Justin
I've finally decided I'm done deluding myself into this dream of mine that he loves me. I have given myself all these excuses for him, and why he won't show me he cares. I am just done believing that something so important to me is possibly buried so deep in himself, so much so he won't even dig. I love Brian so much I ache knowing he doesn't or "won't" feel the same. I was supposed to leave after telling him the decisions I have made about my life. But I couldn't I just need one more night with him. He had patronized me during our talk, but now he's quiet. I'm so tired, I'm not even going to try to read into his silence. It's late so I pad up the steps to the bedroom and into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Splashing some cold water on my face, I get control of my thoughts. A part of me wants this last night I spend with him to be a night of fucking, but that part is so small it doesn't take any effort to crush it. I just want to sleep in the same bed as him, with the knowledge that he's next to me. Looking in the mirror, I see the resolve I have gained. This is the right thing, it has to be.
When I walk out of the bathroom Brian is sitting on the edge of the bed, cigarette in hand. When he realizes I'm standing there, he stands and goes into the bathroom himself. I take advantage of the time I have alone here in the bedroom to be a little nostalgic. This is where my life with began, and this is where it's going to end. My thoughts race in memory, and I know I need to stop because Brian will be out of the bathroom soon. To quiet my thoughts I remind myself. I can't make him love me, if he won't, and he can't feel something he won't. I change into a t-shirt and sweatpants then go to turn down the lights, and crawling under the duvet, I close my eyes. I hear Brian come from the bathroom and feel him sink into the bed. I want him to hold me in the final hours, even if he feels nothing from it, and that is selfish of me so I stop thinking it. Instead I ask myself why would he after the discussion in the kitchen.
I'm surprised when I feel strong arms wrap around me and pull me to his warm chest. I feel his lips and nose rest on my throat near my jaw as he inhales deeply. I feel my resolve weakening by the heartbeat. I don't know what I am going to do without this man in my life. I close my eyes again, so then I won't see. Morning will come and I'll do what's right, I swear I will just give me until then, and I will give up this fight...
Brian
I can feel him slipping through my fingers and I have him in my arms, right next to me. This is it, I know this is my last night with him if I don't figure my shit out. I stopped being angry about this talk we had when he asked me what the fuck we're doing if we both know it's not going to work, and I had nothing for him. Absolutely fucking nothing. When he walked away from me and into the bathroom I could feel him getting further away. I wait for him to come out of the bathroom. I'm going to say something to him, anything to keep him from what he's going to do. But when he comes out, I still have nothing, so I just walked past him and went in the bathroom myself. In the bathroom I had a thought, "What if he leaves while I'm in here taking a piss. I won't be able to do anything to stop him." I left the bathroom in a bit of a fluster, but breathed a sigh of relief when I found that he was lying down in the bed. I went to my side of the bed and got under the covers. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. I looked over at him and felt a pang in my chest realizing just how far away from me he was. That's when I made my decision that I was going to hold him tonight. It might convince him to stay. And that's when it really hits me hard. He's leaving. This is our last night together. He's giving up; on me, on us..on this. And that I can't call it anything but "this" kills me a little because I can't even give him the slightest but acknowledgment that we had a relationship; even when it's all crumbling down.
I pull him closer to me and rest my face on the soft spot beneath his jaw line. All I want to do is kiss him, but I know it's not what he wants. All his beauty is displayed in front of me, and I'm losing it by the hour. I can't come up with one fucking reason for him to stay. And even if I did, I don't know if he would. When he walked away from me to go to the bathroom, I have never seen him look more defeated; except when he had been bashed. I cuss to myself. What am I going to do. I want to keep Justin in my life, but I don't know if I can do it the way he wants. All he's asking for is for me to openly love him, and I won't give it to him. I really am the ass that everyone says I am.
Fuck. What am I doing to myself? I'm being the most pussy fag on Liberty Avenue. Fuck this. If this is what Justin wants then fine, that's what he'll get. I'm not going to stop being Brian fucking Kinney for anyone - not even sunshine. He can find some other fag that will caress his heart in times of distress and have their little step-ford lifestyle. I'll be busy living the way I did before he walked in my life; Free. I pull myself away from him and flip over, my back to him. Fuck this, I'm going to sleep.