August 5, 2011. Journal, I've been doing a lot of thinking over the summer. Tryin' to build back my relationship with Finn has been difficult, partly because I don't feel like I should have to work as hard as I am at it. Why does Quinn get off scot-free without all the bullshit drama and fuckin' guilt trips? Don't I get enough of those trips from my Ma, at least when she's around anyway? Frankenteen isn't makin' it easy on me. While part of me gets it – I fucked up – again – big time – but, I'm hurting too! Doesn't anyone get that? Part of me wants to say fuck 'em all. They don't give a shit so why should I? It's just that, since that asshole sperm donor walked out on me and Sarah, Finn's been the one picking up the pieces. Ya, I know, suck it up, put my big boy panties on and get over it.
Speaking of panties… the only fuckin' sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows my whole stupid summer has come from Princess. Who'd have fuckin' thought?! Not me. I guess it's about time I got over myself and man-up with him. I've only been writing his name in stupid juvenile hearts since what? Fifth grade? Ya…
I was supposed to hang with Finn last week, but when I got there he'd left to go to Rach's. Kurt must've felt sorry for me and knew I didn't really want to go home. Ma was there drinking and I'd just managed to get Sarah out and over to her friend's without a fight. So he invited me in to watch a movie. I sat there next to him freakin' out like a damn girl! I don't even know what the fuck we watched. I just kept thinking I couldn't believe we were alone together! Journal, you know how I feel about him and I know I've done some dumbass things to hide my feelings but… shit, I don't even know what I'm rambling about now.
Anyway, so after that day we have actually started hanging out. I knew we had a lot of things in common, but he's discovering it for himself and it's cool to watch. I even help out at the shop. We had this race yesterday to see who could do an oil change faster. Technically he won, but I think I got the prize. He had this smudge of grease on his face, but he just beamed that million dollar beautiful fuckin' smile at me and I couldn't breathe. The next thing I know he throws his arms around my neck in his excitement and I went hard as a rock! His happiness is catchy and I think I'd do anything to keep him smiling at me like that.
We went to lunch afterward, claiming loser buys, just so I could pretend it was the date I desperately want to take him on. We're sitting there at the diner and we both ordered bacon cheeseburgers and he's laughing and says "Noah, bacon? Really? On a Saturday, no less!" I'm thinking whoa! Not only is he amazing, smart and smokin' fuckin' hot, but he knows Jewish religion. Nana would be swooning and I don't feel too far from it myself as I'm sitting there grinning like that cat from Alice In Wonderland. We dug into our food when he asks, "Noah, are we gonna still be friends when school starts?" I stared at him for a moment. Then he says, "It's okay if you don't want to, I'll understand, it's junior year and you probably don't want to bring down your rep any more than it already is." That was a giant 'fuck you' punch to my heart. I've been in love with this boy since I was a kid and here he is telling me it's okay to be a douche so I can save my rep… what the fuck? Who fuckin' does that?
I told him no way! I explained I was done with that shit. I'm a badass. I'll be friends with whoever I want. He smiled, but it wasn't a real one. I'm gonna have to prove it to him, Journal. I've been a dick for so long only my actions will speak louder than my words. The rest of the afternoon was off and I kept trying to get back that comfortable feeling. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'm damn sure gonna do something. Time for hiding is over – I'm done. We have the next two years and then I'm outta here. I hope I can either take Sarah with me or find her a safe place to be. The thing I know for sure – wherever Kurt is goin' I'm following.
Laters ~
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"Hey, Noey. Whatcha doin'?"
"Just finished writing in my journal." I put the book back in its hiding spot under the floorboard under my desk. I turned to look at Sarah, "What are you wearing, Squirt?"
"I'm trying to look like Kurtie. He's so beautiful. I made my own bowtie from some ribbon." She twirled around laughing. "I want to be beautiful too."
"You're already beautiful, Sarah. Trust me; I'll be beating the boys off you with a stick when you get older." I shook my head because that was such a disturbing thought.
Just as I was about to ask her if she wanted to help me make something to eat I heard my ma yelling from down the hall. Then I heard glass break. I looked at Sarah whose eyes were wide with fear. I placed my finger to my lips to let her know to be quiet. I walked to the door and shut it quietly. Snatching up a hoodie from the pile of clothes on the floor I pulled it over Sarah. Then I grabbed my jacket and opened the window. I lowered my little sister out first, making sure she was safely on the ground before turning to grab my phone, wallet and keys. I climbed out after Sarah and picked her up, running for my truck as quickly as I could. Neither of us said a word until we were down the street.
"Where are we going, Tatteniu?"
I knew she was scared when she called me that. I probably should have made her stop since I wasn't her father, but it's something she only did when she was scared or hurt and I just didn't have the heart to tell her not to.
"Let's go see Kurt. I bet he can help us fix your tie." I chuckled, hoping to distract her. It worked because she chattered happily all the way to Kurt's.
When we got there Kurt must have just arrived back from shopping as he was bringing in grocery bags. He looked up when Sarah jumped from the truck yelling his name.
I watched as he set the bags down to scoop her into his arms. I couldn't help thinking what a sick bastard I was that watching them being affectionate toward each other turned me on, but then I thought there wasn't too much that princess did that didn't turn me on.
He looked over at me and arches an eyebrow, "What are you two up to?"
"Ma's drunk again, Kurtie, Noe snuck me out the window." Sarah volunteered before I could say anything, as she rested her head on his shoulder.
I could see his jaw tighten, but he just smiled at her. "That sounds like an adventure. I bet it made you hungry. Do you wanna come inside and make dinner with me?"
"Yea!" She turned to me, "Can we Noe?"
"Sure, Squirt, as long as you behave. We don't want to make more work for Kurt." I smiled at her softly.
"I will," she promised solemnly.
I carried in most of the bags while Kurt carried Sarah. My argument that she could walk was shot down by both of them. I just shook my head and chuckled to myself.
While dinner was cooking Kurt took Sarah down to his room. I sat in the living room flipping channels until Mr. H came home.
"Hello Puck."
"Hey Mr. H. How's the shop?"
"Busy." He lowered himself into his chair. "What are you watchin'?"
"Nothing really, mostly flipping channels looking for something."
He nodded. "Where is everyone?"
"I don't know where Finn is and Mrs. H isn't home yet. Kurt's downstairs with Sarah. He's helping her with her bowtie. She wanted one like his." I smiled over at the older man.
I really liked Mr. H, he was an awesome dad. Early this summer we had a long talk about me being such a dick, Ma's drinking, and Sarah. He was one of the few people I had ever opened up to. I like that he didn't judge me either. He just pointed out that if I really wanted to change my situation I was gonna have to work at it. Since then he'd been super chill with me and Sarah hiding out at his place.
It was really nice because the only other safe place we had was my Nana's house, but she lived two towns over and it wasn't always possible to get there quickly.
Kurt and Sarah came back then. Kurt had dressed Sarah in one of his button-up shirts over her leggings, with a pink bowtie. There was a belt wrapped around her waist making the shirt look like a dress. He must have given her a bath or washed her hair because as she modeled for me and Mr. H I could smell Kurt's shampoo. He had brushed her hair into two ponytails and I could see a bit of lip gloss had been added.
"You look smokin' Sar-bear." I grinned at her blush.
"Noah," Burt rolled his eyes at me. "Sarah, don't mind your brother. You look beautiful, a prefect little lady."
I watched as Sarah ran to Burt and hugged him. It had thrown me off when she had taken to him the first time they met. I had brought her with me to hang out with Finn one day. Normally Sarah shied away from men, but she really clicked with Mr. H.
"Why don't you come help me finish dinner Noah?" Kurt asked. "Finn and Carole should be home soon."
Dinner was good. Kurt was a great cook. Finn and I played video games afterward while Kurt and Sarah took off again. I hid out until I knew my Ma would be gone then stood up and stretched.
"I should probably grab Sarah and head home," I helped Finn up from the floor.
"You sure, man, 'cause you know you guys can crash here, right?"
"Thanks dude, 'preciate it, but we should go."
Finn led the way down to Kurt's room. We both kinda stopped short and chuckled at the same time, but I'm sure for two different reasons. Kurt and Sarah were asleep, spooning together on his big bed. They looked so cute.
"Looks like you're stayin' dude." Finn smirked and walked over to the closet. He grabbed some blankets and tossed them over to me. "Kurt's couch is more comfortable than the one upstairs, plus if Sarah wakes up she'll be looking for you."
I nodded. "Thanks."
"No problem, G'night."
"Ya, 'night dude."
I unfolded one of the blankets, and then took off my jacket, shoes and socks. I removed my shirt before lying down. I stared at the two sleeping bodies, torn between being jealous of my sister and really happy she was somewhere safe. I wish I had my journal with me. I sighed before closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep.
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August 16, 2011. Journal, I may have had the weirdest, yet most awesome, days of my life today. Get this, I went fuckin' shopping! Clothes shopping, no less! It was really great though and I have Sarah to thank. Yesterday we're at the shop 'cause I'm helping out there in the afternoons to make some cash and it's a job where I can take Sarah with me. Anyway, we're having a soda break in between cars when Sar asks when I'm taking her school clothes shopping. I thought Princess was going to choke to death and for a minute contemplated mouth-to-mouth. "Noah takes you clothes shopping?" he asked. Sarah giggled before launching into this speech about how awful I am about shopping and how she's always feeling so rushed. I guess those were the magical fuckin' words because the next thing I know Kurt's telling Burt none of us will be in to work tomorrow 'cause we're all going school shopping. Mr. H just hands Kurt his credit card and pats me on the shoulder.
This morning Princess picked us up and we drove up to Columbus. He said the mall there was better. Sarah bounced in her seat the whole way there – you know like she's on one of those sugar rushes. I save up all summer just to take my sister clothes shopping every year, but I was worried I wouldn't have enough with the way those two are going on and on about different outfits.
Once we get there, Kurt pulls out this list he made last night that has all these stores he wants to go to and what items are on sale at which stores. It was a little imitating but all kinds of awesome to see the smile on Sarah's face.
By lunch time I realized I wouldn't have to work out for the rest of the week. My guns were gonna need the rest. I groaned about the need for food and to give my wallet a rest. Kurt suggested a restaurant instead of mall food. I didn't care as long as I got to put the bags down. As we ordered the waitress looks at us and says what a cute couple we are and how our daughter is so well behaved. HOLY SHIT! Kurt turned like two shades of red… and fuckin' Sarah goes "ya, my Dads are the awesomest." I tried not to laugh – really, I tried – no use though, I was laughing so hard I had to wipe the tears from my eyes when I finally calmed down. Kurt kept giving me strange looks. When I asked about the looks he said he thought I would freak out and get angry about someone assuming we were a couple. Again, I felt like someone punched me. I know it's only been a couple of weeks but, I really thought Kurt knew I changed or was still changing. I think he could tell something by the look on my face 'cause he quickly stammers something about people changing and how he should learn not to judge. I was only half paying attention. Then Sarah throws me under the bus – so much for having my back – telling Kurt that I'm a big softy, that when I'm grumpy it's usually an act.
The thing is, after that, he treated me different. He was more playful, laughed more, and seemed more relaxed than I had ever seen him. He even dragged me into a store that caters to little girls – saying "Come on, dad!" while grinning. I swear that grin causes a boner every time I see it!
We ended our trip with a stop at Office Max for school supplies. On the way home I noted that not only had we managed to get all of Sarah's clothes and supplies, but we had our own supplies as well. I even picked up two new journals. I wound up even getting four new pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. Not too bad for a whole day out. Best part – well, second best – I still had money left over. I offered to buy Kurt dinner as a thank you for taking us and helping me with Sarah. He smiled and said we could stop somewhere on the way home. I really wanted to grab his hand and hold it! I think this proving to him that I can be a good guy thing is going well. When he looks at me there is a light in his eyes and he smiles more. I even think he's getting used to touching me – or at least not looking like I'm gonna bite his head off if he does. So I'm gonna count it as a win even though I know he's still worried about school starting next week.
Laters ~
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I shut my alarm off and jumped out of bed. It was the first day of school and I'm kinda excited. We hadn't seen or heard from Ma all weekend, but it was just as well. I didn't want Sarah upset on her first day of seventh grade. As I hopped in the shower I couldn't help thinking back to my first day of junior high. It hadn't been a good day so I'm determined to make it good for her.
I got dressed quickly and went to go wake Sarah up.
"Noey," she yawned, "What's the matter?"
"Nothin' Squirt." I try to inject some excitement into my voice. "It's the first day of school, Small Fry. You need to get up and get showered. I'll make breakfast."
Sarah jumped up. "Yes! Kurt helped me plan the perfect outfit. It says 'I'm totally badass and in charge'."
I couldn't help laughing. "I'm sure he did."
"When are you gonna make a move on Kurtie, Noah?"
"What do you mean?" I hollered as I walked into the bathroom to get the water going for her.
"You know what I mean," she huffed with her little hands on her hips. "You haven't gone out with a single Kurva since you started hanging out with him."
"Hey! Where did you learn that word?"
"Ma says it all the time," she mumbled as she looked at the ground.
"Ya, well, it means 'whore' and I don't want you sayin' it anymore – got it?"
"I'm sorry Noah." I could see her eyes were bright with the beginning of tears.
I pulled her to me as I sat on the toilet and hugged her tight. "Sar-bear listen to me, okay? I know I don't watch my language and I normally let you get away with things you probably shouldn't say, but I want better for you than that. I don't want people to look at you and treating you the way they do me. It's bad enough we have to live with what Ma brings down on us, don't add to it."
She nodded against my shoulder as I hugged her again. "Alright, let's get movin'. You hit the shower and get dressed. Don't forget to brush your teeth. I'm gonna make breakfast then I'll drop you off on my way."
"I love you, Noah," she leaned up and kissed my cheek.
"I love you too, Squirt. Now hurry up."
We had breakfast and hurried out the door. It had taken me longer than I planned because Sarah wanted her hair up like Kurt did it and I couldn't quite get it. We compromised somewhere around the third try.
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September 4, 2011. Journal, first day of school was a giant cluster fuck! After a rough start with Sarah in the morning I got to school just in time to hear the bell ring. So much for being on time for once. I thought the day was gonna pick up when I walked into English class and noticed Kurt was there. I walked over to sit by him, but he kinda hissed at me asking me what I thought I was doing. I didn't understand, but then he says for me to go sit with the others before someone notices me talking to him. I moved in a bit of fog after that – I mean what the actual fuck is going on? Then at lunch I'm sitting with the other glee kids and he purposely sits as far away as possible. I even lifted my arm to take a whiff making sure I didn't stink. I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
So then it's the end of the day and I'm thinking FINALLY I'll get to talk to him during glee and find out what the hell is wrong but NOOOOO! He wouldn't even look at me. I was so fuckin' pissed I had a Finn moment and kicked a chair. Everyone turned to look at me, but I was too pissed to give a fuck. I marched right up to him and asked, "What the fuck, Hummel? Why the fuck are you avoiding me? And why won't you talk to me?" He blushed before answering. "Noah, I'm just trying to save your reputation." I cut him off and told him that was bullshit. I don't give a fuck what people think anymore – I spent too many wasted years of my life worrying about the opinions of the losers in this God-forsaken town and I'm done with it. Either he's my friend or not… which made me hold my breath the minute I said it – 'cause what if he said no?! He didn't though; he apologized and promised he would be a better friend. I released my breath and kinda sagged into the chair next to him.
It was awkward after that. The others were staring at us – well except for Finn – he was his usual clueless self. It didn't get much better either. After glee I tried to get Kurt to talk to me, but he said he had to go and we could catch up at the shop. Then just as he was about to go along comes Azimio and he makes like he's gonna shove Kurt into a locker. I stepped in between them. I told him "don't even think about it." He looked at me in shock before it turned into a sneer. "Turning fag, Puckerman? I knew Homo Explosion would get to you." No one questions my badassness – no one! So I shoved him into the lockers and got right into his face. "Fuck you, lard ass" I growled. He shoved me back before turning to walk off. When I turned to make sure Kurt was okay he was gone! I'm so fuckin' confused, Journal! I get it – really – I know he doesn't know what you know, that I've been in love with him since we was kids but why is he rejecting my friendship. He says he's forgiven me for being a douche but then turns around and ignores me. I wish I had someone to talk to – maybe Santana? I'm just not sure she can keep her big yap shut though. Normally I would talk to Finnocence but that's a no go. We may have been getting along lately but he's still holding back. Plus I can just imagine the bullshit he'll say when he finds out. It's not that he's a bad guy, I love him like the bro he is, it's more like he knows too much about me to let me get away with anything and honestly, I have no fuckin' clue what to do with that.
I went and picked up Sarah before heading to the shop. Burt said he would help and fill out all the first day paperwork. I told him I would sign them as I'm listed as a 'guardian' on all her stuff. While they're in the office I started on an oil change until Kurt comes in. Right away he starts yelling at me about what the hell I think I'm doing getting into a fight with Azimio. I told him I didn't understand the problem here. I wasn't about to let someone hurt him anymore. He growled at me! Legit fuckin' growled at me! If we weren't arguing I'm pretty sure I would've grabbed him and kissed him. I could feel my control slipping. He must have said something I wasn't paying attention to 'cause the next thing I know he's throwing his hands up in the air and muttering about stupid jocks as he walks away. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO? Shit! I'm to the point where I can't take it. I want to grab him and tie him to a chair and just tell him how much I want him until he believes me, or maybe let him read my journals - huh? I wonder if that would actually work. Maybe… either way something has to give.
Laters ~
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Earlier that day…
Burt and Sarah looked up as they heard yelling from the shop. Kurt was really letting Noah have it, but the taller boy looked confused.
"I wonder what that's about," Burt muttered out loud.
"Noey's in love with Kurt," Sarah blurted.
"What?"
"People think 'cause I'm young I don't know things, but Noah has never treated me like that – we talk." She smiled at Burt before going back to her homework.
"He said he's in love with Kurt?" Burt took off his hat and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I've read his journals. He's kept one since our father walked out on us. I think it was like fifth grade or something when he first starting crushing on Kurt, but now it's love. Noe was scared of it at first but he's coming around, you know, trying to do right by Kurtie and earn his love. I think it's sweet and totally about time – none of those girls Noe dated ever gave a shit about him – well, except maybe Tana but she's just like him so there's that." Sarah never even looked up when she spoke.
"What does Kurt think? Do you know?"
Burt was surprised by a couple of things. One, he wasn't upset to learn Noah had feelings for Kurt like he always thought he would be when Kurt finally got a boyfriend and two, he really liked the Puckerman siblings. These kids had been handed a shit deal, but they stuck by each other and Noah really had done a hell of a job raising Sarah even though he is just a kid himself.
"I think Kurt does feel something for Noe but he won't admit it, not even to himself. I keep dropping hints but you know how stubborn Kurtie can be."
"You got that right! Gets it from his mother for sure."
Burt chuckled at the raised eyebrow Sarah gave him.
"Okay, maybe he gets it from me too! Don't be such a smarty pants young lady."
"Well I wish they would get their act together. I think Noe's gonna get desperate soon and that always ends with him doin' somethin' stupid."
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The following weeks at school were more of the same and I was seriously getting tired of it. We'd fallen into this pattern and it sucked! At school Kurt would barely acknowledge me unless it was in glee, but after school it was like it had been during summer. All this back and forth was making me fell like a fuckin' yo-yo.
Not to mention the other jocks were giving me shit anyway. I'd been in three fights by the end of the second week. There was no way I was backing down. Those fuckers didn't know who they were messin' with.
The good thing about all this was my relationship with Finn and the other 'glocks' was getting better. Mike even complimented me on the black eye I gave Nelson when I caught him trying to slushy Tina. It wasn't just Kurt I was protecting, but Kurt was my priority.
Still I seemed to be in a holding pattern with him and I was beginning to feel desperate. Something was gonna happen – I just didn't know what or when. I thought about just coming out. I even planned it out in my head. I could just stand up on one of the tables at lunch and shout that I was in love with Kurt. That would certainly get his attention, but I was terrified that with the way he ran hot and cold lately, this would push him over the edge.
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September 28, 2011. Just what I need, Journal, more fuckin' drama! I'm in the locker room changing out after practice when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by Azimio and some of his goons. They started giving me shit about the glee kids and Kurt in particular. It was getting pretty heated when Karofsky comes out of nowhere and stands next to me. Adams was pissed off but Dave's like "just leave him alone, dude" and "why do any of you even care what Puck does?" I was kinda shocked. Him and Az get into it verbally for a bit but when one of the guys shoves Dave into the locker – it was on! I could see the minute the fire lit in Karofsky's eyes and the next thing I know Strando is out cold. Damn! I think I should invite Karofsky to fight club some time :)) Anyway… two of the other guys grab my arms but Adams and Karofsky are just standing there toe-to-toe. I think neither wants to throw down with their BFF and honestly I was shocked Dave even stuck up for me. I used them as a distraction to headbutt one guy in the nose while I kicked the other's legs out from under him. We went down hard and I think I bruised my fuckin' shoulder but just then Bieste comes busting in the locker room hollering. We all wound up getting detention for a week. Adams says this ain't over and I told him he knew where to find me.
After everyone cleared out I thanked Dave. He gave me a strange look before he started talking. "I know you have feelings for Kurt and the reason I know this is because whenever I stare at him I almost always catch you doing the same thing. The thing is, I can see him stare back at you – I figure that's gotta mean somethin'. I don't wanna fight with my best friend but I can't keep doing this either. I wanna find someone for me and I don't wanna be afraid anymore." I told him I understood and that I would do whatever it takes to keep him out of it. He told me to watch my back as he left. I certainly didn't see that coming. It hit me on my way to get Sarah that we'd unofficially came out to each other back there and it didn't freak me out one bit. I guess that says more to me than anything else.
So of course just to make sure my day is topped off with a shit Sunday, when Sarah and I get home Ma's here – already drunk. I quickly sent Squirt to her room and told her to lock the door as I gave her my cell phone. Ma and I went at it pretty good and I guess the screaming got to Sarah 'cause the next thing I know I'm dodging plates and glasses being chucked at my head when my Nana walks in the door. She starts screaming at Ma in a combination of Hebrew and Yiddish, I think, 'cause I'm getting about every third word or so. Nana's a fierce old broad although I'd never say that to her – she'd kill me! It took a bit but eventually Nana got Ma to leave. Neither of us really cared where she went just as long as she was gone.
I started cleaning up the broken glass before Sarah saw it but Nana told me to leave it before she dragged me into her arms and held me. I totally didn't mean to start crying, but everything just got to me – so there I am crying like a fuckin' five-year-old on my Nana's lap. Words just started coming out. I told her about Kurt and how much I loved him and how fucked I was if I couldn't get him to accept me. I spilled about the fighting at school and how bad things were with Ma. I'm not even sure what else I told her after that but she just rocked me and let me get it all out. She didn't pass any judgment; in fact she didn't even really say anything. We cleaned up the kitchen and then I went to find Sarah – I was sure she was hiding somewhere. I finally found her in my closet buried under my jacket. She had Kurt's bowtie he gave her and her teddy bear tucked under her arm. She started crying when I pulled her to me and let me tell you it broke my fuckin' heart. I don't know how to protect her sometimes and I worry all this bullshit is gonna fuck her up for life.
Nana found us both and told us to change shirts. She took us to dinner. Luckily when we got back Ma still wasn't here – I wasn't looking forward to round two. I told Sarah I had detention for a week and that Nana would pick her up after school and stay with her at our place until I got home. She asked Nana if they could go to the shop after school instead of home because Ma was usually here during those hours. I think Nana agreed but I was kinda out of it by that time.
Just another fucked up day in fuckin' paradise…
Laters ~
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AN: Well? What do you think? Let me know… I love to read your thoughts and I try to respond to as many as I can. Hugs, Melissa