It was like this. If there was one place in all of Thedas where I shouldn't be, it would be right here. It was crazy and probably a sign of how emotionally imbalanced I was but… I just couldn't help it. No matter how long I wandered these ornate halls, every turn and corner brought be back to this door with no regard for what I feel or how I should feel. So, I finally gave up fighting it.
I raised a hand and rapped each calloused knuckle against the wood reluctantly, as if even my hand understood how ridiculously wrong this was.
"Come in… if you must."
The ripple of anger that washed down my spine nearly caused me to smash into her room right there and then, and I suddenly imagined throwing each of my elven daggers into the spaces beside her head - just so I could witness the look of utter shock she would be pressed to conjure. Oh, how sweet would that small victory be!
But… even as I thought about it, I felt the life and rage drain out of me in quick torrents, leaving nothing but an empty hole in the center of my soul that ached with a fervency that had been all too familiar these past few months on our journey together. I didn't truly want to hurt Morrigan. At least, I think I didn't. No… these emotions were only present due to the chronic lack of sleep that has been plaguing me lately.
Especially tonight.
I stifled a tired yawn and gently pushed the door open, wordlessly noting a sprawled out Morrigan wrapped up in nothing but a short robe. She rested comfortably in her giant bed and had the top blanket tucked all about her waist, providing a natural hammock for her mother's grimoire to perch upon while she leafed through each page with weary and focused eyes. It was funny - seeing her like this was so opposite what my tormented mind had pictured. I had envisioned her cackling instead, twirling a long mustache and snorting with delight at the turn of night's events. Yet, there she studied, all alone and looking quite peaceful while she did.
All the while I was a mess.
"Hey," I croaked out. It was like I didn't even have the strength to use my voice anymore.
Morrigan's gaze snapped up at once. "Lyna? What are you wanting at this hour? I… was not expecting you, to say the least."
I knew she was telling the truth too, because both yellow eyes had already widened considerably, as if in surprise. I swallowed thickly at the sight of her. The urge to cry was already upon me, creeping up my throat and threatening to constrict its walls.
"Lyna? … Are you alright?"
"No," I said with a little more force than necessary. "I'm not alright. I'm tired and sore and completely pissed off - though while I'm going out of my elven mind you're just…" But then my voice was failing again and I nearly growled in order to compensate for the fact that I couldn't keep the emotions out of my own words, nevertheless my own head.
Morrigan merely frowned. She even looked… guilty? I tried searching her face for some sign of ingenuity, if only for a justification that would allow me to drive my fist in her face without too much repercussion… yet she was completely sincere, and lines of tension began forming around the corners of her mouth. She now looked just as emotional as I felt.
Ah… shit.
Sighing heavily, I strode over to the four-poster bed, both feet nearly tripping over themselves with fatigue. "Push over," I commanded. Was there any other way to say it at a time like this?
To be honest, I expected resistance… but Morrigan was quick to do what I say. She offered no witty comeback as I climbed into bed with her, even when I snatched some of her blanket for myself. The mattress was noticeably soft, an ironic contrast to the woman I rested next to - though the waves of body heat rolling onto my freezing body was enough to tell me that she was human too.
Despite my doubts.
I felt the mattress depress as Morrigan visibly relaxed beside me, as if all the pent up tension in her body instantly dissolved. She proceeded to close the book in her lap before letting it thud to the ground, and I laced my fingers together.
"I infer from your presence and the current time of night that you were unable to sleep?"
Morrigan spoke to the air in front of us, and I nodded at her harmless tone, barely energized enough to shake away the loose strands of hair that had rippled over my temples.
"And… did you tell Alistair of your intended destination?"
Ugh.
Just hearing his name fall out of her lips like that was enough to make me shudder. Morrigan's head tilted downwards then.
"He never came back to our room after… you know. I suspect he's with Riordan now and talking strategy with the others. Either way, he has no idea I'm here."
It was strange, admitting all of this to Morrigan - despite our closeness. Even though she was my best friend, it seemed like a defeat somehow to show any inkling of weakness to her… at least as far as Alistair went. I knew in my elven heart that she was sorry about her unexpected involvement in our relationship; I could see it written plainly across her face, even while she was turned away from me. I waited a few more moments before leaning my cheek onto her shoulder, feeling the soft satin of her robe caress the skin there.
"You're leaving tomorrow… aren't you?" My own voice sounded alien to me. It… trembled.
Morrigan exhaled quietly then and she scooted closer to me so that our sides were pressed up against each other in an affectionate cuddle.
"How perceptive you are, little one." I almost burst into tears at her casual use of my nickname, but she continued on before I could.
"You see a great deal of things long before any human does, I will give you that. As for what tomorrow brings… all I know for certain is that I will sleep easily at night knowing you will neither perish nor be required to mourn the loss of your templar fool. Is that not enough?"
No!
Hot tears suddenly flooded down my face then. I didn't try to fight them as I had before - Morrigan's unusual display of tenderness in addition to my severe lack of sleep had finally caught up with me. I sniffled, and Morrigan tilted her head upon my own.
"Of course it is… and I am grateful. I imagine I'll spend the rest of my life being grateful to you. But, Morrigan - "
"Yes?"
"I will miss you terribly," I whispered. Whispering was the only thing I could manage at this point, due to the buildup of heavy emotion seeping into my throat. It tasted like metal and acid and I hated it, but furthered on. "In fact, I'm afraid of how much I will miss you. You're my best friend. How could I not?"
It was true. However, it was also extremely sentimental of me. Usually I would be slow to exchange these kinds of comments with this particular apostate, but… when will I ever get the chance to again? What if this it it?
Morrigan chuckled. It felt patronizing, but it also was more than that, I think. "Oh, little one. How boldly you share your love. Have I taught you nothing?"
"Well, it's not as if you've made this particular friendship easy on me," I then grumbled. Morrigan laughed again, this time harder. My body vibrated with each movement of her torso and I felt the dawn of a smile begin to form, though she soon fell quiet as if the joke had been cut short.
"I… feel the same as you do, Lyna," she said with gentleness. "You will always be with me, no matter how far or long my endeavors may separate us. I promise this to you… if it is any consolation at all."
She cared. I knew she cared. Everybody knows she cared. But, hearing her actually say the words…
More tears came.
Morrigan waited patiently until the sobs had subsided. My face was sticky and my fingers were coated with the salt water that trickled down each cheek. Maybe it was a good thing Alistair wasn't here to see this.
"Sweet Andraste," I suddenly growled. "The one instance I get a boyfriend and you have to sleep with him. Typical."
Morrigan's face whipped around to see me, and then that was it. I don't know who laughed first, but the two of us were soon hunched over and cackling with unabashed glee at my lame attempt of a joke. Tears were soon forming in my eyes again, though they were entirely welcome this time.
"Honestly, Morrigan… you are without a doubt… the worst friend I have ever had," I managed out through a new string of giggles.
Morrigan snorted and and ran a few fingers through her disheveled hair. "I do not doubt that," she snickered darkly. "Still… you could have done much worse than that templar fool. Not that I approve, of course - I still think he is an inferior oaf, by any standards."
Perhaps I shouldn't have laughed at her careless review of my Warden beau, but I did anyway.
When the giggles subsided into chuckles, I relaxed myself into the mattress once more and felt its soft contours adjust to my tired frame. If anything, I was warm now, and despite my blatant exhaustion… I felt sort of serene.
"Can I ask you something, Morrigan?" She lowered her gaze once more onto my sleepy face.
"'Tis as good a time as any."
I swallowed contentedly and propped myself up from her shoulder so that I was looking at her. "The ritual took place hours ago. Are you… pregnant? At this given moment, I mean."
The lingering smirk plastered onto Morrigan's face vanished at once. "I felt the spell's effects as soon as it happened. The answer to your question… is yes. I am with child."
It was just as I suspected. I nodded in understanding and did my best to ignore her scrutinizing the rest of my reaction. What else was there to say?
Congratulations?
"You're lucky," I responded softly. "I would do anything… but the taint won't allow it. I… can't."
Without meeting her pointed gaze, I pressed a hesitant fingertip to where the bed's blanket covered her stomach and marveled at the flatness there. It was… hard to imagine, at least. Hard to imagine that a mini-Alistair had already taken life. When I was done with these thoughts, I allowed a tiny smile to perforate my lips as I gazed up at her again. She looked wary, though the tense lines from before hadn't come back to blacken her mouth.
"You're not going to hurt him are you?"
Morrigan arched an eyebrow at me, but I was serious. "I presume you are referring to the baby? What if he is a she?"
My heart squeezed painfully at the thought of Alistair holding hands with the little blonde girl that was to be his daughter. The agony that gripped me was almost enough to knock me speechless, but I persisted after a moment's hesitation.
"I meant the baby… yes. But, Morrigan? Promise me you'll love him. Promise me you won't ever abandon or compromise your duties as his mother. Promise me that you will provide for him. Promise me he will grow up strong and happy and will never know what it it feels like to be unwanted, as you felt. I need this consolation more than anything, Morrigan. Promise me these things and I will make sure that no one will ever come looking for you both as long as I am alive."
It was a weighted speech, but I meant every word of it. My love for this baby was already so tangible, and I felt a concreteness settle into my bones while Morrigan searched for an answer. She looked surprised if nothing else, and I truly hoped that whatever it is she saw on my face resonated with her the same way it had with me.
I almost pressed for an answer, but then Morrigan nodded in earnest and I breathed a little easier for it.
"I do. I promise, little one. No harm will come to the child."
Thank the Maker.
"Thank you, Morrigan. Now… let's just hope that you won't ever find the inspiration to come back one day and usurp Anora's throne with the help of our little friend, here."
I couldn't keep the grin off my face as Morrigan smirked in approval. "Should the urge ever strike me, I assure you that the boy will be well-educated and powerful and also at my side, of course."
"Strangely, I find that rather enticing."
Our priggish smiles widened into full-brown sneers at the mention of the future queen.
"The battle 'twould surely be interesting enough."
"I agree. The look on her face as you stormed the castle gates would be enough to keep the darkspawn away for years."
"So much for the Grey Wardens then."
"Maker. The bitch even took my job away. Is there anything she can't do?"
I thought we would never stop laughing after that.