I came home late on purpose. I probably could've been home earlier, but I convinced Amelia to watch the kids while I busied myself at the hospital. I just wasn't ready to face my sister. At least not yet.

I had hoped that no one would notice Riggs putting his hand on my shoulder - or if they did they'd brush it off as just friends - but as I walked around the hospital it was clear that there was no more hiding. Nothing I could say would make these people, that had been my friends for years, believe that I wasn't into Riggs. It was too late for that, now it was time for damage control.

Amelia had stopped me in the hall first. Her mouth was graced with a smirk and I let out a deep breath, getting ready for a smart comment. I loved Amelia, I did, but she tested my patience time and time again.

"You didn't tell me that your date the other night was with Riggs," she whispered it as if the rest of the hospital didn't already know. "Now that," she let out a small laugh, "that was a surprise. I did not see that coming at all. I mean, I figured you'd date eventually, but Riggs? Don't get me wrong, he's handsome but-"

"Not now," I hissed. "I can't talk about this now."

"Oh, c'mon-"

"I am at work, Amelia. We are not doing this here," I said with finality, then I sauntered away, my mind racing at how this was going to go.

She rolled her eyes, agreeing to let it go, but calling after me in the hallway, "You're telling me all about it tonight, though, Grey! You can't weasel away from me forever."

I wanted to mention how she'd been weaseling away from her husband for months, so I could definitely avoid her just as well, but I decided to control my bitterness. I wasn't mad at her. I was just mad that this all was out in the open. I only just agreed to date Riggs, I wasn't ready for the world to know yet.

But I knew this wasn't about the world at all. I didn't care if the world knew, I just wasn't ready for Maggie to know yet. She would be so hurt. She was just... she was my little sister, through and through. She was hopeful and optimistic, but right now she was feeling lower than I'd ever saw her due to the death of her mom, and here I was, about to kick her when she was down. She'd been hurting so much. Part of me still felt guilty for agreeing to go out with Riggs, because she was the one I never wanted to hurt. We had come a long way from where we started and I had learned to love her. I tried not to, but somewhere along the way she became my family. And family just doesn't do these things to each other. I didn't have one growing up, but I'd learned a lot of lessons about being a family since becoming an intern all those years ago.

Which is why I was sneaking into my own house at two in the morning. I'd completed a surgery, caught up on paperwork, went over patient charts for tomorrow... I hooked up with Riggs in an on call room too, but that was beside the point. The point was, I ran out of excuses to excuse me not going home. I felt bad for not seeing my kids, but I knew they'd assume it was a doctor thing, not a thing with me avoiding their aunt. Although I'd have to be careful, because Zola was getting quite perceptive of when there was a fight going on, even if there wasn't bickering. She had began to learn that silence speaks louder than words.

I shut the door softly behind me, trying not to wake anyone up. I re-locked it before heading up to my bedroom. All I wanted to do was sleep. Seeing people all day and having them know all my business... I just wasn't used to that anymore. I hadn't dated since Derek and I didn't think I ever would. I thought the days of whispered rumors and intrusive questions were long behind me. I forgot how involved this hospital truly was with my love life.

I walked into my room expecting to sleep but I was caught by surprise. There she was, the one person I had successfully avoided all day, waiting up for me where I really couldn't escape her. She was sitting on my bed and she'd already seen me. I had no out.

"I thought you weren't going to come home," she stated matter-of-factly.

Well, she didn't sound angry, so that had to be a good thing. I almost got hope.

"Of course I came home, I'm not on call. I just had to finish up some charting."

"Right, until two in the morning," she clicked her tongue. "And this wasn't because you didn't want to see me?"

I laughed it off as if I'd done nothing wrong - although technically I hadn't done anything wrong. Riggs was mine first. We were a thing before Maggie even uttered his name in front of me. I would have told her right then, but I really did think I'd be able to stay away. I didn't expect him to actually woo me over. He was a pompous ass, I had no reason to believe I wouldn't be able to just let him go. It drove me crazy that I couldn't. For weeks, months, I tried to get him off my mind, but at the end of the day he always lingered.

"Maggie, you're my sister. I want to see you, I was busy at work. I'm a surgeon, you know that means long hours," I explained, lying through my teeth.

She crossed her arms and I knew she wasn't going to let this slide off her back. Her eyes were filled with confusion and hurt and I prepared to hear the consequences of my actions. I would have to tell me eventually, so I might as well listen now. It would only make it worse if I made her wait until tomorrow.

"You told me we were done with lies, Meredith. And then you - you took him from me!"

"It's not like that at all," I instantly tried to plead with her. "We hooked up before you even told me you liked him. It wasn't like-"

That was not the right answer.

"So you just watched me make a fool out of myself?" she exclaimed, trying to keep her voice hushed to avoid waking the kids, but I heard her exasperation loud and clear.

I wish I knew what to say to make her understand. I wish I knew why he was so captivating, why I forgot about ferry boat scrub caps and post its when I was kissing him. I wish could rationally explain why I couldn't just let this go like I wanted so badly to, but he was Riggs. I tried and tried, but the only explanation I really had was he was Riggs. I didn't want to, but I fell into his trap and fell for him. I said I was done. I meant that I was done, too. But, as he said, I kept coming back. After a while I couldn't keep pretending like that didn't mean something.

"I-"

"It's humiliating," she told me bluntly. "You don't get it, you have guys fawning over you constantly - you've never been turned down in your life - but it is absolutely humiliating! Having a guy say no, wanting someone you can't have..."

She trailed off. I opened my mouth to argue about how I knew exactly how hard it was to get turned down, but I decided I wouldn't bring up Addison. I hadn't mentioned anything about her to Maggie and I refused to now. Besides, I had a pretty good feeling the bringing up the memory of Addison wouldn't help me much in this case scenario. I'm sure Maggie had heard about my entire history with Derek, the rest of the hospital certainly did, but I refused to mention Addison because I refused to mention Derek. They were both long gone.

But the memories were there, and I remember how god damn awful I felt when he chose her. He came around, but watching this man that I was in love with decide he just didn't love me enough to stay with me was enough rejection to last a lifetime. I understood how awful she must have felt, but I really didn't know this would happen. In the moment, as wrong as I ended up being, I thought I was doing the right thing. I figured I'd push Riggs away to the point where he'd stop trying to pursue me, we'd both move on and Maggie would never have to know.

"He was staring at you this whole time and you let me believe it was me, you let me believe he liked me, and - damn it, Meredith, I'm so stupid," she cursed herself under her breath. Then, she regained her composure and looked at me, this time with tears. "You promised to be honest with me."

"And I was," I protested. "Maggie, I told you no more lies. I avoided him at all costs, I stopped seeing him, stopped texting him, stopped smiling at him in the hallways. I really tried to let him go."

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

Now that I thought back that would have been a lot easier than this, but at the time it felt like I couldn't. I felt guilty for even thinking about another guy, nevermind confessing that I slept with one. It was Meredith and Derek. They didn't understand that it was always supposed to be Meredith and Derek. He wasn't supposed to die, it was never supposed to be so complicated.

"I would have understood."

"I know," I sighed.

Because now I did know, but at the time it wasn't so clear. I couldn't help but think of her as my kid sister when it came to protecting her feelings. I thought when Lexie died I was over the whole sibling thing, but Maggie weaved her way into Grey-Sloan and I was stuck. I didn't want to get hurt the way I did with Lexie, but, honestly, who didn't like Maggie? She had that innocent charm and thought the best about people. Sure, she was a little socially awkward sometimes, but she wouldn't be Maggie if she wasn't. I just didn't want to hurt her.

"How can I fix this?" I sighed heavily. I hated seeing her so mad at me when I truly didn't mean to do anything wrong. Looking back, I really should've known I was going to get burned when he didn't give up after I said we couldn't be together the first time.

"I don't know," she suddenly stood up. "I can't do this. I can't look at you right now without feeling betrayed. I thought we were in a good place, but this whole time you were living this life that you didn't fill me in on. And that's fine, I don't need to be a part of your love life, but it was with him. You could've at least given me a heads up."

"It wasn't planned, it's a new thing. I didn't even know I'd agree to date him until a few days ago. Please, Maggie, just please, let this go."

She shook her head, her eyes suddenly becoming narrow. "That's the thing, Meredith, it's always about you, right? You have to decide what's a big deal and what we should brush off. I can't. I forgave you for a lot of things, but I can't keep blindly forgiving when you consistently go behind my back and hurt me again! You're supposed to be my sister. Me, you and Amelia - I thought two people had my back no matter what. And you just stabbed me in it."

"Maggie - I didn't mean to do this, I-"

"Well, you did."

She sounded so defeated. I didn't know what to say to comfort her anymore. I tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen. Or maybe the problem was she listened too much. I felt guilt bubbling inside me, remembering how cruel I was. I told him to say no to her. I forbid him from going out with Maggie, yet claimed I would never go out with him myself. I should have let him break the news about us to her when she asked him out. Forget that, I should've been the one to break the news to her. After all, as she kept reminding me, I was her sister.

"I don't know how I'll get past this one, Mer."

I looked down, inhaling a deep breath than exhaling. I truly ran out of words. I didn't know what to say. All I could do was hope she'd get over it soon. She had to. She never held a grudge.

She walked to the door and I thought the conversation was over and I could mope in my guilt until I fell asleep, but then she turned around in the doorway, shaking her head. She hastily wiped away a tear, but I pretended not to notice.

"You know I'd never do this to you. Just remember that."

idk if I'm going to continue this, but I can't wait for the episode so I figured I'd write a version of my own. I don't know what's going to happen on Thursday but I can't wait to see it go down. Review if you please!