Title: In Sickness, Yours Truly (despite its mushy title which sounded like stolen from a tragedy-romance books this is anything but.)
A/N: I started this idea on January(?), rambled this on a friend that same month, wrote the first five paragraph on a whim then suddenly I stopped because real life caught me while I started my other Hikago fics. And now because it's summer vacation and I finished with my non-con hikago fic, I saw this, read it then started working over it on a whim because suddenly this idea seems okayish. Now that I think about it, this idea wasn't supposed to include May 5th but well.. May 5th is near and I never tried writing something about it so I included it on this fic and the story flow wasn't supposed to be like this. Also this is Unbetaed, there is no pairing and this isn't a romance fic, this is about haunting and about Hikaru the sick boy. Now onwards~ please read.
Note: There is a certain line copied from the manga/anime, it was highlighted in bold and italic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go, I don't wanna be sued if I tell otherwise.
~In Sickness, Yours Truly~
He used to have a dream about a life where someone would have stood by his side teaching him all the things he should learn. That person forcing to teach him about something and he couldn't agree with that so he would remain stubborn. That person might even land him in unpleasant accident because of that person's profound knowledge and sense of justice. He wondered what it felt like to spend the day walking the crowded street during winter with someone by his side as they talk about making snowman. He admit it himself that he is jealous of the other children, they could run around the snow-filled street, pelt snowballs against each other, laugh and to simply have fun and what he have is the four cornered white room.
He knew he is different, his mom calls him special, his dad calls him unique, his grandpa calls him his precious grandson but for him, he is different in a strange way. Not because he have special power or because he have a dramatic and emotional childhood history but because he always have those strange dreams ever since he could remember and he have a strange illness that makes him stay inside the hospital because he have abnormal brain activity since he was eight.
He could remember bits by bits of those dreams he have when he woke up, but lately he could remember it all very well. He find it strange that those dreams with the long haired man wearing a Heian clothes feels somehow real to him when in fact it is all a fracture of his hyperactive imagination. However because of those dreams he would sleep more and his parents had become worried sick when he didn't wake up when they tried to. The doctors told them that his brain have too much activity that it is abnormal as his body won't wake up from any outside stimuli. There was even a time when he fell into a coma for a week, his parent was crying when he woke up that time because they thought he wouldn't wake up. He was overwhelmed that time because of their reaction and more when his mother would fuss over him which is borderline nagging and annoying. He was ten years old when that happened and he was in a coma for five days.
He noticed that since then the doctors and his parents would discuss about him in secret and the secrecy annoyed him. He could pout or throw tantrum all he want but his parents won't say anything, only telling him that he will learn in due time. He tried another method and that is by not talking to his parents in which ended with his mother crying on him, hugging him tightly and telling him how precious he is to them. It confuses the heck out of him but he learned not to ask about it because his parents will always have that annoying sad look that he have grown to hate.
He also stayed more on the hospital and when he asked as a birthday gift to go home on his 11th birthday – few months after his week long coma – his family was looking at him with tears on their eyes and his mother was silently crying. He knew what they were thinking and it gave him heartache and a bit sense of guilt for asking something selfish. He should have known he was not getting any better instead he was getting worse and then he tries to cheer them up after that. He doesn't like it when it is his fault that they were sad.
After that birthday, he noticed something different.
He could see something before his eyes that simply doesn't exist. A Heian dressed man with his long overflowing violet hair suddenly appears before his eyes and when he blinked the image fades away, the man disappeared and maybe it is his imagination after all. He guessed that it is his imagination but when he starts to get more glimpse of this man, he couldn't stop himself from thinking because from the looks of it, he is going crazy.
It might be the reason why he is staying on the hospital, not because of his strange illness.
He thought about telling his parents or the doctors about the Heian dressed man he could see but at a young age, he already knew that when he do so, it would make his situation worse and he doesn't want to stay in the hospital any longer. Hospital is stuffy and the food is yucky, he wanted to get away from it and if not telling them about him seeing sign that he is going crazy will lessen his stay then so be it.
The Heian dressed man, he notices, is always kneeling down the floor. He won't try to talk to him, or acknowledge his presence because he still believe that what he is seeing is his imagination, born from his solitude. But when he take a glimpse of that man, he couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt and hidden desire to reach out to him which he ignored for future probing. If this sad kneeling person is born from his loneliness and desire to be with a friend, he couldn't help but feel self-pity at the blatant show of his seclusion.
It was near Christmas that same year when the doctors approved that he could leave, and he was ecstatic to leave the hospital behind. He couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear because his wish is coming true, he will go home and he will spend his Christmas at home. He was excitable that time and he was laughing loudly when he received Christmas presents and he get to eat lots of food and get to see the snow falling on his grandfather's fish pond. It was almost the best Christmas he ever experienced. Almost. If only he didn't secretly learnt that the reason he was let out from the hospital was because there was nothing the doctors could do for him since there was nothing that could explain why he went into coma last May and his parents was wishing that he wouldn't fall into another coma.
Months have passed, and it was exactly on boys days when he fell into another coma.
When he woke up again, he caught sight of the accursed white ceiling and he is again on his four cornered hospital room. Six days have passed, he soon learned from his doctors. He didn't know if he want to cry or laugh because when he was sleeping he is sure that he was talking to the Heian dressed man about fishes, real fish and the artificial fish that could be seen in those small aquarium. So instead he did neither, he stares at the ceiling and let the nurse and doctors fuss over him while feeling indifferent about it all.
After that incident, he stayed on the hospital and was discharged on early June.
He didn't tell anyone about his dream when he was in coma but while he was staying there, he mull over it. It wasn't the first he have those, not even the second but he knew that those events didn't happen. However, the feelings and the emotion was real or how real it could get – he realized. Sometimes it confuses him, then sometimes it won't, sometimes it makes him happy, sad, angry later on, and then finally just indifference. Overall, it just confuses him and he doesn't know what to really think about it. So he tends to not pay it any attention when he doesn't need to though he still couldn't stop thinking about it while wishing that it is real.
It was on his birthday when he have a different dream about the Heian dressed man, the man was praising him, he could hear the words on his ears, how warm it was and how it made him happy and embarrassed because the man, has praised him on the trap he have laid on the Goban. It was a happy sort of giddy feeling and he wanted more of it. He blinked then he sat gaping because he realized that in his dream he was not only boasting and smiling, but he called the Heian dressed man as Sai.
Sai.
He suddenly smiled, because now he could put a name on the Heian dressed man since in the past, he couldn't catch his name he only could hear and see their conversations. So his name is Sai, he mused to himself then he continued grinning.
He continued having different dreams about this Sai person and he always look forward to it. Not because Sai is teaching him Go – on the dream – but because the conversation is almost real to him. Sai and him, they are always together, and they talk about many things mostly composed of Go, moon, umbrellas, streetlights, airplanes, soccer, history, Torajiro, the Hand of God and Go again. He is learning many things when he was with Sai but it wasn't always about good things.
Like that time when he had a dream about a rainy day, he was afraid when Sai suddenly appeared on a Goban then he was dreaming about losing consciousness and being in the hospital, the same hospital room he have always stayed. When he woke up from that, what greets him is the same hospital room and he couldn't decide if he is dreaming or not. He only realized that he was in the real world when the doctors told him that he fell into a five days coma and it is already May 10th.
On how he couldn't discern if this is real or not was because he saw Sai, who is vibrating melancholic aura while facing the window and his back towards him.
When he learned that he is back into the real world, he realized that this is his first time seeing Sai standing because when he see Sai, he is always kneeling as if meditating though it felt like Sai have a sad existence. He only saw Sai when he was in the hospital room and always in the same kneeling position and it confuses him however he is hopeful because Sai might be real and he might talk to him. If he felt somehow crept about it he didn't pay it much attention because this is Sai who is kind and warm and always on his dreams.
Even when the doctors left and his parents fuss over him, Sai still stayed on that same standing position, he wonder once again that maybe Sai isn't real and maybe he is just projecting his image base on his dreams. When he looked again, Sai has disappeared and there is no telling sign that he was in this room. Maybe his eyes is playing tricks on him – as always – and making him believe that Sai from his dream is real when he isn't. Or if Sai isn't real.. maybe Sai is his imaginary friend? But isn't he old enough for that? He inwardly sighed, too many questions yet too little answers, he should just stop thinking about it altogether, he decided albeit reluctantly at that.
On his 13th birthday, he was at his home wishing that he could go to Haze School because Akari – his neighbor – will be going there. That's why he choke up all the tutors taught him, soaking all the right amount of knowledge he needed to get to Haze since he is lacking at it. He sooner learned that he is more knowledgeable about history, it somehow baffles his parents but they likely believed his lies about being bored to death while staying on the hospital that's why he studied that part. But the truth is just, those answers comes to him naturally just like how he usually think of his dreams while walking in a familiar place from his dreams. He is also a fast learner at anything math related subjects mostly at calculating and logic which definitely baffles him because he doesn't like math but he reasoned that it is probably normal.
His Christmas that year is a normal affair, composed of foods, laughter from his family, his joy because his parents would enrol him to Haze next school year. His grandpa is proud of him even though he was so loud because he had so much booze. It was a happy day for him even if somehow before he sleep, it felt like something is missing.
When May came, he was filled with apprehension because he just knew that he'll fell into another coma again. On May 5th, he woke up feeling unnerve as if he lost something important, his window is open and he could feel the wind caressing against his cheeks, ruffling his hair in a mess. He then looks around his room, looking around every nook and cranny of his room, concentrating of finding that something missing. He couldn't find it in his room, so he opted to look around the house, looking under the desk, under the chair, inside the refrigerator, the back of the flat screen television, under the coach yet he still couldn't find that something. Lost in thought, he went back to his room to mope around while feeling frustrated because he was looking for something yet he doesn't know what exactly that something is. Instead he rested on his bed until he didn't realize that he have fallen asleep.
The next time he woke up, he was again on the four cornered hospital room with the doctors hovering around him doing their normal stuffs. They told him he was in a coma – again – for three days, his parents wasn't with him, which he is grateful because he doesn't like them worrying over him right now. When the doctors and nurse left him to rest, he turned to Sai's form who is facing the window then opened his mouth to speak then closed it again in hesitation. He shook his head to get rid of it and when he focused his gaze again to Sai's form, Sai has already disappeared leaving him frustrated with unsaid questions.
Sai never appeared again while he was staying on the hospital, maybe he sensed what he wanted to ask and he doesn't want it to be voiced out loud. But it left him curious and frustrated all the same yet there is an underlying apprehension. He wanted answers yet he just felt that he shouldn't ask but he still wanted to, he wanted answers so even if he waited for another year, he'll do so it's not like he could escape from falling into another coma next year.
On August, he started a new school year at Haze, he felt giddy because he will meet new kids and he would get to go to school again after years of being home schooled, there is also school clubs that he could join. After a month, he couldn't help wonder if being home schooled is better because there is just too much workload that the teachers gave them, there is also those annoying surprise quizzes he despise.
On his 14th birthday, his grandfather gave him a Goban. He was spluttering like a deer caught on headlight during that time because he didn't know how his grandpa found out about his fixation on the game. When he voiced this aloud, his grandpa was then cackling and answered in a failed attempt at being mysterious then said in his oh-so-mysterious tone of knowing a Go player when he sees one. Still, he is happy because he would get to play the game on his own Goban instead of his make-shift drawn 19x19 grid on a paper.
During Christmas vacation, he knew that a shoe will drop, and drop it did.
He knew something is wrong on his body, he was quick to tire but he only took notice of it after his birthday this year. And when he noticed, he finally remembered that this was the same sign like those years ago. His fatigue was easy to disguise as a result from his schooling and since it wasn't even severe, he let it be. From time to time it was acting up especially when he is exerting himself but it was only a minor convenience. When December came and the weather starts getting cold, he could easily feel the coldness, that's why he spends little time outside. He knew he should have told his parents but he doesn't want them worrying over him, and he want to spend more time as a kid. That's why when he caught a fever, he already expected it and knew that he will be staying on that cursed hospital room again.
January passed, February came followed by March then April and finally May came. All those months he come and go from hospital to school and home, he already lost count on how many times it happened though he wasn't even counting to begin with. All those months, his health was deteriorating slowly. At first it was only fatigue, then he caught fever on winter because of the cold weather, he started getting better when the weather let up and the sun rises up in the sky to liquidize the mounting snow into water. But his fatigue still remained, he tires easily, at first he stopped attending physical education then he won't show up at school for a day or two, it made his parents decide that he needed to stay in the hospital for examination and further health investigation. And now on May, he can call himself as temporary resident at a hospital with all the bland food he could eat and high renting price – sarcasm and boredom working at its best. He is also completely alone with no Sai – again – to accompany him and he ended up replaying a Go game from a dream on his mind as he drifted off to his eventual coma.
When he resurfaced to consciousness again, he took his sweet time before opening his eyes as he think of his dreams again. It was about him playing Go with Sai, him being taught, Sai on the side enthusiastically cheering for him on his insei session, fishes on an aquarium and the building of Go Association. He slowly opened his eyes and saw a nurse checking up on him, she told him that three days have passed and told him to rest before she left. He was already sitting up and saw Sai on the same position he was in the last year, but instead, his body and face was slightly tilted to his direction yet he couldn't still see his expression. Sai is vibrating that same melancholic aura that made him gulp which sounded loud due to the deafening silence of the room. But he wanted his answers so he will ask it aloud.
"Sai.." He called out his name – for the first time – which sounded a bit groggy without days of , "Who really are you?" He continued, his voice quivering with unease because he knew all this years that Sai isn't real, he wasn't supposed to exists but he do, in his dreams, before him right now, and now he knew it frightens him. He just knew when he started seeing him with his own eyes that Sai frightens him, gentle and warm Sai on his dreams is different when he see him. He continued fearing him all this years but he masked it away with indifference and reluctance to continue his train of thoughts before he find his answers because he knew he wasn't ready and he was a child who continued to dream about sunshine and daisies. However, now that he voiced it aloud and hear his quivering voice, it only made it real. Sai wasn't supposed to be here with him, not even exist because Sai isn't a person, he wasn't his imaginary friend, he wasn't warm and gentle like in his dreams because Sai is..
"Sai, I am Fujiwara no Sai." Was the response he heard as Sai turned towards him, giving him a small quirk of his pale lips into an imitation of a smile which sent shivers on his skin like a cold caress of the winter wind in the middle of the dead and silent night.
.. a ghost.
Sai glided towards him but he noticed that Sai's sock covered foot isn't touching the floor which only reinforce his image. It frightens him, this behaviour of Sai but he knew all gentle and warm people – a ghost nonetheless is no difference – are also hiding another part of themselves. And now that Sai have shown him this part, there is no denying nor an underlying suspicions that this didn't happen. He have chosen this when he spoke to him, he couldn't simply back away from it even if he wanted to. There's no escape and just like the saying, curiosity killed the cat, he was the cat and he'll be literally killed.
Sai reaches his pale and cold hand on his left cheek in a mockery of affection. "I won't hurt you." He whispered with a sense of finality most likely after changing his mind for the billionth time. He doesn't know if he should take Sai's words with a sense of relief because it is anything but. Sai is most probably the reason why he is even sick to begin with.
He looks away, feeling nervous at Sai's penetrating intense gaze on him while his violet eyes glows with ethereal ghostly beauty. The hand on his cheek left, he almost sagged with relief when his right hand was abruptly grasped in between Sai's hand that made his eyes widen with uncertainty, bordering to fear as he held his breath trying not to show his current weakness.
He stares at Sai's hand caressing his right hand carefully as if he's afraid to break a precious artefact but it still doesn't makes him feel any better. Sai caress his index and middle finger, specifically on the callused part made from constant placing of the Go stone. He wanted to immediately jerk his hand away from Sai but he is riveted on his position so he let him be. He deeply wishes that Sai will let go sooner, the chill he is getting from Sai's presence is enough to make him cower under a blanket.
There was an unexpected sound of the door opening and the sound of his mother's voice but it all drown when all he could feel is the chilling cold Sai left as he slowly let go of his hand before giving it a final squeeze at the same time he could hear Sai's words like a ringing of a church bell – loud as it rang in a silent night, "I won't leave you, Hikaru. Promise."
He didn't turn to his mother as he continued staring at the space Sai occupied till he departed with that parting words which sounded more likely a warning for him. All he could hear is the loud beating of his heart and felt the tremor running on his body, as he stayed rooted on the same position.
On the back of his mind, he heard an incomprehensible whispers from his inner thoughts but the voice sounds pleading – cracking – at the onslaught of various emotions running rampant followed by a soft whisper, 'Don't leave me..' and then silence.
His parents should have done this in the first place, should have brought him on a priest when he was a kid before it have gotten worse but they doesn't believe in superstitions and they didn't agree for a priest to check up on him. However his grandpa saw it fit to bring a priest without his parents ever knowing, he doesn't know any priest in the past and only found one – in coincidence – because his grandpa found him staring at nothing on a late afternoon around late May. When he asked his grandpa why now, he told him that it felt like he was looking at someone he only could see and he looks like he will disappear. His grandpa also told him about his deceased brother who could see other things, he shrugged it off, saying that ghosts doesn't exists with a lump on his throat, his grandpa was eying him suspiciously since then.
He have a spirit with him, the priest told him. His grandpa was wide eyed when the priest uttered those words. He means no harm, the priest answered when his grandpa asked if that spirit is hurting him. He wouldn't deliberately hurt him, the priest assured but the way the priest stares at him in concentration tells otherwise. Sai wouldn't deliberately hurt him but there is a loophole in that statement. A major and critical one.
That spirit is like his guardian who is always with him, who is draping over him every time he sleeps. The thought made him shiver when the priest told him that, it is definitely creepy he mused internally. He feigned indifference while the priest explains his situation to him but from time to time he couldn't stop showing that it frightens him. The priest asked if he saw him and he lied without meeting anyone's gaze, he wouldn't tell them that he did because it would only result to more experimentation. His grandpa inquired more about his situation, and they talked as he tries to show disinterest at their conversation. At the end of the day, all the priest could say is that, the ghost means no harm and most likely only staying by his side to protect him. And the priest told him – on which he reluctantly agreed but it doesn't mean he will – to contact him if ever that ghost showed and warned him clearly not to ever talk to the ghost under any circumstance. Too late, he already did. And from the fairly dire warning, and the hard look of the priest's eyes, tells him that he wouldn't like the consequences but he is already suffering the consequence so telling the priest about it is all futile.
His parents really should have asked for a priest in the past before he got into this mess, like a cat tangled in the web of seemingly harmless yet tightening yarn. Because it frightens and he is lost on what to do yet he doesn't want to tell anyone as well.
Months have passed and nothing have changed on his health, it's still unstable and unexplainable. Other than that, the other constant on his life since his last coma was Sai's presence. He could feel the chill in the middle of the night usually when he is sleeping and he'll wake up feeling cold. He just knew it is the result of Sai's presence and he just knew that Sai is always with him every night, probably sleeping next to him and it frightens him more because he couldn't see Sai yet he could feel him. It usually result on him trying not to sleep but he couldn't last for the maximum of three days, and when he is awake at night, he could feel Sai's gaze looking at him with the same penetrating and intense gaze he used when he looked at him that time. It frightens him and the chill became a constant thing on his life as he continued to stay in the hospital. He wanted to leave the place, hoping that by doing so, Sai would leave him alone but when he did, one time, he ended up with high fever, which is definitely Sai's doing. And it makes him feel like there is some metal shackle wrapped on his pretty neck in a tight leash bounding him to this accursed hospital room specifically on Sai.
It was exactly on a midnight of his birthday when he lost it. Because he is a teenager and he is always on the hospital and Sai never answers him.
He was restless that night – like always – and he was sitting up on the bed. Sai's presence is always here and it's always obvious at night. He was tired, frightened, and sad. He doesn't know why Sai is here with him, why did Sai gave him those dreams, why is his dream repeating with nothing new and why did Sai choose him. He wanted to ask but he is afraid, because Sai is cold, Sai can hurt him, and Sai is slowly killing him however, he desperately wanted to know why him, of all the people in Japan or even the whole world, why did Sai choose to haunt him? Why a kid like him? This thoughts plague him until the clock strike to midnight. And he began sobbing at the loneliness he felt. He is afraid, alone – though Sai is always there but it still doesn't count – and he wanted to know the whys.
"Why?.." He hiccupped while using the back of his hands to wipe the tears from his tear stained cheeks.
There is only the deafening silence as his answer that made him snarled as he get up from the bed. "Why won't you answer me?!" With tears streaking on his chin, he just wanted to wreak havoc and he did so. He throw the pillow across the room with a thud followed by another yell of why, toss the blanket around and when he caught sight of the vase filled with flowers, he didn't think as he immediately grabbed it and flung it across the door.
"Why won't you leave me alone!?" He yelled while he scrub his red-rimmed puffed eyes with his wrists. When he saw a glass on the desk, he grabbed it and throws it with force on the floor near his feet. Then he stared at his feet as the loud sound of glass being smashed covered this prison, he could also see the shard of the glass near him. With another cry he crumpled on the floor, face buried between his knees as he continued to sob.
There was a cold presence draped around him, and he just knew that Sai have his arms around him in an imitation of comforting and assuring hug but it only made his fear and pain more real.
"Don't cry, Hikaru." Was the words uttered near his ear as he felt a heavy pressure on his hair like a mother soothing her child from a nightmare but this is different, this doesn't make him feel better and it only makes him cry harder and louder as his body shook with tremor as he continued to sob. Sai's supposed soothing words and presence still lingered even until the nurse arrived. And all he could hear is Sai's whispered words on his ears and Sai's cold presence wrapped around him in a cocoon that makes him feel trap and lost.
Months have passed, yet he remained inside his four cornered white prison. Since his last birthday, it started to feel like he wasn't living. He was plagued with depression and Sai remained beside him, always visible to him, always clinging to him like some kind of pest. Sai's hand is like a chain, always on his person, attached to him like a permanent glue. At first Sai won't let go, always hugging him every time he could but then he got fed up with it and he ended up screaming at Sai. Since then Sai stopped hugging him on broad daylight, but he still get clingy at night. Sai is always laying down next to him every time he went to sleep, Sai would wrapped his cold arms around him and he would always end up sleeping and nuzzling against Sai as if he was begging for comfort.
Sai's presence is a constant companion inside his prison and he have grown to tolerate Sai's presence and clinginess however he would appreciate it greatly if Sai would totally leave him alone but that's a wasteful wish. He knew Sai would continue staying with him and Sai would definitely be the reason of his demise but he still couldn't wrap his thoughts on why Sai is even here with him. He tried asking him once but like always, Sai would only say something soothing if he is distressed which is every day. Since Sai wouldn't tell him, he is left to think of it and since his last birthday, he also started having new dreams.
On those dreams, he was taking the pro exams and Sai was with him guiding him all the way. Every time he wakes up and found Sai embracing him with his head pressed on Sai's chest makes him wonder on why this Sai is different to the Sai on his dreams. But then again, this Sai is always giving off that melancholic vibes and his existence is screaming creepy plus Sai's touch and presence is cold though he also wonder why Sai on his dreams is gentle and warm. So many questions yet too little answer and the one holding those answers won't say anything to him.
He knew that time is up, he could feel it, could feel the weakening of his body from the fatigue, with now his blurring sight as the tears cascade like a broken dam. He doesn't want to die, he begged to Sai repeatedly at that. But Sai would only continue petting his hair, and caressing his forehead and murmurs, "Everything will be alright." Which is not the case and it just makes him think that despite Sai's soothing words and intentions, his actions and presence is anything but and isn't that ironic? Though he wonders why he find it ironic when it isn't and isn't that a bit sad? He is losing his touch and he knew that when the time is up he'll lose everything and it is just funny because he doesn't have anything to begin with. Sai stole his health, almost everything he supposed and could have and all Sai could return is his cold presence and the pleasant yet confusing dreams he have. That kind of trade is very unfair for him, he mused with a slight hint of mockery at his situation, and he just felt like laughing.
May 3rd, he stares at his parents, talk, smile and laugh at the right time yet they all knew it was a façade he was wearing. They all knew – the doctors told them so – that his time is limited, that if his health continued to grow worse he'll die. Base on the doctors estimate, he still have five years at most and they are almost half on their way to find what's wrong with him, the doctors continued assuring them that everything is alright, and just like how he remembered Sai's spoken words, his thought is the same. Everything won't be alright at all.
His mother was caressing his hair in a soothing manner and he leans onto the touch on how warm and gentle it is. While his father patted him on the shoulder with a manly bump while grinning at him silently telling him in his cheerful way that everything is all normal and nothing is amiss. It all made him feel loved dearly, how his parents show their affection to him though he knew his grandpa loves him as well even if he was nowhere to be seen right now. But despite all the love he could feel coming from them, he couldn't help but feel that they are only remaining strong for his sake which makes him guilty on what will happen to them if he died. However he still have few days, and he'll act like there is nothing wrong because everything was supposed to be fine.
Everything will be fine, such a delusion he makes himself and others believe.
May 4th, his grandpa was with him, and talking animatedly at him after they played a game but he knew that his grandpa wanted to ask something but probably waiting for a perfect timing so he didn't call on him. It was on that late afternoon when his grandpa bid him goodbye but paused before the door then walk back to him and from the way his grandpa's brow furrowed downward into concentration as he stares at him made him guess that maybe his grandpa knew.
"Hikaru, about the priest that I brought last year.." his grandpa started and paused then let out a long annoyed sigh then grumbled, "No use in beating around the bush, I'll get to the point." Then he pitched the bridge of his nose with an irritated scowl as if what he is thinking is something unpleasant but from what he thinks, what his grandpa will tell is something he knew.
"You and my deceased brother is the same, you know Hikaru." His grandpa finally said in slight irritation then sat again on the chair opposing him.
He looked at him with confusion, firmly shown more after tilting his head on his side. His grandpa snorted when he saw him do that. "Anyway about that priest, I talked to him the other day." He merely looked at his grandpa for elaboration, and his grandpa sighed at that as he sagged on his seat.
"He asked you if you can see that spirit and you denied that but now base on what he told me and my observation, you lied." His grandpa looked at him with that pleading look on his face. When he didn't answer, his grandpa continued after another long suffering sigh and finally inquired, "Hikaru.. that spirit, does he hurt you?" And his grandpa stares at him expectantly and pleadingly after that question left his mouth.
He stares at him, measuring what he should tell, he can lie right now, tell his grandpa that he didn't saw any spirit so his grandpa will not get worried yet he knew, he badly wanted to tell someone and this is his chance, even if a bit futile and late at that but it's still a chance. But, everything was supposed to be fine, he wouldn't just ruin that. He opened his mouth to lie then firmly shut his mouth once again when his grandpa stares at him as he said pleadingly in interruption before he could even utter a single word, "Tell the truth, Hikaru." It was said in a manner that made him feel guilty and it made him feel that it is okay to tell his grandpa instead of a lying.
"Okay." He answered truthfully after a moment; all façade that he have shown everyone is gone, leaving him bare. Showing what he truly felt; tired, lost, and trapped in his own web. Then he looked down his hands looking miserable and said softly, voice quivering in a light tremor. "I can see and feel him, always with me," He elaborated then paused, "always, always," He repeated, voice quivering in desperation at his repetition, mind remembering the time Sai is with him, could remember the ghost of a touch, the failed attempt at soothing, and the ever present cold presence.
"He won't leave me alone but I knew he means no harm." He concluded as he looked up at his grandpa who looked ashen, but his mind is on other thought remembering the way Sai hugged him, whispering words, he could now think that everything points at Sai's unhealthy obsession over him. It still didn't answer his question on why him but still an answer nonetheless.
Sai's presence became known because it went cold then he could feel Sai wrapping his ghostly pale arms around him in a tight embrace and he couldn't help but lean backward for comfort even if he felt dread because he knew, he just knew that despite Sai's ever cold presence, he crave it and yet it repulse him as well. It confuses him and that's why he let it be and let himself fall because he have no choice in the matter and arguing and demanding to be free only results to more unpleasant feelings.
His grandpa was wide eyed and ashen as he look at him, now in a different light and probably in ghastly horror. His grandpa opened his mouth to demand but he beat him to it, "He doesn't hurt me." He stated in conviction, not intentionally he added sarcastically within his mind, his grandpa now with his mouth closed shut in a thin line as he think to what he stated. There was silence between them and it took a long time until his grandpa sighed again with a slight hint of resignation now eyes light up in reminiscence, "My deceased brother said the same thing, as well."
He could feel that his grandpa is currently in a memory lane, probably thinking about his deceased brother and from the way his grandpa almost smiled when he said that sentence. He just knew that his grandpa's deceased brother and he ended up in different situation and from what he remember, he died of old age and that is definitely a telling sign on how different his situation from his grandpa's deceased brother.
Then, there is no need to tell his grandpa that. It would only hurt him to know the truth.
It was already late in the evening and he was still awake. He is sitting up, with his hand on his lap while Sai is next to him holding his other hand in a tight grip. He was remembering his confrontation with his grandpa that afternoon and he realized at that time, Sai have obsessive behaviour but he knew Sai means no harm just.. Sai doesn't know any better. And it makes him look pitiful because he was caught on it and all he could do is accept it even if he wanted to protest so badly on how unfair it is for him.
He sighed then gave Sai's hand a squeeze albeit reluctantly at that as he turned to face him.
"Sai, why did you choose to haunt me?" He asked, as if only asking for the weather and he snorted internally. Then he let out a yawn after that, knowing full well how tired he is currently, most likely Sai's doing.
Sai faced to look at him, with eyes glinting in a child-like wonder before that emotion disappeared, and it made him painfully aware that despite how Sai look frightening, he was lonely as well but it doesn't stop his resentment. Sai is selfish and he was dragging him as well.
The silence descended between them and that is most likely the answer he could get from Sai. He opened his mouth once again to ask the same question when he was interrupted by Sai himself.
"You're special." Was uttered simply like a matter of fact that was only needed to be stated aloud. He stared at Sai in bafflement, mind drawing up blank at the answer, as he opened and closed his mouth like a duck wanting to quack but voice caught on his throat. During this, Sai continued staring at him with those same penetrating intense gaze as his other hand reached to touch his cheek that made him flinch at the cold hand. Sai cupped his cheek in affection with his pale lips quirk into a pleasant small smile but it didn't make him feel any better, only made him shiver at the cold caress lingering on his cheek and the hair at the back of his neck raised followed by the slight tremor of his body.
He doesn't like it when Sai touches him, but he leaned on Sai's touch all the same.
"You're special, Hikaru." Sai repeated, eyes glistening with delight but it didn't bode well for him because it only made Sai look frightening even more now that he have those determined gaze penetrating him, taking a hold of his soul, darkening it at every passing moment and he couldn't stop the tears from falling because no matter where he look, he couldn't shrug off Sai's gaze on him. That seemingly determined yet dangerous gaze, dragging him to madness..
"Sleep now, Hikaru." Sai whispered in his soothing low and cold voice but he doesn't want to sleep so he begged tearfully, "Don't let me sleep.." Please, Please! Don't let me sleep! His mind turning over his thoughts with the same mantra like a broken machine – utterly useless and unfixable.
Sai made him rest on his bed, tucking him like a mother will do before bed but he doesn't want this. Don't let me sleep! I beg you! His mind screamed, pleaded with all he got.
"You're tired, you should go to sleep, Hikaru." Sai whispered and he could see that Sai is smiling at him in that frightening smile and his determined and penetrating gaze never leaving his sight. And he wanted to get away, but all he could do is stare back at Sai with his own frightened and tearful gaze and pleaded, "Don't let me sleep, Sai.. please.." Followed by a sniff yet he could feel the growing tiredness behind his eyelids overcoming his body and he doesn't want to obey his instinct to sleep it all away. He grabbed Sai's left hand with his right hand in an attempt to stay awake, gripping it tightly as he could and feeling fearful to let the hand go as his eyes slowly closes despite his protest while he continued begging and his voice falling into mere whispers. He wouldn't let himself sleep, he wouldn't allow himself to fall because he knew, he just knew that if he will, he will..
There was a sudden tic coming straight from atop the door, from the wall clock attach up there, it was midnight. And it was now May 5th.
..fall into an eternal sleep.
"Goodnight, Hikaru." Was the uttered whisper he heard like a soft spoken words of a loved one's followed by a cold brush of lips against his forehead, then a cold hand caressing his forehead, parting his hair. He wanted to open his eyes and to protest but he couldn't, not anymore. Then image flashed on his mind in rapid succession.
Sai and him laughing.
Snow falling from the sky with Sai walking behind him.
Sai looking at the fishes and aquarium at the Go association with great interest.
Talking to Sai about traditional umbrellas.
Sai squealing and clinging to him when Sai is happy.
Sai teaching him how to play Go, all those times he played against him.
Sai's breath taking match with Touya-Meijin over the NetGo.
Sai appearing on a Goban for the first time and him waking up in a white room on the hospital.
Him waking up with Sai gone and facing an unfinished game.
The panic and despair settling on him at the thought that Sai is really gone.
Running around Hiroshima to find Sai then going back to Tokyo to look for Sai.
Sai telling him he will disappear and him not believing him then how it break his heart for not believing him.
Him begging to God for Sai to come back because he couldn't just live without him..
'I don't need anything! I won't ask to play anymore! So..! God! Please! Return things to the beginning! Return time to when I first met him!' He then remembered his plea to God.
..And his wish was granted in a strange and definitely different way with a highly unpleasant price.
In a new different world, with new different situation, with different Sai, and with no memories of his real world not until now that he is dying.. for a moment he felt despair gripping his heart like a black endless void. And then he knew no more, his eternal sleep claiming him on the same date that Sai has disappeared from his life but before a parting thoughts rang on his mind.
He wasn't crazy to begin with.
He was only wasted away in this life just like how he wasted away Sai's after life.
It was payback, coming from Sai – without him even knowing – and made real by God himself.
I'm sorry, Sai..
~end~
Basic gist: Hikaru is a sick child, who have Sai with him. Sai is sending him those dreams about canon, like an alternative dimension where Hikaru meet Sai in a normal occurrence and Sai is warm and gentle in those dreams. At Hikaru's 11th bday he started seeing Sai but only if he is at the hospital. Before his 15th bday on May, he talked to Sai for the first time and it was then he learned that Sai is a ghost who doesn't wish to harm him yet doing exactly that. You could say that Sai is protective over Hikaru but his continued presence on Hikaru's life is the reason of Hikaru's health plummeting until it lead Hikaru to his last coma that took his life. Sai doesn't mean to harm Hikaru but his continued presence hurts Hikaru and Sai doesn't want to leave Hikaru behind. On those dreams Hikaru had, you could say that Sai is pulling Hikaru's consciousness into an unknown world (which we'll call as the canon world) thus Hikaru learns there and still have those knowledge with him. As for the haunting thing with Sai, Sai is essentially a ghost, his intention isn't to harm Hikaru but being a ghost, his continued presence drains Hikaru's life force and that's why Sai could only make himself appear if he is at the hospital because there are lots of people dying there. About Sai draping(hugging or embracing) himself over Hikaru, it's like his way of showing that he would protect Hikaru but it is actually tad creepy because Hikaru couldn't see Sai yet he could feel Sai's cold presence around him. About what the priest said, I heard that kind of second-hand information on my relatives. It was actually about a ghost, always following a certain person who draped on that person's body like a cocoon (That ghost would cover that person in blanket, or you could take it in as a hug or embrace, and that person wouldn't be visible while sleeping and it is happening to my cousin, though it was also told that his deceased father's spirit was with her as well protecting her from the other ghost) every night that person sleeps, it was said that that person who have a ghost like that will die eventually because that kind of ghost takes that person's soul to eat (the kind of ghost I was talking about is a lady ghost wearing an all black attire). And.. the ending is that, Hikaru in this fic, is actually Hikaru of the canon world, who have his wish granted in a different way with different price and Sai wasn't actually showing him his made-up memories but it was actually his real memories before he came into this world and all Sai did was haunt him like a ghost he is. Anyway that's the basic gistand some explanation, now please READ and REVIEW! :~)