When I came out from my shower, Sam had finally gone to bed. If you could call it that. He was laying on his bed, dressed even to his boots, using his jacket as a blanket.
I knew that tactic. Hell is so hot and so cold that a thin blanket on a cold night is too much. And the night was cold and the room was cold, but I didn't cover a blanket over him. After hell, even a little warmth is oppressive and a little cool is refreshing and Sam was a little brittle even if he didn't think so.
Getting his soul back was good thing, it was, it is, it always will be.
But like every other good thing in our lives, it came at the expense of pain.
And Sam was in pain.
Even though he pretended he was fine.
I knew that too. The rehearsed casualness, the feigned indifference to hell, the bottle of Jack tucked inside the backpack. The Winchester version of 'don't ask me, because I won't tell you…'
I got into bed, and left one overbed light on, because I knew that waking up in the dark and quiet after hell could be terrifying. Was usually terrifying.
And I laid there and listened to Sam breathe.
There's not much I can't sleep through - earthquakes, hurricanes, dripping ceilings, pain, stitches, boring movies, stupid music, hunger, anger, snoring family members, whatever.
But I've always had a hard time sleeping through knowing that Sam was suffering. And he was suffering now. He could act tough and badass and 'alpha hunter', but that's all that it was - acting.
Yeah, he'd been that way while he was on soul-hiatus, but - he had his soul back, and he was being flooded with pain and guilt and fear and disorientation - and pain - and nothing would get him over that or through it or out of it but time, strength, and determination.
And a big brother half sleeping with a light left on, keeping both eyes on him.
After awhile, I gave up laying down and sat up against the headboard. I shoved my pillows behind my back and flicked the TV on, turning the sound down to a dull murmur.
Sooner or later, Sam was going to wake up with a nighmare.
Sooner and later, I was going to be there.
The End.