i.
She is practicing her singing in her bedroom. Regionals are close, and she has to be perfect. They have to win Nationals, it's her last chance. It's many people's last chance. She's alone at home, and usually she would tell Finn to come over, but she had specifically asked him to leave her alone tonight because she needed to practice. So when her phone vibrates she just ignores it. But apparently someone's being a tad too insisting. She checks her phone. Finn.
From: Finn
Rach, can I come over? I need to tell you something.
Rachel knows him, and she knows every technique he has to get her to bend, she has heard plenty of them before. She will not bend tonight.
To: Finn
Finn, I have already asked you to give me my space tonight. I promise you tomorrow I'm all yours, but I really need to practice. I love you.
She sends the text and turns her phone off, he can always distract her so easily.
About an hour later she hears a loud banging on her door. She grunts. Who the hell is it? She goes downstairs and opens the door. Finn. She is about to tell him to go home because, hasn't he read the text she sent him an hour ago? But there's something in his eyes. Concern, and slight determination.
"Finn? What's wrong?", she asks.
He takes two long strides into her house and starts pacing in the living room. He's nervous. She closes the door and sits on the couch. She hates when he gets like this, but she knows he needs to take his own time and when he's ready he'll talk to her.
A couple of minutes later he sits on the couch next to her.
"I'm sorry that I'm distracting you from your practice, but I kinda need to talk to you and you don't really need to practice much", he says, obviously still nervous.
She takes one of his hands on hers and squeezes it. "It's okay. What's wrong Finn?"
He opens his mouth, and then closes it. He takes a deep breath, while closing his eyes. "I've decided what I want to do with my future".
She smiles and looks at him expectantly. He can't see her though, because his eyes are still closed. "That's great Finn. I knew you could do it.", she says. "What is it?"
He's silent. She starts to get scared, because what if whatever he decided means he has to go to London, or China, or anywhere but New York? No, she can't think like that, she can't be selfish. This is his future, he deserves to be happy.
"I want to enroll in the Army", he whispers.
Her world just stopped. Her smile is long gone. The Army? Doesn't that mean he could… die? No, she can't do this. She has to breathe, but she can't cry, not in front of him. He deserves to be happy. If the Army makes him happy, then she guesses the Army it is. She doesn't know what to say though.
He opens his eyes. He lifts his free hand and wipes a tear off her face she hadn't even realized she was shedding. She composes herself. "That's great Finn", she says, her voice almost broken. She was an excellent actress, but she had learned to not have to be one in front of him. "If it's what'll make you happy"
"Rach-"
"No, Finn, really. I'm happy for you", she smiles at him, or at least she tries. But she needs to get him out of here because she can feel the thin walls around her starting to crumble. "I am. Now you need to go home, because it's late and I need to get back to practice. Contrary to your belief, I do need to practice.", she continues while pushing him through her living room and soon she's opening her door and he standing outside, wearing a concerned look on his face.
"Rach-", he whispers again, and she cuts him off with a kiss because she can't do this right now. She can't deal with the look on his face, or the concerned tone she hears in his voice, anything. So instead she kisses him. In a very Rachel-Berry-like manner, just pouring herself entirely into the kiss, like always, but she knows there's something different in this one, and she knows he can feel it too.
She pulls away. "Bye Finn, see you tomorrow okay?", she whispers and closes the door. She knows he's still there, standing in her doorstep, and a couple of minutes later she hears his truck leave, and that's when she lets the tears fall. And once she starts, she can't stop. She cries herself to sleep that night.
ii.
She's sitting on her couch watching TV, but she's not really paying attention to it. She really can't pay attention to many things lately. It all changed that night. I mean, they haven't. They still spend every day together, all day, just like always. At school nobody really notices it, because they are really good at pretending. But she knows they can't rely on pretending forever, can they? Someday they're gonna have to face it, because graduation is only a few months away. Last year, at the library she knew they would have an expiration date. But when he told her that he really had no idea of what he wanted to do, she couldn't help herself and felt hope, that maybe, just maybe, he would want to go to New York with her. She knew he was capable of doing anything he proposed himself to, and apparently, he understood it too. But she really didn't see that Army thing coming.
A knock en her door. She gets up and opens the door, and really this feels like a déjà vu, because for the second time this week, Finn is there. Except this time, before she can say anything, he throws himself at her and hugs her, and she's not sure, but she thinks he might be crying.
Without letting go of him, she closes the door, and walks them to the couch where they sit. She keeps hugging him, not talking, because she really does know him so well, and she knows he'll talk when he's ready.
About five minutes later she is starting to get really worried and she can't take it anymore. "Finn?". No answer. "Finn. Did something happen? Is everyone okay?". She doesn't know why, but her mind goes to Burt and last year, and remembers being in a very similar position with him in that situation, and she starts to get scared. But before she can say anything else, he speaks.
"She lied.", he lets out in a broken whisper.
"Who?", she asks.
"My mom." And all of a sudden he gets up abruptly and starts pacing and she can see his anger on his face. "She fucking lied to me Rachel! All this time, she's been lying to me for years, years! All those stuff about him being a hero, it was all a lie! Because apparently I have a sing on my forehead that says 'Lie to me', because I'm so fucking stupid! Quinn lied to me about the baby, you lied to me about Jesse and now she has been lying to me ever since I was a little kid!" He starts to slowly break down into nothing but tears, and to be honest, she is shedding a few tears herself, because she loves him, and she doesn't understand what's happening, and she just hates seeing him like this, so defeated.
He sits on the couch again and looks at her, and his look makes her want to just scream, and kiss it all away, because he deserves so much better than this. He just looks so desperate, so… broken. "Why does everyone lie to me Rach? Is it because I'm stupid?" And then he puts his head in his hands and looks at the floor.
She gets up from the couch and kneels in front of him. She grabs his hands and makes him look at her, and really this does seem like another déjà vu, because not too long ago, she did all this, and she was kind of hoping she would never have to do it again. "Finn Hudson, you listen to me. You are not stupid. You are anything but stupid. When are you going to realize all the amazing things that you are?"
"Then why did she lie Rach? Why?"
"I can't tell you if you don't tell me what happened", she simply says.
"My dad. She lied about my dad. Rach, he did not die in combat. He was dishonorably discharged and left to die from an overdose in Cincinnati. He was no hero. I guess now we know why I'm such a loser. I have loser DNA all over me"
"Hey, you are not a loser. Stop saying that Finn.", she says. He doesn't say anything. She takes a deep breath and starts talking. "Look, Quinn lied to you because she knew you would be a much better trusting father than Noah, and she was scared. She was fifteen. I am not defending her or her actions and I certainly don't agree with them, but I understand her. She was feeling her whole world slipping through her fingers because of one stupid mistake. I know what that's like. Which brings me to me. I lied because I was the stupid one here. I wanted to make you jealous, I don't know how I expected that would turn out, but that was the reason. But we were kids Finn. Fifteen-year-olds do stupid stuff sometimes."
"You mean like sleeping with Santana Lopez?", he says as he lets out a weak chuckle.
She laughs weakly. "Yeah, something like that. The truth is, Finn, we all do stupid things sometimes, even adults. And sometimes we do them without even realizing it because we mean well. Look at what I did at the Senior Class President election for Kurt."
"That was pretty stupid.", he says. "What about my mom?"
"I don't know exactly why she did it Finn, but I'm pretty sure she meant well. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to protect you. A mother's wish is for her child to never lose that innocence we all have when we're little, before the world, or television I must say, take it from us.", she says and squeezes his thigh.
He takes a deep breath. "You may be right." Then he pauses for a bit and then he starts again. "Can-can I stay here tonight please? I just really don't want to go home Rach"
She thinks about it. "With one condition. Call you mother and tell her you'll be here."
He grunts. "Can you do that please?"
She sighs and extends her hand for him to give her his cell. "Fine, but you can't run away forever"
He gives it to her and kisses her. "I know. Thanks Rach, I love you."
She giggles. "I love you too", she says while she sits next to him on the couch. She goes through the contact list till she finds her and presses the call button. It rings barely one time before she picks up.
"Finn? Finn, honey where are you?", she hears Carole say.
"Um, Ms. Hummel, it's me, Rachel", she says, hesitantly.
"Oh, Rachel, sweetie. Are you guys at your place?"
"Um, yes. And Mrs. Hummel, um, Finn wants to stay here for tonight", she lets out nervously, because really, she's telling his boyfriend's mother that his son is going to be spending the night at her house when they are alone. Not the best conversation to have with your boyfriend's mother.
She hears silence. After a few seconds Carole speaks. "I understand", she doesn't sound angry, or suspicious. Just sad, broken, and it makes Rachel want to cry. "Rachel, just…", she trails off. "Just tell him that I'm sorry, that I only wanted to protect him, to shield him from the truth. You should've seen him when he was a kid and anybody mentioned his father. His face would light up and he'd start talking about him nonstop, and he was just so proud. I didn't want for that to go away.", she says, only above a whisper. And then Rachel can hear her sniffling.
"It's okay Mrs. Hummel, I understand. And I'm sure in his own time Finn will too. Don't worry", Rachel says trying to calm her down, and earning a look from Finn.
"Thanks Rachel. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Mrs. Hummel", Rachel says and then hangs up. She looks at Finn and knows he does not want to keep talking about this. "Come on. Let's make dinner", she says smiling as she grabs his hand and tugs him into the kitchen.
When they get there, he pulls her close. "Thanks babe."
She smiles lovingly at him. "Anytime.", she says and kisses him.
iii.
She's sitting on her bed, still shocked. She can't believe this has happened. She's just… she has no words at all. She has to talk to someone, but she doesn't know who she should talk to. Kurt and Mercedes would freak out. Her dads… yeah, not an option. She needs someone that completely outside of their relationship. Maybe Santana, but no. Santana hates her, so she would probably use it as a punch line somehow. Then it comes to her. The one person she knows will be totally honest with her. Quinn. So, she's decided. Tomorrow she's gonna talk to Quinn about this.
That night he calls her to say goodnight.
"Hi" she says softly after answering her phone.
"Hi", he whispers. There's silence for a few seconds. "I just wanted to call to say goodnight"
"Oh… um, goodnight."
"Rach…"
"What Finn? What did you expect? For me to jump in joy and just scream yes?", she says in a whisper. She doesn't mean to be mean, but she just… she doesn't understand it. She needs to understand it.
"Honestly? Yes. Rach, weeks after I joined glee for the first time you suggested eloping"
"Oh, come on Finn. We both know that I was just a crazy fifteen-year-old in love with someone who didn't love her back. You don't get to use that now"
"Fine Rach, it's just… don't you love me?"
"Of course I love you Finn, more than you'll ever know, but-"
"Don't you see us married and living together down the line?", he cuts her off.
"Well, yes, but-"
"Then why hold off the inevitable?", he cuts her off again.
"Finn, let me speak." She says. He shuts up. "Look, of course I love you, you're everything to me. And of course I see us married down the line it's just… Finn we're eighteen. We can't be married at eighteen."
"You're simply stating things that don't matter. Rachel, I love you. And I know that I'll spend the rest of my life with you. I know you're the one for me."
"And that's really sweet and romantic but-"
"Tell me what's really wrong"
"What do you mean?", she asks.
"You know what I mean. I know you. I know age doesn't make that much of a difference for you. What's wrong?", he asks.
There's a moment of silence before she finally speaks up. "I just… what are we going to do if we get married? After graduation I mean. What will happen with our lives?"
He sighs. "I don't know Rach. I know that as long as we're together, that's all that matters. I mean, I am going to New York with you, that's for sure. And I'll get a job while I still consider my dreams. I just can't hold still while I wait for a dream to come to me. For now, my dream is you, Rach. You in our apartment. You in a white dress walking towards me. You with our baby in your arms. Just you. I still don't know what my other dream is, so for now I'm gonna work on the only one I know for sure"
There's a longer moment of silence. Well not exactly silence, because she's sniffling. "Do you really mean that?", she whispers.
"Every word.", he says.
Another moment on silence. "I just need some time to think okay? Just give me two or three days okay?" she says.
"Okay. G'night Rach. I love you."
"Goodnight Finn. Love you too" she answers. Then she goes to sleep, determined to talk to Quinn tomorrow.
iv.
Okay, talking to Quinn did not help her at all. And her singing that song and saying all those things? Not even close to helping her. Besides, Finn totally knows that she talked to Quinn. That day, after glee practice, Quinn comes to her while she's in her locker.
"Hey", Quinn says.
"Hi Quinn." Silence. "You did a great job with that song Quinn. You were amazing. And… I-I'm really proud of you for getting into Yale. You deserve it"
"How come you're never mean to me even though I've put you through hell for at least three years?" Quinn asks.
"I never hated or resented you Quinn. I guess in some weird level I understood that you were under a lot of pressure. But most of that pressure came from yourself. If you would let your guards down and shown your true-self more often, you'd be a lot happier. You're an amazing person Quinn. You just didn't know it back then. But I saw it."
Quinn stays quiet for a few seconds. "Thank you", she then whispers. A few seconds of more silence. "So, have you decided your answer yet?"
"Not yet" she says calmly. "But I have time. Finn's being really flexible and patient with me."
"God Rachel, he's not!" Quinn suddenly yells. Rachel's eyes widen in surprise. "If he was being patient he would ask you after you had graduated college, not before you've even graduated high school!" She takes a few breaths to calm herself down. "Look Rachel, he's ruining your life. You're ruining both of your lives"
"We are not doing that-" Rachel tries to say but Quinn cuts her off.
"Yes you are. Aren't you the one who always says that Finn is so much better than he can see for himself? Aren't you the one who always says that he should believe in himself more?" Rachel nods. "Then tell me this, don't you think you'd be tying him down with this engagement? He'd follow you to New York like a puppy, we all know that. But, what would he do there huh? Continue to follow you around like a puppy? He deserves better, or at least that's what you say"
"Ughh! I've had enough!" Rachel yells in exasperation. "I've had enough of people telling us that all we do is hold each other back! Don't you see that we actually make ourselves push onto something better?! No, you don't! Because you're never around Quinn! You don't know what our relationship's like! Can't you see the change we've made in ourselves?!"
Quinn looked at her wide-eyed. Was Rachel Berry yelling? Wow. "Look Rachel, I know that you've made each other happy and even better. In high school. Not in real life."
"Look Quinn, I really appreciate your concern, I do, but I'm tired and Finn's waiting for me in the parking lot. I have to go." Rachel says and closes the door to her locker.
"Okay, but just… promise me one thing Rach" Quinn says. Rachel looks at her. "Promise me you'll think about it really carefully. This is the rest of your lives we're talking about here. You can't take it lightly"
"Who says I'm taking it lightly?" Rachel says. Then sighs. "I promise. Bye Quinn"
"Bye Rachel."
v.
So, she's really happy for Kurt. Really. He deserves it so much. But she can't lie. She's really sad, and disappointed, and just desperate, because… what is she going to do now? She doesn't have a back up plan. It's like she said to Kurt. She has nothing here. All she has is Finn.
Finn. The one person who understands her. Now she really knows what it's like to be on his shoes. Ever since she was three years old, she knew what she wanted to be, what she wanted her life to be. Broadway, stardom, awards. That's all she's ever known. And then Finn came around. And he showed her that life is so much more that just popularity, because, what does popularity mean if she doesn't have anyone to share it with? So her dreams changed a bit. She still wanted Broadway and stardom and awards. But she also wanted Finn. To get married, to have his children, to grow old with him. She wanted it all. She should have known you can't have everything in life.
So maybe now she understands why Finn did this. They are only sure of one thing about their futures. And that is that they are in each other's pictures. So maybe this whole proposal thing doesn't sound so crazy after all. Maybe she should just say yes. She knows she wants to. Maybe she will. But still, she has her doubts. She needs something to just make her decide.
vi.
Okay, 'I Just Can't Stop Loving You' made her make up her mind. She feels completely related to the song, and the way Finn kept looking at her. While singing that song she saw it all. The three possibilities. She saw herself married to Finn and on Broadway. She saw herself married to Finn and not on Broadway. And the last one was herself on Broadway, alone. And it was the only one in which she was unhappy. She needed Finn in her life, that's for sure. He's the only thing she's sure about.
So she just said yes. And his face made her fall in love with him even more, which she thought was already impossible. So she's eighteen years old, she has no idea of what she wants to do with her life and she's engaged. You would think she wouldn't the happiest person in the world right now. Well, she kind of is.
vii.
She really didn't see that NYADA letter coming. But it did. It did come. And she is just so happy. So she tells Kurt, who is super happy for her. But then he mentions Finn. No, she hadn't told him yet. And usually she would go to him running after talking to Kurt and tell him the news jumping and squealing. But then a doubt came to her mind. What if this engagement was a mistake? What if the only reason she said yes was because she felt she had nothing else in life, but then her NYADA letter came and her dreams were okay again? What now? Does she still want this? What if she regrets it?
So, she goes home and thinks about it. No she really doesn't regret it. She loves Finn. She can have it all. Broadway, stardom, awards and Finn. They can do this, right?
She goes to the tire shop on his break. She tells him about the NYADA letter, and as soon as she sees his face she knows he didn't make a mistake. The way his face lights up with pride and joy, the way he hugs her and the way he kisses her.
"I'm so proud of you babe. I knew you could do it", he says.
"Thank you Finn. You have no idea how much this means to me. I love you", she tells him, and smiles, and just kisses him.
Yeah, they're going to be just fine. She can have it all.