AN: This was inspired by the song "If You Were Gay" from the musical "Avenue Q" Enjoy! Read and Review!
Nico was not happy. The entire week had just been one big ball of suck. First he had to face Cupid, out of all the gods there were why that one, in order to get that stupid Diocletian's scepter (all right so it was going to provide limitless access to an undead army, but that was besides the point.), then he had to reveal his deepest secret, his crush on the one and only Percy Jackson (Come on, who couldn't fall in love with that hero? He was hot, well muscled, hunky, adorable, silly, goofy, and just a little scruffy. He was the perfect combo of a hero and a puppy. Not to mention those adorable baby seal eyes of his. They could melt even the coldest hearts. Nico could just stare into those eyes all day . . . Getting off topic here. The important thing was that Nico liked Percy. The worst part was, that out of all the people who heard his confession at Cupid's, it had to be Jason Grace (stupid Mr. Perfect Roman Goody Two-Shoes) out of all people to be there with him. Why couldn't the ground just swallow him up right then and there? Wait, that would have meant talking to his dad right after his humiliating confession. He changed his mind and thanked the ground for staying solid under his feet.
Currently he was sitting in the cargo bay of the Argo II. Most of it was taken up by the Athena statue, so Nico just sat in her eye (blasphemous he knew, but it was her fault for being so big and having such a comfortable eye). He had to take a nap before departing to Camp Half-Blood with Reyna to deliver the Athena Parthenos, but he wanted some alone time before he left. Child of Hades, remember? He was used to being alone and the idea of spending a lengthy of amount of time with another person was terrifying enough. Not to mention the fact he would have to shadow travel the forty foot statue of a goddess he was sitting on.
So deep in thought was Nico, that he didn't notice Percy Jackson approach him and sit in Athena's other eye (up in Olympus, Athena nearly blasted both of them out of the sky). Percy took a breath.
"So. . ."
Nico jumped at the voice, drawing out his sword and pointing it at the speaker, only relaxing when he realized it was just Percy. He sheathed his weapon and just scowled at the intruder.
"What do you want?"
"I just want to talk," Percy smiled. "No need to run me through."
Nico snorted and turned away from Percy. Percy once again, began his attempt at starting a conversation.
"Hey did I tell you about that time on the subway? There was this guy, and he was smiling at me and talking to me. . ."
"That's very interesting." Nico interrupted.
"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me," Percy continued, "I think he might've thought I was gay!"
"Why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" Nico burst out.
"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it Nico." Percy attempted to backtrack only making things worse.
"I am NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to relax!"
"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Nico. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."
"I don't want to talk about it, Percy! This conversation is over!"
"Yeah, but..."
"Over!"
"Well, okay, but just so you know, Nico, we live in a world of acceptance. Sure there are those stubborn bastards who can't accept the fact that love is love, but, I mean, come on, this isn't 1940's anymore. So, if you want someone to talk to I'm here."
"Percy, where did this even come from?"
"Well, I noticed that you've never even looked at a girl passing by or even talked about getting a girlfriend."
"Are you trying to imply something?" Nico was starting to get irritated and Percy's instinct told him to back off before Nico summoned another ghost army.
"NO! No, I'm not implying anything, its just that, well. . ." Percy got an idea form that musical took Annabeth to a while back, he thought it was hilarious, but thought it was too crude. He opened his mouth and started to sing.
"If you were gay,
that'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Because you see,
if it were me,
I would feel free to say that I was gay.
But I'm not gay." Albeit it didn't sound very good, in fact it sounded very bad, but it did the job.
"Percy, please! I am trying to relax." Nico desperately tried to alter the course of the conversation. Percy just stared at him, "What?!"
"If you were queer,
I'd still be here,
year after year,
because you're dear to me.
And I know that you would accept me too,
if I told you today
'Hey! Guess what, I'm gay!'
But I'm not gay.
I'm happy just being with you.
So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"
Nico blanched.
"Percy, that's disgusting!" He shivered feeling dirty.
"No, it's not!" Percy protested
"If you were gay,
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay, but I wouldn't get in your way.
You can count on me,
to always be beside you every day,
to tell you it's okay,
you were just born that way,
and, as they say,
it's in your DNA,
you're gay!"
"But I'm not gay!" Nico protested.
"If you WERE gay."
"Argh!" Nico stormed off in a rage. Only to realize that he was supposed to be the one waiting by the Athena Parthenos and not Percy. So Nico di Angelo turned around and stomped back up to Percy and violently chased him around with his sword and a few skeletons.
If Percy had the time to spare and turned around to look at Nico as he was chased around the statue, (which, incidentally, Athena was very tempted to animate and stomp on the both of them) perhaps he would have seen that Nico was just noticeably smiling. Just perhaps.
So that was that, I had fun, I hope you did to.
Signing off,
Thanatos' Wrath