Happy Author Notation Time: Greetings and welcome to my first original story. I would like to explain some of the silliness you are about to encounter. First thing you need to know is that this short story originated as a class project from my high school days and I took such pride in it that I wanted to share it with all of you! Yay! This is actually a sequel to a short collaboration of comics and stories writen between friends of old and myself so I feel there is a need to clairfy which characters I do not claim rights to. Willy Wonka, Oompa Loompas, the M&M's characters, and the Furby do not belong to me in any way, shape, or form I merely used them in personification or parodized versions during these crazy adventures in my youth. There are many inside jokes weaved into the storyline that may seem like utter nonsense but to me and my friends who wrote these things on a daily basis it was the best thing ever. Please enjoy your journey!
Nemo
Deep inside this messed up universe of ours lived a young Tardif named Nemo. Nemo does ordinary things like go to school and hanging with friends at the Astromall. He also has a boring family who embarrasses him in public. His family consists of: a father, Wixtor, a mother, Proatle, and an older sister, Rio. His friends consist of: Tarah Down, and Bedrick Fourth: all whom he met at school. Nemo shares two of his three classes with his friends, they also share the same lunch.
One normal Thursday morning, Nemo met up with his friends before first period at school. Bedrick up dated them on the latest discoveries he had made over the Internet. "Did you guys hear about the many ways to stew a furby?" Hearing that they haven't he continued. "Well first you get this pan and this furby and you stand underneath a ceiling fan. Then you feed the furby lettuce until it's full and plump. Then you pet it until it begins to fall asleep. And as its right about to drift into a dream you toss it into the ceiling fan along with your choice of spices (to add flavor). Catch the remains in the pot and cook until it looks gummy."
As Bedrick came to the end of the hilarious yet revolting conversation, their second period teacher Mr. Furby announced his presence with a hoarse laugh. "That was the funniest joke I've heard in weeks." With that off his mind he began to wonder what day it was and walked away. "He doesn't even understand an insult behind his back." Tarah laughed. Mr. Furby is one of the most brain dead adult Tardif known to history. As they headed to their lockers Mr. Furby passed by asking anonymous students if they had a spare spatula.
"Can I copy you're math homework?" Bedrick asked Tarah as Nemo unlocked his locker. Like most Tardif lockers, the inside is actually a miniature zero gravity boxes, making all of its contents floatable and in an easy reach. Before Tarah could answer a miniature wormhole opened inside Nemo's locker and sucked them through space and time. The wormhole then closed the locker door behind them and disappeared without a trace. On the other side of the universe deep within the imagination of the author a wormhole appeared and spat out Nemo, Bedrick, and Tarah.
The trio of young Tardifs found themselves on a riverbank covered with long unnaturally bright green grass. "Where are we?" Tarah asked as she brushed bright green pollen off her shirt. "I haven't the faintest clue." replied Nemo looking around for Bedrick. "Where's Bedrick?" "Up here! Get me down!" called Bedrick's voice from a nearby tree. "How'd you get up there?" Tarah asked seeing Bedrick dangling from a high branch. "As we fell into this place I saw this branch and grabbed a hold."
Bedrick made a snatch at a close branch that gave way as he touched it. He slowly slid down the base of his branch and stuffed his foot into the fork. Then he slid down that branch and stepped into the next fork. Then he slid down that branch, lost his balance, and fell into the river. With a sputter he emerged from the shallow water and wadded onto the bank where Nemo and Tarah where standing.
"You alright?" Tarah asked when Bedrick collapsed in the grass. Bedrick nodded and starred at the grass breathing deeply. "Hey, look. A boat!" Nemo cried and pointed down the river.
Sure enough a liquorice boat drifted into view. It seemed ordinary but as it neared a crew of M&M's could be seen taking inaudible orders from three strange beings. The first one that came in Nemo's sight seemed to be covered in goopy grape jelly from head to toe. This jelly person caught sight of the three Tardifs and called for the others in command. Two more beings looked over the bow. The one closest to the jelly person was covered with slowly melting yellow butter, and the one next to him was covered in gold sticky peanut butter.
These people smiled and waved at the Tardifs, speckling the side of the boat with butter, jelly, and peanut butter. Nemo and Tarah stared while Bedrick waved back like a frantic hyper moron at a theme park. The people on the boat waved back even more franticly like people who had snorted pixie sticks after drinking twenty sodas. Sensing a challenge Bedrick waved both arms in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs, while doing the electric slide in place.
The people on the boat collapsed out of sight, laughing loud enough for the three Tardifs to hear clearly from the riverbank. As the boat came closer the strange beings called "Come on over!" Before the echoes of their laughter were lost a ladder was thrown out to the Tardifs. Tarah caught it and began to climb up to the boat, closely followed by Bedrick and Nemo. As they stepped aboard the boat the ladder began to groan and complain. "Loose some weight." "I'm slipping!" "Hold on I got a wedgie!" Nemo now saw that the ladder was actually the M&Ms crew holding each other's feet. A red M&M was hanging on with only one hand itching his bum with the other.
Terrified screams came from the half dozen M&Ms that dangled above the water below the red one with the wedgie. The bottom half of the M&M's ladder plummeted into the river screaming and cursing in their tiny voices. The remaining half scampered aboard the boat looking seasick. "Crap, there goes a weeks worth of our food supplies." Complain the peanut butter person looking over the side of the boat. "That just means that the rest will have more work to do." Said the jelly person giving the Tardifs a wave.
The remainders of the M&M's ladder looked at the captains, then at each other, then jumped overboard doing cannon balls and swan dives. "Did butter man miss all of the fun?" Said a slowly melting yellow person. "Hello. I'm Nemo. This is Bedrick, and Tarah. We're Tardifs." "I'm Jelly man, this is Peanut butter man, and that melting butter stick is …" "Butter man!" It introduced himself. "So, where're you going?" Bedrick asked sitting on the candy deck as if it were story time. Peanut butter man explained. "We're going to the chocolate factory before Butter man melts." "Why, it's a chocolate factory? He's butter." "For the air conditioning." "Ah. Okay, that makes since. Now, what's that?" "What's what?" Asked Jelly man. "That sound." "Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun…" A deep voice echoed through out the sky.
Everyone froze in terror as a gigantic bolder wearing a shirt and pants rolled out of a forest and into the river in front of the liquorice boat. As it came to a stop a tiny head popped out from between two massive shoulders, a pair of tinny feathered wings sprouted on its back. "Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun…" The producer of the deep voice gave a belch and as if in response thousands of Ompaloompas came running out of the forests that surrounded the river.
Each Ompaloompa carried a candy cane, which they now held up to their mouths and sang: "Ompa, loompa, doom-pa-de-do, we are so hungry we could eat poo." "Well, this isn't good." muttered Peanut butter man. "Who's that?" Tarah asked. "That's The Rnevel. He wanted to eat us ever since we were created." "And those things are..?" "There Ompaloompas. They also wanted to eat us." "So, they've teamed together to eat you guys?" "Looks like it." So, we just sit here and get eaten?"
Before Peanut Butter man could answer, Nemo interrupted. "How far away is the factory?" "Just over there, see." "Hello there Rnevel!" Nemo shouted at the gigantic bolder with wings, "I'm Nemo, and I don't believe that we've been properly introduced." "Well now that we have, so come here and let me eat you." "No, that's not the way we introduce ourselves on my planet." "Then how do you?" "Well we close our eyes and count to twenty and then say our names." Being extremely thick headed Rnevel agreed and began to count. "One, two, three, five, no four, then five…" "Okay," Nemo whispered, "Now we run towards the chocolate factory." and demonstrated.
They all jumped over board onto the riverbank in front of the factory. Jelly man and Peanut butter man carried the still melting Butter man, and the Tardifs ran ahead. The factory loomed ahead with its doors open to greet them. As they neared the entrance, an unhappy voice boomed, "My food's escaping." "Durrh." muttered Butter man as his lips drooped down to his chin. Bedrick stole a glance behind him, he saw Jelly man and Peanut butter man jogging while holding a dripping Butter man.
Behind them the Ompaloompas stampeded after them. High above the Ompaloompas, flying into a deadly dive, Rnevel aimed to squash them before they reached the factory. From the inside of the factory's open doors a tall, thin man wearing a purple suit, with red hair stepped out holding a big hose in his hands. He then aimed the hose at Rnevel and sprayed him with chocolate fudge. Rnevel fell to the ground and started licking the chocolate off his hands. The impact of him landing threw the fleeing people inside the chocolate factory and shut the doors behind them. Outside the Ompaloompas began to attack Rnevel.
Inside the factory, Butter man relaxed in the air conditioning, while the tall thin man introduced himself to the Tardifs. "I am Mr. Wanka. Some people call me Willy. Others call me Wanka. There are some that call me Willie Wanka. Willy isn't even my first name, it's William, my middle name's Wacky, while my last name's.." "Wanka, yes I know okay. We've all heard of you, so, thanks for letting us in but please shut up!" cried Butter man who now was a solid butter stick. Wanka gave Butter man an evil look but stayed quiet.
"Um, Mr. Wanka, could you help us?" Tarah asked, "You see, we came here in a wormhole thingy and we'd like to get back." "Where'd ya come from?" "Our school on Diftar." "Me too!" Wanka shouted in joy. "I got myself over here in one of my experiments and I found a way out but I couldn't leave." Wanka ran over to a mirror and pressed the glass. The golden frame flashed blue and gave a low pitch squeak. Instantly the surface rippled and formed a wormhole. "I built this mirror/wormhole station when I was younger," Wanka explained to the young Tardifs ", Only to find out that you can't leave with out another Tardif with you."
"What about them?" Tarah pointed at Jelly, Butter, and Peanut butter man. "Oh, the author has plans in store for them." With that, the four Tardifs entered the wormhole. On the other side Mr. Wanka, Tarah, Nemo, and Bedrick found themselves in front of Nemo's closed locker. They however couldn't remember anything except that hunger is a powerful enemy. Knowing nothing else they walked around asking anonymous people for a spare spatula.
The End
As you may have guessed: Yes, there is a running joke with my short stories about spatulas. Thank you for reading! I love to hear feedback so please write up a review or send me your questions.