Zelda, in addition to bringing her hero home, also brought an addition souvenir: diseases with no known immunity. But don't worry, our protagonists survived thanks to the power of the Triforce and all that. The rest of the kingdom? Eh, not so lucky. That minor and urbane point aside, they lived happily—and very very peacefully—ever after.

The End

Author's Note: This is my satire on fanfictions arbitrarily set in the present day. I thought it would be more amusing to imagine the original characters placed into the present and see what happened. This is probably the most fun I've had writing a story. However, don't forget to read His Fist and Da Capo Al Fine as part of my shameless plug campaign. Read, review, and above all, enjoy!