A/N Noa, back it again with that self-insert bullshit to start the New Year! And before anyone gets on my ass for it, I had this fic planned for THREE years, and only now, am I posting it because…well…
It's a birthday gift to my dear friend, ShadedCat! About a year ago, I brought this fic's concept up to them and like, there was a pairing they especially loved that came with it, so I decided if I was going to EVER sit down to write it, I'd dedicate it to them!
Happy Birthday, dude! Thanks for actually putting up with my bullshit this past year! Really am happy that we're friends, yeah?
Now let's get that disclaimer out of the way, because I'm hecking broke!
Disclaimer for whole story: I don't own Naruto or anything related to the Naruto franchise! I am in no ways Masashi Kishimoto, nor will I ever be!
AS ALWAYS, the same rules apply, being a Naruto SI/SIOC fic, in that world building and OCs carry over, except for the SI. So do keep that in mind and don't take it too personally when my OCs pop up, as someone had with Metamorphosis.
With that out of the way, READ ON!
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It all starts when you're born in the middle of a battlefield, and it's only downhill from there. And really, it doesn't get any better from here.
You're brought into the world under the worst of circumstances, with a mother that should be anywhere else but here. You barely even spend any time with her before you're shoved into the arms of a little boy with tan skin and black hair. The little boy does his best to keep you calm, his voice shushing you as you cry. He wraps you in his haori, not caring much about the blood that covers the fabric. So long as you're covered, then it's all right.
"It's okay, baby…it's okay…" It's somewhat of a shock that you can not only recognize what language the boy is speaking, but also understand it—not fully, but just enough to understand the context of his words. Before you have a chance to process this discovery, your mother slits someone's throat.
A spatter of blood comes your way, though it never touches you, thanks to the boy shielding your body. The shock tears a few earsplitting screams from your throat, which only adds more to the boy's distress as he tries his best to soothe you.
"Nii-san is here—you don't have to cry," he tells you, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Please? Stop crying?"
The desperation is evident in his voice. You can tell that he's seconds away from crying himself, but he keeps it all in for your sake. As your older brother, he has to. It's so fucked up, but there's nothing you can do.
This is it. This is your new life. This is what you were shoved into after the untimely ending of your first life. You don't remember much about it—it happened all too fast. You just know that you had a life worth living for.
At least…you hope you did.
…
It's hours before you finally return to the comforting embrace of your mother's arms. The stench of blood fills the air. It's nauseating, but you bear through it as you're finally fed for the first time in this life. You meet your father shortly after, who just glances at you before handing you back to your mother.
"Until she is old enough to choose for herself, she will be known as Tobirama." The only thing you can understand is the name that your father mentions. It catches you by surprise, since your thoughts immediately shift over to a fictional series that you were once obsessed with. You wonder if it's just a coincidence, or rather…you hope it's a coincidence.
Please, please, please, pleeeease.
It's not—that hope dies almost immediately when you hear the name that your father uses to refer to your older brother.
"Hashirama," he says, his hand reaching down to ruffle his hair. It's all he says, too exhausted to say any more. He collapses afterwards, running only on three hours of sleep after his clan's compound had been attacked (it's something you find out later, when your older brother tells you of what happened on the day you were born).
And just like that, you're crying again.
Your mother shoves you into your older brother's arms, too exhausted to deal with your distressed wails. You're left alone with your older brother, who acts far older than he actually is. He's no more than three years old, and he's already proving to be a better parent than your actual parents.
It really doesn't help that your parents are having children when they, themselves, are still children. Grant it, they are in their late teens, but the point still stands.
I'm older than them…
At least, you should be.
But I'm not.
Not anymore.
Because I'm no longer myself.
Some things are not as you remember them, though you suppose it doesn't make a difference. By the end of the day, you are still Senju Tobirama…
And she is you.
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…
She sleeps most of the days away, nestled comfortably in the sling that her brother has wrapped around him. She sees more of him instead of their mother when she is not being breastfed. She rarely ever sees her father…
She cries often, still unable to accept everything that's been thrown at her.
Warring States Period…
Senju…
Uchiha…
It's such a cruel joke to be reincarnated into such a violent world, during a time where very few children will ever make it to adulthood. She was barely an adult herself before she passed away so suddenly…
It's not fair…
Not fair, not fair, not fair!
She wants to scream, but it's hard when her older brother is doing such a good job at keeping her calm. He whispers soothing words to her, even though she can barely understand most of them. Two semesters of Japanese can only do so much, when her brother speaks in a dialect that's only appropriate for a child still learning how to properly talk. She can understand the gist of his words, though sometimes even he has issues finding the right words to say.
The two are alike in that sense, still learning the ropes of a language they'll be speaking for the rest of their lives…
…
At six months old, Tobirama finally says her first word.
"Ha-ha!" she calls out, catching her older brother by surprise.
Initially, Hashirama thinks that his little sister is calling out for their mother. It's understandable, though he then realizes that it's not their mother that she calls out for, but him. She repeats herself, her chubby hands reaching out for him.
"Ha-ha…" he echoes back, a wide smile soon spreading across his face. He feels so warm and fuzzy and maybe, even a bit lightheaded. He's just so happy to be his little sister's first word. He holds her closely to his chest, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. "Cuuute…"
For once, Hashirama is glad that he's been left behind, because it means he gets to spend more time with his little sister. Since she's said her first word, Hashirama decides to teach his little sister even more words to say.
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At seven months old, Tobirama spends more time with her mother. Through that association, so does Hashirama. For a third time, Hazuki is with child. For a second time, Hashirama is entrusted to protect his younger siblings. And for the first time, Tobirama finds herself in a position where she is no longer the youngest.
It's far different than becoming an aunt at five years old. It can't compare to the overwhelming wave of emotions that washes over her as she stares at her baby brother, Kawarama, and recalls his funeral. He died so young…but here he is, so small and tiny, with tan skin and light brown hair.
How can someone be so tiny?
Tobirama reaches out, a tiny hand latching onto her finger. Immediately, tears start sliding down her face. Her chest hurts from how much her heart aches over a life that she knows will be cut short.
I don't…want him to die…
Kawarama doesn't have a scar on his face…
How does he get that scar?!
Their mother, Hazuki, is the first to notice something is wrong, despite being far too exhausted to even care about anything else. She reaches out and ruffles her daughter's short, fluffy hair. "What's…wrong?"
"Iwanna keep 'im saaaaaafe…" Tobirama sniffs, wiping her eyes on the back of her yukata's sleeve. "Don't…wanna lose."
She wants to keep him safe—to keep him from having the life of a child soldier. To keep him from dying so young, because it's not fair.
It's not fair.
Not fair, not fair, not fair!
She cries after that, unable to keep it together for very long. Though her mind is that of an adult, her body is still that of a toddler. It will be years before her own body can handle the strain of her own emotions—years that she may not even have.
Notfairnotfairnotfairnotfair!
IT'S NOT FAIR!
As before, Hashirama is left to care for his younger siblings. He is four years old now, just days away from starting his training. He doesn't…want to leave them. He…can't.
But he has to, because they are too young. And he…he is old enough. He is old enough to hand his siblings over to his cousin, Touka, who is given enough free time to watch over two children. She is skilled and experience for someone who is only a few years older than he is.
Tobirama learns how to walk during this time, while her older brother trains with their father, Butsuma. Throughout his training, Hashirama can't stop thinking about the day his little brother was born. That day, his little sister cried because she didn't want to lose Kawarama.
"Lose him to what?" Hashirama almost wants to ask, but he knows better. He knows of the relatives that leave the compound and never return. He knows of the ever-growing field of newly planted saplings in the garden, each of them serving as a grave for those who have died. He remembers picking out a tree for his grandfather, Itsuki, after he was killed during a mission.
Hashirama was only two years old when he picked out his grandfather's tree, because he had been the last person to talk to him before his death… He planted the sapling with his own two hands, not wanting anyone else to help him because he wanted to do it himself.
Most of the work had been done anyways, before he carried the sapling over to the hole that had been dug out of the earth. Every few days or so, Hashirama would go out in the garden to check on his grandfather's tree. A few times, he would talk to it—as though his grandfather had never left.
He plans on showing his little sister the tree soon, so that she could at least know what he did of the man that was no longer around. In the meantime, he continues training diligently—if only to guarantee his survival.
"And our future," he mutters to himself before throwing a shuriken into a target with semi-precise aim.
…
Whenever he has free time, Hashirama spends it with Touka and his siblings. Kawarama learns how to crawl first before saying his first word. The amount of time he spends with Touka, Hashirama, and Tobirama exceeds the time he has ever spent with his parents. It bothers Hashirama, and it bothers Tobirama even more.
"Where Butsu?" Tobirama refuses to call that man her father until he starts acting like one.
"Away," Hashirama sighs. "And it's Otou-sama."
Tobirama makes an awfully cute face when she pouts, earning herself a soft pinch on the cheek from Touka. "Stooop!"
"You're just so cute!" Touka laughs. "It's a shame we're gonna have to cut your hair soon…"
Tobirama tilts her head to the side. "Cut?"
Hashirama frowns. "It's…nothing. Don't worry about it."
He's seen it happen to Touka and a few other of his female relatives. From what he knows, it's for their own protection. He doesn't ask why—he feels it's best to just leave it at that. He is already aware of just how horrible life can be to those who are taken alive as prisoners. He'd rather not worsen the nightmares that he'll have…
Some clans refuse to put their females on the front line, while others completely disregard them. Few let them do as they wish, like the fearful Aburame that had struck so much fear in those who encounter them. Then there's the Senju clan, who disguise their female clan members as male for the first ten years of their lives.
It's almost a rite of passage, Hashirama thinks, since Touka is still a few years away from being allowed to present as the gender she actually identifies as. Of course, not all of them choose to make the change back immediately, wanting some time to figure it out themselves. In some cases, there was never a change to begin with—much like the case of Touka's father.
The Senju clan adapts and embraces the changes that occur within each child. With life being so short, no one dares to deny them of their chance at happiness. Hashirama just wishes that their happiness could last forever…
…
Tobirama is two years old when her hair is cut for the first time. It's left in such a choppy, uneven mess. Touka apologizes to her throughout it all, as she's never been good with a pair of scissors.
"I probably should've let Hashirama do this…" Touka sighs, knowing fully well that it's too late for that.
"'s fine!" Tobirama reassures her, not caring about the silvery-white hair that falls on the tatami-covered floors. "Just hair, yeah?"
"Yeah…" Touka forces a smile. "Hey…do me a favor—when you're old enough, can you…can you grow out your hair for me?"
"Hmm?" Tobirama blinks.
"I just…think that it'd look really pretty long," Touka explains as works the scissors through her cousin's hair. "Like your mother."
"Like Zuzu…" Tobirama looks down at her lap. She thinks for a moment, not knowing what to make of Touka's suggestion.
"Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to!" Touka quickly informs her. "It's your hair, so it's ultimately your choice. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you, okay?"
"Okay…" From that day on, Tobirama starts to consider growing out her hair—when she can, that is. In the meantime, she starts to wear clothing that are more suitable for boys her age. There isn't much of a difference, except in design and coloration, but she never cared much for it.
Clothes were always just clothes for her. They didn't have a gender, much like the way she sometimes felt about herself. It's still such a muddy topic for her to consider, though at the end of the day, she knows that she is anything but a boy.
I guess it's not wrong to say that I'm a girl…
She politely corrects Hashirama when he tries to get used to calling her a boy. He blinks a few times and just ruffles her messy hair.
"I know you're not, but you have to pretend," he explains to her. He is five years old now and is often taken outside of the compound to accompany his father on missions. "At least, while we're outside of the compound, okay?"
Tobirama nods her head. "Okay…"
So long as it isn't permanent, then she's fine with it. Afterwards, she returns to Kawarama's side and helps him stand up. He's only one year old and he's already doing better than she was when she first started learning how to walk. She enjoys the little moments she shares with her younger brother, pushing away the negative thoughts that want to flood her head as she remembers his funeral for the umpteenth time.
For every dark thought that pops up in her head, she has a happy memory to counter it. Kawarama's first word…
"Aneja!"
Kawarama's first step…
"Aneja, look!"
His cheerful smile…
Tobirama holds these memories close to her heart. It motivates her to work for a future where she can effortlessly protect those who are dear to her. It's still too hard to deal with the life she left behind, so she doesn't think much about it.
It makes it easier to move on…
At least until I'm older.
Until then, it's nothing more of a massive headache that plagues her from time to time.
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Tobirama is three years old when her youngest brother, Itama, is born. She almost has a god damn meltdown when she sees his face. Because in that moment, all she can see is a crying child, so terrified of the Uchiha that surround him. She asks to hold her baby brother, wanting to protect the tiny infant with dual-colored hair.
"H-Hello…" she whispers to him, her eyes overflowing with tears. "I'm your Aneja…"
And she wants him to live. She wants everyone to live.
Please?
Later that evening, Hashirama finds Tobirama quietly singing a song to a sleeping Itama. He holds his hand out and quickly claps it over Kawarama's mouth when he suddenly pops up at his side, about ready to say something about their father looking for him.
"Marmalade and sugar song,
Peanuts and bitter step,
So sweet and then so acrid,
It makes my head spin…"
As soon as they are far away from the room, he releases Kawarama and asks where it is that he's needed. That's when his father approaches him anyhow, deciding that Kawarama had taken too long. Butsuma talks to Hashirama about his younger sister's training.
"Take her with you tomorrow," he tells his son, ignoring the look of shock that crosses his face. "I trust that you can teach her the basics that you have learned."
"Y-Yes…" Hashirama nods his head. He doesn't know why Butsuma is having Tobirama start her training so soon. Though, he supposes that it doesn't matter, because the next day, he wakes his sister up and takes her to their clan's training grounds. The first thing that he teaches her is chakra control and sticks a leaf to her forehead.
"I need you to focus, okay, Tobi-chan?" Hashirama smiles warmly at his sister, ignoring the fact that she'll be a lot younger than he was when he first killed a man. Had it not for him, then their father wouldn't be alive…
Sometimes, Hashirama finds himself wondering about what would happen, had he not saved his father… He wonders if he would have cared, since it's thanks to his father that his childhood ended so early. He decides to stop thinking about it and focuses on his little sister instead.
"We'll start building up your endurance after this, so I hope you're ready for some running." He laughs when he hears Tobirama groan.
He hopes these days last as long as they can, because knowing their luck, it won't last forever…
…
And it doesn't.
Tobirama is four years old when her mother dies a quick and bloody death, at the hands of an assassin that broke into the clan compound. A slit artery is what done it. It happened so quickly before anyone could do anything for her. She was only twenty-one—still younger than Tobirama had been when she, herself, had died in her past life.
She feels numb the entire time, unable to process what had just happened. She helps her brothers pick out a tree for their mother—an almond tree, because of its white flowers.
Just like her hair.
She just about breaks down when Itama starts calling out for their mother, knowing that they'll never see her again. It really only hits her then that this isn't a dream—it's real. It's all too real…
Butsuma doesn't say much for the next few weeks, though sometimes, when he thinks people aren't looking, Tobirama finds him standing in front of Hazuki's tree, just talking about how everyone else is doing. He talks about how sorry he is for not spending as much time as he could have with her, as he had when they were younger.
"I miss you, Hazuki…" He cries, despite being of the belief that shinobi should not show emotions.
In that moment, Tobirama can see Butsuma for the person he is—a man broken by the hellish lifestyle enforced on him as a child. This is it.
This is my life.
This is how it's going to be until something is done about it. And in that moment, Tobirama decides to take her first step into changing the future that's ahead of her, instead of waiting for her older brother to do it himself.
She approaches her father and tells him that everything is okay. "It's okay, Otou-sama. You're only human."
That's the first time she ever calls him father, and it's just enough to break down the dam of emotions that he's been holding back. And so he cries—he cries over the years that he let slip by before his very eyes, being so uninvolved in the lives of his own children. He cries over the loss of his companion—his best friend—to the harsh realities of their world.
And Tobirama?
She cries just as much, regretting that she never knew who her mother was as a person. And she never will, because she's dead.
She was only twenty-one…
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A/N So like, as I mentioned before in some of my other fics, do NOT ever assume any one in my fics are straight. Nor should you also assume that they are cisgendered, either, because hey—guess what? Your writer is hella pan/ace and nonbinary!
If you are uncomfortable with that, I suggest walking away and never reading any of my fics again. Because I'll only disappoint.
Anyways, I'mma make it clear, but there IS a definite pairing in this fic and while it won't exactly change, additions CAN be made to it, depending on how things go. Again, it all really depends. And in case anyone is confused about the whole "Ha-ha" nickname, haha is another way of saying mother in Japanese. Look it up, because that's all I can say.
So that's about it I have for now. I drew the cover art, hope you guys like it, cuz I do! So until next time, everyone! KD out! XD