More random stupidity. thanks to Star, Night, Shenzi and Sirius for their help and input into this
Are you Being Served?
Kaidan pushed his chair back from the table. He hadn't felt much like eating, too much on his mind, but he needed to keep his energy levels up. They were going into the mother of all fights and he wasn't about to let Shepard down. A ping from his omnitool interrupted his thoughts, and he activated it to hear Joker's voice.
"Hey Alenko, you want to being me a coffee and something to eat?"
"What am I, Joker, your waiter?"
"Well it's always a thought for a new career path if we get through this. With the way women react to your ass you'll probably get a lot of tips, but your attitude may need some work. Besides, I can't leave the helm. Someone has to fly this baby. I couldn't even go to the head and had to make use of the bottle I keep for emergency purposes."
"Too much information Joker. And don't ask me to empty it for you either." He sighed. "I'll be there shortly." Kaidan loaded up a tray and carried it through to Joker on the bridge.
"So what do you think?" Joker asked as he reached for the mug of coffee.
"About what?" Kaidan set the tray down and sat in the co-pilots seat.
"Jeez Alenko, where have you been? We just stole an Alliance ship. That's mutiny in case you haven't realised. Gotta say though, Shepard's got balls, even if she's likely to get the firing squad over this."
"Where is Shepard anyway?" Kaidan asked as he picked imaginary bits of lint from his shirt.
"Like you don't know," Joker scoffed. "But I'll play along. After we set the course for Ilos she went straight to her cabin and hasn't come out. I think she's writing her will or something." At the look on Kaidan's face Joker gave an exasperated sigh. "C'mon Alenko. Don't tell me you of all people haven't thought of the consequences here. We're either all going to die or, if we manage to survive it will be like I said, Shepard will get the firing squad. And she probably won't be the only one."
"The Alliance would never shoot Shepard. She's a hero." Kaidan frowned. "Besides, as a Spectre she's under Council rule. I doubt they have so many Spectres that they'll let one be shot."
"Yeah, because the Council have backed her to the hilt so far, haven't they?" Joker spoke sarcastically, giving Kaidan a frustrated look. "So how come you went along with this? I would have thought that you'd kill yourself before you broke the rules and took a little risk."
"Shepard needs us. We're doing the right thing." Kaidan said firmly.
"That's a very nice clichéd response Alenko, and I'm sure it will go over well at the court martial, but you're not fooling anybody. You do realise, don't you that this could be your last chance." He turned and looked at Kaidan.
"My last chance for what exactly?" He was beginning to regret not leaving as soon as he delivered the tray to Joker.
Joker laughed. "You're last chance to declare your undying love for her and then get to the good stuff. Surely you know the 'let's make out for tomorrow we may die' scenario? You can't be that dense."
"Is that all you ever think about? You really need to stop looking at the extranet Joker and get a hobby that doesn't include women and credit cards."
"Where's the fun in that?" Joker smirked. "Don't tell me you haven't thought about getting down and dirty with Shepard. Do you really want to die a virgin Alenko?"
"You're the only one that's going to die a virgin, Joker. Spending hours watching the extranet with your alone time hand doesn't count." Kaidan's tone of voice matched Joker's previous sarcasm.
"Alenko, I know more about women than you'll ever know. Don't think I didn't see that little scene down by the lockers earlier. She practically threw herself at you. It was so sickeningly sweet."
"I thought you told Shepard that you weren't spying." He was starting to feel both angry and frustrated now.
"What can I say? I lied." Joker shrugged.
"Why then did you interrupt, given that you've spent almost as much time plotting to get us together as you've spent on the extranet?"
"Do you know me at all, Alenko? I wasn't going to let it be that easy for you. Shepard needed to have her edge in case she ran into Udina again. I was really hoping she would deck that bastard."
Kaidan muttered under his breath as he stood up. He'd had enough of Joker for the time being.
"So are you going to go and sweep Shepard off her feet or not? " When Kaidan ignored him and began to walk away he continued. "Come to think of it, it's probably better if you don't. If you're both frustrated, you'll fight better. All that pent up energy to throw against the Geth."
An hour later Kaidan stood at his terminal eying the activity in the mess. Soon it would clear and he could go and speak to Shepard without everyone watching, well apart from Joker anyway. He was trying not to think about Joker's previous words. Would this be the last chance he'd have to spend some time with Shepard? He didn't have anything in mind except to talk to her, make sure she was doing ok. Keep telling yourself that, Alenko. It wouldn't do to get your hopes up, besides Shepard will have too much on her mind.
They had tentative plans to spend some shore leave together after this mission was over but now that was up in the air. He was undecided about what to do and paced up and down in front of his terminal, deep in thought. Maybe it would be better if I didn't go to her. But he knew he had to and headed towards her cabin. He went over and over in his mind what he was going to say. He was so intent on his mental rehearsal that he didn't even knock on her door, just walked straight in.
She stood as he entered and turned to face him.
"What can I do for you Kaidan?"
Kaidan was lost for words momentarily. There's probably a lot of things you can do for me, Shepard.
"I know you're worried but I just wanted to let you know that if I didn't think you were doing the right thing I wouldn't be here. If things don't go well I want you to know I've enjoyed serving under you." He took a step closer to her.
"Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me. Don't you think it's time to rectify that?" She winked at him.
He chuckled nervously. "I walked right into that one didn't I?"
"You certainly did, so what are you going to do about it Kaidan?" She stood looking at him, a cheeky grin on her face.
He looked at her intently. Here they were, neither of them drunk or drugged or the victim of some prank and he felt riveted to the spot. He stammered something incoherently.
"Oh for god's sake. Get over here Alenko."
"Is that an order Shepard?"
"Damn right it is. Get over here and give me twenty marine. I'll leave it up to your imagination as to twenty of what, as long as it isn't twenty seconds of course."
Kaidan felt himself blushing. "Twenty Shepard? I may be biotic but I'm not super human you know."
"Why not? I am." She grinned. "I may let you off for good behaviour, but I warn you it had better be really good."
"No pressure or anything, right?" He grinned back at her, starting to relax. Playful Shepard intrigued him.
"I thought you'd be up to the challenge Alenko, but if you're not ….." She shrugged slightly and took a step towards him, closing the gap between them.
"We do have a pretty big mission ahead of us. I just don't want to wear you out Shepard."
"How big are we talking about Kaidan?" She grinned back at him as she ran a hand down his cheek.
At her touch he pulled her hard up against his body and kissed her passionately.
They had both waited far too long for this moment, and clothes were impatiently thrown aside. Once naked, Shepard pushed him backwards and joined him on the bed.
Kaidan awoke to find Shepard watching him. "I've never met a woman who…"
He was interrupted by Joker's voice over the comm telling her they were almost at the Mu relay.
"Joker's waiting for you on the bridge."
"Let him wait. I want to hear the end of that sentence." She smiled at him, her eyes never leaving his face.
"Commander are you coming?" Joker's insistent voice came again.
"You'd better go. Take care of yourself Shepard." Kaidan spoke softly, afraid to think about anything happening to her.
"Well, I'll have you to watch my back so I don't need to worry. You're a sweetheart Kaidan, but this conversation isn't over." She winked at him as she stood up and left the cabin.
Joker watched as Shepard arrived on the bridge. The rest of the team were already there, except for Alenko. She looked as serious as she always did before a mission, except this time there was a hint of a smile on her face.
"Shepard have you seen Alenko?" Joker asked nonchalantly.
No I haven't, but I'm sure he'll be here any minute."
"No-one's seen him since last night. He didn't use the sleeper pods, and he missed a meal. Wonder where he could have been?"
"I'm sure I don't know, Joker," she replied staring straight ahead, blushing slightly as Kaidan walked onto the bridge.
"Hey Alenko, I was wondering where you were. Have you been warming up your biotics because I have to say that I love the smell of ozone in the morning." Joker snickered at the looks on the faces around him.
Kaidan blushed and murmured under his breath to Shepard, "Permission to kill Joker, Ma'am."
Shepard opened her mouth to speak but Joker's urgent "Commander, we've got company" drew everyone's attention back to the task at hand.
Saren was dead and Sovereign defeated but Kaidan couldn't feel anything when Anderson's rescue team found him and Garrus. There was no sign of Shepard and he stared sadly towards the rubble that lay where she had been standing.
As he turned to walk away he heard a noise and looked to see Shepard climbing from the rubble. He looked incredulously at her, unable to hide a grin as she walked towards them smiling. Before anyone could say a word Shepard reached Kaidan and planted a very passionate kiss on his surprised mouth.
"Shepard, what the hell?" Anderson exclaimed in surprise.
She pulled away from Kaidan and looked sheepishly at Anderson, becoming aware of the grinning marines of his rescue team. "Ah, sorry Sir. Just making sure I was actually alive, and out of you, Garrus, and Alenko I figured he was the best option."
"I'll forgive that lapse Commander, as you're injured and obviously don't know what you're doing."
"Thank you sir." Shepard said shamefacedly.
Anderson held up his hand, "However, Lieutenant Alenko may want to press charges against you or request a transfer after that display." He turned to look at Kaidan questioningly.
"Ah, no Sir. As you say, the Commander obviously doesn't know what she's doing." Kaidan looked at Shepard, his eyes twinkling.
She grinned back at him. "Thank you Lieutenant, that's very kind of you. I assure you it won't happen again."
Anderson stood watching them as they beamed at each other. There was obviously something he was missing here, but he would worry about that later. At the moment he needed to get Shepard and her team to the Normandy's medbay where Dr. Chakwas was waiting to treat them.
After a few days rest the Normandy's crew was pressed into helping clean up the Citadel. They had been at it for a week and Kaidan was tired when he walked onto the bridge.
"So Alenko, where are you and Shepard going from here?" Joker turned to face Kaidan as he spoke.
"I don't know. We haven't received new orders yet." Kaidan shrugged.
"C'mon Alenko, don't play dumb. Everyone knows you and Shepard finally did the deed before we got to Ilos." Joker grinned at him.
Kaidan shook his head. "Don't be stupid Joker. You know the rules against fraternization."
"I also heard a rumour that Shepard laid a not so discreet kiss on you in front of Anderson after you guys disintegrated Saren's ass. It's made you a legend amongst his rescue team."
"You should know better than to listen to rumours." Kaidan couldn't hide a smug smile.
"Looks like I have to lay some facts in front of you and beat some sense into that thick head of yours."
"Who has a thick head?" Shepard asked walking onto the bridge.
"Well at the moment, you and Alenko, Commander."
Shepard raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, "And why is that Joker?"
"Look everyone on the Normandy knows about you two. Quite frankly no-one cares, we're all relieved you two finally got together."
"Joker, what are you talking about?"
"C'mon Commander. A lot of time and energy has gone into getting you two together. We'd all have to be blind not to notice that you two practically light up the ship whenever you go near each other. Just an observation, but you may want to practice a bit more biotic control. And if you don't mind me saying, the groping under the mess table when you think no-one's watching is really getting old, and not very becoming of Alliance officers. It's getting to the point where no-one wants to sit at the table and eat with you guys."
Shepard put her head down to hide her blush. "Joker do you actually do anything besides watch us all the time?"
"You mean aside from flying this baby and pulling your asses out of the fire?" Joker looked at both of them and laughed. "Watching you two is almost as entertaining as looking at some of my extranet sites. But I don't watch you all the time, although the way you're both blushing just confirmed the groping thing which was really just a stab in the dark. But you should know by now that there's nowhere on the ship that I can't see or hear you."
Shepard jerked her head around to Kaidan. "My cabin now."
"Looks like your services are required Kaidan. We all enjoy serving under Commander Shepard, some of us more than others." Joker cast a sideways glance at Kaidan. "It sounds urgent, it wouldn't do to keep the Commander waiting."
"Shepard?" Kaidan was confused and blushed at Joker's shout of laughter.
"You're good at all that tech stuff. I want you to make sure that Joker can no longer see or hear what I'm doing."
"If I tell you I've enjoyed serving under you do I get what he's having, Shepard?" Joker laughed and pointed to Kaidan.
Kaidan rubbed his forehead and glanced at Shepard, "Now will you let me kill him Shepard?"
"Sometimes a girl has to take matters into her own hands Kaidan." She turned to Joker, stood at attention putting on her full Commander Shepard persona saying "That's not the way to speak to your commanding officer Lieutenant Moreau. How would you like a promotion to airlock test pilot?"
Joker blinked, unsure as to whether Shepard was serious or not. She sounded exactly like every other officer who had seriously bawled him out. He was half expecting her to crack a smile but she didn't, she just stared intently at him. He looked at Kaidan who was staring incredulously at Shepard too.
They watched as Shepard spun on her heel and marched from the bridge. Kaidan looked at the shocked expression on Joker's face. This was the first time since he'd known him that Joker had been speechless.
"Shit! Now I have to deal with her. Thanks Joker." Kaidan was not looking forward to having to deal with a pissed off Shepard. She would make everyone's lives hell, starting with mine, he thought with a grimace.
"Was she serious?" Joker was worried. Despite all his pranks he had never earned that tone from Shepard.
"She looked pretty serious to me. I think you've finally stepped over the line with her."
"Maybe she's just PMSing or something," Joker said hopefully.
"Thanks for putting that thought in my head too. Shepard's bad enough normally." Kaidan left the bridge slowly, not in a hurry to go after her.
He entered her cabin hesitantly, unsure of what reception he would get but there was no sign of her. He found her in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with her knees drawn up and her face in her hands as her body trembled. Shepard's crying? She never cries.
"Shepard, surely Joker didn't upset you that much. You know what he's like." Kaidan spoke reassuringly, not knowing how to deal with her. He knelt beside her and placed an arm around her.
"Oh my God, the looks on both your faces was priceless." She lifted her head, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"You're laughing? I can't believe you did that Shepard. Don't you think Joker crossed the line with that comment?" Kaidan couldn't believe she was just going to let it pass.
Shepard stopped laughing and looked at him. "I'm not letting it pass. Don't forget I have those pictures from his party to use against him. Looks like they are going to find their way onto the extranet," she said soberly.
"Remind me never to piss you off Shepard, or at least give me some warning first." Kaidan stood and pulled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her.
"For all the good it will do you." Shepard grinned before relaxing against him.