Students of Hogwarts,
You'll be pleased to note that this year Hogwarts has its own school paper. The paper, written by students for students, will feature many diverse sections, such as Sports, Clubs, Fashion, Literature & Entertainment, Homework Help, Wizard News, Muggle News, and an Advice column featuring the formidable advice of Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley.
It is hoped that this paper will successfully foster inter-houses relations and be around for years to come. So, in order to ensure that your favourite columns and adverts flourish, please participate in and support the Daily Hogwarts.
Sincerely,
Headmaster Albus B. Dumbledore
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Dear Draco,
I'm crushing on this boy who doesn't even know that I exist. What do I do to capture his attention? How do I become visible to him?
Help!
Signed,
Invisible
Invisible,
I would suggest essence of skunk. You're bound to get everyone's attention that way. You can either utilise that pungent method, or you can just be obvious and ask the useless toerag if he wants to go out on a date with you. If he does not, be glad that you're invisible—you will be saved the humiliation of rejection.
~Draco
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Dear Draco,
There has been a recent infestation of Nargles in my room. What are your suggestions for helping curb their growing population?
Signed,
Knee-deep in Nargles
Dear Knee-deep in Nargles,
Why in hell are you writing me about these things? Why are you writing to me AT ALL? I'm not your bloody pot!
Signed,
Draco Malfoy.
-x-
Dear Ginny,
Is it okay to date someone from afar (as in a distance relationship) and have a date (like go to the movies) with a boy, who is only a friend, and not tell my boyfriend?
Signed,
LadySin.
Dear LadySin,
It is OK, as long as you are OK with it inside. If it feels like betrayal, then kindly (or not so kindly) decline. If you feel that you are doing no wrong then, hey, why should you be stopped from having a little fun?
Signed,
~Ginny
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Dear Draco,
What is the best spell to disguise ones appearance (preferable non-verbal), as I appear to have mislaid my, ah, invisibility cloak.
Signed,
Afraid to Stand Out.
Dear Starving for Attention,
I think the best spell for you would be the Avada Kedavra. No one will think about you at all if you go with this crowd pleaser.
SINCERELY,
One With the Best of Intentions (Draco Malfoy)
-x-
Dear Ginny,
I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I'm not sure he's really my boyfriend. He's never really asked me, but we spend all our time together and snog a lot. What do I do?
Signed,
Mis-Interpret the Signs
Dear Mis-Interpret,
Go with the old stand-by and tell him you'd like to start seeing other people. It's common courtesy to at least give him a heads-up before he sees you snogging one of his mates.
~Ginny
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Dear Draco,
My boyfriend's birthday is coming up, and I'm absolutely clueless what to get him since he has everything and just smirks at me when I ask him what he wants. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Frustrated Gift-Giver
Dear Frustrated,
Your fellow sounds like a right proper Slytherin bloke, so I'll tell you what I would want my girl to give me:
Lots and lots of things that are all about me. Sex, nude photos, a lovely mirror, hair products, sex, a public declaration of your undying love and admiration, sex, and lots of chocolates. I really like those chocolate covered cherries, especially when the sweet goo inside is all sticky on your lips and needs to be licked off...
Did I mention that you should give your fellow lots of sex? That's what we really want after all. Just wrap it up nicely like it's a gift, and we're yours for life.
~Draco
-x-
Dear Draco,
I'm mad at my boyfriend because he doesn't seem to appreciate all the great things about me, like my undying devotion, my great spell work, my large family that will love him like he needs to be loved. What can I do to show him how appealing I am?
Signed,
Hot But Not
Dear Hot,
I notice you didn't mention anything about physical attractiveness. Teenage boys care more about what's under you skirt than what's in your head, you know. Maybe if you actually showed him how appealing you are (and I seriously doubt that you are, considering you have to hide behind all those 'accomplishments') then he'd be more appreciative. If not, then I suggest you find someone who's more in your league.
~Draco
-x-
Dear Ginny,
I've got a secret admirer, and I hope it's the guy I've been crushing on all year. He's been dropping a couple of hints, but I may be misinterpreting the signs. How can I tell if it's really him?
Signed,
Wishful Thinker
Dear Wishful Thinker,
Make some moves on one of his friends while he's around to see what happens. He'll most likely tell you in how he reacts, but you have to watch closely. Or if that's too bold for you, brag about the letters to a friend when he's nearby and openly claim that you think it's someone else. Then check the next letter or his behaviour to see if he makes an obvious attempt to prove that it's NOT the guy you claimed it was. Really, men are so easy to read. I'm sure you won't have trouble.
Wishing you luck,
~Ginny
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Dear Draco,
My brother is scaring off all my boyfriends. Now that I like someone new, I'm afraid to confess this to him because I fear he'll run off like all the others when he is forced to confront my brother. How can I get my brother to stop so I can get up enough nerve to tell the guy I like how I feel?
Signed,
Suffering Sister
Dear Suffering Sister,
Here's an idea: would your simply lovely brother fit into a broom closet for life? Think long and deep about it, why don't you. If not, I may also suggest finding a way to permanently paralyse the poor chap that you fancy – except for some essential body parts, of course. That way, you can make sure the fellow can't run even if your brother stood on his rather unfortunate head. You may also get an opportunity to act the very lovely liberator when you help him around. Though I will maintain that I like the broom closet idea.
Just kill that simply irreplaceable sibling if all else fails.
~Draco
-x-
Dear Draco,
I love this guy; he loves me. But we never talk! We just exchange lovely, beautiful glances from across the room; his intense green eyes exhibiting such pure love as they run across my body. I'm sure we're each other's destiny. So how do I push things forward? It isn't too early for marriage, is it?
My Romeo's Juliet
Juliet,
Please do not attempt to wax prose. You fail at it, miserably. Obviously, you are Juliet, and he is your Romeo since he only appears to be interested in your body (as his "intense green eyes run across [your] body"). I say take a leaf from Shakespeare and marry the boy, shag, and then off yourselves.
Incidentally, how tantalising is that body of yours? You might want to let a Slytherin bloke take a poke before you fasten on the shackles of marriage.
~Draco
-x-
DG Forum Notes: The above series of letters are taken from a game that our forum members participate in, as both advice columnists and subscribers. A member (acting like a student of Hogwarts) writes a letter to either Draco or Ginny, asking for advice. In turn, another member answers this letter as either Draco or Ginny (whomever the letter is addressed to). So, you never know who is writing what. ^_~
The transcripts for these letters were taken from the Dear Draco or Ginny game on the DG Forum (page 1, posts 1-14), where you can go and peruse the specific authors of each letter.