For you
A/N: So the season finale sucked, I know. They completely butchered Jennys character before killing her (I refuse to be believe she actually died, she probably faked her own death LOL). And its Shenny, people so haters to the left. The song is 'Signs' by Bloc Party.
Disclaimer: Don't sue me please, although I could have done a better job. (: (Joke...kind of...not really.)
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When she returns home – to their home, she can't prevent all the images bombarded onto her. She remembers coming home with Carmen to find her and later, Max moved in. When she jumped into her arms, beautiful, fragile and as fucked up as ever, but concealing it beneath the bright eyes, the wide grin and sweet tone. Shane knew better though. Shane always knew better.
A matter of hours ago, she didn't want everything that was laid out in front of her, but then again did she ever accept the path before her without diverging to a different direction? She could have married a beautiful girl that she loved, but she didn't because her father (but he's not really) told her that "it's just who I am" but Shane's beginning to think that, maybe yes, she was that person, but one person made her think differently and want to be a different person, or at least try.
For Shane Mc Cutcheon, it was Jenny Schechter.
On the way home from the station, she laid her head on Alice's shoulder the way Alice used to when they first met and Alice would have been dumped by Gabby or some other meaningless girl. Shane would be there for her, because even though she was the one who did the heartbreaking during that time, she knew one day (she'd never admit it) that her heart would be broken and she'd need Alice to be there for her. And Shane would stay the whole night, because Alice was beautiful, with her spunky attitude, blond hair and gossip queen status and if no one else was there to tell her, Shane would.
Bette was a complete ball of nerves afterwards. She never really took to Jenny and Shane knew that. For someone even to remotely under stand the girl, they needed to be damaged in a big way. Bette wasn't hat damaged at all, Shane decides, she had it all. She had a gorgeous daughter, the career and the love of her life decided to forgive her when she strayed. So really, how could Bette understand? She had her drama (Shane knows this because, well Yoda knows everything) but not the kind of issues that Jenny or Shane had.
Tina, Shane thinks, is the one that understands the most, or tries to. She knows that love isn't something that can be commanded and that sometimes, you love someone beyond the reason why. She knows that she feels that way for Bette, because it doesn't matter what she did or what she'll do, she's the one and for Jenny and Shane, it's no different.
Kit doesn't say where she's going, but they all know it's probably to some hidden old jazz joint where she can drink to erase or numb the pain and shock. If this was a regular situation, Bette would have shouted her sisters head off but this time she doesn't, even though Kit will be alone. She thinks that for tonight though, its better to let her go and do what she has to. And if all the gin joints in the world help Kit Porter understand, well it's further than the point that most of them will reach.
Helena bids them goodbye before leaving to look after Kit, and its the rest of them that end up at Tina and Bettes home, where this train wreck began. Shane can't even face their front door, because this is where she saw her for the first time and she doesn't want to burden them with her tears and her feelings because their all probably feeling the same way.
Except they aren't, because none of them were ever in love with her. And they couldn't understand how Shane possibly could be.
Shane glances at Alices hand entwined in Tashas and thats when she leaves to her own home next door. They have a whole future ahead of them; as a couple. She hears Alice saying something about that she can't sleep there on her own tonight, but Shane doesn't hear.
And thats why she finds herself here, sobbing on the kitchen table. Because its finally dawned on her; the love of her life was gone. She had felt like this once before over Carmen, but not as badly as this. She wouldn't see her again, she wouldn't speak to her again and she wouldn't be able to tell her all the things she should have told her before. She's gone, she's not coming back to leap into Shanes arms once again and Jenny won't be kissed on her forehead or be held in only that way Shane had that made her feel enthrallingly alive and yet safe ever again.
She rips the letter Molly had written to her. When she found it, all those old feelings reawakened but it was nothing compared to this raw emotion that was crashing in a wave over Shane. She had this idea of what she and Molly where going to be but like all of the other attempted relationships, she let it fall because it was going to anyway. When she turns around to the open doorway, her friend is just standing there, paralyzed.
"Shane..." Alice trails off, she doesn't know what to say to make this any less painful. There was only one Jenny, a girl unlike any other and all she could do for her friend was be there, perhaps not saying anything at all.
So that's what she's doing. When her best friend, and quite possibly the love of her life died, there was nothing said that could have repaired Alice. She and Shane were now beyond repair. She could still be happy, she had been since with Tasha but there would never be another girl she'd just be as crazy about and utterly devoted to.
"I don't know what to do Al," she sobs into her friends shoulder, "what am I going to do? She's gone."
"She's dead, honey." Alice replies softly. "Jenny's dead, but she loved you. She always did."
Shane chokes, because 'Jenny' and 'dead' don't belong in the same sentence, do they?
Forgetting how to breathe, Alice holds her tighter, as if to keep the crumbling wreckage together. Her words are definite, final. She isn't sure that the girl in her arms will ever be the same again, but how could she be?
That's what she keeps repeating though, that Jenny's dead. Shane's grief flares into anger for a minute, remembering how Dana died, and now Jenny. It wasn't fair. Old people died, extremely ill people died, dogs like Sounder would die, but not talented people like Dana and Jenny, who were here for a reason and had gifts to share. Shane begins to think that this is what she gets for breaking hearts. Because her heart has broken.
"You've broken my heart."
Remembering how heartfelt her best friends words were, Shane gives in and lets the darkness take her.
--
Shane wakes up frantically, but soon realises that Alice probably carried her over here to Bette and Tina's home. It's Tina that's lying beside her on the bed, because Bette's tending to Angie. Tina isn't facing Shane and she's glad, because it's always easier to reminisce in silence. And that's the closest to what she wants to do. Because all she wants to do is hold Jenny and kiss her and tell her every thing is going to be okay, because they'll always love each other.
"Hey." Bette's holding her daughter and smiling at Shane. She puts Angie to bed, gives her friend a beer and lets Shane talk to her about whatever she needs to talk because whilst she didn't understand her love for Jenny, she understood what it was like to loose a friend.
"Will I ever get over her?" Shane almost pleads.
"No." Bette is frank, straight to the point as always. "Don't ask me if you'll ever get over her or ever forget or ever stop loving, because you won't. You're human; Shane and you're in repair."
Shane doesn't reply. She knows Bette is right, Bette is always right.
"I've sat in your house and told you that I was faithful to Molly, and ready to marry Carmen." She muses.
"Something tells me I'd better get another drink for this one." At this they both chuckle.
"I loved her...I am...was...in love with Jenny."
Bette smiles sadly, tears surfacing. She had always waited in hope for Shane finding someone like that, and it was a perfect shame that the girl for her was gone, and Shane probably would never open her heart like that again. She was going to say that the group were going to forgive Jenny tonight, but she doesn't because its just not the time to straddle a high horse or be bitter, she wanted to be strong for Shane.
So instead of remarking on how tragic it all is, Bette hugs her friend without saying a word.
--
Its dawn when she wakes up again, to find everyone, including Kit and Helena residing in their living room. There is no fully blown conversation, only Tasha and Alice are eating and the others are just sitting there occasionally letting a gentle babble of conversation flow before they remember that Jenny's gone.
Alice signals for Shane to sit in between her and Bette and Kit smiles at Shane.
"We're here for you. Through everything, as long as it takes." Alice says in that optimistic, hopeful tone that makes Shane think that she might be able to live again.
"Jenny would want you to fight." Kit reminds her from across the room. Shane's eyes widen a bit, and forces a half-smile in Kits direction.
"Whatever it takes. We love you." Bette murmurs into her friends ear. Everyone reinforces this with nodding and smiles and words of agreement, and eventually this evolves into a huge group hug.
"I love you all." Shane's voice cracks, but she won't let the tears fall this time.
--
That night, Alice stays over at Shanes because she knows that she's just not ready to be alone yet.
"It's okay Al, really. Go be with Tasha." Shane urges her, in case she bursts into tears again. Alice shouldn't have to deal with that all over again.
"Shut up." She replies in a soft, friendly tone that tells Shane that she's not going anywhere. "This is how we're going to start."
"Start what?" Shanes eyebrows knit together as Alice reveals the copy of Jennys novel. She never liked it, but that's not what mattered.
"First, you're going to put your head on my shoulder and cry for as long as you need to." She pulls Shane beside her and practically grabs her head. "Then...we're going to let go."
She flings the book into the open fire that's blazing. Shane is confused at first but eventually, gives in. One last time.
She thinks about all the girls she has been with, and how they never did or never will compare. Jennys chiselled face and her delicate features and big eyes; Bette was right, she'd never forget.
She contemplates a world without Jenny Schechter, and it terrifies her once more. When Alice puts her arm around her again though, the terror fades. Its still a scary prospect, but these people would get her through this.
Letting an image of Jenny play on her eyelids, Alice wipes away the river of tears. It was always better waking up Jenny's hand in hers, and she won't have that ever again she realises. She won't see that fragility, like when she walked in on her friend cutting herself. Thats all she wants to do, is save Jenny again.
But first she realises, she need to be saved. She needs to be able to breathe again without choking and live again. For her friends.
For Jenny.
I see signs now all the time
that you're not dead you're sleeping
I believe in anything
that brings you back home to me
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A/N: Now its the part where I shamelessly plug for a review. Thanks for reading! (: