Title: Who Do You See?

Author: JadeHeart

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Spoilers/Timeline: First season

Summary: Yuri questions just who he is after a startling revelation.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Kyou Kara Maou', nor am I making any profits from it.

-oOo-

"Do you want to kill Julia?!"

Yuri came awake with a jolt, sitting bolt upright, breathing hard, the sound loud in the darkness.

Looking around him he could make out the narrow bedroom he resided in and he immediately relaxed a little. It was his familiar room in Japan, a room he knew well and was completely comfortable in, nothing like his room in the castle back in the Demon Kingdom with its extravagant four poster bed and drapes.

He swung his legs over the side and sat there for a moment, waiting for his heart to stop racing and his mind to settle.

He'd tried to forget about those words. When they had first been uttered there had been so many other things happening that he had had no real time to put it all together and truly understand the significance of them. Time however had since allowed him to do so and from then they had haunted him constantly.

He rubbed a hand over his face wearily, feeling the dampness on his brow. Ever since his return to Earth it had been like this. Each night filled with the same nightmare, the same doubts and fears eating away at him, unable to stop them.

He stood and moved to the narrow window, pulling the curtain aside to look outside. He didn't bother to gaze at the rooftops of the neighbouring houses or the few lights that flickered at different places in the landscape stretching out before him. Instead his eyes were focused upwards, gazing at the twinkling stars above, his heart heavy.

He should be glad now. The war was over, the threat of the Forbidden Boxes gone, bound once more within the Demon Kingdom, and all his dearest ones had survived. Including Conrad; his godfather, mentor and friend for all his life, whom he had thought he had lost forever, firstly to death and then to betrayal. For all that, he should be glad.

Looking back at it, it had been a terrible time; being sucked back into the Demon Kingdom so unexpectedly only to be faced with an immediate attack by unknown forces. It had been a complete shock. Generally his arrival in that world had been somewhat more controlled and this was the first time that he had found himself not in a familiar place or surrounded by friends. It had been even more unnerving to find that he was in mortal peril as were his friends. It had been more than a little surreal when the attacks had immediately begun. He had first thought that it was all just a joke, surely it couldn't be real? But he had been forced to face the reality quickly enough, with first Gunter falling, then Conrad.

He had thought he would go mad with the uncertainty of what had happened to Conrad at the church after he had been thrown back to Earth. He remembered the blood, the horror at seeing the severed limb tumbling to the ground, the flames crawling through the church consuming everything in its path, his throat raw with his screams, yelling for Conrad to flee with him, to get away.

He remembered how Conrad had smiled at him and promised that he would always be there to protect him and despite the circumstances he had believed him. It had always been impossible for him to not believe anything that Conrad said to him. He had truly believed him with all his heart.

So when he had returned once more to the Demon Kingdom he had wanted to believe Conrad was alive and well, even when everything and everyone had said otherwise. But the evidence that had been stacked against his blind belief and as time had gone on and Conrad had not returned to him, he had begun to think he would have to accept that he had lost his friend, and he had been filled with grief.

Only due to so much else happening at the same time prevented him from losing his mind. The sheer momentum of the events that followed, the urgency and dire peril they all faced being something he could focus on, and necessity had kept him going. So although his heart had been heavy, weighing his soul down like a lead weight, he had set aside his grief and gone on.

Then the unthinkable had happened. He had found Conrad once more, in the unlikeliest of places; there at the arena of the Ultimate Tournament.

He could recall his feeling of disbelief as he had watched the figure approach him, his own mind chiding him for believing the impossible, for imagining what he most desired to find. It wasn't till Conrad had stood directly before him, had smiled and spoken in that soft voice that he had truly believed it was the reality.

He had thought his heart would burst with joy at that moment, until what his friends were yelling to him had penetrated into his mind and he had finally taken in all the other changes in Conrad; the uniform showing the side he was fighting on, the presence of both arms, the way he had made no other move to express his happiness in seeing Yuri. All that shouted at him more loudly than anything else the fact that Conrad was no longer his vassal at all. And that meant he would no longer be by his side.

And that had been a truly hurtful blow. It had felt like Conrad had died all over again. It would almost have been easier if he had than be forced to face this person who wore the same face, whose voice sounded the same, whose smile still touched his heart. It hurt more to have all that on this stranger before him.

Yet his heart still didn't want to believe despite the evidence before him and he had cried silent tears, the cold stealing them away before they could truly fall as he struck again and again at this doppelganger. He wanted his Conrad back, not this facsimile. Conrad had always been his in all ways. There was no-one else who could be by his side.

Then Adalbert von Grantz had entered the fray, striking out to destroy him; the Demon King, the Maoh, the one personifying all that he hated. And it was then that Conrad had shouted those fateful words, "Do you want to kill Julia?!"

He should be thankful for those words. They had halted Adalbert's strike immediately, freezing him in mid-swing. It had been plain that his own feelings were torn; disbelief, yet a touch of doubt that it was the truth.

Yes, he should be thankful for those words because they were responsible for Adalbert's assistance in their escape later, something he was truly grateful for. He had lost an enemy that day and gained a friend and ally. So some good had immediately come from that.

However, for him, to his heart, those words were like a death knell.

He could remember hearing the raw emotion in Conrad's voice as he had shouted those words. He knew who Julia was. He had even guessed how much she had meant to Conrad. He held no ill feelings towards her for she had sounded like a wonderful person, everyone said so, and he was sorry for how she had died.

But to hear those words uttered by the person he admired and loved so much

had made his heart freeze, then shatter.

He'd had no idea. He'd had no idea that somehow Julia's soul was in him. How could someone do to that to someone else? Who was he really? Was he Yuri Shibuya or was he Julia Von Wincott? When he thought something, when he expressed a view, when he felt for something or someone, how much of that was him and how much was it influenced by Julia? Just what was his anymore?

He dropped his head to his crossed arms resting on the sill, hiding his face from the distant stars. The worst of it was that it explained only too well why Conrad did so much him. Why he had been there for him for so long. Why he vowed to protect him so unswervingly. It wasn't him he was protecting, it was Julia or at least Julia's soul he was concerned about. Conrad couldn't save her when she had been living so he was doing everything he could to protect what was left of her now.

A sob slipped from his lips and he felt the dampness on his crossed arms. Every night was the same; he'd long ago given up feeling embarrassed to be crying like this. Embarrassment hadn't stopped the tears from falling.

He had tried not to dwell on those words, tried to ignore the rift in his heart they had created. After they had been spoken he had done what he had had to do. He had continued in his quest for the Forbidden Boxes. He had ensured the safety of the world for both humans and demons. He had welcomed Conrad back after his deception and he had been glad he was back, truly he had been. But once everything was settled once more, once things had gone back to normal, or as normal as his life as the Demon King ever was, he had had nothing to take his mind off the memory of those words.

From that point on every word, every gesture from Conrad only seemed to hurt him more. The kindness he had accepted, even taken for granted once, the same kindness he had craved with an intensity that had been frightening when he had thought it had been lost, now that same kindness cut him to the very core of his being.

For now he knew that kindness was not for him as he had always supposed, it was for another. Now he knew that when Conrad looked at him, when he gave that warm smile that made his eyes light up, it wasn't for him, Yuri Shibuya. It was, and always had been, all for another. It had never been for him, not even from the moment he'd been born. Conrad had only stayed by his side for one reason and one alone, because he held Julia's soul.

The tears were falling fast now, flowing into each other. He'd been glad when he'd been pulled back to Earth, to finally be able to escape that soft voice and warm gaze. He found that he couldn't bear it any longer and to find himself back in Japan as an ordinary boy once more was a great relief. And for the first time he was extremely thankful that Conrad was not by his side.

He rubbed his hands over his face, using the sleeve of his pyjama's to wipe the dampness from his cheeks. He cast one more glance to the stars, now appearing blurry when seen through his tear-laden eyes. Every day he hoped to not return to the Demon Kingdom, every day he hoped that if he did Conrad would be elsewhere.

He thought he had hidden his feelings well, no-one else seemed to notice any difference in his behaviour, not even Conrad. It wasn't really Conrad's fault; he couldn't really blame him for anything. He'd been told to protect Julia's spirit, to find it a new home, to look after it. He'd done exactly that, done it all perfectly and to the best of his ability. He was only been doing exactly what he should.

But Yuri couldn't help but wish they could return to a time when he had believed that they had shared a special bond, a bond between just the two of them. A bond Conrad shared with him, not Julia

He turned his back, letting the curtain fall to cover the window and slipped under the quilts, shivering a little. He'd got chilled standing in the cold air and pulled the covers up higher, snuggling into the warmth they promised.

He sniffled, keeping further tears at bay. Crying didn't help; what was done was done. There was nothing he could do to change the past or the future. He would just have to go on, trying to do his best for everyone.

But he couldn't stop the ache in his chest, no matter how rationally his mind accepted it. For the thought of all that he had to do as the Maoh was a daunting prospect, and to know that he would have to do it without Conrad's support, leaving him to face it alone, was crushing.

The link he had thought he had shared with Conrad, that link of their time on Earth, had meant that he had never felt quite alone in coming to grips with his new status. As much as he had grown to care for everything in the Demon Kingdom, as much as he had come to care for the people living there, including Wolfram, Gwendal, Gunter, and all the others, none of them could truly understand what his life was like here on Earth and how he had lived. None of them could truly understand the difficulties he had in trying to come to grips with the differences he faced on an almost daily basis between the two worlds. Only Conrad could, and that had been something special they had seemed to share.

Now - now it all seemed like a dream, all those previous years of growing up with Conrad by his side. Although the events were the same, the knowing behind it was different and Yuri knew his time as Demon King would be lonely from this point onwards.

He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to sleep. Tomorrow was another day; another day to face and get through, followed by another night.

A night plagued with the echo of those words that had shattered his world and taken his life as surely as any sword thrust could.