-A different Ending: Lost Years-

Author's note: Hello readers. This is going to be my first story, well, not even that. I was reading another fanfiction, and at the very end, well, I cannot tell you about it. But I wondered how things would have been if. And as I did, the whole thing took form and materialized in my mind. And I just had to write it.

For the following to make sense, you need to read the original story. "Lost Years" an angst filled Shenko. Or, as the summary says "What if Commander Shepard and Kaidan had more time to talk and meet privately on Horizon and through the rest of ME2? Can anything make up for those two lost years between them? Starts out reworking the Horizon cut scene, then continues throughout the ME2 storyline. Shepard(F)/Kaidan".

You can find it at – " : / / w w w . s / / 1 / – s". Kodiak Sage wrote it, and here I would like to express my thanks towards her for letting me re-write the ending. This begins when the very last section does, the epilogue, so here ya' go.

Blowing up that Batarian system brought a lot more political ramifications than I knew how to deal with. Here I was, grounded, shipless, looking at the ceiling because there was nothing better to do, were I anyone else, specifically anyone more selfish, I would look at this as a nice vacation from shooting people or blowing stuff up, but I couldn't. I knew the reapers would show up any moment now, and no one out there even believed they were real, except Cerberus, who as powerful as they were, they couldn't do everything alone, and no one would help them because of who they are (not that I would want the universe on TIM's hands, mind you), and my Normandy crews. How were they supposed to solve this? As capable as they were, alone they could accomplish only so much, and being as diverse as they are, they would never work together without me. Somehow a mass massacre between them seemed more likely, and that was, in fact, going to extremes. They couldn't even contact each other, for each hid their footsteps too well.

Maybe I should escape this, which wouldn't be that hard, but then again, I need allies. If humans and batarians begin a war right before the reapers arrive… I sighed. No, I had to just hope the reapers took two years coming over, and that my trials took one.

My door whooshed open, and I sat up slowly. I was in no hurry to be escorted towards my court-martial, my bed had been rather comfortable so far, and if it was James just coming over for a joke, or flirt, or however he called it, then I really had no reason to hurry. I nearly fell right back when I saw Kaidan.

He looked the same as before, but different. It could not be simplified; I couldn't put my finger on it. And I looked into his eyes, but I had no idea what he was thinking. I smiled a bit, figured it'd put him at ease. He spoke,"Commander Shepard, may I come in?" And just like that I wasn't smiling anymore. So far, he hadn't addressed me so formally since my resurrection. And now, frankly…

"You know I have no rank anymore, right? You probably shouldn't call me that." A bit too late I realized what I had said. And from the way he swallowed, he obviously remembered well when I had last told him something of the sorts.

"Ye- yeah, well, force of custom." He murmured, and shifted a little. I realized then that I hadn't answered him yet, too preoccupied with his mood. I gestured towards the only empty chair on the room. He sat stiffly, and I saw there was no way he would feel comfortable inside here, with me. But he knew why he had come here. I waited.

When he recognized it was his turn to speak, he said "I ah- I haven't been able to get in here any sooner, and I'm sorry. How… how are you?" It was obvious where this was going, he still cared. If the truth could be postponed a bit longer…I had to try."I've been great, really. I mean, as good as I can be in here." He opened his mouth to say something. "No, Kaidan, it's ok. I don't have much to say, besides, a lot has been going on with you, hasn't it? Major Alenko." I cut him off.

From a moment he went to preoccupied to stifling a chuckle. He smiled and looked outside, towards the window. He took on a pensive look; slowly he became more and more serious. I sat there patiently, and then he turned and stared at me right in the eyes. "I owe that to you, Shepard. You made me much of what I am." I knew Kaidan, I knew what that meant. I couldn't look at him anymore, so I glanced outside. On the closest roof to us there was a child, going 'round, and around with a toy ship. It was calming, that kid always went out this time of the day and played with the same darned ship.

I knew then what I had to do.

"Kaidan, you are who you are because of yourself and life, you don't owe me anything." I stood up and leaned against the glass, watching that kid intently. I didn't want to be crude. "I long since let go of any chance of us being together. I long since stopped yearning for that chance." But I had to. Shocked silence was his answer.

"Shepard…" The hurt in his voice was like a punch to the gut. He was at a loss of words. I knew him. I wasn't looking at him, but I could see his expression clearly in my mind. The more time that passed the more lead I felt in my stomach, I had to do- say something. I had to explain things. I had to explain things I didn't understand. "Look, Kaidan, I… I don't know what happened. I just woke up one morning and realized I had slept well. And I wasn't angry, or sad or- or longing. Later, when I saw your picture, I… I didn't feel any different." Kaidan murmured something. "I was so relaxed, it- it was- weird. I thought for a moment that Cerberus had injected me with something, but when I went to Chakwas, there was nothing. I was so confused, and I remembered that the day before, well, I was hating- no, I was despising you. It was one of those bad days. And then I thought, "Yes, he acted like an arse, but he is hardly a monster." And then I was thinking of all the reasons I loved you, your- your- I don't even know anymore, I thought of so much things. And then part of me was like "he isn't perfect either, c'mon, he's human." And, and then, for the rest of the day my head was gone. I barely recall anything after that. And the next day sitting next to Chakwas, I just looked back. At Horizon, at C-sec, at Alchaera… and it all made so much sense…

The rest of the time, I was lighter, happier, yes, I was looking over my shoulders at all times and part of me hated everything, but it just seemed part of freaking life. I wasn't so stressed over it anymore, now I was a better version of myself. I could stop and think. Everything just… made sense. I kept thinking of you, of course but now-" I felt a hand on my shoulder. It turned me around.

"And I thought I was the one who spoke too much." He whispered, and I had to smile at that. Kaidan was looking into my eyes again, and I looked right back this time. Those eyes were sad, resigned, and a thousandth more feelings were fighting for power. Those eyes I had loved so much. I had tried but failed to describe them, hazel, caramel, whiskey, and honey colored, beautiful, warm eyes. None seemed to fit. And now, the answer was so simple, so obvious. They were a light brown, nothing more, nothing less. Not for the first time after waking up that morning, I stood in awe at how love could enhance things. And looking into those eyes, I saw reflected what I really wanted to express. "I'm sorry, Kaidan." He blinked once, twice, and then shut them tight. He pressed his forehead to mine, and shook his head.

"No Shepard," He said "I'm the one that's sorry." He squeezed my shoulder one last time, turned, and left. The only thing I wished was for him to understand, and now that I was at least alive, move on and be happy.

Author's final note: Well, that was… how was it?

When I read the first story, it seemed pretty obvious to me Shepard hadn't moved on. She was angry, and sad, and… it just didn't convince me. Here I try to portray a Shepard that feels sorry for Kaidan. She now understands why he reacted the way he did, but she simply has realized what a… well, she realized how things were, and love just went away. (Which wouldn't happen with my Shepard, but following the line of the original story...) Now, she respects and admires love more than ever, which is why explaining she doesn't reciprocate anymore was so hard. This is how I visualize my Shepard would move on from Kaidan if she had to.

Comments and critics are highly appreciated. Again thanks to Kodiak Sage, I want to hear your thoughts.