A/N: Hey guys! Here is my version of how things should have been after Shepard told Jeff about her feelings in Purgatory! It should not last more than two, three chapters. I hope you will enjoy this smutty story and please, read and review, I would really like to know if you liked this story or not, or any thoughts you'd like to share with me!
Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Joker was waiting against the wall right in front of Shepard's cabin doors. It had been hours since he had last seen her in Purgatory and he was still desperately waiting, despite the hurt and numbness in his legs for standing for so long. He could not give up now, he would not; he had to fix the mess he had started earlier that night. It had been so unexpected, so out of the blue that he had had no time to actually realize what Shepard was telling him, what he had craved her to say for years. You know, with all of this interest in EDI, it's possible you've overlooked other options.
These had been her words and he could not help but replay them in his head. Shepard had looked so un-Commander like when she had opened up to him. There had been this glimpse of hope in her nervous eyes that were trying to look at everything but him; and the soft, almost shy smile on her lips. His mind had gone blank right at that moment and the words were out of his mouth before he could even think them over. I'd never really considered it Commander. No offense.
This had been the biggest lie he had ever told. There hadn't been a day without him thinking of her since she had set foot in the cockpit of the Normandy SR-1, his thoughts growing exponentially towards intimate, love ones, rather than just a helmsman worrying for his Commander and making sure to do everything it took to save her ass. Her humanity, her patience with him, her high tolerance to his sarcasm, humor and constant rejection of people who wanted to make bonds with him; those had made him a better man. He had slowly learned how to let people in, not without making sure to keep them at arm's length, of course. The Normandy had changed him. Shepard had been the constant pillar, the fountain of youth and the light into the darkness of this ship, this crew. Shepard had always been more than a simple leader; she had this way of uniting people, of making them believe in her and in her fight against every enemy that had been thrown had them since she had been in command of the Normandy.
It's when Joker had seen Shepard excuse herself and go hurtling off Purgatory that he had understood the deep meaning of what she had just told him. 'And what did you do, you big moron? You just kept asking her about you and EDI.' Joker thought, face palming himself and shaking his head in disbelief. He had squared his shoulders, even if the idea that he might have lost her was weighting on him, his right hand resting in the crook of his left elbow, his other hand against his mouth and beard.
Chain of Command Shepard. In an alternate dimension without military ranks, I would rock your world. The lie behind his own words disgusted him but at that moment, he hadn't known what to reply, so engulfed in the idea of something between him and EDI. Looking back, there had been disappointment in Shepard's eyes and if the tenseness in her posture had been of any indication, she had been hurt, badly, and not in the way Kaidan's spiteful words had hurt her on Horizon, not in the way she had been a broken mess after sacrificing Ashley. It was the inner woman in her, the part of her who she kept hidden and who was asking for love and care that he had hurt, when really, all he had ever wanted was to see her happy.
Not once had he consider the idea of her having feelings for him. His own feelings had been thrown to his face the day she had died with the Normandy. Joker had lost everything that meant something for him that day. Never would he be able to forget the image of her floating away in the dark space, as the escape pod was taking him away from the wreck of his ship and the body of his lover. He had always thought that the way he felt about Shepard was a simple crush, the whole "being under the command of a hot chick" a fantasy, but things had evolved, feelings had gotten in the way, slowly but surely, even though he had tried hard to fight them off.
She had taken his soul with her the day she had died. The two years after her death had been a long nightmare, blurred by endless days of drinking the pain away, of fighting the memories away. 'It's your fault she died Jeff, if you hadn't been so stubborn we would both be alive today!' ; these words were the mantra he kept telling himself, opening the open wound in his heart again and again, making himself pay for what he had done to her.
Chakwas had been the one to save him from himself, understanding in silence that this was not just a soldier mourning his Commander; Jeff, who she had always considered the child she had never had, was mourning the woman he loved. 'Jeff, wherever Shepard is now, I am sure she does not like what she is seeing. You need to get up, to fight for her. She chose to save you Jeff, honor her decision.' When Chakwas had said that, Joker had stopped drinking and tried, as hard as it was, to live a normal life again. The doc, as well as Garrus and Kaidan had helped him through this long and though process; he knew he would have never made it without them. Deep down, he still did not feel alive but he was trying, for her, for what they had accomplished thanks to her. Life would never been the same without Shepard, especially with all the words unsaid, the regrets, the guilt.
By the time Cerberus had contacted him, Joker had thanked whatever god there might be out there for the second chance that was given to him. Shepard was alive, and the life that had been burning inside of him for the past two years was then slowly starting to flow again. They had brought her back to him and he would make sure to never let her down again. He would go to hell and back with her, or stay in hell, if that meant saving her.
Seeing her after two years of grieving and thinking he would never get a chance to tell her what was on his heart, to touch her again, to see her smile again, had made him burst into life again. She was still her old self, her beautiful soul caring his own and giving it back to him. If only he could tell her that she was his everything…
Right now, in the dark room in front of Shepard's cabin, Joker regretted never telling her sooner about his feelings. There had been the mission against the Collector that came first and Shepard needed to focus on this at the time. There had also been all the doubts, the fears and the questions raised by being brought back from the dead. She had taken comfort in his presence, spending almost all her free time by his side, in the cockpit. They had talked about it a little but he had never found the courage to either tell her about the living hell that her death had been to him or to reveal his love for her; then again, she had seemed to have enough on her plate. He had never stopped watching over her from the distance, always hoping that no one would steal her heart yet convincing him that he would rather see her happy with someone else than unhappy.
Their friendship had never been so strong than during their time with Cerberus. It's also when he had tried to accept the fact that such a beautiful, strong woman could never ever want to be with a cripple like him… And that's also when EDI had made her appearance, at first annoying, then some kind of complicity had grown between them and he had found the AI intriguing, almost attracting at times. He had mentally slapped himself for these foolish, idiotic thoughts but now, there she was, in Dr Eva's very well defined body. The idea had then not seemed so stupid and was it him or was EDI sometimes flirting with him? He was still watching over Shepard, aching to tell her everything he had on his heart but again, they were in the middle of a war and Shepard did not come spend time with him as often as before he had noticed. 'You dumbass, she wasn't coming because of EDI!', Joker thought, the evidence so obvious that he wanted to hit himself for being so blind.
Tonight, in Purgatory, she had given him the opportunity to finally get rid of the feelings he had kept locked up for so many years. Instead, as she had placed her soul between his hands, he had crushed it and thrown it away. He wanted to make up for his mistake, his sin for rejecting an angel such as Shepard. Her cabin was like a sanctuary, some kind of heaven that he didn't want to be forbidden to enter. He had been given the best second chance in life when Shepard had been brought back by Cerberus, would he be given a second chance again now?
His desperate thoughts had taken Joker out of reality and he only came back into it when he heard the ping of the elevator. His heart started racing, the pain in his legs completely gone it seemed. 'What am I going to say? What if she doesn't want to listen? What if…?' Joker took a deep breathe to calm himself down because he knew he could not be losing it, not now.
When Shepard came out of the elevator, still in her bubble, and became aware of his presence, she froze into place, trying to regain some composure "Jo- Joker? What are you doing here?" she hastened to ask himself, crossing her arms over her chest, upset.
He remained silent at first, not sure of what to say, knowing that every wrong word would unleash the storm in her that she was obviously trying to control. He straightened up, maned up and said, as
clearly as he could, despite the urging feeling to shut up and run away "I…We… We need to talk." Joker was straightforwardly looking at her, determined not lose his chance this time.
"There is nothing to talk about, Jeff." Shepard replied, never leaving his gaze, nervously chuckling, and quickly making her way to the doors of her cabin.
Instinctively, Joker firmly grabbed her arm as she was at level with him and once she was making eye contact with him, said, with an almost pleading voice "Please, Shepard."
There was anger, so much anger in her eyes, and hurt that he slowly released her arm, not sure of what her reaction would be. She looked so beautiful, Joker thought. The simple contact of his hand on her bare arm had ignited a fire in his body. He badly wanted to touch her, even more than before now that he knew how she felt about him. He may not get a chance at touching her in all the way he wanted to, but he wanted to make up for being such an ass tonight, to at least save what was left of their friendship.
"Please" he repeated, not more than a whisper, closing his eyes as he saw the anger remain in her eyes. Her breathing was staggered from trying to keep the anger contained as he had grabbed her arm. She moved passed him, the doors to her cabin opening and as he was starting to admit his defeat, he heard Shepard shout from inside "Come in".
His body moved before the information even arrived at his brain and when he opened his eyes again, she had her back to him, both hands on her hips, taking deep breaths as if to regain control of her emotions. Meanwhile, Joker was taking in the sight of her cabin. He had been there a few times before and despite the situation, he smiled when he saw that she was still collecting ship models. When in the corner of his eyes he saw her turn around, he stiffened, knowing that she was about to say something.
"What is it that is so important that you cannot wait until tomorrow to tell me about?" she said, looking at him, no emotions showing on her face, her frame looking so fragile all of a sudden. Joker was trying to figure out how to finally tell her but the words didn't want to form. He needed to say something, 'Anything buddy, find something to tell her, don't stay here standing like the dumbass that you are' he urged himself, "I…" was all that came out of his mouth before she added, spitefully, looking at the floor "If it has anything to do with you and your fucking love robot, just leave, NOW!"
Joker could not see her face, that she kept hung low, but from the tremor in her last word, he knew that she was being mean out of hurt, out of rejection and he didn't want EDI to be treated this way, yet he knew that Shepard was just trying to deal with all the pain she felt because of him. He had never seen her so lost, so unguarded and he didn't know how to react. His mouth was trying to make a sound but he desperately remained silent.
"I'm not a fucking matchmaker in case you haven't noticed! There are other people on this ship who would be glad to be talking about you and your hot space chick, people who don't care so much. So don't you dare come here and tell me that you lo-…"
There was no more time to waste on being silent, scared of the consequences. Joker knew he had to talk now or never, and the simplest, quickest way he found to convey all of his feelings were three simple, but so hard to say and so meaningful words.
"I love you" he said, before she could say anymore. He walked up to her, determination to clearly let her know how he felt emboldening him. When his body was only a few inches from her, her warmth enveloping her, Joker dared to take hold of her chin and make Shepard look at him. There was a panel of conflicted feelings on her beautiful face, her eyes were searching his, searching for an answer, not believing what she had just heard. A smile was spreading across his face because there he was, finally, after years of wanting to tell her that he loved her, that she meant the world to him; so he kept going.
"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I went down with you when you died…" Joker stated, unconsciously bringing his face closer to hers, her gaze softening after each word he said, each touch. "I lied when I said I cared about the regs. I tried to talk to you when we were fighting the Collectors but I guess I was afraid…" he said, nuzzling his nose against her, her breathe hot on his neck; he was delighted to see her relax, closing her eyes, listening to him "… afraid to annoy you and afraid that you would reject me…"
Joker wanted to hold her as close as possible, hug her, feel her skin against his but he wasn't quite sure if the gesture would be welcomed or not. He simply brought his left hand to cup her face, and Shepard leaned as he was finishing what he had started "But I swear, Shepard, I swear that I never stopped loving you. EDI was just conveniently there for me when you were busy doing all the dirty work when all I really wanted was to have you next to me. I am sorry I hurt you today. I…"
Shepard was overwhelmed. Jeff, her Jeff, was closer to her than ever before, telling her he loved her. She had forgotten all about the stabbing pain that she had felt in Purgatory, all of the jealousy at the sight of Joker and EDI getting closer and closer, unable to do anything, when he had given her the three words she had been desperate to hear from his mouth someday. She had fallen for him during the race against Saren, when his humor and mystery had drawn her to him.
She wanted to scream all the love she had for Joker but her brain was still processing his words, leaving her panting, at loss for words. His beautiful green eyes were looking into hers and she could get lost in them and die a happy woman yet her gaze could not help but shift to his mouth, so close. She wanted to close the gap between them and convey with her body what her voice wasn't able to say for now.
As if reading her thoughts, Joker, never leaving her eyes, placed a soft, hesitating kiss on her lips. This simple gesture had put her body on fire, his lips leaving a soul-searing trace that she would never be able to forget. He was gentle, careful, just as she had imagined him. When she finally decided to kiss him back, she put more passion into it, as if to tell him that she wanted it too, badly.
It didn't take long for Joker to understand her unspoken message and his arms left her face to come rest on her waist, her own sneaking up his muscled, hard chest, finding their place at the back of his neck, her fingers grasping the hairs at the back of his head, making him moan softly. This sound was like music to Shepard's ears and without thinking, she moved backward, until the back of her feet hit the wall of the fish tank. This had been unexpected and Joker had smiled when her head had hit against it and he had taken advantage of her surprise by covering her mouth with his, demanding.
Shepard could tell Joker was still hesitant, not quite daring touching her where she so badly wanted to be touched, to feel him against her skin burning with desire. Her tongue was tracing the entrance of his mouth and with a feral groan, he allowed her to taste him. At that moment, she was certain he wanted her as bad as she wanted him so Shepard let her hands wander down the expensive of his broad back, squeezing his well-defined butt, which elicited a soft laugh on both parties, to finally yank him to her by the back pocket of his cargo pants.
Now that their bodies were pressing into each other, all her senses were overwhelmed. Her heart was pumping hard in her chest and she could feel his too; knowing that he felt the same as she did started a desire in her core that she hadn't felt in ages, if ever. His arousal was pressing against her thigh as she was losing herself in the feel of him. Jeff was now placing trails of kisses up and down her throat, making her moan, the sound escaping her mouth so unfamiliar to her own ears. She was clinging to his shoulders as if she was afraid that something, anything could take him away from her; that she would suddenly realize that he was not real, that he was not hers but when she felt his hands starting to open her top, his body pressing against her more firmly, she knew he was right there and that she needed him, all of him.
She stopped kissing him for a second, her hands squaring his face, her fingers tracing patterns over his surprisingly soft beard, just to take a look at the man she loved, and who loved her in return. The sight of him, panting, face flushed, a sly smile on his face made her bite on her lower lips and her hands happily left his face to remove her top in haste. She could not wait anymore, she desperately, almost with a primal desire, wanted to feel his skin on hers, to mold her body to his and feel every inch of him move in unison with her own.
For Shepard, this moment they were experiencing was more than just years of sexual frustration and strong and unbearable will not to just jump on each other. She had often felt his lingering eyes on her when she would leave the cockpit, the soft smile on his face that she like to think was just for her but she had always thought they were just a simple attraction on his side, nothing more. Joker was a real flirt when he wanted to be, why believe that there had been more than that all this time?
Without even realizing it, she had slowly let her soul slip away from her own body to rest with Joker. She had never had a family before but she had immediately felt a bond between them. At the end of the day, when she would allow her to be herself again, Shepard thought of Jeff as some kind of soul mate. She was a bit ashamed at her own thought because these feelings were a sign of weakness and there was no place for that, but she could not help it and worse, she wanted to give in to it. Jeff had become her reason for fighting against the Reapers and when she had been dying, her last thought had been to think that, at least she had saved him and that her soul would stay alive through him.
And here there were now, desire taking over them, leaving little to no space to coherent thinking. Joker and Shepard had broken apart just for an instant but she already missed his warmth. His sultry smile was sending shivers down her spine and as she was pressing her lower body to his, grinding against him, she let her fingers trail down his stomach, stopping at the waistband of his pants. She slid her deft fingers under shirt, caressing the sensitive skin along the trail of soft hairs that was going down his boxers. It took all of Shepard's self-control not to give in to the temptation of undoing the buttons of his pants and let him take her right here, right now. She wanted to savor every second of this magic moment and make it last as long as possible.
The more she tortured him, the more Joker was grinding against her, moaning in the back of his throat with each touch she was giving him. His right hand was resting next to her head and he had brought his forehead to hers, his eyes closed. His left hand, at first still against the crook of her waist was not casually exploring her firm stomach, driving her wild. In one swift movement, she took his shirt off and when his chest met hers, she knew that this was where she belonged. He was her shield, her wings; she could never go back to not knowing how good it felt to be so close to his heart, to his soul. The Purgatory had not allowed peace to her soul but Jeff was bringing her to Heaven.
When she felt his hands slide along her ribcage and up to her breasts, she knew it was his turn to torture her. His thumbs slowly brushed against her nipples, making her moan loudly and rub against him. With the same dexterity and delicacy with which he made the Normandy dance, Joker slowly brought his hands behind her back to undo the clasp of her bra. When the annoying piece of fabric was out of the way, he bent his head down to hers, and kissed her deeply. Her bare chest against his was agonizingly making her long for the feel of him, all of him, and shivering at the anticipation of what his fingers would be able to do to her. It's right at this moment that Shepard knew she would let him take the reins tonight, stop being in command for a while, let him show her what it was like to be loved and taken care of.
A/N: I know, it's a shame I ended this chapter here but I really thought that what I wrote needed to be separated into two chapters. Btw, chapter two should be published in the next few days!