The Random Adventures of Ford and Arthur
Beginnings
1975
Arthur sighed as he walked down the busy London street as the day had not been a good one. He'd been woken up by his particularly obnoxious neighbor Kenny, who was using his karaoke machine to sing a badly off-key version of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" at full volume at six in the morning.
On the way to the landlady to complain about this incident, his other neighbor, Bart, chose at that moment to let his terrier out for his morning business. Unlike most normal people, Bart did not walk his terrier. He just opened the door every morning and let the little mutt run down the stairs of the apartment building, through the lobby, and out the revolving door to pee with wild abandon in the four foot by four foot area of grass outside, despite the fact that it was a tripping hazard.
Arthur, for the briefest of moments before he fell, had no clue what hit him. About a millisecond later, with a blurry vision of a black and white little ball of mutt, he gained the clue, shouting, "BART!" as he tumbled down the stairs.
Unfortunately, this led to one of the bigger frivolities of the morning, (before I tell you that, I would like to point out the good things that Arthur experienced due to this happening, and state that Arthur came out of the fall completely unscathed… physically…) which was that at the end of Arthur's fall, where the floor is supposed to seemingly fall upward towards you and cause you physical pain, his landlady, and not the floor, was in his vision.
As stated before, Arthur came out of this incident completely unharmed. His landlady, Mrs. Rickter (who was about as old as her apartment building which had been built in the 1910s), however, came out with a broken collar bone and a wildly upset Arthur who'd agreed to pay the medical bills.
As soon as the ambulance came to collect Mrs. Rickter, Arthur treaded upstairs and back to his apartment. Once he was at the last flight of stairs before his floor, the sound of another off-key song hit him, this time Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". Arthur groaned mournfully at his forgetfulness.
Arthur, in fact, forgot two things, the first was to complain to the landlady about Kenny's performance and the second was Bart's dog.
The little dog had strode up the stairs to where Arthur was and had sat down, looking up at him, wondering, in its own dog way, if Arthur would cheer up if he saw it.
Arthur didn't.
Instead, trying to muster up what little was left of his sanity; he decided to head back to his apartment. On his first step, he accidently stepped on the tiny tail of Bart's dog.
The dog screamed. Arthur, seeing no other way to solve things, screamed back and backed up instinctively and lost his balance, causing Arthur's second drop down the stairs.
Fortunately, at the end of the stairs, he did not land on the landlady (if he had, he and many others would have marveled at the impossibility considering she was currently at the hospital). Unfortunately, he landed on the landlord. Mr. Rickter.
The end result was Mr. Rickter kicking Arthur out, giving him two weeks to, in his words, "pack up his crap and get the hell out".
This left Arthur with the profound need for a drink.
Arthur sighed again, continually walking. He had passed the pub awhile ago, too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice. He had officially decided that life in London was not for him and he should buy himself a house as far away from his job as he could bear.
Still strolling, Arthur dully wondered if anyone was having a worse day then him.
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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of bad days:
"Avoid if at all possible."
It goes on to say that the worst bad day ever was Ford Prefect's first day on Earth (as transmitted to the Guide offices by Ford Prefect and voted worst bad day by the staff), in which Ford arrived on Earth with almost no forward research and therefore assumed that cars were the dominant species on the planet. In his attempt to communicate with the car (which by a staggering coincidence was, in fact, a Ford Prefect), Ford accidently got run over by said automobile.
By the time he came to, he was in the hospital, about to go into surgery for the heart murmur he apparently had. Instead of causing a riot by informing the doctors that he, indeed, had two hearts, he simply told them that he'd rather deal with the murmur and that the concussion that he also had, was no problem. This is where he discovered that humans, not cars, were the dominant species and that cars were like spaceships that couldn't fly.
Having made this conclusion and stumbling out of the hospital, Ford then decided to hitch a lift to the nearest pub.
The ride itself was a disaster.
The man who was driving the car apparently had been kicked out of a pub already and was heading to another one to get even more drunk then he was currently. Ford, considering this a good fortune that the man was heading his way, jumped in.
This is when he figured out that humans were effected the same way by alcohol as pretty much everything else in the galaxy.
The speed of the ride eventually went up to 90 mph, causing Ford to grip anything gripable for dear life. Having not done any research on the planet and the culture of it, Ford had no clue what the norm was for cars on the road speed-wise.
Only when he frightfully caught a glance at the speedometer and seeing that it read 90 and spotting a sign on the side of the road that said "Speed Limit 45 mph", he determined that the driver was too intoxicated to be the driver for much longer.
Voicing his thoughts, Ford said something along the lines of, "Slow down, you bloody idiot, before we crash and die!"
The reply back from the driver was lost over the sound of them crashing into a rather large tree, thus resulting in Ford coming to (again) in the ambulance. Ford then informed the people in the ambulance that he had already been to the hospital that day and had been released and then managed to convince the driver that the day had been pretty stressing for them all; Why not go to a pub for some relief?
At the pub, Ford searched for the entry on Earth in the Guide and found only the word "Harmless" and thus concluded that, at the very least, the words "Mostly" should be added to the entry.
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At about twelve in the afternoon, Arthur finally managed to get himself to a pub. He'd been walking for a long period of time and had finally decided that he was quite thirsty. After a while of searching, he'd managed to find one decent-looking pub called the Horse and Groom.
He sat himself down at the bar and said wearily to the barman, "Two pints."
"Of what?" The man asked casually.
"Anything strong."
The barman just shrugged and gave Arthur two pints of a substance that almost never failed: beer. Arthur didn't complain.
About as soon as Arthur started on his first sip, the oddest looking man that Arthur had ever seen strode into the pub. The man came in like he owned the place, sporting a wild grin. He plopped himself down on the stool next to Arthur at the bar.
"'Ey Ford, 'ow are ye?" Asked the bartender.
"Been better." Replied Ford.
"'Ows the actin'?"
"Terrible." Said Ford, taking out a five and handing it to the man. "Two pints."
"Of what?"
"Anything strong."
The oddest feeling of déjà vu hit Arthur, causing him to glance in Ford's direction. Now that Arthur had a better look at him, he wondered what made Ford so odd looking. He was a light-brown curly haired man, with noticeable, yet unnoticeable features and strikingly odd eyes. Even more striking about his eyes was the color; they were a deep and unnatural blue that suddenly reminded Arthur of the Superman comics. Vaguely, he wondered if that was the reason for his being unnerved.
He also noticed that his reason for thinking of Ford as odd looking might have had to do with the fact that Ford was soaked from head to foot.
Feeling brave, he asked. "Is there a reason, you're dripping wet?"
"Yes." Replied Ford, taking his pints and change from the bartender. "I'm not having a very good day."
"Meaning?" Asked Arthur, sipping his own pint.
"Meaning I'm walking down the street to the library, which is about three miles from my apartment, and some wacker drives by at some insane speed, drives right into a puddle and drenches me."
"It rained last night?"
"Yea."
"Funny, didn't notice." Arthur said, now really enjoying his drink. "Why didn't you drive?"
"Don't own a car."
"Why?"
"Had bad experiences with them."
"Hmm."
"Did you drive here?"
"No."
"Do you own a car?"
"Yes."
"Well, why not then?"
Arthur stopped to think about that for a moment. He just shrugged. "Had a bad day."
They drank in silence for a few moments. Arthur was silently doing two things: The first was the most obvious, which was drinking. The second was less obvious, which was processing how easily the conversation had flowed with a complete stranger.
"Did you ever get there?" Asked Arthur suddenly.
"Hmm?" Mumbled Ford, already ahead of Arthur and on his second pint.
"Did you ever get to the library?"
"No." Said Ford, straightening himself back up on the stool.
"Pity." Commented Arthur, going back to his drink.
"Not really." Said Ford, getting up and slapping a tip on the bar. "See you Al." He called to the bartender before drifting out of the pub.
Arthur mourned the loss of Ford's presence. Here, thought Arthur, was somebody finally interesting to talk to. He had no idea why Ford was interesting, but thinking about it too hard only made his head hurt.
Placing his own tip on the bar, Arthur looked down to see a brown satchel where the other man had been sitting. Realizing it must be Ford's he pulled it up and showed it to the bartender.
"He forgot his bag."
The barman looked up. "Yes, he did."
"Will you give it to him, when he comes back in?"
"No sir, it's against my code." Replied the barman with sovereignty.
"What code?" Asked Arthur, slightly awestruck.
"My code that says, 'if you leave it, it's mine'." Said the bartender.
'Glad I found it before he did, then.' Thought Arthur. "Alright," He said. "I guess I'll go find him myself. Do you know where he lives?"
"No, sir."
"Well, you're just being no help at all aren't you?" Arthur said, pulling the bag over his own shoulder and heading out the door.
He heard a polite "Yes, sir." as he left.
Outside, Arthur pitifully looked around for any sign of Ford. Finding none, he shrugged and figured that a man with no car really couldn't get that far and headed in the direction of the only library in the vicinity, for lack of a better lead.
Over the next few hours, Arthur made a rather long walk, which formed a rather long circle. He walked to the library, stopping on the way only to get coffee, stopped in the library to check if Ford was in there (he wasn't), started to walk the way he came, decided that that would be too boring, walked in the opposite direction that still managed to go the same way, stopped for coffee again, and finally ended up at the Horse and Groom again about when it was starting to get dark.
Tiredly, Arthur sat down on a bench just outside the pub and contemplated how most people would be upset if they had walked a ways and still hadn't managed to give the satchel back to the man. Arthur honestly didn't mind, he had nothing else to do. If anything, he minded himself for being so tired.
"Hey!" Called a voice.
Arthur looked up, almost kicking himself when he saw a grinning and lively Ford, walking up to him.
Ford stopped in front of Arthur and said, with the air of a relieved man, "I see you've found my bag."
"Well, yes." Said Arthur stupidly.
"Well, give it here."
Arthur tossed the bag to Ford, who opened it and rummaged about it slightly before deeming it alright. He tossed it over his shoulder, and asked, "Did you look through it?"
The thought had never occurred to Arthur and he said so. "The thought never occurred to me." He noticed Ford's relieved reaction again and added. "Though it may have saved me the trouble of walking in a circle for hours around town."
Ford shrugged. "Not really. It's not like I have a driver's license or anything."
"True." Muttered Arthur. "But where did you go?"
"To the Red Lion."
"Another pub?" Questioned Arthur, awed.
"Yes." Stated Ford. "And then to the Old Brew and after that, Red's Pub, and then, the library, and back here."
Arthur, by now, was getting slightly overwhelmed. "You went to the library?" He stammered.
"Yes." Said Ford, nodding. "To find a copy of Godspell. They were out, unfortunately."
"Pity."
"Not really."
They stood/sat in quiet before Ford sat down and started humming something that didn't seem at all familiar to Arthur.
"You know," Started Arthur. "This is one of the few days in my life where I felt a sense of purpose."
This stopped Ford's humming. "To give me my satchel back?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Said Ford and continued humming.
"I guess I don't know what to do now." Finished Arthur, plainly.
Ford stopped humming and seemed to take this statement seriously. He turned to Arthur and grinned suddenly, giving Arthur the impression that Ford was about to go for his neck. "I know what you could do." Said Ford.
"Oh, yes?" Asked Arthur.
Ford blinked, causing Arthur to wonder if he'd ever seen him do that. He stood up and then said simply. "Yes. You should buy me a drink." He pulled Arthur off the bench to a standing position.
Instead of the normal and sarcastic, 'Buy you a drink?' that would come out of most peoples' mouths, Arthur (with the feeling that he'd be seeing this man a lot from now on) merely asked, "Is it always going to be this way with you?"
"Always." Said Ford wickedly, leading Arthur towards the pub, a night of drunken lunacy, and a new friendship.
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A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own any rights! If I did I wouldn't be so sad all the time.
A few things, the character of Ford was, indeed, named after a car. This is why the joke, "He found the name 'Ford Prefect' to be nicely inconspicuous" is supposed to be funny. The script for Godspell was one of those carried around in Ford's bag to prove to his friends that he was an out-of-work actor. The Red Lion pub is the bar used in the TV series, while the Horse and Groom was used in the books and... everywhere else. Ford's first day on Earth was taken, slightly, from the movie but also taken from a comment by Douglas Adams (I don't think very highly of the movie, since it was poorly done and makes me cry whenever I see it). Also,I thought that Ford and Arthur meeting in a bar would be extremely obvious and extremely realistic, considering the two of them. Oh, and this is all assuming that the Earth gets blown up in 1980 (Considering in Radio it was '78, in the books it was '79, and in the TV series it was '81). Note: I edited this because I'm a huge Queen fan and I know that "Don't Stop Me Now" was written in 1978. Oops. Bohemian Rhapsody was first heard in 1975, so we're okay and accurate now.
Well, this was just fun to write and I'll add more chapters later on the Random Adventures of Ford and Arthur.