A/N: This is based on a skit I did on 01/08/05 with friends from my acting company. Don't ask where we came up with this. It was HARDLY "ACT Appropriate", especially a certain part…you'll see. But we got away with it! Enjoy!

"You know, I really don't like how things are going with your new boyfriend."

Pippin Took crossed his arms and glared back at his cousin, Merry Brandybuck. "And why is that?"

"I just don't think he's right for you. And – " Merry brought something out from behind his back. "I found this under your bed!"

Pippin gasped.

"It's a wizard's hat!" Merry continued accusingly, brandishing it in Pippin's face. "It's got stars on it! And fake mouse ears!"

Pippin snatched the hat away from his older cousin. "Give me that! It's none of your business!"

"So what do you do with this?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

"He's just not right for you!" Merry leaned against a tree. "You need someone else…someone like me!"

Before Pippin could respond, there came a loud crash from somewhere nearby. The two hobbits looked on in fright as a hunched figure hobbled over to where they were standing.

"Oh my god!" Merry shrieked. "It's Gollum, back from the dead!"

"What could he want?" Pippin said, clinging to his cousin.

Gollum hobbled over closer to the two hobbits, until he was less than a foot away. He hissed, "Where is Frodo Baggins?"

"W-we don't know!" Pippin stammered.

Gollum looked them over, and then scampered off, leaving the two hobbits astonished.

"W-what could Gollum want with Frodo?" Merry wondered.

"I don't know," Pippin said, "but we should warn him!"

The two ran off to Bag End as fast as their little hobbit feet could carry them, and burst into the door. Sam was there with Frodo. The two, surprised, jumped to their feet quickly just as something white sprayed all over Frodo.

"M-Merry! Pippin!" Frodo attempted to brush himself off, placing one hand on a hip. "What are you doing here?"

"Gollum's coming! For you!"

Frodo's eyebrows knit together. "Me? What could he want with me?"

"Well, I think he has a bit of a thing for you, Frodo."

"Really, Merry? You think so?"

Sam's face contorted with anger. "What?! No! Oooh, NO! Bring him on! BRING HIM ON!"

At that moment, Gollum rushed into Bag End, brandishing a Light Saber. Sam pulled one out of seemingly nowhere, and charged Gollum.

"Me wants Frodo Baggins – my precious!" Gollum screamed.

"NO!"

The Light Sabers met once – twice – and Sam drew back, shaking his head.

"I can't do it. Frodo…I have something to confess." Frodo looked on in horror as Sam dropped his Light Saber and put an arm around Gollum. "Frodo, the truth is…Gollum here is the man for me."

Sam and Gollum left Bag End, never to be seen again. Merry and Pippin glanced at each other, utterly confused, as Frodo gathered up a few things and stomped out the door, crying.

"I'M GOING BACK TO THE GRAY HAVENS!"

The door slammed.

Merry and Pippin stood there for a few seconds, silent. Then Merry looked down at the hat still held in his hand, and grinned at his cousin.

"So, Pippin, you like using this hat?"

A/N: oO; Buahaha, me and my friends are sick, yes? Guess who I was when we did that skit? Yeah, I was Frodo. My friend Isaac was Sam, and he kept bugging me until he convinced me to do this – I sat down on a bench and he stood in front of me. Then, when 'Merry and Pippin' (Becky and Joan) burst in, he threw a ripped up napkin in my face. Of course everyone knew what that was symbolic of…oo But it was just…uh…okay enough for us to get away with it. Hehehe.