House Of 1000 Shags
INT. Firefly Ranch
Otis's room. Otis is lying in bed, naked female carcasses on either side of him. He is stirred by a knock at the door.
OTIS
Shut the fuck up, I'm coming!
Otis gets out of bed and heads down the stairs. He answers the door to reveal GOLDMEMBER.
GOLDMEMBER
Helllllooooooooo.
OTIS
Who the fuck are you?
GOLDMEMBER
They call me Goldmember because I love gooooooooooooooollllld. In fact, my genitalia itself is made out of solid gooooooooooooolllllldddddddd.
OTIS
What the fuck is it you want from me, you fucking weird-ass freak?
GOLDMEMBER
A clown a few miles back told me there was gold buried beneath your house.
OTIS
Spaulding? That fucker doesn't know--- wait one goddamned minute, did you say under the house?
GOLDMEMBER
That is what the clown said.
OTIS
That brilliant motherfucker. Uh, yeah, just out back, open up the little box and go right down those stairs. Fucking mountains of gold.
INT. Tunnels
Dr. Satan is pulling teeth out a patient when Goldmember steps up. Dr. Satan leaps up and attacks him. Dr. Satan is about to tear off Goldmember's neck when…
GOLDMEMBER
Wait! Stop! I know where to find Dr. Evil.
INT. Firefly House- Later
Captain Spaulding walks in to see the rest of the Family gathered.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
What in the fuck are you fucking fuckers doing, a fucking coom-bye-ah drum circle?
BABY
We're having a family meeting, Daddy.
OTIS
Dr. Satan has just delivered some very distressing news.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
What is it?
BABY
Apparently someone called Dr. Evil is planning a worldwide mass killing.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
He gonna kill us?
BABY
No.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
So what the fuck do we care?
OTIS
Listen, Daisy! This fucker's name is Dr. Evil. We're the fucking Dr. Satan Cult! That's pretty fucking similar! We can't have this fucker infringing on our good name on a fucking global scale!
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
I see. Where is this fucker?
INT. Dr. Evil's Lair
The assassins are gathered.
DR. EVIL
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my solid marble lair. Our new plan to kill Austin Powers is-
Otis, Baby and Spaulding burst in.
OTIS
New plan, motherfucker!
He shoots Dr. Evil in the head.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Now, we're taking over this here operation!
INT. British Intelligence
Basil Exposition is briefing Austin Powers.
BASIL
So, these perverse hill folk have taken over Dr. Evil's operations.
AUSTIN POWERS
That is not shaggadlic.
BASIL
Indeed. I need you to stop them.
EXT. Mountains
The Rejects are standing, poking Number Two's body with a stick when Austin drives up.
AUSTIN POWERS
Alright, it's all over!
He pulls out his gun and is about to shoot when he sees baby.
AUSTIN POWERS
Hello, hello.
BABY
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
AUSTIN POWERS
Oh, behave.
OTIS
Hey, four-eyed motherfucker, trying to get a piece of my sister.
AUSTIN POWERS
I was hoping for some time with the whole thing. Grrr, baby!
OTIS
Nobody tries to fuck my sister and lives!
He shoots Austin Powers in the head.
OTIS
Annoying motherfucker just spitting out fucking catch phrases!
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Yeah. Wanna get some ice cream?
BABY
Yeah! Some tooty fucking fruity!
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Tooty fucking fruity!
THE END