-Those Three Words-
—
It's hard to say those three words. It's harder to express them through actions. But Felix thinks he's ready to say them, to show them, to mean them. It's late one night, when Colin and him lay in his bed, the covers thrown to the floor, a pillow missing completely, and the sheets clawed into a heap from their passion, that Felix knows now is the right time to say those three words.
Felix's arm is thrown over Colin's bare chest, resting lightly over rising and falling ribs. Colin, in return, has his arm wrapped around Felix's shoulders, holding him close to his chest, holding him securely. They've been here before, laying amongst the creased sheets, entwined in one another's arms and breathing shallowly as they bask in the afterglow of their passionate tryst. They've been resting on Felix's bed before, after a bout of energetic sex, but those three words hadn't been clawing their way up Felix's throat, digging their nails in to the tender flesh and making him want to spit them out, to speak them so they would stop clawing.
Colin sighs, a soft breath of air, and shifts under Felix's weight. Felix nuzzles his cheek against the chest under him and peeks up through his mussed fringe. Colin is watching him, his bright eyes alive with the smoldering remains of lust, of something else that Felix can't quite pinpoint. It's heady and strong though, and Felix desperately wants to know what it is. He's in half a mind to ask, but he knows if he opens his lips those three words will spill out like word-vomit.
Colin is the first to break the silence. His fingertips drum on Felix's shoulder, tapping out a tune only he knows. "Tonight was amazing." He says, quietly.
Felix hums, agreeing with only sound and no words, because he's afraid to open his mouth. Just in case his words come out wrong, just in case those three words make a break for it and clamber to the surface. How would Colin react? Would he be surprised? Disgusted? Shocked? Would he feel the same? Different? Uncaring? Felix feels his eyebrows knit together as he thinks and Colin obviously sees it for he reaches up with his hand not around Felix's shoulders and presses the pad of his thumb against the little worry line that has appeared between Felix's eyebrows.
"You'll get wrinkles if you frown so much." He says with a rakish tone.
Felix tries for a smile, it dies on the way up, and Colin, ever the observant one, catches it. When he opens his lips to speak, clearly ready to ask Felix about his sullen demeanour, Felix shifts until he's resting on his elbow and hovering his lips over Colin's. The kiss to come is soft, gentle, hesitant and slow. It's full of sliding tongues and clinking teeth. Colin smiles into the kiss and Felix can't help but smile also. It has been almost nine months that they had been doing this; the trysts, the friendship they had made, the sleepless nights spent talking about random, pointless, unimportant things. Nine months of…a relationship of sorts. Felix felt like he'd never been happier.
And those three words now choked him, lodged in his throat and seared on his tongue, ready, oh so ready, to come out.
The kiss ends with Colin nipping gently at Felix's plump bottom lip. Felix grins when they break apart, showing off his teeth and Colin returns the grin with one of his own. "Tell me what's bothering you?" he says finally, when Felix has rested his head back against his chest and is drawing patterns on the smooth skin with his fingertip.
"Nothings bothering me as such," Felix says in reply. He's glad the three words didn't make an attempt to break free from his throat. But also disappointed, because he doesn't think he can say them if they don't force their way out. Colin stares down at him, his eyes bright still with that nameless emotion that Felix can't pinpoint. Colin nudges Felix's bare leg with his own before placing a quick, chaste kiss to his messy hair. It just about breaks Felix, the tenderness. He bites his bottom lip, clamps it between his teeth and stares hard at Colin.
He was once just a handsome morgue attendant. Just some pretty stranger that Felix had felt attracted to. Now he was much more than that. He was a friend. A lover. A partner. He was Felix's world.
Colin pulls away from kissing Felix's hair and smiles softly down at him. "I can tell you're lying, Felix." He tells. Felix rolls his eyes, Colin was damn observant. Always had been.
Felix tries to force the words out, tries to speak them quietly to test them out. But all that comes out is a strangled sound that sounds a little like a swear word and a lot like hesitation. Colin tightens his arm around Felix and cuddles him into his warmth.
"Say it." He says, softly. But Felix can hear the desperation staining his tone. "Say what you want to say."
Felix, his words stuck somewhere between coming out and disappearing, opens his lips, chokes, closes them, and looks pleadingly at Colin. Colin lets tender fingertips tickle Felix's shoulder; a gentle coax. A soft cajole. Felix stops drawing invisible patterns on Colin's chest and places his palm flat against his skin, right over his beating heart which races so fast, Felix can feel each thumping beat.
"I — I…"
"You what?" Colin prompts.
Felix can't say the words he wants to say. They claw at his throat yet won't budge. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and lets it out his mouth. A whisper of air that lets loose three difficult words to say. But Colin catches each words, each softly spoken syllable.
"I love you."
Felix hadn't meant for the breath to release the words from his throat; he felt like he'd said them too soon, too quick, too hastily. But Colin's eyes brighten with that nameless emotion, his arm tightens around Felix's shoulders and his lips stretch into a wide, large smile.
"You want to know something?" Colin says. Felix looks up at him through his messy fringe. "I love you too." Colin breathes. It's only when Colin leans in for a kiss that Felix can name the bright emotion in Colin's eyes.
It's love.
Not lust, not friendship, not surprise, not disgust, not shock, not uncaring, it's love.