Ares drummed his fingers on his arm rests impatiently.
"No. No no and no again." He told to smith god in front of him.
"DO so or you risk severe public humiliation." Hephaestus warned, and Ares sniffed.
"No wonder she doesn't like you, you worthless cripple. I will not stop seeing your wife. It would be far more humiliating to drop her because of a threat from a worthless cripple such as yourself. Divorce is quite common now, though, you could-"
"In the fan fictions, maybe." Hephaestus stood to go, mind racing. The next time his wife met with the war god, things would be nasty indeed.
Fanfictions? Ares wondered, glaring at the smith, What the hell are fanfictions?
He found out twenty minutes later. He punched it into Google. Ares didn't care what Athena said- if you didn't have a brain, well, you had Google. Athena just couldn't think outside the box.
The war god chuckled as he browsed the fanfics. Some would seriously piss off certain gods around here. Zeus… Hades, and… He highlighted one word in a summary.
Ares.
He opened the story and hit control 'F' (Why bother with card catalogues?) Scanning the page. When he finished, he hurriedly clicked on another story.
He slammed shut his laptops with murder in his eyes.
Nothing about him was positive. Nothing.
Those Authors would pay.
"No." Said Zeus flatly.
"But, Lord, you don't understand…" Ares pleaded. Because of Zeus's stupid only-kill-five-mortals-a-month rule, he could not commit a mass murder. Sure, he could wait. But Ares hated waiting. He could kill them indirectly, but the god wanted them to know why they were being killed. Then others would finally respect him.
"If you want respect, earn it. But not by fear." Zeus tapped his Mac impatiently. "These Authors do not think you are a good person. So they write bad things about you. Earn a good fanfiction. Deal with it."
"But sir." Ares was literally on his hands and knees. "My reputation."
"O-nay."
"But…"
"Non."
"Please…"
"NO!" Zeus roared, causing Ares to jump. "NO! how many times, Ares. You may not kill 558 kids! NO NO NO NO NO! NO!"
"But Zeus!"
"NO!" The throne room shook with his anger. "Get out!" Ares ran for the door, and Athena shoved past him. As he closed the door, he distinctly heard the words Percy Jackson.
He had to do something. He could dispatch a ton of soldiers… no, they were all in Iraq. He could blackmail Rick Riordan, but that was more Athena's gig. He could send the Blue Angels out to skywrite Ares Rox Your Stinky Sox, but that wouldn't do squat. He could flatten them all into pancakes and eat them for breakfast, but Zeus said no. He could crash all their computers, but they wouldn't know it was him.
Hmm.
He could just kill Rick Riordan, but-
"I would flatten you into a gazillion pieces and feed you to the titans." Said a snide voice behind him, and Ares spun, sword out.
Athena blocked it easily, an amused look on her face.
"Do you always murder people when they talk to you? Well, with your recent actions I suppose it might be required. Big Bad Percy Jackson might kill ya again, huh?" The goddess of wisdom snickered, and Ares swelled up in rage.
"Are you reading my mind?" He asked indignantly, feeling his head, which made Athena snicker.
"You were muttering to yourself, chowder head."
"You are being sarcastic, book brain." He said, then winced. That sounded so dumb. Why did Athena always outsmart him?
"Because you are an imbecile, that's why. The answer is right in front of you, do-do."
"Do-do? I thought they were extinct!"
"So is your intelligence. Think about it. You need a Beta Reader."
"My work is fine, thanks." Ares said nastily, and Athena shook her head sadly. She raised her fist, and an owl landed on it.
"No, the muse, idiot. Well, T.T.Y.L, if I am unlucky."
She glowed, then disappeared.
"T.T.Y.L?" Ares asked the empty air, "What the heck does T.T.Y.L mean?"
"I am sorry. Beta Reader is on a house call. May I take a message?" The receptionist asked, and Ares snorted in disgust.
"Where is she?" He demanded, and the receptionist regarded him carefully.
"San Diego."
Oh.
"That's in California." The receptionist added helpfully, and Ares glared at her.
"I knew that." He said, stressing the past tense.
"T.T.Y.L" Said the receptionist.
San Diego, Ares thought angrily, was hardly an exact location. San Diego was a democratic place, and was rather large.
He pulled on his infrared goggles, looking. There! She was near the zoo. No, she was in the zoo. What the hay?
Well, whatever. It didn't matter to him.
"Beta Reader." The muse was hovering in spirit form over a kid with a green Mohawk, talking to him.
The kids eyes widened.
"Oh my god, ted, I just got this great idea for a fan fiction!" He told his green-mohawked friend. The friend looked interested.
"So, like, Ares kills Percy, and, like, Poseidon is mad, and, like, Athena is on Ares's side for once, and, like, Annabeth is all mad, and, like…"
"ATHENA ON MY SIDE?!" Ares demaned, also hovering. Beta Reader looked at him and shrugged.
"Gotta have some dumb-os." She said. "I must meet the demand, and you, Ares, are in the middle of a reputation crisis."
Ares gaped. It was amazing how this muse could act like she was superior to everyone, even the gods. But she did hold immense power, he realized, she could tear up a reputation with one whispered word.
"Well fix it!" He snapped. "You can fix it! You can! So do it!"
"It is not all me." Beta Reader frowned. "Rick Riordan has not portrayed you in good light. Go talk to him about it."
"Yah, but Athena will kill me." Beta Reader's eyes lit up. She looked over at another kid oogling the monkeys. The kid's eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and he seemed zoned out as he wandered around, writing the one-shot in his head.
Ares glared at the muse.
"I want a new wave of stories about me! Starring me! Favoring me as the innocent victim!"
"No need to speak in italics." Bets frowned at him. Ares stared at her.
"How did you know it was in italics?"
"I see all." She said. "I know all. Related with computers, anyway. And you need the new Microsoft Office 2007. So much better then '03. And you operating system? Vista is the way to go. T.T.Y.L"