Hey, this is my first fanfic, so be nice! Even though what I write is not nice, be so to me! 'Kay? What do I mean by not nice? Well, people, it plainly means I'm screwing up the too perfect quest of Link and Malon! And you can't stop me! So read, and have a nice day.
This is screwed up. This is SO screwed up!
The young boy in green, Link, shook a fist at the heavens, cursing under his breath against the Hyrulean goddesses. What had happened to him is not a bad day, but worse. Worse than Mido and Saria sneaking off late at night without his knowledge. Worse than perambulating inside a giant fish of the Zoras. Worse than cramming everything because a suicidal moon is going to obliterate a time-strict town. Worse than getting his rear whipped by a freaky mask being that the creators of the universe took from hell and dropped it here. Worse than knowing that while everything is going on, two Kokiris held a forest party inside Link's house, which now smelled of fruity wine and burning leaves. Yes, even worse than that.
"I'm so happy I'm back!" Navi flitted in his face.
"Shut up!" Link wished that when he found Navi in the forest, she would have a R.I.P. stone behind her. He had hoped that all his efforts to confirm that Navi was dead wouldn't be in vain. Alas, when he found her, or rather she found him, he gaped and, on his knees, screamed every profanity word in every language he knew.
"HEY! DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP!"
"YEAH? I'M YOUR MASTER, SO YOU SHOULD OBEY ME!"
"MASTER? YOU IDIOT, YOU HAVE THE ROLES REVERSED! I'M THE MASTER!"
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! WHO IN THEIR STUPID DIVINE MIND MADE FAIRIES MASTERS WHILE THE KOKIRIS ARE THEIR SLAVES?"
"THE GREAT DEKU TREE DID BECAUSE THE STUPID GREAT WAR SHOWED HOW INCREDIBLY DOLTISH HYLIANS, GORONS, ZORAS, AND GERUDOS ARE!"
"Damn that piece of wood! I should have used Din's Fire on that talking plant a long time ago…"
"Well, ha! Now you can't! Because I forbid you to!"
"What do you mean you forbid me? You're only saying that because you lost that sacred magic of the goddess of power!"
"I didn't lose it! It sank in that creepy well!"
"You pushed the damn thing in there! Now how am I supposed to get it!"
"Just go down there!"
"Are you crazy! My butt was almost bitten off by that Dead Hand! You think you want your shiny, round ass be shank by those teeth?"
Before they knew it, they had argued the whole way to Lon Lon Ranch. Link did not know why, but it seemed as if someone had controlled him to come to this serene farm. However, serene as it may be, someone at the ranch will make sure the day goes haywire for the Hero of Time.
"Navi, you better had been the one that dragged me here…"
"What's wrong going here?"
When Link turned around to face her, the fairy could see fear in his face. "About that… I don't want to stay here. Please, if you have any pity left for me before that argument, I beg of you to let me leave here!"
"Okay… then no."
"Please! Don't let me stay here!"
"This seems to be tormenting you, I like that. So, no."
"Please, I must get the hell out of here before-"
"Hey, fairy boy!"
"NOOO!" Link spun and tried to sprint, but he's paralyzed by an unknown force. "NO, I BEG OF YOU, FARORE! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" He landed on his knees and clasped his hands in desperate prayer.
"Hiya, Liiiiiink…" Two hands covered his eyes. It's too late, he realized. With nowhere to run, the little hero whimpered as he felt a hot, sweaty presence and caught the scent of flowers and cow manure combined. "I knew you'd come back! I was so lonely without you to play with!"
"Oh, Farore, why have you forsaken me!"
"Forsaken what, cutie?" Malon brought the trembling Link into her arms, smoldering the back of his green tunic with muck. "Miss me? 'Cause I miss you, Linky-poo."
"Linky-poo?" Navi choked in laughter. "Link, what have you been doing while I was gone?"
"Some very nice things, haven't you, fairy boy?"
"Please, let this be a horrible dream…" the hero whined.
"Oh, you silly boy," giggled Malon. "Have you forgotten our sweet kiss?"
"Kiss?" Navi said. "What the-"
"And those naughty moments after that?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait…" the fairy interrupted. "Are you saying… that you did naughty things… while you're TEN?"
"Oh, Navi! All I did was rub his butt. Like right now." Navi found a hand clutching Link's rear firmly. "See?"
"Please…" Link whimpered while still flinched in shock, "let go of my butt…"
"Aw, but you came here, didn't you? That means you want Malony to rub your hindy, don't ya, fairy boy?"
"Actually, the player did that," Navi clarified.
"The what?"
"The player. One of the hundred millions of deities who control Link's life."
"What?"
"Well, right now, only one at a time can control this Link here."
"Okay… well… um, it seems as if you took leave of the insane asylum too early…"
"Oh, no. Nintendo, the great god of the whole universe and everything in the universe, hasn't considered me crazy. This, Malon…" Navi tilted towards her hand, "is listed as one of TVs top rated outrageous moments."
"But me and Link like it!"
"No, I don't…" the traumatized Link muttered under his breath.
"Anyway… we're on vacation."
"'We'?" Link jumped away from the horny redhead and glared at Navi. "There's no 'we' in this! This is my private vacation! I need some alone time!"
"Well, under Nintendo's laws of slaves under fairies, it states that I must accompany you while you enjoy yourself."
"Nintendo, whoever this creator is, can just take those laws of theirs and shove it up their-"
"Hey, I got an idea!" Malon intervened. "How about if I come with you guys?"
"NO! I swear, if any of you come with me, I will-"
"Dad!" she called to Talon snoozing in his house. "I'm going with my fairy boy on vacation, okay!"
A half-awake voice sounded through the door. "'Kay… Have… fun with… your Link…"
Link, in his disbelief, ran and pounded on the door madly. "Sir! You can't let your daughter go with me! You can't do this to me! YOU CAN'T! PLEASE, SIR, RECONSIDER!" A famous snore of Talon's answered back. "NO! WAKE UP! I DON'T WANT MALON TO GO WITH ME! NO! NO…! No…! No…" Link sobbed as he slid down the wooden door in despair.
"You don't mind, do you, Navi?"
"Oh, no, Malon. Anything that leaves Link like this is perfectly fine with me. In fact, I'll pay you if you keep this up during his vacation."
"Oh, I have my pay. My pay is to have Linky-poo here with me while we have fun!" Malon walked up and simply grabbed Link's ankle. With ease, she dragged him from the house and out towards Hyrule Field.
"Let's go to Kakariko Village," Navi said while she flew ahead. "They should have an inn there while we prepare for tomorrow's, um, fun."
"I'm gonna love this vacation! How about you, sweetie pie?"
A quiet, broken wail escaped from Link's mouth. "Farore, why did curse me with these two deplorable woes…?"
A ten-year old, perverted Malon. Cute.