Note: My first experiment with writing in the first person. I've tried a couple of times, but failed miserably ;.
Japanese used in this fic:
Gomen Nasai: I am (very) sorry
Arigatou: Thank you
Ashiteru: I love you
Ja ne: See you later/Good bye (colloquial)
This was a one-shot, originally written for AriasInk's Songless Songfic Challenge. Object of the story? Try to guess what song it was based on!
-:-
Title: Embracing the Rain
Author: Amethyst-Heart
Rated: PG-13
-:-
Rain. It pelted the cold, stone cement rapidly, beating against the ground like wildfire. Thick, bulky clouds assembled above, each a shade of charcoal, hindering the radiant light of the moon glittering overhead. I could feel the leaves, each a shade of autumn, fluttering about me, mingling with the frosty breeze. Every day seemed bleak; the word's every definition never failing to personify my mood.
The world around me appeared to still as I sat down routinely on the forest-green bench. Thick algae and moss clung to its legs tightly, concealing bare wood that had not been painted in years. The crumbling old house on the corner seemed to be just as out of shape, stained white shutters falling to the ground, cracked and in several pieces. It was an area in town no longer acknowledged--barren and desolate.
Yet, for some reason, every time heaven's waters poured onto the earth, I found my feet taking me here, my body finding its place on this very bench, embracing the drops as they fell against my face. It was a part of me I refused to give up, a habit I never wanted to break.
I suppose it may sound crazy, probably the most ludicrous thing anyone on the planet had ever heard of, but... It was my way of holding onto a piece of her. Despite what society had to say, I couldn't let her go.
Not after that one night so many years ago, an evening that had changed my life forever.
"Mamoru? Man, you have to get your head out of the clouds and down to Planet Earth again. What are you doing anyway? Trying to get out of writing that English paper for class, hmm?"
I rolled my eyes at the teasing blonde, wanting nothing more than to wipe that smirk off his face. "Har, har, Motoki. I was just thinking. I can assure you that my English assignment is well taken care of."
He just gave me the oddest look: a combination of a half-raised eyebrow and a sneer. I sighed, shaking my head as my fingers took hold of a coffee mug nearby, placed conveniently on the counter. As I drank the warm beverage, the doors chimed behind me, a group of blathering girls walking in, laughter permeating with the cool October breeze. My eyes strayed to the far-right booth, a smile immediately behind the cup I was drinking as I caught sight of a pair of perfectly round, golden odango.
I knew I shouldn't have said a word, that it was probably better for me to have forgotten her presence and carried on with my coffee, but there was something about her that riled me up inside. Something that made my heart cavort violently in my chest, making me incredibly aware of her presence. I couldn't help myself; I had to talk to her. So, before Motoki could cajole me out of it, the mug was left abandoned and my body found itself before her within six strides.
"Oi, Odango Atama."
She looked up from her group, her Lapis Lazuli orbs gazing straight at me. It was then that I noticed that something was wrong. Her eyes were bloodshot, irises appearing faded. Something had battered and bruised her once-lively cheeks, scratches clearly displayed where they weren't meant to be. Judging from the silver scar beneath her lip and the fatigue evident in her face, I knew that something had happened to her. Something had hurt her.
"Usagi? Are you alright?"
She sighed, nodding slightly as she returned to the chattering girls amongst her. Watching as she managed a weak smile, I took a look around her, finally noticing that the girls around her weren't the same. I couldn't recognize a single one, the usual four not surrounding her.
Strange, I thought. They seemed to stick to each other like glue, all for one and one for all. Why on earth would they leave her now?
"Mamoru, what in the name of Kami are you doing?" Motoki was now ogling me like I had grown two heads, his eyes bulging so wide it looked like they'd fall out any second.
Ignoring him completely, I turned back to the girl, her face completely stolid, my hands reaching out for her slim wrist. I could feel my teeth grit in fury as I jerked her up from her seat, my eyes blazing anger. "Usagi, who did this to you?"
She didn't answer right away, her eyes focusing on the checkered tiles of the arcade, but despite her position, the solitary tear dribbling down her cheek did not escape me. She wriggled out of my grasp, hand now balling into a fist. "Leave me alone, Mamoru-baka. I don't need this from you."
Leaving the gaping girls and the concerned arcade owner, she sprinted out of the building, loose tendrils streaming close behind.
Before I could help myself, I was jolting out the arcade doors, stalking right after the fleeing rabbit.
-:-
I can't remember how long I stood there, crouched behind a withering rose bush, but I do remember following the blonde to a small town, a quiet street near the local park. She sat down on a bench at the corner, her eyes fixed on the lake nearby, watching as the waters flowed with the breeze. She held something in her hand, a locket with an engraved crescent moon at its center, her hands fumbling with it as she looked out onto the terrain.
"Why had she chosen me, of all people? Why did she place this responsibility on me?" Tears were rolling down her face like miniscule rivers, not a single whimper leaving her lips. "Gomen nasai," she muttered, "gomen nasai. All I've ever been is a failure, a disappointment and a waste of life. It should have been me." She was beyond simply crying now, her fists clenched so tightly I could almost see her veins. "It should have been me."
Something inside of me stirred at the sound of her muffled sobs, her head dejectedly hidden by the showers as she attempted to hide it. She looked so much like a crestfallen angel, straight from the heavens above, lamenting for the world's greatest melancholy. But even I knew that angels weren't meant to cry.
"Odango, what are you doing here?"
She looked up at me, her face now entirely wet, even more inflamed than it had been moments ago. Reaching into my pocket for a handkerchief, I wiped her tears away, finding a seat beside her on the willow-green bench.
"Tell me, Usagi, what's wrong?"
We sat in silence for minutes, one soon becoming ten, and neither of us wished to disrupt it. There were meadows and fields all around us, a freshly polished house across the street in an area that I had never been to before. Houses of equal size and color surrounded it on both sides and with the sun blazing its light overhead, I could have sworn that it was the most tranquil place I had ever seen.
"Mamoru-san, have you ever felt like you were alone?" her small voice squeaked, her eyes still hidden from view.
I could feel a lump form in my throat, my eyes widening beyond belief. Never in a thousand years would I have guessed that Tsukino Usagi, "Princess of All Things Happy" was lonely.
"Never mind," she muttered, "It was a stupid question anyway. You know me, stupid Usagi. Can't-Do-Anything-Right Odango." Laughing at her own sarcasm, she leaned her head on the side of the bench. "That's all I'll ever be, right? Nothing but a dumb little Odango Atama." She turned to look at me, searching for something I couldn't place. Sighing when she obviously hadn't found it, she got up and scurried to the house across the street. "Sorry for wasting your time, Mamoru-san. Ja ne."
I sat there for hours, my eyes fixed on that very building, scanning for a mere sight of her. I'm not sure what I was doing or what I was even looking for, but I recall wanting to see her again, beaming, carefree, and everything she hadn't been today. I had to see her smile, needed a chance to chase her sorrows away. But before I had any such luck, thunder trumpeted in the sky, the beginnings of an intense thunderstorm. Throwing the window a cursory glance, I searched for her again. Fruitless once more, my body abandoned the bench and retreated for home.
The image of her, forlorn and heart sore, followed behind.
-:-
"Mamoru-san, have you ever felt like you were alone?"
I couldn't get her voice out of my head the rest of the day. The scenario played inside my head repetitively, every word she had uttered just moments ago clearly in my mind.
"You know me, stupid Usagi. Can't-Do-Anything-Right Odango. All I'll ever be... Nothing but a dumb little Odango Atama."
My head was throbbing like crazy. Something hard pounded inside of me, urging me to do something. I knew that something was bothering her, something that had finally taken away the utopia she viewed this horrid world as. But I was a young, idiotic baka at the time, so I ignored the instinct. Instead, I tried to concentrate on the blank computer screen before me, drifting my attention into typing yet another dull essay.
Someone pounded on the door impatiently, until finally turning the knob to realize it was open. "Mamoru, have you seen Usagi?" Motoki looked absolutely horrible, hair strewn all over the place, completely soaked from the current downpour.
"What do you mean? I saw her walk into her house just five hours ago."
He sighed, taking a sip out of his satiated cup of coffee while handing me its twin. "Her parents called me about an hour ago, something about her escaping through her window to go off somewhere. She didn't tell them anything, and every time one of us called any of her friends, all we'd get is the answering machine. I was hoping you would know, since you were with her last."
"Me?" I stared at him incredulously. What the hell would I want with a... I blinked. How old was she now anyway? Fourteen? No, that had been years ago. Sixteen, that had to be it. "She's sixteen, Motoki. And we're not even friends. Why would I know where she is?"
He laughed, chortled riotously. "Eighteen, man. You guys have had your lover's quarrels for four years now. Pathetic, I know. But that's your own fault."
Glaring at him, I grabbed my
jacket and ran out into the storm, Motoki close on my trail. Usagi was
in trouble, and something told me that I had to help her.
-:-
Cold, alone, and in the doldrums. That was exactly how I found her, this time in front of a secluded fountain, hidden in the trees behind that fresh polished fence. I never understood how I knew where she was or how I had made my way back there again, but when I saw her, staring out into the water as if she wished to drown, I could feel my heart slowly breaking. Her hair was no longer in its traditional style, her body clad in a thin shirt and jeans. Tears stained her porcelain skin as she sat down on the edge of the fountain, head hung low once again.
"How did you find me?" she finally asked, refusing to meet my gaze.
"Usagi, what's been going on with you? You're usually so happy, and now.." Maybe I shouldn't have said a word because as soon as anything left my mouth, she began to sob, the same way she had been hours ago.
"I miss them," she finally said. "Rei, Minako, Mako, Ami... They always stood by me no matter how much I embarrassed them. Even after all that, we were the best of friends. I always knew that I needed them, that I needed someone to survive, but... When they needed me, I wasn't able to help. I wasn't strong enough and now..."
To say I was baffled was an understatement. What in the world had happened to Rei and the others? And why was she blaming herself for this. "Gomen ne, Usa. I don't understand."
Her tensed shoulders finally began to ease and she leaned against me, her head finding its place on my shoulder. Caught up in the moment, my arm wrapped itself around her, holding her securely as she coughed up another urge to cry. "We were attacked just days ago, and I couldn't save them."
My ears perked up, my jaw twitching as I resisted the urge to hunt down anything that had hurt her. We may not have been friends, but even I knew that Usagi never deserved anything like that.
"That youma," she whispered, "It took their lives... And I couldn't stop it."
Gathering her up in my arms, I attempted to hush her cries. Usagi had always been an enigma to me, beautiful, charming, and incredibly happy. I never could understand how someone like her could find peace in this messed up world, make sense of its shattering pieces. Yet, no matter how hard I teased her, how much she messed up, she was always back on her feet, smiling, giggling, and completely happy. But even I knew that losing someone you loved could break a person. No matter how strong the person may be.
That evening as the midnight sky sprawled across the horizon, we found a bit of solace in each other. She confided in me, filling me in on some of her insecurities, and I told her stories of my own, some of my own experiences, fears. I suppose sharing secrets with the enemy isn't such a smart idea, but Tsukino Usagi had never been my arch nemesis. She was something of a potential rival, someone I envied too much for my own good... Only to discover that she was human and real, and that the two of us weren't as opposite as I had imagined. By the end of another three hours, I had won a smile, an embrace, and what I hoped to be the start of some new friendship. Walking her to the door, my lips pressed against her forehead and I bid her farewell.
The
rest of the night, a distant smile remained plastered on my face, and
as I slept, I could hear Motoki blubbering, "It must be love"
-:-
The rain seemed to ease the rest of the week, the skies clearing until they were once again the vibrant blue. Sunlight scattered overhead and butterflies basked in the warmth. To celebrate the new radiance, every morning and afternoon Usa and I met at the designated bench. We would spend hours to no end talking about everything and anything, from the weather to the course of the day. I have to confess, it was really nice to see her smile again.
"Mamoru-chan?"
"Yes, Usa?" I grinned at the new name. It really was a pleasant change from our previous "Odango VS. Baka" arrangement.
"Did you ever wish that you could capture a moment? Stay within it as life passed you by like a fleeting dream?"
Chuckling at her innocence, I nodded. "Of course, Odango. You and me, this bench and the drizzling around us. This is one moment I never wish to forget."
She laughed at my silliness, her slim fingers reaching out for my callous hand. Pulling me up with all the strength she could muster, she guided me into a twirl, spinning and frolicking as the light drops fell against us. I threw my head back and laughed, whirling with her on the fresh cut grass.
I couldn't remember a single moment in my life where I had felt so animated, so alive that I wanted nothing more to do than to stay there, in that time and place where all seemed right in the world. I knew that one week was too fast for a person to go from misunderstanding each other to friends, but the emotions were overwhelming. Something about her just made my heart stop and flip faster than a dolphin in water. Every single day we spent together, I couldn't help but grow attached to her. I wanted nothing more than to see her happy, as a ray of sunshine in a world of darkness.
I should have known. Idle bliss was only a mere illusion of life.
-:-
Another cold night indicating that winter was on its way. Trees were now completely bare, every leaf fluttering with the wind. Spending the night as usual, with my laptop in hand, I spent the evening typing yet another project for a professor, this one being a lab report. Taking a sip of the hot cocoa, I chuckled. Usa seemed to have rub off on me. I hadn't had my habitual coffee in ages.
A frosty breeze blew into the bedroom and I could feel something tapping against the windows of the apartment. Which had to be insane considering I lived on the highest floor of the apartment building. Curious, I tiptoed to the balcony, eying it incredulously. I didn't really expect to find anything there, so one could only imagine how shocked I was when I got there.
" Usa?"
There she was, once again dressed as if it was the midst of spring instead of autumn. Instinctively, I reached for the olive green blazer, securing it around her arms. She muttered a small thank you, making her way into the apartment. I gave her a cup of the warm chocolate beverage, seating her in the living room. Sliding beside her, I offered her a smile, hoping it had some sort of effect on her. She leaned her head against my shoulder, closing her eyes as her lips released a weary sigh. I wanted to help her, to question her, to ask her how in the world she got on my balcony, but watching her, so tired and cold, I was unable to do a thing. All she seemed to want from me was a shoulder to lean on, and well... I didn't mind at all. I'd kill in a heartbeat just to get a smile out of her.
"Gomen ne, Mamoru-chan. I know you're probably really busy and all I ever do is impose on you, but... I really needed to talk to someone."
"It's okay, Usa. You know I'll always be there for you. No problem. Just tell me what it is and I'll see what I can do."
She looked away, her eyes trying to hide something from me. Sucking in a deep breath, her gaze met mine again. "Were you ever given a responsibility that you knew you couldn't handle? You know, when you feel that destiny has so much planned out for you that it just wants you to grow up so fast?"
Responsibility? The only thing I could even think that fit the description would be... Tuxedo Kamen. That was something I had never asked to be. Yet, somewhere inside of me, I knew that it was a duty of mine. Like she had said--destiny. Staring out into her cerulean blue eyes, I began to wonder. Could Usa have a responsibility like that? Like I did? Like Sailor Moon? My eyes almost burst out at that thought. Tsukino Usagi as Sailor Moon? That would have to be the most insane thought I had had that night. Sailor Moon was a warrior. She could handle the fights, the weapons, the youma. She was a heroine, and although Usagi was one of the sweetest girls I knew, I couldn't picture her as a senshi. Slowly, I smiled at her. "Yeah, I guess I know what you're saying."
She looked at me. "You do? You know what it's like to risk your life every day just to save a bunch of people you don't even know? You know how it is to lead a group of people into a battle only to watch them fail helplessly, knowing that if it had been you, you would've been dead years ago? You can imagine the pain I go through daily, watching as a group of idiots terrorize the city--all because they want to kill me? I've got a responsibility to this city, a duty I never asked for. And why? Because I can wave around some magic wand and throw a tiara in the air?"
I knew my mouth was wide open at that comment. A tiara? A magic wand? It was as if she was trying to tell me that she was...
"I never asked to be Sailor Moon," she admitted. "I'm no good for the job, I can't even walk and breathe at the same time let alone save the world!"
She buried her head in my arms, tears now falling freely down her face. I wanted nothing more than to ease her fears away once again, but this time... It was different. Usagi, Tsukino Usagi was Sailor Moon, the Champion of Justice! I tried to comfort her, to help her, to tell her that everything would be fine. But I knew that they were just empty words.
"I was at the park again, and there was this attack. A five-year-old kid and a toddler--both attacked by youma. I tried to save them, I really did. But it happened just like it did just a few weeks ago. When the Scouts, Rei and Mako and the others... When they died. I wanted so much to save them, and I really did try. But it happened so fast. First they trap me so I can't do a thing, and then, slowly, I see them die right before my eyes." Her tears blurred her vision, head now openly sobbing against my chest. "Luna and Artemis died with them, and now, I've got no one. Next thing I know, they'll get you too."
I kissed her forehead, trying to ease some of the aches she felt. All that time that I had spent with her, she had been hiding this burden all along. She blamed herself for this, felt that it was completely her fault. Her responsibility. And she had failed. "They can't have me, Usa. I won't let them. I promise you, I'll always be there for you."
She looked up at me, offering me a weak smile. "Arigatou, Mamoru-chan." Wrapping her arms around me, she rested her eyes.
I
should have told her I was Tuxedo Kamen right then and there, shared my
alternate identity like she shared hers. But as I had already
mentioned, I was a baka, a complete, undeniable baka, too caught up in
the moment to say a word.
-:-
After that night, I rarely ran into her again. I didn't think it was something to worry about at the time, assuming that perhaps she had found some new friends to occupy her time. Something to take her mind off of everything that had been going on recently. Grabbing a quick cup of coffee from the arcade (a guy's got to have his coffee sometime!), I decided to walk to the bench in hopes of catching a glimpse of her. As I walked there, I could feel the storm clouds gather once again, grouping before they had their ritualistic downpour. Maybe the rain was a sign of something, an indication that something bad was going to happen, but I really couldn't care less. Something inside of me told me to go to her, to see her... Why? I had no clue, but over the last few weeks, Usa had become an important part of my life. I felt that I had to protect her, live up to the name my parents had given me.
When I got there, thunder echoed violently, lightning streaking the trees. I couldn't see much of anything due to the fog, but I sat down there anyway, waiting for her. It was then that I noticed the decrepit house, standing in the place of the once beautifully polished one Usagi had walked into every day of her life. Windows were cracked and thrown about, nothing but a void hole where the door once was. Everything was a mess, like it had been the center of some huge hurricane. Something ached in my heart, leading me into the disintegrating building. Not knowing why, I followed the instinct, only to see the Warrior of Love and Justice, injured beyond comprehension, sprawled on the ground amongst broken luxuries. Within her hands lay a little boy, blood completely smothering his form, not one breath leaving his lips.
" Usa."
She looked up at me immediately, holding the boy to her breast as she stifled a sob. I wanted nothing more than to kill myself at that moment. She had been in battle once again, only to lose another innocent life. And I, where had I been? At the arcade getting a cup of coffee. Baka didn't even describe me anymore. I was Tuxedo Kamen, Protector of Sailor Moon. And I had let her down yet again. "Gomen nasai, Usa. Gomen nasai."
She shook her head, a cynical smile on her lips. "I can't run to you for every problem I have. I have to be strong." Her head hung low and she struggled to conceal the escaping teardrops. "That's what they all used to say. Be strong. But how much can a person take? How much?" She held the corpses close to her, saying her departing wishes to her family before she gave them a proper burial. I wanted to tell her then that I should have been there, that if maybe Tuxedo Kamen was there, he could have helped. But I knew that she didn't want to hear it. Instead, I stood by her side, watching as she feigned bravery for my account.
I
was a coward, a plain, asinine coward. Yet, I couldn't utter a single
word as I watched her, stronger than she had ever been, walk through
the remains of her home. She looked like she had gone to hell and back
and yet, all I could do was gawk at her.
-:-
I don't know when I left her, or why I even did, but thinking back now, the entire thing had been a mistake. Completely my fault. Walking in the midst of the night, heading in the direction of my apartment, I noticed that the weather had eased yet again. It had been raining consistently lately, and seeing the clarity of the skied had calmed me. Of course, if I had looked closely, I would have seen the moon's foreboding glow, the clouds cuddling up in the corner of the thick, murky skies. The storm preparing to smother me whole.
I had been strolling through a quiet street, almost passed that bridge before the complex, when I noticed something odd in the waters. I figured I should check it out, just to make sure everything was okay. That was when I saw it, the most horrid creature I had ever laid eyes on. Flaming hair, devilish green eyes. I hadn't fought a youma in ages and Usa had been taking the blow to heart. I knew it was my fault, that I should have done something earlier. So, deciding that this was my repentance, I reached into the pocket of my blazer for the glittering red rose. However, before I got far, I found myself mincemeat within the giant's little hands, its eyes hungrily landing upon my head.
I should have known then and there to get on with the transformation, shoot the damn rose, and be on my merry way, but I took the blow to the male ego. Prepared to make this guy learn its lesson, one for messing with me, and two for driving Usa to the brink of insanity, I attempted to struggle out of its grasp. Before I could nail a single punch and take the time to transform, a golden tiara flung through the air, knocking the youma off guard. Another strike on my part. I had brought Sailor Moon into the scene.
"Mamoru-chan, get out of here," she demanded, her face completely dispassionate as she managed the most ruthless glare I had ever seen. "I have had enough of this guy; I'm taking care of him for good."
I didn't want to listen, I felt an obligation to stand by her, the need to assure her safety. But she was as stubborn as a mule as she stood there, her pose more gallant and brave than I had ever witnessed, so I stepped aside, nearby in case she could use a hand.
That was when it happened. Sailor Moon flung herself, with the tiara and wand, toward the youma, looking more determined than I had ever seen her. Her hands reached out to cradle the scintillating brooch, eyes closed as she uttered the three words that would change my life forever.
"Moon Prism Power!"
I saw nothing but a bright, golden light spreading across the terrain. The creature that had once stood there, tall and mighty, had finally disappeared, and in its place stood Usa. She was lying on the ground, her hair completely disarrayed, body burned fiercer than I had ever seen. She struggled to open her eyes, the first genuine smile I had ever seen on her lips as she leaned her head against me. "Arigatou, Mamo-chan. For believing in me."
I stared at her, my mouth now completely agape, struggling to find the words I knew I should probably say. She pushed herself upright with all the strength she could muster and pressed her lips to my cheek. "Ja ne, Mamo-chan. Ashiteru." And with those words, her eyes finally closed, breathing growing shallower with every passing second. She was fading on me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
In the past fifteen years, I hadn't shed a single tear. Not when I was fired, not when I received my first failing grade ever, and definitely not when I left the orphanage. But, as I watched her whisper her final words to me, I knew I couldn't stop them from dribbling down my cheeks. I stood there for hours, holding her body tightly amidst my arms, wanting to hold onto her as long as I possibly could. The rain gushed down on both of us, blood mingling with tears and water, thunder bellowing overhead.
:-
Now, watching nature's drops surge onto the earth so many years later, I remembered her. The wind echoed with her laughter, whirling around me as she had done one carefree day on the grass. The clouds, despite the gloom they brought, imitated her smile, beautiful, serene, and enough to highlight even the glummest of days. Sitting down on the bench we had shared time after time again, I smiled halfheartedly, breathing in her fresh rosy scent. She was everywhere, stalking me in the coldest of nights, haunting me in my dreams.
I knew life didn't have much planned for me in the future, that my punishment for my youth was to spend each day as a ghost stuck in some man's body, but my time to join her still had not come. Until destiny felt it necessary for us to meet, until fate decided to finally let us be, I would wait there, sitting on that rickety green bench.
Embracing the rain as she danced around me.
-:-
Author's Notes: First
time I ever finished anything in my life. What do you think? Can
you guess the lyrics to the song? Is there something that I should
seriously work on to improve me writing? Feedback is well appreciated
;).
For those who want to know, the song that inspired me was "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon5. (Originally had the lyrics posted, but FFN has asked them to be removed (ugh), so they no longer will be found here. If you're familiar with the song, hopefully, you can tell me that this fic followed it pretty well. Thanks for reading!