Have you ever been in an airplane and experienced turbulence? The most common cause of turbulence is a sudden change in air movement causing the aircraft to pitch, yaw, and roll. While planes are built to withstand far greater turbulence than anything you would encounter on a regular flight, it still may be disconcerting to passengers.
What do you suppose pilots do when they encounter turbulence? A student pilot may think that increasing speed is a good strategy because it will get them through the turbulence faster. But that may be the wrong thing to do. Professional pilots understand that there is an optimum turbulence penetration speed that will minimize the negative effects of turbulence. And most of the time that would mean to reduce your speed.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf German Airforce Pilot '59-'65
The little ginger haired pilot looked frail and thin after having his stomach pumped. His eyelids were dark and heavy and his cheeks looked hollow. The breathing tube invaded his childlike face. Douglas rested his head in one hand, surveying the damage. Arthur had texted him that evening.
Skip's not answering my messages.
Could you go check on him?
Please?
It had been weeks without a booking and they'd all taken time off for themselves. Nothing had seemed unusual the last time Douglas had seen Martin. Looking back, Martin acted tired. He was very quiet. And then they'd all gone their separate ways. Douglas had been enjoying a movie alone when Arthur started texting him. Martin must be ignoring Arthur because he's annoying and he wants some sleep he'd thought.
Mum's worried about him.
That unusual statement prompted him to drive down to the agricultural college and knock on the door. He saw the attic light on, no one answered.
The students are on holiday.
He's all alone.
Something felt wrong. The otherwise confident and calm Douglas began to wonder. And worry. Why wouldn't he open the door? Why had he been so quiet? Why had he been so lax about Doug's usual teasing? Why the sudden disinterest in... everything? He knocked and shouted his name. He'd failed to correct Douglas many times on their last flight, even stopped insisting his rank to everyone. Douglas had brushed it off; he's growing into his stripes, learning not to care so much. But this was Martin. And with that he put his shoulder to the door.
"Martin?" he called out as he hurried up the stairs and pushed open the attic door. There lay his Captain, his body convulsing and emptying itself of the poison; the empty pill bottle lying on a table nearby.
Everything blurred into a mad dash once he opened that door. He didn't remember calling 999. He barely remembered the ambulance arriving. As it blared away down the street, someone called him out of his daze, "Sir? Do you know this man?" the police officer repeated his question, "Sir, how do you know this man?"
"He's my Captain."
Douglas set aside his usual charm and wit while dealing with the nurses and relied on brute force of will to get into his room. Sometimes a leaf from Carolyn's book proved useful. He'd called her earlier and left a message. For now he sat alone, watching the artificial rise and fall of Martin's chest. The silence terrified him.
"Remember that bird strike in St. Petersburg, Martin?" he asked quietly. "Of course you do, you were terrified. I didn't let on, but so was I." he had worried that Martin would panic and forget all that protocol he'd worked so hard to memorize. What came naturally to Douglas in an emergency took a lot of effort for Martin. He admired that about him.
"But you landed us, I knew you would. And Arthur was right, you were brilliant Martin. Up till now, I-" he wavered, "I thought that was the most scared I would ever be."
The nurse woke Douglas the next morning, "Sir, Catlin Crieff is here." He had to give the hospital the names of his family, it was a wonder he remembered her. She let herself in quietly. "They told me what happened. How did you know?"
"I didn't." he admitted. "You remember Arthur?" He asked. She nodded.
"That helpful chap who came round when Mum had her heart attack."
"He said Martin had stopped replying to his texts..." without warning Catlin threw her arms around his shoulders. He could feel tears wetting his shirt front and ran a reassuring hand across her shoulders.
"Come on Catlin, let's take a walk for a bit." He suggested, leading her away from the ghost of a man lying behind them.
"Where is Wendy, Catlin?" Douglas inquired.
"She's been having trouble with her heart, she couldn't come down." they walked on silently. Douglas listened to wet snow drop from the trees.
"I didn't tell mum." Catlin finally confessed. "You know how Martin worries, well Mum's so much worse, I just couldn't tell her, her little boy's in hospital after attempting suicide." she cried out angrily and stopped in her tracks. She took a few breaths to calm her racing mind. "No one tells you how to deal with this. I don't even know if I'll be able to stay with him, now I've got work, and a little girl at home. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm just dumping all my problems in your lap."
"It's alright Catlin. I'm sure you'll manage." Douglas reassured her. They stopped in the middle the hospital garden.
"I had no idea Martin was depressed." she said in a ragged voice "I haven't spoken to him since he was in Wokingham taking care of Mum. I had no idea he was living in that...shack." Douglas offered his empathy, "If it makes you feel any better, Catlin. I'd been flying with him for a year before I knew about the attic. I could never have guessed he was depressed either. He would never have let on he was struggling." they stepped around a puddle. "He told me once what he'd gone through to be a pilot. He may have lost sight of it last night, but that'll be the bit that gets him through tonight."
"He could be a real stubborn git sometimes." Catlin allowed herself a little smile, she wiped her face, remembering herself how determined he had been to get into flight school despite her fathers wishes. Douglas' phone buzzed in his pocket. "It's Carolyn." He told her as he flipped it open. "Why don't you go back to Martin's room while I take this Catlin?" he apologised and she left him with an understanding nod.
"Douglas," her shrill tone crackled through the mobile, "What the hell happened?" she left him no space to answer, "I get a voicemail in the middle of the night saying 'Martin's in A&E" after Arthur spent the the night bringing my attention to all his unanswered text messages. And not a word since?" she demanded.
"Well, Carolyn, I was a bit busy trying to remember the names of his next of kin in case his attempted suicide turned into a successful one." Carolyn's demanding attitude on top of that agonizing night of terror and worry had finally broken his temper. The voice on the other end of the line spoke up after a draining silence. "Douglas, I'm sorry. I had no idea."
"It's alright Carolyn. I'm sorry I snapped, it's just been a bloody awful night."
"Did his family show up?"
"Yes, his sister's with him-" a yawn betrayed just how awful the night had been.
"Douglas, you need a break. Come and stay at my place tonight. We can all come up and see Martin tomorrow morning." Carolyn insisted. Douglas wanted to protest, someone needed to stay with Martin, Catlin needed support, he didn't want to sleep at Carolyn's house. But another night at the hospital was a draining thought, and his own house seemed frighteningly empty.
"That sounds good Carolyn." he finally accepted. "I'll talk to Catlin, see what her plans are."
"Thank you, Douglas." Carolyn said "It's so good of you to look after him."
Douglas ran into Catlin outside Martin's room. She spoke excitedly, grabbing his hands and squeezing them.
"They took him off the ventilator, and they said he can have probably have liquids tomorrow. He's sleeping right now." she explained hopefully as they sat down beside him. He finally looked peaceful without so many tubes and wires interrupting.
Catlin asked about the phone call, "Everything sorted?"
"Carolyn thought I needed a break, she just invited me over for the night. She says you can stay too if you like." Catlin shook her head.
"Somebody's got to stay with him tonight. I just don't know what I'll do tomorrow." she worried aloud.
"Go home to your daughter. Carolyn and I can stay with him till you've got things sorted." Douglas promised. "Don't worry Catlin."
"Thank you Douglas. I'm glad Martin's got you for a friend." she said. Douglas shook it off, it didn't seem like what they made it out to be, he'd just shown up to knock on a door. They sat for a while, swapping stories quietly. Douglas checked the clock.
"Well, if it's alright with you Catlin, I'll be off. I want to grab a few things before I head to Carolyn's for the night. Anything I can bring you tomorrow?" She shook her head.
"I'll be here till he wakes up. If I want to make it to work I need to leave at nine though..." she tried to sort out a plan.
"We'll be here at nine then." and he gave a reassuring pat on the shoulder before stepping out.
It felt like ages since he'd been at home. That Keira Knightley film was still paused where he left it yesterday evening. He grabbed a few things for the night. Life as a pilot taught him to pack quickly and efficiently.
Arthur answered the door before he rang. He braced himself for a torrent of questions that never came. "Mum's just in the kitchen." He said, much more reserved than normal.
Carolyn poked her head from around the wall, "Douglas, come in, take your shoes off, Arthur can take your bag." He handed it over and Arthur jogged off down the hall. Douglas joined Carolyn in the kitchen to explain things. "Catlin is staying the night, she'll be leaving about nine to sort things out at home, she's got a daughter now."
"How's Skip, Douglas?" Arthur asked when he returned.
"He's doing better. He's breathing on his own and the doctors say he can probably have fluids tomorrow." Though he was facing Carolyn, he could see Arthur beaming with relief out of the corner of his eye. "When he's fully recovered, he'll see a psychologist." Douglas explained.
"And then he can come back and start flying again, right?" He sounded anxious. Douglas didn't know how to carry on the conversation, Carolyn stepped in.
"It might be awhile before Martin can come back and fly again, dear."
"I know Mum, but when he is alright he will come back and be Skipper again, right?" Arthur's optimism seemed endless " Carolyn said nothing, she tried to give a reassuring look before pulling Arthur into a hug for a moment. "Sorry Douglas," she apologised quickly as she came back to the moment. "If you wouldn't mind," she handed him a dish.
They talked long after finishing dinner. Douglas told stories from his days at Air England, Arthur made attempts at jokes. For the first time since yesterday evening they took a load off and relaxed. "Well, Douglas," Carolyn insisted as the evening drew on, "It's about time you got started on that restful night's sleep you promised you'd have if you came over."
"Aw, but we were having so much fun," he joked, "Five more minutes." the man begged in his most primary school tone.
"Yeah, Mum, just five more minutes." Arthur protested. Carolyn rolled her eyes. "Off to bed, both of you, do you want me to tuck you in?" Douglas laughed when Arthur responded with a, "Yes, please!"
Douglas had settled into the guest room and made his way down the hall to wash up before calling it a night. Arthur's door was ajar and his the light from his room spilled into the dark hallway. As he passed he could hear Arthur talking, Carolyn was already asleep, so out of curiosity, he stopped to listen.
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Anyway, it's just little old me, Arthur Shappey, from last night, in case you forgot, of course you didn't. I just wanted to say thanks today for letting Douglas stay with us tonight. And thanks for taking care of Skip and helping him get better. And thank you for helping Douglas find him yesterday. Mum and Douglas and I are going to visit him tomorrow, I'm glad he'll be well enough to see us. Please help him not to feel sad anymore. I guess that's all I have to say tonight" he paused to think for a bit, "Oh, please bless Martin's mum and his sister and his brother. And please bless Mum and Douglas. Amen" He left before Arthur opened his eyes. That example of unhindered faith put him at ease about tomorrow. He finally felt grateful for Arthur's constant optimism. Douglas had also worried Arthur wouldn't cope with the news, but now he seemed at peace. Douglas felt he'd finally sleep well tonight.
The lull didn't last. A commotion of noise woke Douglas in the middle of the night. Frantic breathing, tossing and turning. An incoherent, panicked voice. The sound of night terrors came from Arthur's room. Before he could rouse himself, heavy footsteps made their way down the hall. Carolyn spoke in a rare soothing tone, "Deep, slow breaths, Arthur. Shhh. It's alright Arthur. I'm here, Douglas is here." she repeated. He heard the boy stammer something. "Martin will be fine dear. We'll see him tomorrow and he'll be fine." Douglas wasn't getting back to sleep any time soon so he went down to check on them. Arthur sat bent over on the edge of the bed while Carolyn rubbed his back. He'd never seen Arthur so distressed, face flushed and clammy "Can I get anything Carolyn?" he offered gently as he poked his head in the room. He heard Arthur skip a breath.
"A glass of water, Douglas." She barely made eye contact. "Douglas is going to get you some water, Arthur. A nice glass of water. Now deep, slow breaths again." Douglas would have never suspected the cheery, carefree, Arthur would have night terrors and panic attacks. He expected him to cope, but within the helpful and optimistic soul was a vulnerable, scared little boy.
Carolyn slept in the guest room that night, Douglas finally slept on the couch, only out of exhaustion. Arthur looked recovered in the morning, Carolyn didn't. She said very little.
"Wait here while I talk to Catlin and see how he's doing." Douglas left them in the visitors lounge while he contemplated the impossible things he'd have to say. "I'm the clever one. I should have something prepared." He was filling a sieve with sand. "Why do I have to be the first of his friends to speak to him? I can't even think of the wrong thing to say!" he ran a tense hand through his ever greying hair.
Catlin's red hair lay flat on her back. He'd never seen it down. Despite it's unkempt frizz he could tell it was lovely. Her shoulders were hunched as she leaned close and stroked Martin's hand. It looked thin and pale. His cheeks were slowly growing brighter. Red still ringed his eyes from crying sometime that morning.
"Oh Captain, my captain." Douglas suddenly worried if he said such a ridiculous thing aloud.
"Hello Douglas." Catlin gave Martin's hand a squeeze before standing to greet him with a hug. Martin spoke before he could find words.
"Catlin already explained she'd be leaving when you got here." Even those dull words sounded good. Catlin wished him well and departed.
"Carolyn and Arthur are here."
"Oh, that's...that's, nice." The soft, steady pip of a monitor emphasised the silence. "Look Douglas, you don't have to say anything." Martin said, uncomfortably.
"That's fine. I don't know what to say." despite this he took a seat. He had plenty to say. Most of it was angry. Some of it was desperate and frankly pitiful. All of it was wrong. He knew how Martin's mind worked, he wasn't the only one with a head full of words he couldn't say. He couldn't blink, his eyes were stinging.
"I've uh, I've got a meeting with a psychologist today." Martin told him. "If I pass, I'll be discharged as an outpatient."
"Do you want that?" Douglas questioned calmly.
"I think so. I mean, between now and then... when I was…" Martin struggled with his words. Douglas knew he had to let him say it though. "I realised I was scared. There was a moment I knew I was dying and I didn't want to anymore. I didn't care that I had nothing to live for, I didn't want to face it. I've never felt more alone. Now I've got my second chance I don't know what to do with it. I want to get out of hospital, but I don't know how I would manage it." he stopped finally to breath and looked away from Douglas when he spoke again, "Catlin told me about mum." darkness in his eyes betrayed his guilt. "I couldn't just stay at home all day, I'd need work. But I..." He struggled with the words he desperately didn't want to say. He couldn't' be a pilot in this state. He didn't want to be a pilot, it didn't make him happy anymore. But what else was there? He'd given everything for flight school, leaving himself with no other options. He didn't want to think about going back to living in an attic shed and driving a van. That's the life that had worn him down to depression. Now there were too many unknowns. Douglas interrupted his thoughts with a simple acknowledgment.
"I know Martin."
They'd forgotten about Carolyn and Arthur, and were about to pay for their impatience.
Carolyn marched in with determination on her face.
"Douglas, I'd like a moment alone with Martin." she got no argument from the first officer. She stood at the foot of the bed, trembling with a mixture of anger and feat. Martin did everything to avoid her blistering stare.
"Martin Crieff." She began with a calculated voice. "When Arthur's father left him I spent months explaining to the poor boy it wasn't his fault. You know he still can't speak to the man." She paused to collect herself before proceeding, she seemed to be at an unusual loss for words. "Yesterday I had to explain to him why a 33 year old man in otherwise excellent health, was rushed to the hospital-"
"Leave me alone Carolyn." Martin snapped. She ignored him wholeheartedly. Had the circumstances been different she would have told him to shut up. "God forbid," she continued forcefully, "I ever have to tell him his best friend was found dead in his flat!"
"Carolyn..." he growled at her, his bright eyes dark under angry brows. She didn't let it show, but it hurt her for him to direct his pain and anger at her. "If you go back to living in that attic you'll never get better. For Arthur's sake I can't allow it." His glare softened to a tired scowl. "Now someone's got to look after you once you're discharged and I can't put the burden on your sister or your mother, and I'll be damned if I leave you on your own. I would like you to stay with Arthur and I while you're seeing a psychologist." Martin let his head hit the pillow and shut his eyes. "This really isn't any of your business Carolyn."
"But it is Martin," she retorted, "You are my pilot. And it's time I made recompense for my blatant abuse of such a valuable resource. And besides that, you're Arthur's friend." she admitted, dropping her defensive stance. "He hasn't had one of those since we bought a dog, and even she doesn't put up with him half the time. I couldn't look my son in the eye if I didn't do something to help you. It was Arthur who worried about you in the first place, Martin. He even got me worried about you." she let him think on that. "He needs you. And I need you back, which is why I'm asking you to stay with me till you're better."
"I don't want to talk about it right now." Martin sounded irritated now.
"I understand, I'll let you think about it." she offered.
"No, you don't understand. I don't want to think about it right now. I don't know what I want to do Carolyn, but I don't want to think about getting back to MJN, I don't want to think about staying with my boss. Just... leave me alone." Martin rolled on his side to face away from her. Carolyn knew she'd spoken too soon and said too much. Behind his back she reached out a comforting hand to his shoulder, but withdrew it for fear of pushing him away. She left with a heavy sigh.
"Is he alright, Mum? Can I see him now?" Arthur's pleading broke her heart. "He's resting now, maybe we'll come back later." she offered him a lie to cover the guilt from their conversation. Arthur had other ideas.
"That's alright mum. I'll sit quietly, I just want to see him. Please?" maybe he had gone to sleep. Maybe neither would notice. She owed Arthur this.
He'd never been quieter in his life. Asleep or awake, Martin never would have known. He still face away from his guest. The young man didn't mind. He watched him breath with wide eyes and a little smile. Douglas and Carolyn stood outside, one of them hoping Martin stayed asleep, the other wishing he were awake.
"What did he say to you before I walked in?" Carolyn probed.
"He said he was scared. He wants to live now, but I think more than anything he's lost. He wants to go somewhere but he's got no maps, no weather reports, and no co-pilot." Douglas replied without taking his eyes off Arthur and Martin. "He hit a patch of turbulence a while back and speed up to get through it. He's lost control and rolled. Now doesn't know how to recover, but he's Martin and he will. But he still won't be out of trouble."
"Douglas." she wasn't in the mood for metaphor.
"He needs to slow down. As well intentioned as your offer was it just added pressure. You remember how his mother was?" Carolyn nodded. "This is Martin. He's used to being in control. He's trying very hard right now to get it back. He still feels like he's in danger and he's got to make a decision now or he'll pitch and roll and drop out of the sky. He doesn't want to let anyone do it for him, he doesn't want to bring them down as well."
"Well Maverick, as you so eloquently put, he needs a co pilot." Carolyn put curtly.
"Not a nanny." he pointed out.
"Martin was right. He is my pilot, but this is very much not my business." she admitted.
"He still needs your support Carolyn. You mean more to him than you think." he reassured her.