If He Didn't Say He Loved Me

by kitkatritrat

Astoria wishes Draco had never told her he loved her. Because then maybe she never would have to bear the guilt of loving him back. One-shot. For the Loved and Hated Ships Competition. -Kit Kat

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN Harry Potter

If you've ever been torn between what you know is right and what you hope is love then you know exactly how I feel right now.

I love someone with eyes like stone and a heart like ice. Half of me wished he loved me, the other half wants to run as far away from him as possible.

Draco told me the truth today. He never tells anyone the truth, but he told me. He told me he was a Death Eater. He told me he was going to kill Albus Dumbledore. He told he'd been plotting this all summer.

I should hate him. I'm high-standing, but I'm not evil. I'm not even wealthy. Growing up, I was taught right from wrong. I was young and scared in a world full of darkness. I hate Voldemort. I hate what he's done and what he's going to do. I hate the Death Eaters, too, but I don't hate Draco. I would…if I couldn't see the regret in his eyes. If he hadn't begged me to stay. If he hadn't admitted he wasn't worthy of forgiveness. If he didn't say he loved me.

I wish he hadn't said that. That I didn't know that I was getting exactly what I wished for. I'm ashamed of myself for ever wishing that he loved me. I shouldn't, but I did, and I still do.

The real question was Do I love him back? I don't want to. It wouldn't be good for me. I'm so afraid I do. I think I do. I know I do.

What would my mother think? My mother who loves me so much. Would she be disappointed? Confused? I would hate to do that to her. She's terrified of the Death Eaters. She's terrified of the whole wizarding world. My mother's a muggle.

Then again, she doesn't know who he is…what he is. Would it be deceitful to never say, to keep them in the dark?

My father…what would he think? He'd probably disown me, being the Head of Magical Law Enforcement.

I know exactly what my sister would think. She'd be delighted.

"Well," she would say, "at least he's pureblood."

My sister's caught one of the most deadly diseases. It tears apart families and leaves people ashamed of who they are. Daph' has a very bad case of Pureblood Mania. Which is ironic, considering she's half-blood.

The sad part is I can't make myself care. I cannot force myself to care what they'd think. All I do is look into Draco cold eyes and find warmth there. I can't change him, but I'm determined to fix him. I make myself sick every time I think, I love him, but I do. I've never met someone so beautiful, so broken, and who loves me like this.