a/n: Continuing my holiday ficlets (Halloween, Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick's...and just to be clear:
Flash is Wallace West; Batman is Bruce Wayne, and the Green Lanterns are John Stewart and Kyle Rayner
Disclaimer: Kyer does not own anything copyrighted by Warner Brothers (includes DC and Looney Tunes.)
Easter: Easter Parade (of Mishaps):
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"So I'm getting paid on Sunday regardless whether I'm scheduled in or not because it's a holiday and we get holiday pay, don't we?" Flash asked his friends as they entered the Watchtower cafeteria.
"Sunday is Easter." The Green Lantern nudged the Flash aside in an unlikely gambit to be able to fill his own plate before the speedster attacked the food and laid waste to the bounty before him.
"Yep." The Flash nodded while piling...several heaping plates with edibles before John could make a grab for one serving spoon.
'Damn. There went the last piece of lasagna.' Lantern sourly eyed his teammate. (Oh, he cared about the kid...Flash was his closest buddy in the League bar Shayera, but the speedster wasn't the only one who appreciated having a full stomach!)
"Flash..."
"We need to get some soup bowls..." the blithely unaware Flash expertly commented around a mouthful of pretzel sticks, "or maybe something bigger like a punch bowl. These flat plates aren't really that good for holding much and it's a pain having to juggle six or so at once even when you are the-" Of course at that moment he bumped right into their most anti-social member. Having hyper reflexes, the speedster managed to save all of his dinner from ending up onto the floor or even less welcome places like black Kevlar. Well, his impromptu juggling act saved everything except for the one chocolate cookie Batman had snatched up and was now sinking his teeth into. "Eh...sorry, Bats..." Flash began to automatically apologize. Then he saw what Batman was doing. "Hey! That's my chocolate-um..." Like guided missiles, dark blue eyes zeroed onto the speedster's green orbs. In response, the speedster's suit undulated where it covered his Adam's apple. Wally thought it over for a millisecond and decided that if the Dark Knight wanted Flash's dark chocolate as recompense for having his personal space trespassed upon without permission, then Wally had best shut up and thank his lucky stars that baked goods were all the The Goddamned Batman seemed inclined to bite into.
Besides, the sugar-filled disk now had Bat spit on it.
Ew! Kiss that cookie goodbye!
"Never mind, you enjoy it." The Flash backed up another step, mindful to keep one eye on where he was backing up to. That would be all he needed right now...plowing into Superman. Supes would probably take his apple pie slice.
"The League doesn't pay extra for any acknowledged religious holidays." Batman coolly informed the rueful speedster after fastidiously downing the stolen treat. "Easter is a religious holiday; ergo, you will not be paid for that day off."
"But..." Flash slumped a little, bit his lip, and went unnaturally quiet.
"You know, the word holiday originally meant 'holy day' so that seems contradictory," a thoughtful Superman put in as he contemplated his own slice of apple pie and compared it to Wally's. He was bigger than the slim speedster; ergo shouldn't he get the bigger slice?
Batman surveyed Flash's plates with such a look of interested contemplation that the other hero hurriedly backed them out of the Dark Knight's reach...and into Superman's. Clark made to switch their slices while Flash was preoccupied...however, being able to outrace a powerful locomotive did not put him in the same league as The Sultan of Speed: Flash zipped out of range and went to sit by Shayera, casting both older heroes a wary look. (During which time Stewart helped himself to a forkful of lasagna.) The Dark Knight watched all of this with amusement, though he didn't let any emotion show on his face.
Not even when he discovered that some carrot sticks had been stuck into his utility belt.
A few seconds later and said sticks were jutting out of Flash's wedge of jalapeno mozzarella . Flash blinked...then used the carrot spears as serving skewers with which to eat the cheese.
"If we paid for each and every day that some group considered 'holy'," Batman continued with his earlier theme, "nobody would be working at all."
"Makes sense." Shayera eyed the chickpeas that had somehow appeared on her plate. Chick. Peas. She glared at Wally who responded by rolling his eyes at her threatening demeanor.
Honestly, it was just a joke! Okay, more like a hint. Wally had plans and Shayera was included in them. He smiled at Shayera: his idea of an adequate peace offering. She mumbled under her breath and scooted the seeds aside. "Yeah, Easter's a religious thing," Wally agreed, "but it's also about eating too."
"Everything to you is about eating." John pointed out, "and mind your grammar." The cocky kid continued with that amiable grin plastered on his face, the mild reproof apparently not taking root in his pal's impenetrable brain.
"So true." Wally pointed at John's plate with the business end of his fork -which gained back the lasagna. "'Bout the eating part anyway, and for your information I always minded my gran. Respect the elderly, you know?" He ignored John's sour face. "You going to eat that cookie? Or the chips? Or the-"
Naturally, the bottomless pit did more than just point at the items on his dinner plate as it was now half empty.
"Ugh...here." Lantern handed Flash what was left. God only knew how toxic speedster saliva was. Obviously it was detrimental to certain brain cells. Better safe than sorry. GL sighed, conceding yet another dining room defeat. His sirloin had been purloined; his corn cob robbed. Looked like The Lantern of sector 2814 was doing Chinese take out later on.
"Thanks." Another empty dish joined the used stack next to Flash before anyone could blink. He swallowed noisily. "By the by, Shay, have you decided to join me this year at the orphanage?" He'd asked her a whole day ago and she'd yet to answer. He was getting antsy.
Shayera was busy pondering over just what anyone saw in chickpeas as she used her spoon to herd the silly things around her plate. Earth food was strange. "I did some checking. Easter is about angels and rebirth. So, you want me to play an angel, right?" It sounded like something Wally would ask of her. She did have ready-to-go wings. But it was kind of insulting that everyone pigeonholed her on account of them. Pigeonholed. Shayera mentally slapped herself. She'd been spending way too much time around Flash and his avian jokes. Well, today he hadn't done so...yet.
Unless the chickpeas counted?
Oh yeah...they counted.
"Nope." His grin actually widened more so than seemed natural. The sight was starting to give her goosebumps.
Goosebumps. Agh!
"No?"
"I was thinking something more along the lines of a chick." Flash had picked up one of the chickpeas and was holding it up between one thumb and forefinger.
Thanagarian-green eyes narrowed to mere slits as she drew out her mace as well as a conclusion; and -by all that was breakable- it had better be an erroneous one or the League was going to be short one Founder in Red Long Johns. "Is that some sort of sexist remark?"
Flash leaned way back from the powered mace that was threatening his lips and quite possibly the rest of him. "No! No...please put the Flash Basher away. I meant chick as in a baby chicken."
"A chicken." Shayera's eyes were no longer slits, but her displeased frown was still on display.
"Uh...yeah. What? Little chicks are cute! All fluffily and..."
The slits of death were back.
"Do I look cute and all fluffily to you?" she growled at him.
"Eh...is this a trick question?" He glanced around for any assistance from his other colleagues.
Really, women were inscrutable.
And scary.
"Only if you consider that if you answer wrong you'll end up with a trick knee."
Very scary.
Eyes betraying his fear, Flash pleadingly looked over to Green Lantern for help. Instead, his gaze latched onto another League Founder and the fear evaporated like it had never been there. "Oh...Bats! Hey, Bats, long time no see!"
The Dark Knight stared at him as if Flash was a bipedal anomaly. "You saw me two minutes ago."
"Yeah, eh, well..." Wally fiddled with his fork, "two minutes is 120 seconds...that's kind of long for me. Say, could you explain to Shay here..."
"No."
Flash gave him a look that said: Sheesh, I thought you claimed to be smart?
Pointedly not looking in Shayera's direction, Batman returned the voiceless inquiry with his own look: I am smart.
(Which was why Bruce Wayne wasn't touching this one with a ten-foot, exploding-tip batarang.)
The Gotham Knight made his I-Was-Never-Here getaway.
"Ah...'kay. Never mind then." Flash returned his full attention to Shayera. "Warrior woman...you look like a warrior woman" (with homicidal tendencies) "who takes absolutely no guff whatsoever from harmless speedsters who really wish they'd stayed in bed today."
After a long moment of watching Flash sweat, Shayera put away her weapon.
"So...can these Easter...chicks...carry a mace?"
"J'onn," Wally scratched at his nose and tried to think of the politest way to phrase this, "when I asked you to bring me a few dozen eggs, I was thinking something more along the lines of..."
The Martian held up one gooey hand to stop him. "I assure you, Wallace, they are fresh. I picked them myself."
"Yeah, yeah, I can..." Wally sped away for a micron of a second in order to gag out of sight of his friend before rushing back, "see that, but..."
"...and I believe various cultures do find them quite delectable," the calm Martian continued.
"Um...likely true, however..." Flash hemmed, now scratching the back of his head. These sort of situations always made him feel itchy.
"Also," J'onn reminded him, "they are not nearly as large as the ostrich eggs you proclaimed too 'gargantuan' for any economical pastel baskets obtained for this project."
"Well, yeah, because if one of those suckers rolled over they'd squash one of the littler kids flat; but, J'onn, unless you invited The Atom over to help, I don't think the manufacturers quite had this in mind when they put together these Egg Dye Kits. I mean these eggs kind of fall through the little hoop things and decals would be a bit overwhelming... Anyway, does food dye even work on beluga caviar?"
"A tisket, a tasket, I wove an emerald basket..."
"Kyle,." Wally poked one of the glowing items floating around the room, "you are such an idiot."
"What? I did what you asked." Kyle frowned at him. "Or is this some sort of tactless insinuation that Hal Jordon could have done it better?"
Wally moaned, "I asked you to pick up some wicker baskets. Real ones. The kind that won't drop the eggs out should you get distracted and lose focus and children start crying over broken dreams of cold egg whites and pasty yolks."
"Oh...wicker...for kids. I thought you wanted them for you to use for your daily food shopping." Kyle smirked.
"Har de-har and whatever." Wally gestured towards the army of luminescent and slightly transparent green shopping trolleys. "Just...un-power ring up all of these before one of them gets loose, rolls away, and puts a ding in the Bat Jet or something."
"Eh...about that..." Kyle nervously began. "There was a bit of a braking problem earlier..."
Wally slapped a palm over his forehead. "You didn't?"
"Kyle! Flash!" growled out a very masculine and very irritated voice from the vicinity of the Bat Jet..
"How was I to know the Watchtower hangar deck wasn't built totally level?" Kyle whined to his emergency ride as Flash whisked them both to safety.
"Bats...have you ever thought of one day...oh, I dunno...not dressing up as a flying rodent for a singular pre-dawn stealthy adventure?"
"Leave."
"Here comes Peter Cottontail, swooping down the bunny trail..."
"Take that rabbit costume away this instant or you'll be coughing up synthetic hair balls for the next week."
"It's not a rabbit costume. It's a bouncing tiger-wearing-a-rabbit-costume costume. Geez, Bats, your observation skills must be slipping. C'mon, you know this is a dream of a lifetime. A chance to let go and have a bouncy, trouncey, fun-fun-fun Easter."
One minute later:
Kyle gave Flash one more whack between the shoulder blades as fluffy fibers decorated the air around them. Wally hacked out half of a cotton tail.
"A simple 'no' would have sufficed," "Wally complained, staring forlornly at the bedraggled appendage and tried to match it up with what he'd managed to cough up on his own before seeking the Lantern's help. Some blow drying, sewing thread... Hopefully, the rental company wouldn't notice.
"You knew beforehand that Bats always was more the silent type," Rayner unhelpfully pointed out.
"Here comes Speedster Cottontail, zooming down the bunny trail; hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way!" Kyle sang aloud. "Or he will be just as soon as we get these Rogue goons of yours into prison."
"Shut it, Kyle" The fastest rabbit alive jiggled a furred paw in the direction of one of his Rogues. "And you! What's with you? Dammit it, Captain Boomerang, it's Easter morning! You don't shoot at the Easter Bunny on Easter morning!"
Digger snorted in disgust. "We Aussie's hate rabbits on principle."
Flying above them, Kyle snickered at the two long-time adversaries. "He was just huntin' wabbits because it's wabbit season, Flash. Hehhehheh."
"Shut up, Kyle." Dusting himself off, Wally adjusted his rabbit costume's rear end. He was in no mood for Warner Bros parodies.
At least the length of his cowl's radio antennae were helping to prop up the ears.
Gave Peter a sporty look.
Which Petey could sure use because his tail accessory both previous to and post regurgitation didn't exactly cut it when it came to masculinity. On the other hand, the resilient little ass warmer seemed to work pretty well for real rabbits if the rabbit overpopulation was any indication. Plus, it was a blessing in disguise when you got knocked on your butt.
Unless it was being shot at by an Eskimo-wannabe wacko wielding a sub-zero gun.
Anyway, Wally had more important things to worry about than looking like a fool...like not accidentally vibrating out of the padded outfit and causing the rental to explode. (Peter Cottontail's security deposit was more expensive than his Flash costume.)
Wally dodged another ice blast. This one knocked away his basket full of Easter Joy. Things were definitely not looking Bright & Gay.
(Except for that danged tail. The tail was definitely gay.)
"Damn it, Captain Cold, haven't you heard it's Spring time?"
"Yeah. So start springing, hoppity!" The Rogue leader sent two more blasts his way, forcing Wally to skip out of their paths.
"I make a fashion choice and suddenly everyone's a comedian..." Flash muttered as he decked the villain with a plush carrot (that was traveling at a speed faster than any plush carrot had the right to travel before it made contact with Snert's jaw.)
Flash 1, Bad Guys 0...Bunny costume -2
Central City Orphanage was hosting a private Easter party for the kids. They did so every year and every year volunteers from the surrounding community came to help out.
One of those regular volunteers and the most well known had always been The Flash who without fail came either as himself or dressed in a festive costume in the spirit of the occasion.
Okay, so the star attraction this year looked like he'd been through a war rather than happily spending his morning hopping through flowery pastures of green. That was probably because he had been. First he'd been attacked by the Rogues and then the police had caught him in a crossfire...
Let it be said Mr. Cottontail was one battered and bruised bunny.
It turned out fine though; He'd managed to convince John Stewart to let him borrow his old Marines cap and now the boys were awed over the fact that Peter was a war hero with the requisite battle scars, while most of the girls were happily applying copious bandages to his burnt fur and kissing the booboos. (Alas, they were by all technical definitions girls and not, you know, 'girls'; but this was nice too.
(Yes, the rental deposit was definitely a victim of his epic battle.) Wally would think about how to deal with that little financial fiasco later. Right now he had happy children to entertain.
Also photographs to capture for posterity and possible blackmail to help pay for that deposit.
After all, it wasn't every Easter the kids had a real, live, Hawkchick handing out marshmallow preformed confectioneries and a giant, magical Leprechaun to help hold your egg basket while you hunted decorated eggs both large and small.
But according to the orphanage owner the best thing about this year was having someone competent to arbitrate egg ownership disputes: usually an concurrence of heated verbal slings and childish scuffs.
Not this year.
Nobody, but nobody -be he rug-rat or a twenty-something in a bedraggled bunny suit was going to argue with The Easter Bat over who had rights to what bounty.
All told it wasn't the best Easter morning in Wally's past memory, but it was a good one.
And that made it all right.
He speed snapped another picture.