Something was amiss in Skyhold.
Solas had first noticed when Josephine had rushed through the base of the rotunda on her way to see Leliana. The colour was drained from the ambassador's cheeks and her hands were shaking, causing a piece of paper to rustle in her grasp with every step.
A letter with bad news then, he surmised.
When the spymaster and ambassador passed him again on their way to Cullen's office, his suspicions were confirmed. And when all three advisors came by once more on their way to the war room, Solas realized it was worse than he'd first thought.
"Are you certain she should hear it from the three of us?" Cullen was asking, the lines of his forehead deepening with the furrow of his brow. "Surely there is someone who could make the blow less…"
As Cullen tried to find the end of that sentence, Solas saw Leliana look his way, wearing almost an accusing expression. "No. This is our duty," she said firmly. Her tone managed to imply that they shouldn't even be discussing the matter out in the open, or seemed to at least judging by the way Cullen fell silent after that. Josephine simply sighed, shook her head and quietly begged Andraste to save them as she walked past.
Solas was curious about the matter of course, concerned even, but knew he would find out in time. Usually, once all the arguing over the proper course of action was finished, he would be called upon by Mai- Inquisitor Lavellan. It stung to force himself to refer to her by her title, but he'd given up the right to call her Mairenn, or as he had always preferred, vhenan.
Once the three advisors rounded the corner into the throne room, he pushed the matter from his mind entirely and returned to considering how to fill the final panel of the rotunda's fresca, not giving the moment a second thought until the following day.
Late in the evening, when all was quiet and even the library was mostly empty, a fluttering piece of paper caught his eye as it drifted to the floor. He glanced up just in time to see the spymaster's cape as she slipped past him, moving up the stairs towards her rookery.
Leliana was not a woman who did anything by accident, he reminded himself as he went to pick it up. This was something she wanted him to see, and it didn't take him long to understand why. In fact, he recognized the handwriting the moment he laid eyes on it.
Leliana,
My clan are dead because of a decision I made. I need to put them to rest. I'd take it as a kindness if you didn't have me followed.
Mairenn.
Solas bowed his head and closed his eyes, wishing more than anything he could have spared the woman he loved such hurt, especially on top of that which he had already inflicted.
The terseness of the note spoke volumes of her pain. Inquisitor Lavellan was now notorious across the south of Thedas for her long missives, ones that mixed well-meaning personal questions and well wishes in with Inquisition business. She struggled to think of business and personal as two separate aspects of her life, given that there had been no such separation for the members of her clan. It was something he'd always found quite endearing, though he was certain it brought plenty of extra work for Josephine.
He folded the note in half and set it down on his desk, pondering what could be done. He couldn't imagine the spymaster had shared this information with him simply because she thought he ought to know. Perhaps Mairenn had spoken of their long walks in the Fade together, and perhaps Leliana had decided that checking on the Inquisitor through her dreams did not count as having her followed.
Before the Temple of Mythal, he would have rushed to her side without hesitation, offering whatever support he could. But now… It was hard to know if she would even want to see him. He swallowed harshly and considered his options, knowing only that doing nothing was not a choice he could make.
From First to last. A thought that brought unspeakable sorrow.
Mairenn had spent hours wandering a snowy forest somewhere to the north of whatever was left of Haven. Gathering the acorns she needed had taken hours, and she needed far, far too many. With every step since Skyhold, she'd recited the names to herself, ensuring no one went forgotten. There would be no bodies to return to the soil, and the lonely hillside she had chosen was far from the land they used to wander, but it was all she could think to do to mark the passing of her clan.
She used her magic to warm the soil before planting the acorns one by one, the melted snow leaving the earth damp and ready. She gently urged them to grow using the magic that Keeper Deshanna had taught her, coaxing roots to spread beneath the earth and little saplings to begin to sprout.
There had been no call to use such magic since leaving for the conclave, save for the rare occasions at Skyhold when things were quiet and she had some time to help the herbs in the garden to grow. Her mana had been saved for fighting, and for protecting those who fought beside her, but she had never let herself forget the magic that was passed from a Keeper to her First.
Working tirelessly, she stayed with the circle of saplings for two days straight, protecting them from the threat of frost and snow, singing for the lost and praying to Falon'din to guide them as she wove their branches together, linking the empty graves of clan Lavellan in a memorial that would stand for Ages.
The work helped her to hold herself together when every piece of her wanted to fall apart. It helped her to ignore, for the moment, the fact that she no longer knew who to fight for, the fact that she wasn't sure how to carry on. It was certainly better than wandering aimlessly through Skyhold, putting all of her energy into showing a brave face for fear of letting anyone see an Inquisitor who couldn't be strong. That had barely worked when Solas had left, and she didn't have it in her to do it again.
By the time she collapsed from exhaustion beside the small fire pit she'd built in the center of the circle, the oaks matched her in height and were certainly established enough to stand alone against the harsh Fereldan winter.
There was still work to do. She would carve the names of each of the fallen into their tree. Each required a staff of oak to to keep them from faltering along the path to the Beyond, and a branch of cedar to scatter Dirthamen's ravens, as was their tradition.
For now though, her body had nothing left to give. There was nothing she could do but sleep.
As often as they had walked together in the Fade in recent months, it didn't take Solas long to find Mairenn there. In the past, however, their shared dreams had taken place in memories they shared. Places where both of them were comfortable.
They'd meandered through the trunks of lofty oaks in the Emerald Graves, discussing elven lore and the beliefs and traditions of her clan. They'd waded barefoot through the clear pool beneath the waterfall at the Forbidden Oasis, speaking of magic; beginning with a practical discussion of personal technique, but soon finding themselves laughing at anecdotes of spells gone awry. They'd lain on the sands of the Hissing Wastes in companionable silence, watching an endless sky sparkle with stars… and somehow ended up lost in each other's eyes instead. And they'd done it all without ever leaving the relative safety of their beds in Skyhold.
This place though? This was unfamiliar to Solas. This was a memory he didn't share.
The aravels and the presence of the halla made it easy to recognize that he was in a Dalish camp. More specifically, he strongly suspected, it was Clan Lavellan's camp. Only none of the Dalish were present. There was nobody, in point of fact, save for one elf sitting on a log, alone by a large fire pit, an absent smile on her face as she stared into the flames.
Mairenn's vallaslin was back; that was the first thing he noticed as he moved closer. It was strange how quickly he'd gotten used to seeing her without the markings on her forehead. But this was her dream, this was how Mairenn supposed she ought to look, and so here, the vallaslin remained. Perhaps it always would.
Her smile widened as she saw him approach, and she patted the spot beside him to invite him to sit, which he did.
"You're really here," she said, just a hint of excitement in her voice. It was a cheerful, almost carefree tone that he realized he hadn't heard in weeks. So often when she spoke in the waking world now, it was with the weight of everyone's hopes on her tiny shoulders. "I didn't think you would come."
His face softened as it dawned on him that she wasn't aware of where they really were. The greeting wouldn't have had nearly such warmth if she had. She was guarded when he saw her now in the waking world, hiding every emotion and letting him see her only as Inquisitor Lavellan. Just as he had intended, though that didn't make it hurt any less. Here, in this place... she had let herself forget for the moment. It was impossible not to wish he could do the same.
"I... could not stay away," he answered carefully. It was the truth, but only as much of it as she needed to hear.
"The hunters will come back soon. Then we'll all eat together. It's going to be very busy and everyone's going to be curious about you, just a warning." She kept her eyes on the fire as she spoke, an almost shy smile on her lips as she used her magic to stoke the flames. "We've taken in runaways from the alienages before, but nobody has ever brought an outsider they... care for to meet Keeper Deshanna."
It was worse than he'd first feared. The realization brought an odd ache to his chest. This dream wasn't simply a safe place that Mairenn had retreated to. It was a future she had hoped for. It was a future where Corypheus was behind them, where they had gone north together so that Solas could meet her clan. It was an imagined future that had never had a hope of becoming reality, though he hadn't let her see that until recently.
Knowing that he needed to be gentle, he reached out to take her left hand in his, and turned it over so that she could see her palm. It was bare, unmarked, no sign of the anchor. Another impossible hope for the future, a bitter voice within taunted.
"I imagine," he said softly, "that nobody has returned to the fold with such a mark on their palm either."
For a moment she looked confused, before an abrupt flash of green burst from her hand as she remembered what was missing.
"No. I… I suppose not." There was a lingering green glow even after she balled her hand into a fist, and she looked around them as if searching for a quick change of subject. Abruptly, she rose to her feet and held her other hand out to him. "Come on, I have to show you one of the aravels. They're quite cozy on the inside."
He let her pull him up, but dug his heels into the ground to stop her from leading him away.
"Vhenan," he urged softly, pressing a hand to her cheek. The touch made his skin tingle. Even now, he felt that dangerous temptation to give up on his goals and simply lose himself in her. "Look around you. Something important is missing, is it not?"
Her green eyes twinkled as she looked up at him, that shy smile returning to her face as her hand settled atop his. "How could it be? You're here now."
He winced and drew in a ragged breath, feeling the now familiar stab of guilt in his chest. It took him a moment to reach the point where he felt he could speak without his voice cracking. He pressed a kiss to Mairenn's forehead, then stepped back, his hand falling away from her face.
He watched her closely as she looked to their surroundings. It was clear the exact moment that everything came rushing back to her. The colour drained from her cheeks and her eyes widened in horror. He had never expected to see a more pained expression than the one that had crossed her face when he'd pushed her away, but this was far worse. The loss of her clan had struck her to the very core, and for a moment he swore he could feel that pain as well.
"They're all… gone," she realized in a breathless whimper.
"Vhenan, tell me where you are. I will find you," he urged, realizing the shock was about to wake her from the dream.
"I… left Skyhold. Went north. I can't… I… I'm alone." Her breath became panicked as her eyes filled with tears. The sight was unbearable. "Everyone's left me," she gasped. It was the last thing she said before she vanished, her dream disappearing with her.
Solas tipped his head back and sighed before forcing himself to wake as well. North wasn't much to go on, but it was something, at least.