This is mostly based on X: An Omen and Kristin Olsen's X translations, since I don't have access myself to the relevant volumes of manga. Therefore I apologise for any errors incurred by poking my nose into things I don't truly understand.
That said, this has spoilers for practically everything in X that relates to Kakyou and Subaru, including the most recent events in Asuka. If you don't know what I mean, don't read this.
Finding Comfort
Prologue
In the beginning, Kakyou had no one. There was no one in his family that showed him any love - he was alone in his room with only his dreams for company. There was little comfort to be found in visions of the future.
Then, She had come and Kakyou began to feel something he knew must be love. She was charming and beautiful and didn't seem to care one way or another about what his Power meant. He liked that. It meant she saw him for himself, and not simply as a dreamgazer.
But She loved someone else more. It would have been very easy for Kakyou to feel resentment, even jealousy, towards that person were it not her brother whom she loved more than anyone else in the world. He told himself it was a fine emotion and she should be congratulated for being so devoted, until the day she gave her own life so that her brother could live.
He saw what would happen in his dreams, but no attempt he made could change the future. Wounded and defeated, he retreated into his Dreamscape, determined never to open human contact again. It was easy, in his isolation, to begin to hate the Sumeragi boy, just as much as he hated the man that had killed Her. The Sumeragi should not have let her do that for him, he should have returned his sister's devotion and prevented such a thing from ever happening.
Still, Hate needs constant fuel in order to burn brightly. And when it came down to it, the Sumeragi was no better than he, was he? Just as Kakyou had, the Sumeragi had retreated into his own mind after a trauma. And what he saw of Subaru in his dreams did little to convince Kakyou of his indifference towards his sister.
No, Subaru had loved his sister very, very much. And slowly, Kakyou's anger faded into pity - pity for himself; pity for everyone else She had left behind; pity for the man that her taken her from this world. That one could put out such a bright light in the world and never comprehend why it was a tragedy - that was what he pitied about the man and that was what he hated.
Now, the Thirteenth Head of the Sumeragi Clan stood in his Dreamscape. The man whom Kakyou had hated for so long was dead by Subaru's hand, the result of a spell cast by that girl he had loved so much.
And Subaru was broken.
In the Dreamscape, standing face to face with the Sumeragi for the first time, he saw that both of Subaru's eyes were green, like Hers had been. But where Hers had been joyful and full of life, his were dark and full of sorrow.
He knew, of course, that in the real world one of those eyes was not green at all - it had belonged to the Sakurazukamori himself and was brown like honey. It signified that Subaru was now Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth, although Kakyou had yet to See him kill somebody.
Subaru said to him, "F--'Kamui' told me that you knew my sister."
He nodded. "She was a very special person," he said softly, "We would talk for hours about nothing and that was fine because we were such friends," he added, when Subaru only gave him a doubtful look. Only somebody that had known Her would be able to say something like that.
He could forgive the Sumeragi for being suspicious. Kakyou himself would not trust what Fuuma said to be any more than empty words, carefully gauged to suit his purpose.
Effortlessly, he shifted the dream around him to represent the ocean she had shown him. "She told him she loved the sea," he added, as explanation for the sudden change of scenery.
Subaru took another step forward, before collapsing to his knees in the sand. "I miss her," he whispered hoarsely. "Even after all this time, it still hurts so much..."
No, it was impossible to feel any resentment for Subaru - only pity. Such a hopeless, pathetic creature he had become. Still, the Sumeragi was not unworthy of comfort. If the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth could show Kakyou compassion, Kakyou could surely give Subaru some of his own.
A gentle arm around the shoulder was all it took for quiet tears to fall. Kakyou held him until the sand beneath them was wet and Subaru's eyes were dry.
"I never really cried for her before," said Subaru, softly.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because there was nobody who loved her to hear..." Subaru trailed off into silence.
Kakyou didn't speak again, he just simply held the Sumeragi for as long as he could. For healing, perhaps, it was still not enough. He thought that Subaru's wound, like his own, could never be truly healed.
But if Subaru could find some comfort in his arms and lessen the sorrow that darkened the Sumeragi's eyes, it would be worth it for Kakyou.
He owed it to Sumeragi Hokuto.
~ * ~
Chapter One
Subaru awoke from his dream, blinking into the darkness. He felt his cheeks begin to heat with embarrassment as he recalled what he had been dreaming about.
Sighing, he decided he wasn't going to get any more sleep and got up. The mirror was cold and unforgiving, and Seishirou's eye seemed to be accusing him every time he looked into it. He ignored the little voice that informed him that it had only been kissing, and barely even that.
"You're cute when you pout," said a vaguely familiar voice as Subaru leaned over to turn out the lamp. Silhouetted in the morning sunlight, the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth leant against the doorframe, regarding the onmyouji with an eyebrow raised in what Subaru supposed was an appreciative manner. "Did he ever tell you that?"
Seishirou hadn't. Subaru turned to face 'Kamui', not amused. "Was there some specific reason for your being here," he asked, attempting to sound more confident than he actually felt, "or are you just in my doorway for the fun of it?"
The 'Kamui' smirked, and stepped forward to kneel on the floor next to Subaru. "Just admiring the view, as they say," he said, smoothly. "The eye suits you," he continued, reaching out as if to touch the lashes that obscured it.
Subaru slapped the hand away and stepped away from the mirror. "I have no more interest in you than I did your twin star," he said, stiffly. "So I would appreciate it if you would refrain from such comments in my presence." He left the bathroom before the repercussions of this uncharacteristic behaviour could make themself known. Attractive ones or not, Subaru was not enamoured of teenagers and never had been.
Hokuto had first decided her brother was gay when they had hit puberty, but he had blushingly denied any such thing until the evidence became too obvious to deny. Still, he resolved to do nothing about it and to carry on his duties as Clan Head regardless. He could live with being alone and his attraction to men meant nothing if he never acted on it.
Then, he met Seishirou-san.
A week after they met, he shyly confided to his sister that he found himself extremely attracted to the older man. He instantly regretted it as she took it upon herself as a personal crusade to make sure her brother and the friendly veterinarian became a couple.
Now, at the less tender age of twenty-five, he wondered how much pain could have been prevented had he not admitted that simple fact to his sister. If his sister had not had such absolute faith in the man, would Subaru have been so eager to trust a member of the Sakurazuka clan?
"You shouldn't dwell so much on the past, Sumeragi-san," said Fuuma from behind him.
Subaru ignored him, escaping to the relative safety of Kakyou's room and locking the door behind him.
"What else is there to think of?" he muttered to himself as he pulled up a chair beside the bedside. "My future? I have none."
"The future is not yet decided," Kakyou reminded him, even before Subaru realised he had slipped into a dreamscape. "No matter what he thinks."
Subaru needed a cigarette, but when he patted his pockets he found them empty. "I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," he muttered, speaking of Fuuma.
Kakyou remained silent, but he seemed amused.
~ * ~
"I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," muttered Subaru, obviously speaking of Fuuma.
Kakyou hid a smile. So far as he knew, Subaru had been the antithesis of obnoxious as a teenager.
The Sumeragi's appearance in the dreamscape had altered to more accurately reflect his physical appearance. Kakyou wondered at what the significance of that was and whether it meant Subaru was beginning to accept the changes within himself. He seemed to have gained a bitter sense of humour, at any rate.
Subaru sat down on one of the rocks surrounding them, looking out to the ocean. "I had an odd dream last night," he began.
Kakyou wisely remained silent.
"I won't tell you what it was about," he continued, blushing faintly, "but it made me realise something." Subaru took a deep breath. "I don't need to care about what people think of me. I don't have a clan any more. Grandmother will drag out some distant cousin to take my place, and the last of the Sakurazuka clan is dead by her own son's hand."
The dreamgazer waited patiently.
"I guess this is my way of saying I'm going to stop moping and start living again," he said, with a weak smile. "Assuming I get the chance."
"What are you going to do?" asked Kakyou, curiously.
Subaru's eyes looked distant for a moment. "Leave this place," he said quietly. "I'd like to go somewhere far away." He stood up, and turned to face Kakyou with his hand outstretched. "Come with me?" he asked, for a moment looking so much like his sister that it took Kakyou several moments to choke out a reply.
"That would sentence one of the Seals to death," he said.
Subaru paused for a moment. "After the promised day, then. But I don't feel I can stay here any more."
"Why don't you just go home?"
He shrugged. "I'm not the same person any more. I can't see that place as home to me. Not in any way."
Kakyou frowned, running through the memories he had of his dreams. "You have his apartment key, do you not?" he said.
The Sumeragi blinked, startled. "I do, yes. Are you saying I could move there?"
"You're the Sakurazukamori, aren't you?"
Subaru's expression turned dark for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I am." His gaze fell to his hands, where the inverted pentagrams lay dormant. "Will you come with me?"
Kakyou shrugged. "You barely know me," he protested, softly.
"She did mention you once," said Subaru, idly tracing around the pentagram with a finger. "She told me about this boy she'd been talking to and asked if I knew anything about dreamgazers." He smiled in wistful amusement. "I told her that was more grandmother's division than mine, and she made a face."
Kakyou felt an ache he hadn't even realised was there gently dissolve in his heart. He had never been quite certain she had ever really been there, let alone had any intention of setting him free. "And then she died," he said, very quietly.
"I'm sorry," said Subaru, uncomfortably. "I would have stopped her, if I had known."
He nodded. "I know."
"It's good, I think, to talk about it. That's why I asked you to come with me," continued Subaru.
"Is it?" said Kakyou, raising his eyebrows.
"That, and... I don't want to become like Seishirou-san. I don't want to be alone any more."
"You're the Sakurazukamori. You accepted his eye." He folded his arms, waiting to see how Subaru would respond to this.
"That doesn't mean I want to be him." Subaru was silent for a moment. "How to explain this... I wanted to keep a part of him alive, because he was the first person I ever loved and I can never forget that. But I don't want to become any more like Seishirou-san than I have to. I'm not going to be killing anybody that doesn't deserve to die, and apparently I do have the right to judge."
Kakyou nodded, slowly. "May I ask a personal question?" Subaru nodded. "Not long ago you were simply content to mope around and lament your past," he said bluntly. "What's changed?"
Subaru blinked. "I guess... I lost faith in my position as Sumeragi Head because I could see I could never save anybody, and that it was pointless to try when I lacked faith in myself." He frowned, and then smiled weakly. "I feel I have something to live for now."
Kakyou looked out at the waves crashing on the sand. "I think I understand."
"And..." Subaru looked very uncomfortable. "I have to go out." He muttered something about work, and insistent trees.
"Will you be back?" asked Kakyou.
Subaru nodded. "I won't leave without saying goodbye." He seemed to be assuming Kakyou would not be coming.
Kakyou released Subaru from the dreamscape and sat in silence, watching the waves, for a long time. He hadn't been in a true coma for several years. Onmyouji like Subaru called this kind of withdrawal "going within", but he had never seen it quite like that. It had just been convenient, staying in this void where only people he wished to see could talk to him.
Slowly, as if it pained him to do so, Kakyou dissolved the dreamscape and voluntarily opened his eyes for the first time in nine years.
That said, this has spoilers for practically everything in X that relates to Kakyou and Subaru, including the most recent events in Asuka. If you don't know what I mean, don't read this.
Finding Comfort
Prologue
In the beginning, Kakyou had no one. There was no one in his family that showed him any love - he was alone in his room with only his dreams for company. There was little comfort to be found in visions of the future.
Then, She had come and Kakyou began to feel something he knew must be love. She was charming and beautiful and didn't seem to care one way or another about what his Power meant. He liked that. It meant she saw him for himself, and not simply as a dreamgazer.
But She loved someone else more. It would have been very easy for Kakyou to feel resentment, even jealousy, towards that person were it not her brother whom she loved more than anyone else in the world. He told himself it was a fine emotion and she should be congratulated for being so devoted, until the day she gave her own life so that her brother could live.
He saw what would happen in his dreams, but no attempt he made could change the future. Wounded and defeated, he retreated into his Dreamscape, determined never to open human contact again. It was easy, in his isolation, to begin to hate the Sumeragi boy, just as much as he hated the man that had killed Her. The Sumeragi should not have let her do that for him, he should have returned his sister's devotion and prevented such a thing from ever happening.
Still, Hate needs constant fuel in order to burn brightly. And when it came down to it, the Sumeragi was no better than he, was he? Just as Kakyou had, the Sumeragi had retreated into his own mind after a trauma. And what he saw of Subaru in his dreams did little to convince Kakyou of his indifference towards his sister.
No, Subaru had loved his sister very, very much. And slowly, Kakyou's anger faded into pity - pity for himself; pity for everyone else She had left behind; pity for the man that her taken her from this world. That one could put out such a bright light in the world and never comprehend why it was a tragedy - that was what he pitied about the man and that was what he hated.
Now, the Thirteenth Head of the Sumeragi Clan stood in his Dreamscape. The man whom Kakyou had hated for so long was dead by Subaru's hand, the result of a spell cast by that girl he had loved so much.
And Subaru was broken.
In the Dreamscape, standing face to face with the Sumeragi for the first time, he saw that both of Subaru's eyes were green, like Hers had been. But where Hers had been joyful and full of life, his were dark and full of sorrow.
He knew, of course, that in the real world one of those eyes was not green at all - it had belonged to the Sakurazukamori himself and was brown like honey. It signified that Subaru was now Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth, although Kakyou had yet to See him kill somebody.
Subaru said to him, "F--'Kamui' told me that you knew my sister."
He nodded. "She was a very special person," he said softly, "We would talk for hours about nothing and that was fine because we were such friends," he added, when Subaru only gave him a doubtful look. Only somebody that had known Her would be able to say something like that.
He could forgive the Sumeragi for being suspicious. Kakyou himself would not trust what Fuuma said to be any more than empty words, carefully gauged to suit his purpose.
Effortlessly, he shifted the dream around him to represent the ocean she had shown him. "She told him she loved the sea," he added, as explanation for the sudden change of scenery.
Subaru took another step forward, before collapsing to his knees in the sand. "I miss her," he whispered hoarsely. "Even after all this time, it still hurts so much..."
No, it was impossible to feel any resentment for Subaru - only pity. Such a hopeless, pathetic creature he had become. Still, the Sumeragi was not unworthy of comfort. If the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth could show Kakyou compassion, Kakyou could surely give Subaru some of his own.
A gentle arm around the shoulder was all it took for quiet tears to fall. Kakyou held him until the sand beneath them was wet and Subaru's eyes were dry.
"I never really cried for her before," said Subaru, softly.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because there was nobody who loved her to hear..." Subaru trailed off into silence.
Kakyou didn't speak again, he just simply held the Sumeragi for as long as he could. For healing, perhaps, it was still not enough. He thought that Subaru's wound, like his own, could never be truly healed.
But if Subaru could find some comfort in his arms and lessen the sorrow that darkened the Sumeragi's eyes, it would be worth it for Kakyou.
He owed it to Sumeragi Hokuto.
Subaru awoke from his dream, blinking into the darkness. He felt his cheeks begin to heat with embarrassment as he recalled what he had been dreaming about.
Sighing, he decided he wasn't going to get any more sleep and got up. The mirror was cold and unforgiving, and Seishirou's eye seemed to be accusing him every time he looked into it. He ignored the little voice that informed him that it had only been kissing, and barely even that.
"You're cute when you pout," said a vaguely familiar voice as Subaru leaned over to turn out the lamp. Silhouetted in the morning sunlight, the 'Kamui' of the Dragons of Earth leant against the doorframe, regarding the onmyouji with an eyebrow raised in what Subaru supposed was an appreciative manner. "Did he ever tell you that?"
Seishirou hadn't. Subaru turned to face 'Kamui', not amused. "Was there some specific reason for your being here," he asked, attempting to sound more confident than he actually felt, "or are you just in my doorway for the fun of it?"
The 'Kamui' smirked, and stepped forward to kneel on the floor next to Subaru. "Just admiring the view, as they say," he said, smoothly. "The eye suits you," he continued, reaching out as if to touch the lashes that obscured it.
Subaru slapped the hand away and stepped away from the mirror. "I have no more interest in you than I did your twin star," he said, stiffly. "So I would appreciate it if you would refrain from such comments in my presence." He left the bathroom before the repercussions of this uncharacteristic behaviour could make themself known. Attractive ones or not, Subaru was not enamoured of teenagers and never had been.
Hokuto had first decided her brother was gay when they had hit puberty, but he had blushingly denied any such thing until the evidence became too obvious to deny. Still, he resolved to do nothing about it and to carry on his duties as Clan Head regardless. He could live with being alone and his attraction to men meant nothing if he never acted on it.
Then, he met Seishirou-san.
A week after they met, he shyly confided to his sister that he found himself extremely attracted to the older man. He instantly regretted it as she took it upon herself as a personal crusade to make sure her brother and the friendly veterinarian became a couple.
Now, at the less tender age of twenty-five, he wondered how much pain could have been prevented had he not admitted that simple fact to his sister. If his sister had not had such absolute faith in the man, would Subaru have been so eager to trust a member of the Sakurazuka clan?
"You shouldn't dwell so much on the past, Sumeragi-san," said Fuuma from behind him.
Subaru ignored him, escaping to the relative safety of Kakyou's room and locking the door behind him.
"What else is there to think of?" he muttered to himself as he pulled up a chair beside the bedside. "My future? I have none."
"The future is not yet decided," Kakyou reminded him, even before Subaru realised he had slipped into a dreamscape. "No matter what he thinks."
Subaru needed a cigarette, but when he patted his pockets he found them empty. "I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," he muttered, speaking of Fuuma.
Kakyou remained silent, but he seemed amused.
"I don't think I was ever that obnoxious as a teenager," muttered Subaru, obviously speaking of Fuuma.
Kakyou hid a smile. So far as he knew, Subaru had been the antithesis of obnoxious as a teenager.
The Sumeragi's appearance in the dreamscape had altered to more accurately reflect his physical appearance. Kakyou wondered at what the significance of that was and whether it meant Subaru was beginning to accept the changes within himself. He seemed to have gained a bitter sense of humour, at any rate.
Subaru sat down on one of the rocks surrounding them, looking out to the ocean. "I had an odd dream last night," he began.
Kakyou wisely remained silent.
"I won't tell you what it was about," he continued, blushing faintly, "but it made me realise something." Subaru took a deep breath. "I don't need to care about what people think of me. I don't have a clan any more. Grandmother will drag out some distant cousin to take my place, and the last of the Sakurazuka clan is dead by her own son's hand."
The dreamgazer waited patiently.
"I guess this is my way of saying I'm going to stop moping and start living again," he said, with a weak smile. "Assuming I get the chance."
"What are you going to do?" asked Kakyou, curiously.
Subaru's eyes looked distant for a moment. "Leave this place," he said quietly. "I'd like to go somewhere far away." He stood up, and turned to face Kakyou with his hand outstretched. "Come with me?" he asked, for a moment looking so much like his sister that it took Kakyou several moments to choke out a reply.
"That would sentence one of the Seals to death," he said.
Subaru paused for a moment. "After the promised day, then. But I don't feel I can stay here any more."
"Why don't you just go home?"
He shrugged. "I'm not the same person any more. I can't see that place as home to me. Not in any way."
Kakyou frowned, running through the memories he had of his dreams. "You have his apartment key, do you not?" he said.
The Sumeragi blinked, startled. "I do, yes. Are you saying I could move there?"
"You're the Sakurazukamori, aren't you?"
Subaru's expression turned dark for a moment. "Yes, I suppose I am." His gaze fell to his hands, where the inverted pentagrams lay dormant. "Will you come with me?"
Kakyou shrugged. "You barely know me," he protested, softly.
"She did mention you once," said Subaru, idly tracing around the pentagram with a finger. "She told me about this boy she'd been talking to and asked if I knew anything about dreamgazers." He smiled in wistful amusement. "I told her that was more grandmother's division than mine, and she made a face."
Kakyou felt an ache he hadn't even realised was there gently dissolve in his heart. He had never been quite certain she had ever really been there, let alone had any intention of setting him free. "And then she died," he said, very quietly.
"I'm sorry," said Subaru, uncomfortably. "I would have stopped her, if I had known."
He nodded. "I know."
"It's good, I think, to talk about it. That's why I asked you to come with me," continued Subaru.
"Is it?" said Kakyou, raising his eyebrows.
"That, and... I don't want to become like Seishirou-san. I don't want to be alone any more."
"You're the Sakurazukamori. You accepted his eye." He folded his arms, waiting to see how Subaru would respond to this.
"That doesn't mean I want to be him." Subaru was silent for a moment. "How to explain this... I wanted to keep a part of him alive, because he was the first person I ever loved and I can never forget that. But I don't want to become any more like Seishirou-san than I have to. I'm not going to be killing anybody that doesn't deserve to die, and apparently I do have the right to judge."
Kakyou nodded, slowly. "May I ask a personal question?" Subaru nodded. "Not long ago you were simply content to mope around and lament your past," he said bluntly. "What's changed?"
Subaru blinked. "I guess... I lost faith in my position as Sumeragi Head because I could see I could never save anybody, and that it was pointless to try when I lacked faith in myself." He frowned, and then smiled weakly. "I feel I have something to live for now."
Kakyou looked out at the waves crashing on the sand. "I think I understand."
"And..." Subaru looked very uncomfortable. "I have to go out." He muttered something about work, and insistent trees.
"Will you be back?" asked Kakyou.
Subaru nodded. "I won't leave without saying goodbye." He seemed to be assuming Kakyou would not be coming.
Kakyou released Subaru from the dreamscape and sat in silence, watching the waves, for a long time. He hadn't been in a true coma for several years. Onmyouji like Subaru called this kind of withdrawal "going within", but he had never seen it quite like that. It had just been convenient, staying in this void where only people he wished to see could talk to him.
Slowly, as if it pained him to do so, Kakyou dissolved the dreamscape and voluntarily opened his eyes for the first time in nine years.