Title: What It Takes To Come Back
Author: Caera1996
W/C: 1,252
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: PG
Summary: H/C – Jim is recovering from being held captive. Physically he's okay, but he's struggling with the after effects, and Leonard does what he can to help.

Leonard sighed, leaning forward on his desk, resting his head in his hands. He was tired…and frustrated…and…scared, if he was going to be honest with himself. He was in the process of reviewing the medical reports again…not that there was anything to be learned from them. He'd written them, after all. He knew exactly what they said. And how much they didn't say.

Three weeks. They'd had Jim back for three weeks, and he still wasn't all there…wasn't all Jim. Oh, he put on a good front…smiling, trading insults with Uhura, teasing Chekov…he took most of his meals in the mess as he usually did, to be "accessible" to the crew. He turned in reports, frustrated Rand, and generally seemed to be settling back into life.

Except he wasn't. Physically, he was fine. In other ways, though, in subtle ways, he wasn't. In ways that mattered…in ways that made Jim the man he'd fallen in love with, the man who had no doubt about his ability, and the ability of his crew…he was different. Anyone who knew him…really knew him, could see it. In his eyes, in the way he carried himself, in the fidgeting that was less because of irrepressible energy and more because of nervousness. In the brittle smile that never reached his eyes, and the way he would sometimes flinch if someone or something took him by surprise.

Spock saw it, too. Maybe because of how close he and Jim had become over the last two years, but he knew that Jim was different…that they'd taken something he hadn't yet regained. Spock had come to see him privately, and suggested that now might be a good time to take some of that shore leave they'd saved up. Loathe as he was to admit it, Leonard felt that maybe Spock was right. He knew Spock was right when Jim simply agreed to the tentative suggestion. No argument, no fight, no insisting that he was "fine, Bones! Really." …nothing. Worse, and most heartbreakingly, he sounded almost…relieved.

Leonard knew what it was…recognized the nightmares, the hyper-awareness, the irritability that showed up at inexplicable times, the nervousness and jumpiness, and most telling…the fact that though he was cleared medically, and there'd been three opportunities, Jim had chosen to stay on board the ship rather than be part of the away team. Post traumatic stress disorder was taking its toll on him, and he just wasn't…Jim.

And Leonard didn't know if he'd be able to help because he wouldn't talk about it. Not really. He did what was required by Starfleet regs for officers who'd been captured and held prisoner, and he divulged enough for the reports to be filled and filed away…but Leonard knew he wasn't talking about everything, because the nightmares he'd been having were not the result of what he described happened to him during those ten days.

So…they were leaving. They were going to spend some time on Earth, in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. They were set to beam down tomorrow. Closing the files he'd been working on, satisfied that M'Benga would be able to take care of anything that may come up over the next couple of weeks, Leonard sighed and stood. Jim would be waiting for him in their quarters by now.

Unsurprisingly, the door was locked. Jim never left the door unlocked anymore. Leonard keyed his entry code and stepped in to the dim room. Leonard didn't see him right away, which meant he was either in the bathroom or sleeping area of their quarters.

"Hey, Jim – I'm back," Leonard announced. There was a rustling sound from the direction of the bedroom.

"In here, Bones," came the quiet reply. Leonard frowned. It was still early…the fact that Jim was already in bed was troubling. Depression, Leonard knew, was another symptom of PTSD. It could be something new…or it could just be that he was tired from not sleeping through the night. Leonard dropped the PADDs and other materials he was planning on taking with him on the table, noting that it looked like Jim had done all the packing for them, and headed to the bedroom.

The area was illuminated by a single light on one of their desks, and he could see Jim curled up under the covers. He was lying in Leonard's spot, holding Leonard's pillow. He had to swallow and take a moment to steady himself at that.

"You okay, Jim?" he asked quietly, sitting on a chair to remove his boots. Jim watched as he undressed, leaving his uniform draped over the chair instead of hanging it in the closet. Jim considered his questions. Was he okay? He was fairly certain they both knew that right now the answer was a resounding "no". But he didn't think that's what Bones was asking this time. What he was probably asking was "why the hell are you in bed so goddamn early?". Choosing to answer that one, because it was a little easier, Jim nodded.

"Just tired," he said. "And…I was a little cold." Leonard crooked an eyebrow at that.

"Could always raise the temperature in here, kid," he said lightly. Jim looked away and shook his head.

"Wouldn't've helped."

Leonard didn't respond to that, but simply finished changing into an old t-shirt and boxers and moved to join him in the bed. He slid in behind Jim, starting to wrap his arms around him. He stopped and waited when Jim shifted position, turning so they were lying face to face. He kept his eyes averted and clutched the front of Bones' t-shirt in his hands. Jim tangled their legs together, pressing as close to Bones as he could, and he had the sense that if Jim could crawl inside of him, he would have.

Leonard held him tightly, gently drawing his hand up and down Jim's back, the other tenderly cupping his head. This hurt. Oh, god, this hurt…to know that Jim was suffering and know there was not a damn thing he could do about it. Leonard felt his eyes water and swallowed hard around a painful lump in his throat.

"Bones," Jim whispered.

"I'm here, Jim," he said immediately. "I'll always be here."

"I – I'm really a mess this time," Jim admitted softly, closing his eyes. Leonard practically held his breath, wondering if their imminent departure from Enterprise was the catalyst for this first insight into what was really going on with him.

"It's okay to be a mess, Jim, for a while. It's normal. But you will be okay," Leonard replied. "Let me help you."

Jim sighed and shook his head. Leonard wondered what he was saying "no" to. "What if…what if I'm never okay? What does that mean for us?" Leonard pulled back enough to see his face, and gently used a hand under his chin to tip his head up, urging Jim to look at him.

"I will always be here," he said again. "You and me…we're always. Understand me, Jim?" Leonard said seriously, intently. He needed Jim to understand and truly believe this…he had the sense that it was an important step, and maybe, somehow, a first peak at whatever had happened to him.

After a moment, Jim nodded. "I think I'm going to be okay," he whispered. "I just…need some time." Leonard leaned in and kissed Jim gently, trying to impart love and comfort and compassion and empathy…saying with actions everything that was just too much for words alone.

"You got it, Jim. You got me. Always."