Calculations, a m*a*s*h fanfic

Calculations

Disclaimer: If I owned M*A*S*H the Korean War wouldn't have ended, and Radar would have never left.

Author's Note: This is very, very dark and angsty in some places. I hadn't actually planned on it being this bad, but it is. Sorry. I understand if no one wants to read it, but if they do, please drop a review. I don't actually think that my fanfiction would have ever transpired, because, quite frankly, I think the characters are far stronger than that, but if that were the case I'd have no plot…

Calculations

BJ had always taken his vows seriously. He took marriage as a whole seriously. It was just the kind of man he was, not that he begrudged others their fun. It just wasn't for him. He couldn't disrespect his wife in that way. He had never, ever anticipated his fidelity would be in question—especially when he was married to someone as wonderful as Peg. He loved her with every fiber of his being, and he still wasn't totally sure why he had cheated on her. The whole time he had imagined it to be Peg beneath him, Peg he was making love to. Just like the old days. He could almost believe he was home again. The illusion had lasted until one word was heard during the nurse's climax that pierced him through the chest—"BJ". It was simple, it was his name, and yet, it was enough to break him. Peg had never cried out "BJ" it was always some silly nickname she had for him, or "Beej". Never "BJ". After that, he couldn't pretend, and the truth hit him: he had been unfaithful to his wife. If someone had told him that he would have found himself in this position before that moment, he would have punched the man for the very insolence of the suggestion. Now, it looked like he owed a hypothetical man somewhere an apology and a cold beer.

He immediately felt he had to tell Peg what happened. He owed that much to the woman he loved, but something stopped him. Amidst the self-hatred and disdain, as well as embarrassment and shame, something else lurked—fear. BJ was always an analytical man, always playing out every possible scenario and possibility before he made a decision. It was part of being a surgeon, able to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong, and how to jump in and save a life. However, while it caused him to soar in the medical fields, it crippled him in life. It had taken him forever to gather the nerve to propose to Peg, and even longer to agree to try for a child—his baby girl, his Erin. The way BJ saw it play out there were two options.

His first option was that he tell Peg what happened.

He called her from Korea, and told her everything the next day. It was hard for him to get the line to himself long enough to make the connection, but that was life in Korea. The hurt and betrayal in her voice was enough to feel more pain than he imagined any of his patients could feel, but BJ felt he deserved it—and a lot worse. He briefly considered whether or not he should have written to her, or waited to tell her in person, but he knew that it wasn't the kind of news someone read about; she needed to know just how sorry he was, and he needed her reaction immediately. He couldn't have waited to tell her in person, even though he wished he could have, for he couldn't see her physical tells over a broken line. BJ would never forget the tone of her voice when she answered and heard his voice. It was one of those all too rare moments when they didn't feel across the world from each other, and his wife felt the security of knowing her husband was alive. BJ would also never forget the way it slowly melted away when she realized that he was calling for a reason other than asking how the weather was back home.

BJ barely made it through to the end of his story, but Peg never said a word. BJ wasn't even totally sure she was still on the line, but didn't think he could continue if he stopped to ask. When he was finished he took a deep breath and dared to ask: "Peg?"

"How could you, BJ!"

Her voice wasn't broken and meek like he thought it would be, or as sweet and calm as he remembered it. This voice was different. This voice was new. This voice was hysterical. It was shrew and screechy. His sweet tempered Peg was bellowing at him for the first time in his life. He heard no traces of tears in her voice, only rage.

"What gives you the right to go off and go find yourself some fuck buddy while I'm stuck at home, thinking you're waiting for me, eager to come back to me and your child! I've been faithful, BJ. I didn't think it was too much for you to be too. I've managed things the best I can over here, keeping a brave face for our daughter and missing you so much I can hardly function. I've been feeling sorry for myself, then guilty for doing so when I remember my dear husband who has no one while I have Erin. I think I can't imagine the things you witness, and what you're doing and I think I'm lucky to have such a wonderful husband whom is fighting for the freedoms of his family and his country and whom I can trust half-way across the world! You on the other hand… you take this opportunity to go climb into bed with anyone every time you get a little lonely. Well guess what Sweetie. You're not the only one whose lonely, but don't worry. Neither of us will be lonely for much longer."

With that, she hung up, and with the click of the dead line, her husband broke into sobs.

A couple weeks later, BJ received a letter in the mail. When he opened he found divorce papers signed by Peg, with a short memo from her lawyer telling him to sign on the 'X' marked lines and to return the papers to him. As if in a daze, BJ signed the papers, and sent them back to the States, back to his ex-wife and daughter.

The war dragged on. Hawkeye and the rest of the gang did their best to cheer him up. Even Winchester pitched in, and was uncharacteristically kind to him. BJ continued writing to Peg, but received no letter from either her or Erin. BJ was a good sport about it all, gliding through life, the others covering for him in surgery when he made an error, something that became more and more common as BJ slipped deeper and deeper into what Hawkeye called his "conscious coma". The 4077 continued their vain attempts to cheer him up, and BJ always played along, until someone suggested he find another nurse and forget about Peg for a couple of hours. BJ had lost all semblance of control, punching the young boy until Hawkeye and Potter pulled him away, but by then the damage was done: the young officer's face was hardly recognizable. Potter agreed to cover it up, and the poor boy was soon transferred to another unit for the remainder of the war.

The end finally came, but by then BJ was merely a shell of his former self. Hawkeye had stayed by his side, but BJ suspected it was more out of fear and pity than actual friendship. He declined Hawkeye's invitation to return to Crabapple Cove and go into private practice with Hawkeye as his partner. Instead, he went to win his girls back.

They still lived in the same house—their house, but it wasn't the same. He approached the door cautiously, shocked when he saw Peg wrapped around the arms of another man, a new ring replaced on her hand. BJ didn't recognize the man at first, but after he turned around, he saw it was another doctor, one he had considered his friend. He returned to his car and sat there, staring at the house, shocked when Peg and the doctor—her new husband—drove by him as if she was looking through him.

BJ returned to the house and rang the doorbell. Before long it opened just a crack, and his little girl—his Erin peeked her head through, taking in his disheveled appearance with her big eyes. She looked so much older than BJ imagined she would. Somehow in his mind she hadn't aged since the last picture Peg had sent him years ago, yet here she stood, his baby girl, his Erin.

"May I help you sir?"

"Erin!"

As BJ went to embrace his daughter she shied away, frightened.

"Erin, its Daddy."

"Sir, my father just left with my mother a couple minutes ago. They had to go for mom had a check-up for the baby."

BJ merely blinked. 'Sir?' She didn't even know who he was. He slowly shook his head and backed away from the door, and back to his car. He saw the door shut from inside his car, and vaguely wondered if she would try and figure out who he was, that disheveled, ghostly man, who expected her to know him.

The last thought that went through BJ Hunnicutt's head before the bullet was the irony that he had managed to never fire a single shot all through his time in the Korean War, yet it was the first thing he did when the war ended, and he was back home.

That was one way BJ calculated things could go.

"I'm here Beej."

She didn't laugh as BJ had hoped she would, saying that she was relieved that was all he was calling for, and that she had been worried it was something more serious like his health. Of course, BJ didn't actually think that she would have reacted that way, but a small part of him couldn't help but wish.

Not long after, BJ had to get off the line, and as he said goodbye to Peg he waited for a response. After hearing only the crackle of the other end, he pulled the receiver away from his ear. Right before it hit the cradle he heard a soft noise.

"Come home soon, my love."

A couple weeks later BJ received a letter.

Dear Beej,

Erin and I are doing okay. She's flying all over the house now, I can't make her sit still. She asks about you often. We both miss you.

I want you to know that it hurts—you hurt me, my love. It was a surprise at first, and I still have trouble believing it sometimes, but I know you'd never lie. And I know you never did it to hurt me. I still love you. I've never even bothered wishing I didn't. You're still the best thing besides Erin in my life, even when you're not really here in my life. I can't imagine what its like over there. You must be so unhappy my love. I have Erin to make things bearable, but you don't even have that.

For that reason, even though I don't like it, I forgive you with all my heart. This means we have some things to work out before life is perfect again, but we can work on that when you come home, and when you do, the battle will already be half over. I thank God for giving me a husband like you,

Your loving wife,

Peg

Letters were more regular between BJ and Peg. They began including the minute things in the letters that seemed to get longer and longer with time. Soon, it felt like BJ was a part of all of the missing years; he had the memories of them. He stopped trying to shield Peg from the war, at her request. She said it was the closest she could do to comforting BJ, and being there with him and understanding. When BJ returned home, things got better. He and Peg worked on their marriage from the inside-out, and before long, they were stronger than before. He was finally there for Erin's growing up, and relished every minute of it. The family was complete again, and with it, BJ's life.

It wasn't much of a difficult decision for BJ. Some of the events varied slightly, but those were the two basic outcomes. He had a 50/50 chance of either one. Ultimately, what really happened was that he decided to go with his second option:

He never told his wife.

When the war ended he returned home, and BJ's life fell into place. It worked out just as it had in his second calculation. Life was absolute bliss for him, his wife, and his daughter who finally got to know her father.

Unfortunately, he was right to have anticipated Peg's anger and her subsequent divorce from BJ. She married BJ's friend, the doctor, and she took away his visitation rights from Erin. The last thought that went through BJ Hunnicutt's mind before the bullet was the irony of the last thing Peg ever said to him:

"I can't believe I've been married to a stranger all these years. You never told me. If you had just told me we could have worked it out."

As it turns out, the only thing BJ hadn't calculated was that he talked in his sleep.

Fin.

Author's Note: Again, I'm sorry this is so dark. I love BJ, he's one of my favorites in the 4077 and no, I don't think Peg would have not forgiven him. I like to think he would have told her and they would have worked everything out. I'm sure of it. I am working on another M*A*S*H fic that is actually fluffy, and I encourage everyone to give it a try. Anyway, please review, and take comfort in knowing that this would have never happened between BJ and Peg in [real] life!