Forgiven
(Song by Within Temptation)
A Johnny Fic
(A/N: I do not own anything in this story, excluding the plot. While this IS a songfic, the song is supposed to represent Ponyboy's feelings. Does that make any sense?)
Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by
Johnny stared down into the spotless white sink. The porcelain was too white. He could change that, he figured as he pressed the blade of his switch into his palm. He tore at the scars there, reopening old wounds. The red spilled into the sink, bright red against the dark shade of his skin. His eyes watered slightly.
Oh, for so long, I've tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence
Ponyboy stepped into the school washroom.
"Hey Johnny." He walked over to the sink.
He glanced down at the sink. Johnny's hand was bleeding. He looked from the blade to Johnny's hand and then back again.
"Is it your parents again, Johnnycake?" He asked sympathetically.
"Yeah, Ponyboy. It's getting real bad. I don't know how much more of it I can take. A person can only take so much. Please don't tell anyone?" Johnny knew Pony wouldn't say anything to anyone.
He'd kept his secret for this long.
Ponyboy leaned over and hugged Johnny before returning to class.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
It was late at night, and Johnny lay on the Curtis's couch, wide awake. He held a safety pin to his palm, poking himself repeatedly. He moved the pin around, from his finger tips to his palm to his wrist. He gently drew a white scratch line across his wrist; he contemplated what it would feel like to slowly be drained of blood. Ponyboy stumbled into the living room and sat down in Darry's armchair.
"What are you doing, Johnny?" He asked sleepily.
Johnny tucked the pin into his jeans pocket inconspicuously. "Nothin', Pony. I think the more important question is why you are still up."
"I had another of my nightmares... and Sodapop's at the DX for the night shift; then I remembered you are here, and you calm me down usually." Ponyboy's legs dangled over the arm of the chair; his yes were half-closed.
"C'mon, Pony... let's get you back to bed." Johnny said, lifting Ponyboy from the armchair under the armpits.
I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away
Johnny tucked Ponyboy back in; it felt odd to be doing this. Ponyboy was only two years younger than him, anyway, but sometimes Johnny felt that he still needed to protect him. Usually the gang thought of the situation the other way around; they always insisted that Johnny was the one who needed to be protected. But Pony was young yet, and Johnny could take care of himself, provided he wasn't being attacked by more than one person.
He rubbed Ponyboy's back, humming an old song to himself.
"Johnny... what song is that?" Pony asked sleepily, tilting his head to one side on the pillow.
"It's just a lullaby my mother used to sing to me. I don't remember the words, but I do remember that it was before Dad became an alcoholic; back when my mother still loved me. Go to sleep, Pony, you got school tomorrow." Johnny often wondered what it was that he had done wrong to deserve parents like his.
He looked down; Pony was fast asleep.
Johnny tiptoed out of the room and lay back down on the couch. He fiddled with his switch, flipping the blade out and retracting it dozens of times before he drifted off into a fitful sleep.
Oh, for so long, I've tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence
Johnny was running through the forest; a gust of wind caused him to look up at the sky. Angry black clouds rolled overhead, and he heard thunder in the distance. He looked behind himself; the trees seemed to be chasing him. Where was he? He felt so lost and alone. He tripped on a rock and fell to the ground; when he picked up his skinned hands to examine them, he realized that they were way too small for him. He pulled his switch out of his pocket and looked into the blade; it was him, alright, but he was younger. Was he dreaming? He couldn't tell. He got up again, meandering along this time.
The rain began to pour down on his head; he popped the collar of his jean jacket and pulled it close to his neck to shield himself from the driving rain and ever-changing wind. Nothing seemed familiar.
Nothing seemed familiar... what had his life come to? Johnny jolted up. It was early morning; the sun had not even begun to rise outside. He grabbed his jacket and walked outside, not wanting to be there when the Curtis's awakened. He never wanted to be a burden.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
He wandered down the street toward is house. It was silent. It was never silent at his house. He cracked the door and slid through the tiny space, making the smallest amount of noise possible. He tiptoed to his room and shut the door. He grabbed a bag and began shuffling things into it. Extra clothes, a notebook, pencils, his comb, hair grease; various other things. He grabbed a notepad and pen off of his dresser.
'Dear Mother and Father;
I've gone to a place where I will no longer be a burden to you. You never really loved me, did you? Well I always loved you... but now I am done. I can't stand this any more. I'm gone. Have a nice life together, without me.
Your loving son.'
And another note:
'Dear Ponyboy and Gang;
You guys let Ponyboy read this first; it's mainly for him. I don't want you to argue about who is reading it first. I am going to California; I'm just a burden to y'all here. I stay at your house, eat your food, consume your time. I don't deserve how well you've treated me... you all are more family than I've ever had before. Don't worry about me; maybe I'll be back someday. Find Dally and have him read it too. I love you guys; you've kept me alive for this long.
Stay gold, Ponyboy; all you other guys, you know what I'd say to you.
Your friend forever,
Johnny H. Cade.'
I've been so lost since you've gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?
Johnny placed the folded note for his parents on the kitchen table with 'Mother and Father' written on it. Then he slipped out the door, silent as could be.
He walked down the street to the Curtis house. The sun was just peeking over the horizon as he slipped the letter into the letterbox; he looked at their house for the last time. No, not the last time, he thought.
Just the last time for a little while.
He'd be back soon, he thought as he walked down the street. He suddenly felt free, as if a huge weight had been lifted off of his chest. He didn't know how he'd get there, but eventually he would end up in California; he just had to.
He twisted his blade into the skin of his palm for a second. Then, he stopped thoughtfully, and dropped the switch back into his pocket. He didn't need to do that anymore; he was free from the bonds of his parents. At least, for a while.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
Through the window, Ponyboy watched Johnny's back retreat down the street. He knew that he should go and try to stop his friend, but this was what Johnny needed to do. He'd be back someday, because Ponyboy was his best friend.
Right now, what Johnny Cade needed was a nice little adventure on which he could be allowed to find out who he really was.