Every Time We Say Goodbye
Chapter One: Major to Minor
Every time we say goodbye, I die a little,
Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why, a little,
Why the gods above me, who must be in the know, think so little of me,
They allow you to go.
(Major to Minor-Ella Fitzgerald)
Rory Gilmore sat in her car, a nervous feeling niggling at her from the pit of her stomach that refused to go away as she watched the happy guests pour out of the church across the street from her and line the steps to prepare for the newlyweds' exit, their confetti at the ready. She had no idea why she was there, why she was putting herself through this mental and emotional torture. They had not been a couple in over three years, they had moved on so why did she feel like this?
The last time she had watched an ex-boyfriend get married it was an upsetting experience but this time it was different, the ex-boyfriend was different, the relationship had been different. Her relationship with Logan had always been so intense in one way or another that the relationship she had had with Dean paled in comparison. He was solid and safe while Logan was passionate and exciting and when it had ended they were still very much in love and neither of them had wanted to break up. In fact they had been happy together even up to just a few days before they went their separate ways. . .
…Flashback…
She had spoken to him on the phone the night before and she had been heart broken to find out that he was not going to be able to make it to her graduation. He had to fly to Paris for a business conference that he had been hoping to get out off and he was completely miserable about the situation and had apologised profusely to her while she had tried to mask her disappointment by ensuring him she would get Lorelai to take so many photographs that he would be able to line them up and make a flip book out of them so it would be like he was actually there. After he wished her good luck, again wished he could be there to see her graduate and told her he loved her, Rory had hung up the phone and fought the urge not to cry by consoling herself that soon he would be home for good.
"Lorelai Leigh Gilmore."
Hearing her name being called out, she took a deep breath to steady her nerves and tried to push Logan to the back of her mind as she climbed the steps and walked across the stage with a beaming smile on her face. This was it, the moment she had worked so hard for, she was determined to savour it. She looked out into the audience as she accepted her diploma and ceremoniously moved the tassel on her graduate cap and saw her mother welling up with tears of pride as she mouthed the words, "You did it babe," to her.
After the ceremony she was surrounded by her mom, Luke and her grandparents as they congratulated her and told her how wonderful she was. She was hugging Richard when a wonderfully familiar voice from behind her said, "What, no hug for me?" Spinning around and seeing her grinning boyfriend with his arms wide open, Rory gave a squeal of excitement before joyfully flinging herself into his embrace. Much to her delight, he proceeded to pick her up and spin her around, "You did good Ace," he chuckled before kissing her.
"I can't believe you are here!" she squeaked, overcome with emotion, "You're really here, how are you here? Were you just messing with me last night cause if you were I'll never forgive you, except that I already have because I'm just so glad you are here!"
Logan laughed at her incessant rambling, "No I really thought I wasn't going to be able to make it, then at the last minute another guy from my department was able to clear his schedule to take my place. I booked the most direct flight I could to try and make it on time but because it was so last minute it wasn't all that direct but it did the trick, I even travelled in coach, something I've never done before and to be a snob about it never will do again. Even with all of that I almost didn't make it thanks to those very incompetent people in Heathrow Airport. No matter how much money I offered to gratuitously fill their pockets with they couldn't make the journey go without delays. I was supposed to get in on time to take some of those all important shower shots." As it turned out rambling was something he had picked up from her.
"Well Finn rang earlier and offered to come around and take some but I politely declined," said Rory. "So when did you make it in?"
"Landed in Hartford only a few hours ago," said Logan. "I slipped in the back just in time to see Paris get her diploma, then Carl Kenneth Gellar, Timothy Gibson then most importantly the wonderful Lorelai Leigh Gilmore."
The rest of Rory's party watched the happy couple from a few feet away, "Look at her, she's just lit up," said Emily. "That boy is so good for her."
"I'm so happy for her. Him not being able to make it was putting such a downer on the day for her but now she can just sit back and enjoy it," said Lorelai.
"So we are all going out to lunch to celebrate, are you going to join us?" asked Rory.
"You really think I flew all this way for a five minute visit? I'm here for a while."
Rory smiled up at him before giving him another kiss, "I'm so happy you are here."
"Me too," he said, "Now come on, I'm starving."
They spent the next few days together, enjoying just being a proper couple again. They went for walks through the park, they would spend entire afternoons in their favourite coffee house, just talking and debating, they went out for romantic dinners, they went out to bars, met up with some old friends and were thriving together. However there was the question of Logan's return to London hanging over them, a topic they were both deliberately avoiding talking about, not wanting to let serious things ruin their blissful few days.
Five days after Rory's graduation and Rory was lying in bed on her side, watching Logan as he talked on his cell to one of his colleagues in London. He sounded a little flustered although Rory was not really listening to the content of the conversation. Her ears picked up when she head him say, "Alright, I'll be back by the end of the week, we can sort it out then." Closing his cell phone he set it on a nearby table before climbing back into bed. "Crazy time difference."
"So you are leaving soon?" asked Rory.
Logan sighed, "Yeah, I'm hoping to get a flight out on Friday. There is some stuff I have to deal with back in London."
"Like getting ready to come back for good?" Rory asked a little hesitantly, a hopeful expression on her face.
Logan frowned, an awkward look appearing on his face, obviously very uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, "Actually we need to talk about that."
Sensing this was going to be the serious conversation she had been dreading, Rory sat up in the bed, tucking her legs underneath her before nodding for him to continue. Logan took a deep breath, "I've decided to stay in London for a while longer."
"How much is a while?" asked an anxious Rory.
"A year, probably longer." Logan saw Rory pale in a matter of a few seconds and her expression go blank as she fell into silence, trying to process this new information. "Rory, say something," he pleaded unable to take her just staring at him with an unreadable expression.
"Mitchum will be pleased," she finally muttered.
"This isn't about him," Logan said.
"Isn't it?"
"No, it's not. London's been good for me Rory, I feel like I'm finally living up to my responsibilities and what's really strange is that I feel good about it. I'm enjoying being a good worker, being dependable. I'm actually passionate about my work, I've never experienced that before.," he said. When he saw that she had fallen into silence again he continued. "I started off so miserable there, I spent the first few months moping around and doing a half ass job. My entire day was spent mourning the loss of my old life and missing you. Then in our phone calls you kept telling me to make the most of it, give it a chance, it was only a year of my life I shouldn't waste it. Once I gave it an honest try I started having such a good time and began to really enjoy it. I'm happy there Rory, I'm happy doing something that I have hated and resented doing my entire life, do you realise how huge that is for me? I just think I owe it to myself to stay there and find out what I can really make of myself, on my own terms. The only thing that is missing…is you."
"What about me?" snapped Rory, "Apparently I don't fit into your quest for self fulfilment."
"Rory nothing in the world makes me happier than just being with you," said Logan.
"It doesn't seem like it," said Rory. "I don't know if I can do this for another year Logan, it's too hard."
"Rory I want you to come with me."
Rory stared at him as though he had just grown an extra head, "What?!"
"Come live with me in London."
"Have you been smoking some stronger crap than usual?" Rory asked, "I can't just move to London with you."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't!"
"Well as long as you have a good reason presented in a well structured argument," said Logan.
"Come on Rory, there are junior staff writer positions opening up at my paper that I know you'd be perfect for and with your grades, recommendations and portfolio you'd be a shoo in."
"You're crazy," said Rory, getting up to pace around the room.
"About you maybe," said Logan.
"Don't be cute."
Logan got up and blocked her pacing path in front of the bed, gently stroking her arm, "Rory I want to be with you."
"Then be with me here," Rory pleaded.
He hesitated for a moment, not wanting to say what he was about to, knowing that it would only hurt her and start a fight. "I-I-can't."
"Well I can't move to London!" Rory yelled, stepping away from him, "I have grad school in the fall, I have mom and Luke and a little brother or sister on the way."
"Lorelai's pregnant?" asked Logan, surprised.
"Yeah, she found out for definite this morning and she-no! This isn't the time to talk about this, " said Rory. "Do you have any idea how selfish you are being asking me to give up my entire life just to be with you?"
"Wow I didn't know the word 'just' could be so hurtful," noted Logan.
Rory sighed, that had came out wrong. "Logan don't go."
"What?"
"Don't go to London, stay here, with me," pleaded Rory. "One year ago you asked me to tell you not to go but I couldn't. I couldn't because I knew that if I did, you would stay and I couldn't be solely responsible for you not going but now I just don't care anymore, I want you to stay."
"Well now you are doing what you are accusing me of," said Logan. "By asking me to stay here you are asking me to give up my life."
"Well excuse me but I thought your life was here!" said Rory. "This time last year you were the one complaining about having to give up your life to go to London."
"Things change."
"Obviously, you have a new life all set up for you in London, one that doesn't seem to include me," said Rory, her eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"There is a place for you in it, you just don't want it," said Logan.
"Don't try to turn this around on me," said Rory angrily.
"Rory there are grad schools in London! You and I made it through a year apart, you and Lorelai can, and you can fly back for the birth! Don't just dismiss the idea completely without thinking about it," said Logan.
"I have thought about it! Don't you think that at some point during our year apart it didn't cross my mind just to drop everything and go to London to be with you? Of course it did but when I thought it through it wouldn't have worked," said Rory. "It's not me that's doing this Logan, you're the one that's changing everything. Do you have any idea how much I have been looking forward to this year? The year that you would be back and everything would be perfect and now you are throwing it away."
"Throwing it away? Rory I asked you to move to London with me, to choose the option that allows us to be together and you won't," he ranted.
"You're being unreasonable," said Rory, both of their voices getting louder.
"I don't think I am," said Logan.
"Well you are, I'm not going to throw away everything I've been working so hard for my entire life, I'm not going to abandon my family, my friends and everyone I care about just to be with a boy!" she shouted.
Silence fell onto the apartment as they both stared at each other, the full impact of her words sinking in. She instantly regretted her harsh choice of words when she saw the pained look on Logan's face but she knew there was nothing she could say or do to make it better. She had made her decision. She could not move to London, she was not willing to, the stakes were too high, even though he was far much more to her than just a boy. She made no attempt to rectify what she had said, what was done was done.
Neither of them were willing to give up everything for the other and so they got ready to say their goodbye to each other, fearing that moment when it would sink in that this was it and for the young couple it came all too soon.
"So . . ." said Rory as they stood at her door, his bags packed, his coat on ready to go.
"So . . ." Logan echoed her, causing them both to break out into awkward smiles. "How many of our great conversations have started with that?"
"I've lost count," said Rory, a small tear making its way down her cheek.
"Hey," said Logan comfortingly, pulling her into his embrace. "Come on, we'll see each other again, maybe not anytime soon but we will. I mean for one thing we have joint custody of Finn." Rory gave a small laugh, reluctantly pulling herself out of his arms and wiping her tear stained cheeks. "We can keep in touch. Maybe not as much as we used to but I don't think we should cut each other out completely."
"Maybe, someday," said Rory. "I don't think I could bare talking to you frequently when I know that I'm not going to see you or be with you anymore. I think a clean break would be best for us right now."
"If that's what you want."
"It's what I need," said Rory quietly. This was proving to be harder than she had ever possibly imagined. "It just seems so final," she said.
"We mean too much to each other for this to be final," said Logan, "You completely turned my world around, you made me question everything and helped me become reliable and responsible. You helped me become who I am today."
"Then I have no one to blame but myself," said Rory. "If I'd asked the old Logan to stay he wouldn't have thought twice about it before he was unpacking. Actually he would never have got around to packing."
"Rory . . ."
"Don't," she said painfully, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, I'm just upset. You don't need this right now."
He gave her a soft kiss on her lips, before stroking her cheek with his thumb as her tears continued to flow, "I love you, I hope you don't think I'm leaving because I don't."
"I know," she said. "I know why you're leaving, it just doesn't make it any easier. Now go before you miss your flight."
Logan grimly nodded before picking up his case, "Look, I don't want to say goodbye to you, so I'm not going to."
"Good," she said as he smiled at her one last time, kissed her on the top of her head and opened the door with a watery smile on his face.
"See you around Ace."
"See you around Logan."
End Flashback
Just like that he had left her life and it was the last time she had seen him until he had showed up at her door one night eight months ago. Rory was shaken out of her wistful state by a rapping on her car window. Seeing the security guard Rory rolled her window down so they could talk.
"Excuse me miss," he said, "I'm sorry but unless you are a guest you are going to have to move the car."
"Oh I was invited," said Rory.
"Then why aren't you inside?" asked the man suspiciously.
Rory considered coming up with an elaborate and slightly less embarrassing excuse but in the end came out with the truth. "The groom is an ex-boyfriend."
"Oh," said the man, understandingly. "I'm still going to need proof."
"Sure, one minute," said Rory, who began searching through the glove compartment before producing the invitation and handing it over to the security guard to inspect.
"Alright, I'll leave you be, sorry to disturb you," he said.
"Oh don't sorry about it," said Rory, rolling up her window again. Great, now she felt like some sort of creepy stalker. She stared at the invitation for a few seconds before shoving it back into the glove compartment. It was safe to say that ever since Logan popped back into her life all those months ago, life had been a barrage of emotions.