Nihao! Surprise, this is really Shikoku, not Steel. I'm being evil and uploading a story for her. :) We wrote this for an old SM RPG group we belonged to, and thought it was funny enough to stand alone as a story.
This story takes place while the senshi are in college, and the inners are dating the four negaverse/dark kingdomgenerals.(Don't ask me how the generals got here, I don't know. :P)
Anyway, the characters belong to Naoko-san. I'm sorry about this...
AN ARTEMIS MOMENT
By Steel and Shikoku
Artemis decided he wanted to be Simon on American Idol.
After weeks of watching the foreign series, he realised that he could
easily handle Simon's job. After all, he watched enough idol
competitions because of Minako's constantly dragging him along on her
auditions, to be able to tell the difference between someone with
talent and someone who is tone deaf.
He thought he'd be good at coming up with a good insult to tear the
heart out of the losers, too.
He just wondered if they'd let a cat be on the judging panel.
Unfortunately, that threw Artemis back into the depression that he
had started watching American Idol to distract himself from.
He sighed and slumped down on Minako's comforter, resting his chin on
his crossed front paws. Being a cat sucked. Especially since coming
to college with Minako. Always being stuck in her dorm room, never
being able to move about freely on his own less being caught by one
of the teachers or whatever, he hadn't even been able to visit Luna
by himself!
He'd barely even realized it was winter.
So Artemis changed the channel to the anime network, deciding being a
couch potato was better than pouting in a constant state of
depression.
Besides watching scantily clad school girls run around always cheered
him up. But instead, he fell asleep.
Unfortunatelyhe hadvery troubled dreams
as all the stress and frustrations he had been feeling since.. well,
for a very long time now, seemed to hit him all at once. He dreamed
he was in the cat carrier rolling back and forth in the
backseat of Minako's car. He dreamed that he and Luna were frozen as
they watched the girls go off to fight alone again.
"Noooo!" he shouted to them in his dream, reaching a paw out to
fruitlessly try and bring them back. Why, oh why could he never be
there when they needed him? Why couldn't he ever go along and make
sure the senshi were all right? Because he was a cat. That's why. Oh,
if only he were human! Then he could go off and fight with the girls,
then he could properly watch over Mina and make sure she was safe!
Minako. His dreams turned to her with Kunzite. If he was human, maybe
Mina would finally see him as something more than a pet..
Then he dreamed about Luna whapping him. Maybe if he was human, Luna
wouldn't be so violent with him..
If he could be a human, a human, yes, that would solve all of his
problems.. Oh why couldn't he be human?
He started rolling around, enough to finally fall off the
bed. With a loud THUMP! he fell on the floor, on his head.
"OWIE!" Artemis jumped up on his hind legs and started grabbing his
head and hopping around. "Owe owe! Owe! owe! My head!" He then stood
up straight and bonked his head on the ceiling. "Ow ow ow!" His hands
dug into his hair.
Suddenly he blinked. Hands? He looked down at himself.
He had HANDS! "Oh, my stars and garters!" he cried, staring at his
hands. He started dancing around in his excitement! He had hands! And
feet! Oh joy! "I'm a human! I'm a human! I'm a human! I'm a human!
Oh wonder of wonders! Miracle of Miracles!" But before he could break
into song, he caught a look at himself in Mina's full length mirror.
"Ack! I'm a dork!" he cried. "And badly dressed too!" As a human he
had extremely long, white hair. Too long, he mused. He looked like a
girl. And his clothes which he had worn during the Silver Millennium
were completely out of style, and a bit... too much. If he were to go
outside (which he fully intended to do) he'd surely stick out and
have everybody staring at him.
And with that thought secured in his mind, he slipped out of Minako's
room and snuck his way to Kunzite's room. Since they were roughly the
same size now, he should easily be able to fit into the tall
general's clothing.
Small problem though. The General and theShingo's room was locked.
Well, he'd just have to pick the lock with his claw then. It was a
rather simple task, after all, he'd been picking the lock on Minako's
diary for years.
He tried jamming his fingernail into the lock, but found that it
wasn't as effective as his claw.. plus it hurt. More hopping and
owing from Artemis. Damn human nails were too short! Sucking on his
sore finger, he contemplated his options. Well... he was bigger now..
Maybe he could beat the door down. But that would surely awaken
someone. Hmmm.. He sat down in the middle of the hall to think some
more.
A few passers-by gave him odd looks, but being FAR too deep in
thought, he didn't notice. "How do I get inside a locked door?" he
wondered out loud. It was certainly a dilemma.
"Aaauuuggghhh! I can't think of a way!" he cried, burying his hands
in his hair in anguish. "I have to do something though.. I mean, my
belly button is showing and my bangs look like Usagi's!" He wailed
some more. "Damn.. I guess being human has some drawbacks after
all.." he muttered, resting his chin in his hand, with his elbow on
his knee.
He, was distracted for a second when he mused how cool it was he
could actually rest his chin in his hand and put his elbow on a knee.
Heck, he liked having elbows. "Hee hee.. elbows.." Wait, he had to be
serious! He was currently a fashion risk waiting to happen. Every
second that passed, he expected the Fashion Police that Minako always
talked about, to jump out of the woodwork and arrest him for wearing
tacky clothing.
He was beginning to panic just thinking about being dragged on a TV
show where they criticized what he was wearing, then burned all his
clothes.. only he didn't HAVE any other clothing than what he was
wearing, so he'd probably end up being naked on national TV, and that
was a bad thing cause he wasn't sure if he was hot or not by human
terms, and he didn't want to be naked if it turned out he was ugly
and would make some poor kids in the audience go blind.
So he just HAD to get into Kunzite's room! But how? Then something
occurred to him and he stood up. Reaching out, he turned the doorknob
and it opened! Hurray! It was unlocked after all! But why would
Kunzite leave his door unlocked? Oh well, no matter. And so, having
gained entry to the dorm room, Artemis slipped in and started digging
through the closet.
"Hee hee, what to wear what to wear?" He said throwing random clothes
out of the closet as he searched. "Hey, this looks nice.." He tried
on a green shirt, which ripped down the side since he was a bit too
muscular for it. It probably didn't help that he was actually in
Shingo's closet. Maybe he should try the dresser instead..
So Artemis stepped out of the closet as he tried to pry off the
extremely tight shirt. It ripped down the other side as he yanked it
off. Oooopies.. Well, he'll worry about that later. Now he needed to
dig through Kunzite's things!
Clothes were flung all over the room as he searched for something
decent... whatever that was..
"Hey, neato! A leather jacket! I've always wanted to try one of
these!" He shucked off all his clothes to put the jacket on. Then he
admired himself in the mirror.
"Hey, I look GOOD!" He grinned and started posing. "Wow.. Look at
that! I'm a lot bigger as a human!" He wiggled his hips. "Woooo..
dangly.. You can really see it without the fur in the way." he
marveled. "Though there IS still hair on it, it's not that bad.." He
wiggled himself more. "But I suppose I should find some pants, after
all, you don't see many other men who only wear jackets.." He
paused. "Except in that magazine Minako keeps under her mattress.. But
I'm not sure I wanna be like THOSE guys.." He still wondered about
her idea of reading material.
He started digging around in the drawer again and found a pair of
boxer shorts. "Huh.. I wonder what these could be... Some kind of hat
maybe..?" He put them over his head and peeked out the flap. "Odd.. I
didn't know hats had holes in the front.. Some kind of new fad I'll
bet.."
He dug through the drawer some more then found some socks. "Paw
warmers!" he cried, happily. "No.. HAND warmers!" he corrected
himself, feeling more and more human. He happily slipped them onto
his hands. "Ahhh.. now my hands are all warm and toasty!" He briefly
wondered why Minako didn't wear clothes like he did, then came to the
conclusion that he had better fashion sense than her. He checked
himself out the mirror again. Damn he was hot.
His butt was still freezing though, so he decided to add more
clothing, which didn't work, he was STILL cold! Something was
definitely missing.. Hmm...
He decided to just keep putting on clothes until he wasn't cold
anymore. Eventually he had four pairs of boxers on his head, six
shirts on over his jacket and eight pairs of socks on his hands, but
he still couldn't find anything to cover his bottom.
Hmmm.. well maybe one of his paw, er hand warmers would work.. He
slipped a sock over his dangling parts.. Hey! It fit! Maybe these
weren't hand warmers after all!
He once again admired himself in the mirror, wondering why he
suddenly felt like a rock star. Nonetheless, he liked the effect the
sock had on him. He looked even bigger, and according to Mina that
was a good thing to be, so he added more socks and was pleased to see
that he was even bigger.
"Mina-chan's gonna love me!" he declared. "I am SOO manly!" He
started strutting around, striking manly poses he'd seen in Minako's
magazines, in front of the mirror.
Then the socks fell off.
"Wha-? Hey! Don't fall off!" He scrabbled to put them back on. "I
need some of that stick stuff Mina uses to tape her pictures of
exboyfriend's back together." he mumbled.
He looked around the room, but didn't spot any readily. "Damn.." he
muttered. "Well, maybe if I tie another one around them..." He then
proceeded to tie another sock around the ones he was already wearing,
and to his delight, he was now bigger than ever. "Hee hee hee.. who
da man, who da MAN!" He grinned at himself. "I'M da MAN!" Though he
really didn't know what that meant, it made him feel really good to
say it.
He started posing again. "And I'm a gooood looking man!" he said.
Though he still had to do something with his hair! Deciding he was
dressed enough, he was ready to go. "Look out world, here comes
Artemis!"
He went outside.
"SCREEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMM!" went about a half dozen girls as he stepped
out into the hall. Suddenly he was pelted by what seemed like a
hundred purses and fists.
He quickly jumped back inside the room and slammed the door shut.
Panting, he braced the door behind him in case the girls would try and
hit him again.
"What-?" he panted. "what happened! Am I not dressed appropriately?"
He looked at himself in the mirror again. He looked alright in his
opinion, but he had a nagging feeling that maybe he wasn't dressed
quite right.. Maybe it was because he just realized that other
human males, like Mamoru, didn't look quite the way he did. Perhaps he was
doing something wrong..
He went to the desk shared by Shingo and Kunzite, and picked up a
picture of Mamoru and the generals. Hmm.. they certainly weren't
dressed like he was.. "Darn, and I really thought I looked good.."
Being a human must be trickier than he thought..
He went back into the dresser and began digging again, this time
using the picture as a reference. "Wow... pants, what a concept." Who
knew they went over your butt? "No wonder humans pay to see each
other naked."
After a few more minutes, Artemis was finally fully dressed, and he
was happy to note that he looked much like the picture of the five
men. "Hmmm.. not bad, at least now I'm not cold." He wore white pants
and a matching jacket with a black dress shirt underneath. Kunzite's
black shoes fit him surprisingly well.
"Hee hee, now let's see if those girls will hit me with their
purses." He stepped out of the room once again and braced for impact,
but no one seemed to be paying any attention. "Well," he said,
straightening his jacket. "that's more like it." He then strode down
the hall in the confident manner he'd seen other boys walking in.
Surprisingly, he got some admiring looks from a few girls, the ones
that didn't see him when he was in his first 'outfit' anyway.
He smiled in what he assumed was a 'charming' manner and a couple of
the girls blushed and giggled. This was good, he thought, first day
as a human and things were going rather smoothly. Now that he gave up
on the sock idea, though he'd been rather dismayed at having to go
back to his regular size. But now to move on to other things. Now
that he was human, what should he do?
He stepped into the elevator and pressed the 'L' button like Minako
did when she wanted to leave the dormitory building. He then caught
his reflection in mirrored wall. Oh, right, haircut. That he
DEFINITELY needed to do. "Where do humans groom themselves?" he
wondered.
Another girl, who was on the elevator, gazed at him with a slightly
confused look on her face. "You mean a hair stylist?" she asked,
obviously having overheard him. "I know've a great place not far from
here!" She grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the elevator as
soon as the doors opened. The next thing he knew, he was sitting in a
chair having this weird chick hoover over him brandishing a comb and
a pair of scissors.
"Are you sure you want to cut off your hair, hon? It's so lush and
beautiful. I'd KILL to have hair like this." the woman was saying.
Artemis blinked. Humans were certainly violent creatures when it came
to their looks. He remember how Mina would fuss over her hair for
hours whenever she 'went out'. "Uhh.. yes, cut it please."
The hair dresser shrugged. "All right, how short do you want to go?"
THAT Artemis hadn't thought about. He looked at himself in the giant
mirror that ran the whole length of the room. "Uhm... to my
shoulders?" he asked, hoping that was an appropriate length for a man.
"Sounds good hon." The woman then took a long clump of his hair and
cut it off.
SNIP! The white hair dropped unceremoniously to the floor.
Artemis gulped and closed his eyes, horrible memories of being to the
cat groomer flashing within his mind.
After long, painful minutes of dread, he felt a great weight fall off
his shoulders. Cracking open one eye, he looked at himself in the
mirror. Hey! He was starting to look pretty darn good! He grinned at
his reflection and began to relax.
"Looks like the haircut was a good idea," the hair dresser made small
talk. "you can really see your eyes and tattoo now."
Artemis blinked. Tattoo? "What tattoo?" he asked, confused.
"This cute crescent moon you have on your fore head." the woman
replied.
"Oh that. That's not a-" but he quickly bit his tongue. He realized
he probably shouldn't tell the lady what his crescent moon really
was. "Uhm.. thank you.." he murmured instead. At least 'tattoo'
sounded better than 'moon shaped bald spot'.
He was STILL annoyed with Minako for thinking that when they first
met.
"Well, you're done now." the hair dresser interrupted his thoughts.
He regarded himself in the mirror. "Wow..." he said softly, in
surprise. He reached up and touched the ends of his now short
hair. "Not bad." He grinned. He looked similar to Prince Diamond,
except with cat eyes and a yellow moon.
He stood and bowed formally to the stylist. "Thank you very much." he
said to her slightly amused look.
"You're welcome, now come on up to the register, hon, and we can talk
about payment." she said, motioning for him to follow her to where
the cash register sat.
Artemis paled suddenly. "P-payment..?" he stuttered. It hadn't
occurred to him that he'd have to pay for his hair cut, but, thinking
about all the times Minako had gone to the stylist, after every visit
she pulled some paper out of her purse and gave it to the person
behind the counter. He was in trouble now. He had no paper on him
whatsoever!
"Why are you looking like you're about to pass out, hon?" the
hairdresser asked as she moved behind the counter to her register.
"I uhh.. I don't.. uhm.. I mean I..." he stammered, trying to think
of ANYTHING to say.
So he ended up accidentally blurting it all out.
"IWASACATTHISMORNINGBUTWANTEDTOBEHUMANANDSUDDENELYIBECAMEAHUMANANDIWAS
SOHAPPYBUTIDIDNTKNOWHOWTODRESSANDIALMOSTWOREASOCKANDNOWIMHEREANDLIKEMY
HAIRCUTBUTIDONTHAVEMONEYCAUSEIDONTKNOWWHATMONEYIS!"
The woman blinked, not having understood a single word that he
said. "What?" she asked, down right confused at his reaction.
"I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!" he sobbed, covering his face with his
hands. By now he was attracting an awful lot of attention from just
about everyone in the salon.
"No money?" the hairdresser blinked again. This was an unusual
experience indeed. Artemis just nodded miserably. "Why did you come
in for a haircut if you didn't have enough money to pay for it?" she
asked.
The cat-turned-human opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out
and he just shrugged sadly.
The hairdresser felt sorry for him.
Everyone felt sorry for him.
Suddenly all the women in the salon started digging through their
purses and pulling out some money to pay for his cut.
Tears spilt out of Artemis's big blue, cat eyes. "You guys are all so
nice to me! Thank you ever so much." he said, clasping his hands
together as his tears spilled over.
The women were all moved by this handsome man's open tenderness, and
soon money was being shoved at him left and right, as well as a few
phone numbers.
Artemis wasn't sure what to do with the numbers (he didn't even know
they were for the telephone) but he appreciated the money.
Happily, he now paid his bill in full, and even gave his stylist a
tip. Afterward, he found he had some money left over as well. He
wondered what to do with it. Then he remembered something the
hairdresser had said.. "You can really see your eyes and tattoo now."
An idea came to him.
Artemis grinned. An evil grin that only somebody with a truly EVEEEL
idea could grin.
Or someone who was truly STUPID.
He headed for the nearest tattoo parlor.
"Whad'ya want?" the big guy behind the counter drawled. He was
completely covered by what Artemis thought was his own work. All the
former cat could see were skulls, snakes, and half naked women.
"Uhm.. do you do anything that isn't a skull, a snake, or a half
naked woman?" Artemis asked.
The man looked at him in incomprehension for a moment before
shrugging. "Whatever you want." he said, gruffly.
"What DO I want?" Artemis asked himself. He started browsing the
splashes on the walls. "Dead rat.. no.. spiders.. no.. worms crawling
out of skulls.. boats.. anchors.. swords.. more naked girls.. DON'T
YOU HAVE ANYTHING PRETTY IN HERE?"
The man shrugged, then pointed at a picture of some pastel
flowers. "We also do custom jobs if you got something specific in
mind."
"Custom, hmm? Could you do a cat? A black one? With a yellow crescent
moon on her forehead, like mine?" Artemis asked eagerly.
The man made a noise, as if to say 'please, that's child's play'. "Of
course!" He moved over to a desk, pulled out a piece of paper and
quickly sketched a little cat with a crescent moon.
Artemis looked at it appraisingly. "That's good, but turn the moon on
it's side, so the points are going upwards." The man complied and
changed it. "And make her a bit skinnier. She'd kill me if she looked
so fat on me."
The man gave him a funny look, but slimmed the cat down a bit.
"And make her scowling a bit and rolling her eyes like she thinks I'm
an idiot." Artemis instructed.
Another funny look, but the man still didn't comment. After all, it
wasn't the strangest request he'd ever heard.
"Wait.. I take that back, I don't want to be reminded that she's
always scowling at me and thinking I'm an idiot." Artemis continued,
changing his mind.
This time the man sighed slightly. Picky picky. He changed it again.
What kind of cat did this guy have anyway?
Finally picture looked the way Artemis wanted. "So where do you want
it, and how big?" the guy asked.
Artemis blinked. "Uhm, in my hand? I want to take it home and show it
to Luna."
"I meant, where do you want it tattooed on your body?" the man
clarified. Obviously this guy was some kind of moron or something.
"On my body?" Artemis repeated. He didn't know a tattoo was supposed
to go ON the body. He thought it was just a pretty picture.
"Yeah, ON your body." the guy pointed to the pictures on himself.
"Oh! I get it! So, how do you take them off when you're bored of
looking like a wall that's been graffitied?" the ex-cat asked
curiously.
The man looked insulted. "You can't."
"No? Then why do you do it?" Artemis looked intrigued, unaware that
he was insulting the guy.
The man slapped a hand over his eyes and growled a couple obscenities
to himself. "Because I LIKE them!" he exclaimed, his patience wearing
thin.
"Ah! Well, that's a pretty good reason." Artemis grinned.
The man suddenly perked up. "Really? You want it then?" he asked,
hopefully. Maybe he'd get a sale after all.
"Sure!" Artemis nodded. "I dunno if I'll ever be a human again. I
want the full experience."
Ignoring the comment, the man turned back to the picture. "Well, now
you have to choose the spot where you want the picture to be." he
explained.
"Where would a good spot be?" Artemis asked.
The man thought it over. "Well, the chest is always a popular spot."
"Oh?" Artemis looked down at his chest. "On the shirt or under it?"
"Er, under it, usually. You'll have to remove the shirt." the man
said. Yes, the guy was DEFINITELY a moron.
"Okay," Artemis removed his shirt, revealing his buff chest.
The man pulled out some rubber gloves from a box and put them
on. "Now we'll have to clean the area where you want the picture." he
informed the ex-cat.
"I can clean it myself!" Artemis said, helpfully. He began to try to
lick his chest, which he found harder to do in this inflexible human
body.
"Uhm.. this cleaning solution should be enough." the man said,
holding up a bottle of cleanser
"Oh, if you insist." Artemis leaned back in his chair with a sigh.
Nobody appreciated a helping hand nowadays.
"Oh I REALLY do.." the man replied, half to himself. He took out a
cotton ball, dampened it with cleanser, then rubbed it over the
middle of Artemis's chest.
"Mmmm nice." the new-human purred.
Ignoring THAT comment, the man pulled out a little hand razor and
began removing the peach fuzz from Artemis's chest.
Artemis wasn't sure if he liked being shaved, but he went with it.
"Now, how big do you want the picture?" the man asked again.
"Big enough to see it," Artemis replied matter-of-factly.
The man copied the picture onto transfer paper. He made it as big as
Artemis's fist. "How's that?"
"Looks good!" Artemis said, all cheerful like. He didn't realize how
fun this was going to be!
"Great!" the man said, happy Artemis was pleased with it. "Now, what
colors did you say you wanted it?"
"I want the cat to be black and the crescent moon to be yellow or
gold if you have it, and the eyes to be brown."
"Alrighty-then!" the man said, happy that they were finally getting
somewhere.
He got out some tiny cups and bottles of color. "Now, if you'll just
move over to the tattooing chair, we can begin." He got up and
started putting plastic all over the chair.
Artemis did as he was told and curiously watched as the man prepared
to.. do whatever it was he was going to do.
After he was done with the plastic, the man picked up the transfer
paper and positioned it on Artemis's chest, pressing it smooth to
make sure it came out right. He then gently pulled the paper away
leaving an exact copy of the cat on Artemis.
"Wow! How neat!" Artemis exclaimed, then moved to get up.
"Hey, where're you going? Don't want it tattooed on?" the man asked,
confused.
"You mean we're not done yet?" Artemis asked, also confused.
"Uhmm, no, not yet. Just sit tight, I'll let you know when I'm done."
the man said. He then poured a little of each color into the cups.
Artemis continued to watch, fascinated.
The man opened a little door next to him that let out steam, then
pulled out a long, narrow plastic bag. He slit it open, then pull out
the instruments inside. After hooking up the gizmo (since Artemis
didn't know it was a tattoo gun), the man picked up a cup of black
and brought everything to Artemis's chest.
"Now, this might sting a little.." he said.
"Don't worry, I'm tough!" Artemis said confidently.
Then he felt the first zap of the tattoo gun on his skin.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Artemis screamed and physically jumped out of that chair. "WHAT DID
YOU DO THAT FOR, YOU BARBARIAN?"
The man looked up at him, puzzled. "I'm tattooing you of course." he
stated.
"You didn't say it would hurt!"
"I figured you knew that already.." the man replied. "Although, with
the way you've been acting, I guess I shouldn't be surprised..."
Artemis whimpered. "Look, do you want me to do this or not?" the man
asked, more patiently than he felt.
"I dunno!" Poor Artemis felt so confused.
"Okay, let me put it this way." the man said. "Will you always want
just a black dot on your chest?"
Artemis blinked. "A black dot?" he asked, confused. He looked down
and saw the spot where the tattoo artist touched him with the tattoo
gun. "Oh.." he sighed. "No, I suppose not.."
Resignedly, he sat back down in the chair and the man went to work.
The ex-cat tried to endure the pain as long as he could, but about
five minutes into it, he passed out cold.
The man sighed, then shrugged and finished the tattoo. At least now
the guy was quiet, he mused.
Some time later, Artemis trudged back to the campus, his chest
bandaged shut. He gripped a sheet of care instructions for his new
tattoo in one had.
He'd NEVER do that, again. Never! He hadn't been in pain like that
since he'd had his ears pierced. He fingered the diamond drops in one
ear and remembered how he vowed never to do THAT again, either. To
this day he still couldn't figure out why anyone want holes in their
ears, let alone anywhere else! He sure regretted his.
If he had realized that he could just let them close up, he probably
would have.
Finally he entered the dormitory building and trudged back up to
Minako and Makoto's room. He felt so exhausted. He wondered how
humans ran around so much without taking any catnaps. He flopped onto
Mina's bed and instantly fell asleep. The minute he lost
consciousness he changed back into a white cat.. with a black cat
printed on his skin in the middle of a bald spot in his fur, which
was cut in a funny way.
Oh well..
FIN.