A series of Poems that take a funny look on normal everyday things in life.
OLD AGE
My hair is getting thinner, it's a lighter shade of grey.
The memories I used to have, get cloudier each day.
My legs don't work so good no more, my arms are so much thinner.
Instead of walking on my own, now I use a zimmer.
The nurses tell me my families here, to see if i'm still around.
They don't come because of love, it's to put me in the ground.
I'm not that very angry and i'm sure as hell not bitter.
I just need a little lactulose to help me to the shitter.
My teeth they just sit there, steridents my friend.
They'll carry on making my sparkly smile right to the very end.
All of the other oldies just sit around, the smell getting riper and riper.
I remember the good old days in the army as a sniper.
Now it's time for me to wrap this up, it's almost lights out now.
Sometimes the nurse is nice to me, but she can also be a cow.
You might think you'll get away from this, but i'll tell you as a sage.
Now listen close to this my friend, your gonna suffer from old age.
RICH AND POOR.
Money makes the world go round, or so the saying goes.
It allows for expensive cars, or seeing fancy shows.
You can buy a mansion, a jet, a club, anything you desire.
But hey theres one thing you haven't got, it's a poor mans belly fire.
Being rich doesn't mean everything, yeah it'll make you loads of friends.
But when your poor with nothing, you can set a lot more trends.
If your feeling kind of low because you see some filthy loaded bitch.
Just shout over to her, hey im glad im not that rich.
RELIGION
Sitting in a church, listening to a preach.
I remember im not even religious, and head out to the beach.
The waves are my jesus, the saltwater my god.
Yeah i know what your thinking, this guy is really odd.
I don't go every sunday, yeah i might just end up in hell
But then again im a good guy, even though i don't hear the ringing of the church bell.
I'd rather go to Trafalgar square and feed a bloody pigeon, then sit inside a church and hear about religion.
THE BIG ISSUE
Town centre on a busy day, on my way to do some hard earned shopping.
I see a guy, you know who i mean, in his hand his mag and he's hopping.
You try to avoid with a sideways swipe, and end up with a bloody tissue.
Because this hopping crazy guy has hit you with the big issue.
CRACKED STREETS
Your happy, your smiling, you show off your brand new shoes.
You've just come to the Arndale, to clear the morning blues.
Your skipping about so merrily, having yourself a ball
Then out of nowhere you trip and have a fall.
Looking all around you, your friends cry out with laughter
Inside your thinking what the hell, this fall could earn me a bafta.
So you make it look like it didn't phase and casually get to your feet.
It's just one of those annoying things, the many of our cracked streets.
T.V ADS
Your watching telly, your feeling good
You go into the kitchen scratching your arse and fetch yourself a bud.
When you come back, the programs gone, now your feeling bad.
Hey don't worry fella, it's just a t.v ad.
Limescale on the toilet, cillit bang will clear it all.
If your short on money, give loans4u a call
When your washing is so dirty, lenor will save the day
Were injury lawyers just for you, claim and a %100 we will pay
This isn't what you wanted, but you'll have to deal.
Hey there's an advert for something called Sheila's wheels.
Home insurance, cleaning stuff, shaving products for dads.
These are just a few of annoying t.v ads
WHEN HAIR DYE GOES WRONG
You come out of the supermarket, with the hair dye in your hand
Blonde and purple highlights, your here to make a stand.
Quickly through the front door, rushing up the stair
Your taking your life in your hand when your dying your hair.
Shake the contents in the bottle, and apply to hair thats wet.
Do it over the sink now, this you must not forget.
Dance and jig and jump about and sing a merry song
then look in utter shock, when the hair dye goes wrong.
DATING
Lynx under the armpits, splash of aftershave on the face.
Your heading on a night out, just go at your own pace
The suit is nicely ironed, the shoes are nicely shined
Hey mr Casanova now your ready and your primed.
She's sitting in a restaurant, napkin in her lap.
Twirling her hair with her finger, breaking crumbs off a crusty bap.
Waiters taking orders, patiently she's waiting.
It's her time to finally meet, the man she will be dating.
LIFE
Your born into a world, that's full of things that's new.
Lightbulbs, t'v radio, these are just a few
Emotions, feelings, ups, downs, partner or wife
A rocky, happy, sad frustrating, rewarding thing called life.
Grandkids, first step, making your own path
sometimes filled with sadness, other days a laugh
crimes get committed, use of a gun or a knife
This isn't what you want to see in your one and only life
They say it's what you make of it, so live it to the full
Don't take a mundane job for one, put a full stop to the lull
Do things that are crazy, hell cause your parents strife
Just make sure you do these things, on this rollercoaster we call life
You'll know you've had a good one, on your gravestone it'll tell
Eulogies will read, he lived his life so well
Memories will always stay no matter if you were rife
At least you can say with honesty, ive had a bloody good life
RELATIVES STINK
Xmas parties, birthdays, any shindig what does it matter
They'll always be a relative, who wants to have a natter
Uncle John or aunty joan, in the corner with a whisky
while little cousin tommy, with jenny he's getting frisky
Grandad sits in his armchair, war stories he will tel
mum has an argument with dad, to which she shouts go to hell
you sit there in frustration, your face going redder and redder
Your little nephew reece, he's put your passport in the shredder
You really love these relatives, there just that kind of bunch
There the only ones you have, cos the Cosbys were out having lunch
They say you sure can't pick em, there with you till the end
Oh great here comes Uncle Ian, with another fashion trend.
I know im being selfish, but hey i've got to moan
Oh no that didn't happen, Uncle John just tongued Aunty Joan
The karaoke has started, it's time for me to drink
Everyone knows where im coming from when i say relatives stink
Hope you enjoy reading these as much as i enjoyed writing them.