Every ninja in Konoha liked Christmas a lot, but SASUKE (who lived in an abandoned complex on the edge of Konoha) – did NOT. Sasuke hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season – although exactly why, only a few know the reason.

Sasuke was a little boy ninja with an attitude problem – you see, his parents and family and everyone else had been killed by his older brother, and so for some bizarre reason he thought he needed to do something about it. And that involved being grouchy and emo and anti-social. And perfectionist. And strong, silent, and hot. So, you see, Sasuke was the ideal person to despise Christmas, which is a time of family, love, joy, and giving – something Sasuke despised. Well, not really: if the family was his older brother Itachi, the love was in the kunai, the giving was into Itachi's throat, and the joy was celebrating over Itachi's headless body. Sasuke's favorite Christmas carol would probably go something like this:

'Joy to the world, Itachi is dead. I barbecued his head! Don't worry 'bout the body, I flushed it down the potty, and round and round it goes, and round and round it goes, and ro-HOUND, and roooound, and round it goes!'

Except he never sang. Or smiled. Or showed joy. Although he probably would dance and laugh and sing that song if he really did give Itachi a kunai to the throat as a ChristmaHanaKwanza present. Which would make everybody lolzbucket and die laughing.

So, Sasuke hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season – although no one exactly quite knows the reason.

It could be that his family was murdered and dead.

It could be that he just wasn't right in the head.

But I think that the most likely reason of all was that Sasuke the ninja was not very tall.

…hello, Kakashi dwarfs him. And he does have a superiority complex, after all. OK, so maybe not the most likely reason.

So anyway, Sasuke despised Christmas, but he didn't want to actually ruin it for Konoha until the day Sakura and Naruto made him wear reindeer antlers while Team 7 was out doing missions. Something inside him snapped, and he was from that moment on out to get vengeance on all Konoha for spoiling his BAD BOY TUDE!

So how did Sasuke try to spoil Christmas for Konoha? Well, the original plan involved rabid squirrels attacking and transplanting all the greenery with poison ivy, but that didn't work out so well. But in the end, Sasuke's Grand Master Christmas-Ruining Plan boiled down to this:

Get Naruto to do it for him.

Only problem was:

Sasuke: "So, dobe, I've heard rumors of Sand Ninja infiltrating Konoha. Whatdya say we check it out after mission?"

Naruto: "Uh, sorry, teme. I'm going caroling with Sakura-chan at the Disabled Ninjas' Home."

Sasuke: "WTFudgecake?! They HAVE a Disabled Ninjas' Home!? And you're going CAROLING instead of fighting? I pity them."

Naruto: "Sorry, Sas. I'm on my best behavior. Santa's coming, you know!"

Sasuke: "o_________ You believe in Santa?!"

Naruto: "Yeah! Kakashi-sensei took me'n'Sakura to the Kunai Mall yesterday and we saw Santa sitting in his sleigh there! I sat on his lap and told him I wanted like ninety-million coupons for Ichiraku's, while he laughed really low and looked like his beard was itchy and killing him. It smelled like rotting cotton."

Sasuke: "TMI! TMI! Wait- you SAT on Santa's lap?!?!"

Naruto: "Sure! Although Sakura thought he was a pervert because he kept jumping up shouting 'YOSH!' and crying and scaring the crap out of little kids."

Sasuke: "Uuuh…I think that was Maito Gai."

Naruto: "NO! It was SANTA, teme! How DARE you suggest that Gai is Santa?!" *thinks* "Although, he WOULD be able to deliver all the presents in one night if he had the energy of Gai-sensei!"

Sasuke: "Whatever."

Naruto: "Hey, you'd better be good too, Sasuke! Or else Santa won't bring you anything."

Sasuke: "I don't believe in Santa."

Naruto: "WHAT!?" *shouts at sky* "HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT, SANTA!" *grabs Sasuke* "You're going caroling, just to make up for that!"

Sasuke: "Katon: Goykakou no Jutsu!" *blows Naruto away* "Phew, I got out of that one…"

So, Sasuke's Master Grand Plan Part A did not work. Because Naruto was on his best behavior for Santa (a.k.a. GAI-SENSEI!!). So now what does he do?

Sasuke waited. Patiently. He waited while Sakura squealed and squealed over the bubble bath Kakashi and Naruto bought her for Christmas (that smelled like a fish's B.O.). He waited while Kakashi shoved a stocking on his head and pretended that he was the elf who bakes cookies in a tree (hey, Kakashi had a little too much sake, OK?). He waited while Team 7 went on endless missions to help little old ladies string up Christmas lights and decorate trees with kunai and garlands of jutsu scrolls and bake Christmas cookies in the shape of shuriken and decorate them. He even grunted a thank you when Sakura pressed a batch of her homemade fudge on him that TASTED like a fish's B.O.. She must have thought he was in on the bubble bath present. So Sasuke gave the fudge to Naruto and watched him foam bubble bath at the mouth while he dreamed and schemed dastardly things in his brain.

FINALLY, it was Christmas Eve. Sakura and Naruto had hung up their stockings, bought Kakashi's present (the new IchaIcha), wrapped everything, and gone to bed. And Sasuke's plan was set.

He pulled out the reindeer costume he'd had to wear at the caroling at the Disabled Ninjas' Home (Kakashi had bullied him into going with his superior height). He'd wrapped toilet paper around the hooves so they wouldn't clatter on the roofs. The antlers had had jingle bells on them, but he had prudently snipped them off with a wirecutter. Sasuke tied a black piece of cloth with two eye-holes cut in it over the front, so no one would recognize his reindeer costume. He was a mandeer with a mission!

First, the Sasuke mandeer went skip-hopping over the roofs with his wirecutters snipping off Christmas lights. He laughed maniacally as the bulbs smashed on the roads below. On the top of the Hokage's building, somebody (probably Gai and Lee) had strung two rows of red lights that were blinking, leading up to a circle with an S in it, presumably standing for 'Santa' or 'sleigh'. Sasuke viciously tore up the landing strip for Santa's sleigh, not realizing he'd doomed his mission by doing so.

The mandeer then slipped down chimneys and, to avoid wasting chakra incinerating presents, merely shoved them back up the chimney and onto the roof, where he couldn't think of what to do with them. So Sasuke sat and he thought and he thought, until he came up with a dastardly solution: stick them in Naruto's apartment to throw suspicion on HIM as the conniving, Christmas-spoiling mandeer!

So Sasuke pranced all over the roofs of Konoha, running back and forth from Naruto's apartment to drop off the presents while Naruto snored and snored. It was nearing dawn, and Sasuke was congratulating himself already on his success. His last run was to Kakashi's, to lift that copy of IchaIcha, when it happened.

Coming out of Kakashi's chimney, Sasuke was suddenly spotted by Gai and Lee, who were waiting excitedly on the roof to spot Santa and his reindeer.

"LOOK! It's a reindeer!" Lee cried, streaming anime tears.

"After it!" Gai cried. "If we do not catch it and make it lead us to Candy Mountain, we must bounce a thousand laps around Konoha on our left buttocks!" Animated by the challenge, Gai and Lee took off after the mandeer Sasuke.

So Sasuke started running. He looked back over his shoulder to see how much they were gaining on him, when WHAM! He collided with something hairy and snorty. That trampled him. Painfully.

Almost every ninja in Konoha heard the yells. Windows were thrown up and roofs stood on as they emerged to see the sight.

"It's Santa's sleigh! Why hasn't he landed on the Hokage's building?"

"Maybe the fire-breathing mandeer thing has something to do with it!"

"A FIRE-BREATHING MANDEER? CATCH HIM!"

With a whoop and a yell, everyone took after Sasuke, who ran for Naruto's apartment. He dumped the costume on Naruto's floor and flung himself under the bed just as Kakashi and Sakura burst into the room and stopped dead at the sight of all Konoha's presents piled up in Naruto's room.

"NARUTO NO BAKA!" Sakura thundered. "Why are everyone's presents in YOUR room!"

Naruto shook his head sleepily, saw the mess, and grinned.

"SANTA LOVES ME!!!!!"

"No, you idiot! You stole my presents!"

"Give me back my new scrolls!" Tenten demanded.

"Where's Akamaru's bone?" Kiba snarled. Naruto waved his hands anxiously.

"No, I swear, I didn't do this! Um…Uh…"

"If Naruto really did steal all these presents, then he would have stolen mine, too," Kakashi said with a strange gleam in his eye. He leaned forward.

"Naruto? WHERE IS MY COPY OF ICHAICHA??"

Under the bed, Sasuke frantically felt himself and suddenly realized that the book was on the floor – by his foot. If they were to see it, they would find him. He had only one chance, now.

"A-ha!" Sasuke emerged from the bed, causing a gasp to arise from the onlookers. "Here he is!" He held up the copy of IchaIcha and threw it onto Naruto's stomach. "Caught you."

"NANI?"

"I found it lying open on my roof," Sasuke said carelessly, turning to his audience. "I followed the tracks of the person who left it and came here. I hid under the bed to see if it really was him stealing presents." He turned to Naruto. "You were on page 59."

"EEEEEK! How dare you read IchaIcha?!" Sakura cried. "PERVERT!" She banged Naruto on the head. Kakashi frowned.

"I was going to suggest you were sleep-stealing, Naruto, but I guess this proves you weren't. Good job, Sasuke."

"But…but…it's not fair!" Naruto whined. "Why does everyone believe the teme and no one believe me!"

"Because you're the only one stupid enough to dress up in a reindeer costume and attack Santa," Kiba retorted.

"Speaking of which, where is Santa?" Ino asked.

"I think he was scared away," Neji said. Sasuke smirked and turned to leave. Sakura frowned as she got a glimpse of his backside.

"Eh, Sasuke? You've got a bobtail."

So that was how Sasuke ruined Christmas and pinned it on Naruto, who was condemned to community service for 80 years. And for the rest of Christmas day Konoha was filled with the sounds of Gai and Lee hopping around the walls on their left buttocks.

Next Shot:

I'm sure you've all been wondering why certain signs have been appearing recently over public toilets.

How the heck, you ask, is Sasuke Uchiha involved?

The public deserves to know

Ninjas Hide in Toilets - a Sasuke Report Exclusive!