TITLE: My Fault, My Blame
AUTHOR: RaeAnne
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Mea Culpa and everything previous
DSICLAIMER: I don't own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, (but I sure wouldn't mind negotiating the release of Gil Grissom and Horatio Caine to me… yum!) and am seeking no profit for this story (unless of course you count feedback as profit….hmm). No infringement on the owner(s) rights is intended. The song Don't! is by Shania Twain, again I do not own it and this story is for entertainment purposes only.

AUTHORS NOTE: Hi there, this is my first CSI fan fic, I have written a few for CSI: Miami but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to write a Grissom/Catherine story. This story may be a bit out of character (I hope not bad…) anyway I hope you enjoy it. Thanks! RaeAnne

CHAPTER ONE:

A Kind of Hush

He watched her leave Ecklie's office, face neutral; he knew though, that if he could just see her eyes they would betray her. But she was out of reach. She was so far away it seemed. The walls separating them were glass, he could see her, but not touch her, the walls were solid, never mind that before all of this the only distance between them was a breath…now it's immeasurable time.

He shook his head, smiling sadly as he dug his hands into his pockets turning to his office, gaze on the floor.

Her stomach turned, her head spun, did that just happen? She turned on her heel as she exited the office, there; in the corner of her eye, she caught his face. Could she face him now? She had to. She couldn't face herself if she couldn't face the person whose approval and respect she sought over anyone else's. She met his look boldly; thankful the distance effectively weakened his powerful blue gaze that did her in every time. She struggled to remain calm to show no signs of her inward struggle. He seemed to smile just now as he turned away. How could she ever talk to him about this?
Grissom sat alone in a small diner starring at a rapidly cooling cup of coffee, strong, black coffee. Three days, eight hours, and twenty two minutes she'd been gone. He hadn't even realized he had been counting. He had avoided her without much effort; they were after all on two different planets, or might as well be. He was walking a thin line, a line he never dreamed he would walk with her. He felt anger, and betrayal when he saw her now, and he hated the gnawing feeling of emptiness when he saw her face in his mind's eye. These feelings should have been directed at Ecklie he knew that…but it was Catherine's face, friendship, companionship, or lack of, which was haunting him.

He's punishing me… he thought begrudgingly remembering Nick and Warrick when the sat across from him at this very table when the phone rang, their 'boss' summoning them. Ecklie did this; all of this Grissom looked into the black liquid with disgust. You sure knew how to do it didn't you? Grissom fought back a rueful chuckled.

Grissom fished money from his pocket laying it on the table before heading out the door

Six days, one hour, fifty four minutes. Catherine sat at her still foreign desk looking around her sparse office. He can't face me either…I know the feeling she put her head into her hands exhausted, emotional drained.

She finally lifted her head turning to the closed door willing him to come through it, he didn't. She spun her chair to the window over looking the lab. She felt so detached an outsider to everything that she used to be the center of. She missed Warrick and Nick, the way they treated her now was that of a boss, not of a friend. She even missed Sara… at least to a point anyway. Now here she was on a plain above the rest, a position Grissom handled with seeming ease.

She thought back to the time she had been offered Nightshift, closing her eyes she saw herself treating her boss like she would have Lindsey. Talking down to him she told him she'd play politics, she'd scratch their backs…And now she was. I am everything I thought he should be! I am trying to be everything he isn't! I am trying to prove that I am better…but why? She cringed, realizing that while that was, in the beginning her goal, ten plus years with a man like Gil Grissom changed you, and thankfully for the better.

Politics now left a bad taste in her mouth; she realized that selling yourself out to appease the 'public' at the expense of the evidence, of justice, of the victims wasn't something she wanted to be part of. She thought that she had had it all figured out. She thought that with her way she could have it all…

His shift would start in twenty minutes; he slowly turned his chair in a continual circle as he stared at the ceiling, hands folded across his stomach.

"What are you doing Grissom?" Sophia appeared in the hallway.

Undeterred he kept his slow rotation "Trying to gain perspective."

"From a popcorn spackled ceiling? I think there are better places for that, ever try a mountain top?" she asked drying.

He stopped abruptly and faced her, letting the silence draw out.

"Ever try a ceiling?" he asked in sincere question.

She balked shaking her head, upon seeing she would gain no more she continued passed his open door.

Catherine would understand perspective gained from a ceiling… he thought with a smile then paused No, she wouldn't actually. Sara would or at least she would come in pull up a chair and join me, thinking she was partaking in a grand wealth of instantaneous wisdom and knowledge…but not Cath. She would come in, not say a thing just let me be, and then when I'd finish she smile and ask 'learn anything?'…she knows me he chuckled softly then turned sad as he saw the phone book open on his desk, open to the florists.

He tried a million times to call and send her flowers to 'wish her well in all her supervision endeavors' …(which happens to be just one of the rejected card sentiments tossed in the wastebasket…the reason he gave up on the flower idea). Man, he missed her.

Nine days, nineteen hours three minutes.

It's time, if he isn't coming to me then I'll go to him Catherine thought. Her shift had ended early, not extremely early but enough that she could talk to him a little bit before his started.

"Hey Catherine, Warrick and I are gonna grab a bite, wanna come with us?" Nick asked thumbing towards the hall.

Catherine stopped her purposeful walk to politely decline "Sorry guys got to spend time with my kid. Maybe next time, I'll treat."

They nodded and disappeared. The walk to Grissom's office seemed to go by in an instant.

"Knock, knock," she controlled her breathing.

Grissom heard the voice and he caught his breath "Hey there, come on in," he forced a smile.

She stepped in; hesitating for a second then closed the door behind her.

"I've been meaning to come over and congratulate you, but crime just seems to keep getting in my way," his words were cool and professional but he tried to add jest as he smiled. His body language tense.

"I know the feeling, chaos on my shift too…" Catherine shrugged sitting in the chair she had sat in so comfortably in for years…now it seemed hard and uninviting.

They sat in silence, but unlike before, this silence was strained and awkward.

"How are…is everything?" she changed her phrasing quickly eyes seeking his.

He fought her, as best he could, but her pull was stronger then his will.

"It's okay," he met her eyes, blue burning into blue.

She nodded sharply, the only thing she didn't want him say…the only thing she didn't want to hear was 'okay'.

"Please don't tell me its okay!" she nearly whispered, but even her whisper was demanding.

He looked baffled, "What would you like me to tell you?"

She shook her head "I don't know, tell me our friendship, or work history warrants more then an 'okay' when it's nearly destroyed! Tell me you're angry, tell me you're glad…that you hate me and you…I don't know! Anything but just okay!" her words tumbled rapidly bitterly.

He blinked not used to trying to respond to this level of emotion from her, or anyone.

"Please Gil, just tell me something! Your team was tore apart; I have your two best CSI's…please talk to me. We've always been able to talk," she calmed.

His heart was beating fast, he looked sadly at her. Fulfilling her plea would only cause hurt for both of them.

"What happened wasn't anybody's fault. There is no reason to try and analyze it further," his tone was bit harsh.

She stiffened, rubbing her damp palms on her pants. She would not walk.

"Were we partners, were we friends…ever?" she questioned.

"Of course Catherine! How can you even question that?" he finally showed signs of life.

"Then share with me! That is what friends do!" she folded her arms.

He was silent, and she starred him down.

Grissom swallowed hard, his mouth dry, "Why did you say yes?" his words were quiet but at the same time loud enough to resonate through the whole office.

It stung like salt in an open wound, she blinked back sudden tears. Gripping the arms of the chair, she licked paper dry lips.

"He didn't exactly give me a choice. He pretty much said how it was…and it was…"

He nodded, "We could have fought it, we could have tried to change…" he clamped his mouth shut before he went too far.

verse one

I never intended it to happen like this, I never meant for it to hurt anyone," she glared at him trying to get him to understand.

"I know," he paused.

"But I did, I know. Truth is I don't think I'm done learning yet. It seems every time I turn around I make another mistake. Worst of all is I know I was a tool Ecklie used to hurt you…"

"Catherine, if you came here looking for forgiveness for something you have no control over you are wasting you time," he was curt to save himself from breaking in front of her.

"I didn't come here but to see you…" I miss you she started piqued.

two

"…but if you want to be stubborn that's fine. If you want to leave this like it is, fine. If you want me to go I will…" she was hurt, and he wasn't responding.

Go ahead, leave, you left me once already… he remained silent another moment. "What I want is to move on, put this behind us, can I have that?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I'm tired of fighting!"

"We're not fighting!" he interjected.

"Don't interrupt, I didn't say we were fighting I said I was tired of fighting! Tired of fighting myself, convincing myself that I can do this on my own because as it stands I can't. I'm tired of fighting the nagging in my heart that can't put you, what I learned from you aside and lead my team the way I think I should…I hate that I feel I am dependant on you…that I can't go on without you!"

He was stunned, "Then don't.'

She lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

"Don't fight anymore just choose…" choose me.

"You are in my head, in every move I make, every case I lead I ask myself what would you do? You are a part of me…embedded in me because you taught me to see beyond the obvious and I can't get away from you," she was a mix of anger, sadness and desperation that left Grissom yearning to somehow heal her.

"I am sorry for that, that you can't escape me…Go now, choose escape once and for all, put me behind you and I know that you will be just fine, great in fact," he forced a smile.

three

"I can't, I won't. Because as much as I've fought you, I know now that I fight because I need you, and I hate needing anybody. These past few days have been hard because I feel like I've lost all connection to you that there isn't even friendship to fall back on. I know that you are upset with me because I said yes, understandably so! I'm upset because I said yes! I said yes! I was so eager to prove that I was as good as you or better just so I could escape the feeling of need I felt towards you! I was so sure I could be the supervisor you weren't…that I could walk away from you…." She was ashamed of the words she heard coming from her own mouth, but they were truth, and truth most times hurt.

Grissom looked at her, trying to asses what was underlying her words, if there was something else hidden there, there wasn't. He wanted to tell her that he needed her just as much as she said she needed him…but to open himself up like that?

"I was hurt that because you didn't even discuss it with me, didn't say a thing to me about what happened…not that you said yes or wanted to be a supervisor. I know you don't have an obligation to talk with me…to discuss your work choices with me…but I thought you would have," he wouldn't meet her eyes; he let her in, just a little bit though.

"I should have…but I didn't and I'm not entirely sure why I didn't. I never meant to hurt you like I did. I honestly didn't, I just didn't know how to tell you all this…but Gil, I don't want it anymore. I want to be back here," she let the words come slowly.

Gil shook his head sadly and smiled tenderly "No Catherine, you don't. You just are hitting a rough patch. It's just a moment…it'll pass I promise," he didn't dare let himself believe there was an ounce of truth in her desperation.

"I don't want the promotion like this; no more then I did when I was offered nightshift before! I don't want it like this! I don't…I would rather spend the rest of my life working under you and be able to look myself in the mirror in the morning with respect then this!" she laid her palms open on the desk showing him she was offering everything back to him, if he would only take it.

"You are gone Cath, no longer mine. You are no longer one of my team, no matter how much either one of us might want it. You are a bright, amazing CSI, it's time for you to be all that your talent and experience warrants. What's done is done, lets make the best of it," he spoke with usual Grissom wisdom and she was silent.

Like being punched in the stomach, she blinked feeling sick the words sinking in, sitting like rocks in the pit of her stomach.

four

"Tell me we are still friends?" she breathed almost scared as she stood eyes searching his.

He rose coming around to the front of his desk, leaning against the front of it.

"We're still friends," he smiled and she nodded stepping closer, he embraced her.

five

"Shh, now, go home, get some sleep and everything will be okay tomorrow," he smiled pulling away after a long moment.

She opened her mouth the say, "It'll never be okay, it'll never be alright…never the same!" but he shook his head, and the words died on her tongue.

He pointed to the door and she started out.

six

She looked back and he nodded knowingly.